Had enough of making all the effort and am going to become a hermit

[stayanotherday]

Hi

I'm a single woman (47) with no family.

I've been in the same job for 17 years, soon to be made redundant. Worked on a very friendly team for years. Worked hard but we all got on and had a laugh. Have also built up what I thought was a circle of good friends over the last 2 - 10 years by joining groups and doing voluntary work because it's wrong to feel lonely and not make efforts. No issues with neighbours but they keep to themselves.

Since lockdown we've been wfh. The office is closing anyway. I've messaged everybody about every 10 - 14 days just to say Hi and check in. I've asked now and then if they'd like to meet up for a (socially distanced!) coffee and if they were free for a chat on the phone which was declined.

I get people have their own lives and I've tried to balance caring enough without constantly demanding or bothering them. I also get it's a hard situation for all of us and everybody's struggling. There's been no arguments or unkindness but they just haven't bothered in return. Thought we were close but am shocked to realise that's not true and the friendship ends at the door.

I left it to see if anybody would get in touch since about a fortnight ago. They haven't. I've decided not to get in touch again. I don't want to be a needy nuisance and can't do anymore. It's not as if I've got nothing else to do as I've been applying for jobs, working, studying, shopping and doing housework.

I'm in a lockdown area so am limited for now but to be honest I've had enough of trying to make friends, ending up making all the effort and can't do it anymore. I hate being completely isolated and that it's come to this but I've been let down too many times in the past and I'm not being a mug anymore. It's knocked the sauce out of me.

The next few months will be interesting. I can work anywhere in the UK and might have to move to follow the work. If that happens I won't look back or bother with people anymore. It will be so hard but at least I'll know where I stand. Society didn't want me and now I don't want its pain anymore. No wonder we're such a lonely society. I don't know why I posted really, just wanted to put it somewhere.

Sorry for the essay and thanks for reading.

itsallpointless ah, I see.

Sometimes I think we should consider everything transient.

Yes, this is me completely. I am friendly with people but never seem to fit in anywhere. I am always described as 'lovely', 'kind', 'caring', 'funny', etc. but I just cannot maintain friendships.

I suspect I am a bit aspie because I cannot work out what I am doing wrong. I work with a woman who is quite nice but talks about herself incessantly. Every day I work I hear the same monologue repeated over and over. On the odd occasion she asks me a question she always manages to turn the conversation back to herself. Despite this, she has a lot of friends!

I have two to three friends I really consider to be true friends. They are the only people (other than DH) I can really open up to. The main reason being that their values and approach is almost identical to mine.

I think that's probably the key. Find people with the same values and outlook to you.

Another introvert here. I have one really good friend who I made through work. I thought I had another good friend until I realised that as soon as any of her other friends are around I am ignored and blanked. Working from home also makes making friends difficult and without Dh I would certainly qualify for hermit status. I also tried voluntary work but although I met people to chat to, I never really ‘found my tribe.’

I'm a bit odd, as I feel one minute I want this big group of friends around me, the next minute I want to be alone.

I like to feel comfortable around people, I get that with my family, and a few real friends, it's easy, no pretence. I find I have to click very early on or the connection soon fades.

I don't think we do anything wrong, it's about the click. I go to Meetup groups, all very pleasant. My latest group, there's a woman there who I just don't take to, she drains me because she's so dominant, talks too much. However, she's not unpleasant and I don't dislike her, I just wouldn't choose to spend time in her company. She's done nothing 'wrong' though.

Acorn - You're not an idiot, it's easy to get sucked into sob stories and it's very upsetting when later on you see people for who they really are. Yes, you'll see in time it's done you a favour but not east at the moment.

It'sall - Acorn makes a good point. Shame though and if there's only been one text early in the year when it's now nearly November it doesn't sound like a close friendship. It's not that some of us expect people to message every day or even every week but that's not a lot.

Doora - thanks and same here. Agree with quality over quantity. A small circle is easier to manage too. With your colleague, sometimes people aren't true friends. It just seems like they have a lot when really they just know lots of people. You're right, will look at doing different things when restrictions ease.

Elizabeth - it's so hard isn't it? The second friend isn't a friend but glad you have two others. Good on you for trying voluntary work. If you don't try you'll never know and when thigs change hopefully you can find other groups with people who are. It's trial and error, you have to try lots of things before finding what works.

Its all - agree. There has to be something there for it to be authentic. It's because the lady's extroverted and you're introverted so you're not on the same page. Hope there's others you can relate to.

I must admit, I've actually got to the point now where I don't make much of an effort. I used to try quite hard to make friends, suggesting going out for a coffee or lunch but it rarely went beyond one meet up as no one ever reciprocated. I often felt confused and upset by it all.

I have a wonderful DH and lovely sister and three decent friends (even though I don't see them that often). I am pretty happy with life and very good at keeping myself entertained so I just focus on that. It is far less stressful than trying to navigate the rules of friendship which I always seem to get wrong.

I think when you live with husband, kids etc the impetus to socialise or make friends can be much less. In theory I love the idea of having a real friendship group or socialising a bit, but it just doesn't happen.

I guess it's partly because I never meet people with whom I have enough of a connection or things in common to be motivated to build an actual friendship with them, and partly because dh and I have so much in common and are comfortable mostly just spending time with each other. Tbh I don't feel the need to be regularly contacting or seeing people I know who are just acquaintances and will never be close friends. I have never 'found my tribe' since university really.

Doora - sorry you're in almost the same boat, could have written that myself. You wonder what you've done wrong but I think it's just that people don't bother nowadays and live in their own bubble. So glad you have a few good people at least. Yes it is, it's upsetting but you get used to your own company and it's not worth the hassle when you get nothing back. It's like there's a game that not all of us know the rules.

Lazylinguist - completely understandable that people with partners and families have busy lives. You have a ready support system and company. Shame you didn't but nothing wrong with not pursuing people with whom you have little in common with. Far better to be honest saving yourself and others the hurt and disappointment.

Now two online friends I messaged daily have gone quiet now. I give up. I just give up. I've tried so hard to stay positive and always have pleasant chatty news to try and keep peoples morale up. I have said it's been hard going at times but am luckier than many. At least I can say I couldn't have done more. It's books, boxsets, walks, OU work, solo travel, online shopping and work from now on. I'm done.

Sorry OP

You can talk to us every day, small consolation I know!

OP I’m sorry to hear that, and to hear the dismay in your post about these two online people. You know, I’m quite sure their silence is about them, not you. Maybe they couldn’t deal with positive, and have retreated into themselves for a bit?

It's funny, isn't it? I do think that there has been a shift over the last 10 to 15 years in attitudes.

I remember growing up and being in my teens and twenties and there wasn't this level of angst. Life was much less competitive and people were far less judgey and more friendly. I really feel like I am on my guard when I meet new people and tell them stuff about myself. It's almost like I say a couple of things and then they completely go off me.

Sorry to hear about your two online friends. Not sure what to suggest really. I have exactly the same problem. My closest friend has completely gone off the boil for various reasons I can't explain here. I would normally message her every few days but it's taking her ages to reply and she is quite dismissive which isn't a great help!

Just keep posting here if you need to. We can have our own little friendship community.

@dooratheexplorer I can identify with most of what you say. I always worry I say the wrong things when meeting new/not very established relationships, and if they don't contact to meet up, I put it down to something I've said, it's ALWAYS my fault

No idea how to solve this problem, it has got to be me

That sounds really frustrating OP. I'm at the give up stage right now and trying to funnel my energy into other things. Feel quite directionless right now.

@dooratheexplorer I think you're right. Maybe it's social media or ridiculous telly programmes influencing this. I feel like it used to be much easier to just get along with someone and have debate and conversation. Now I feel like I'm constantly on eggshells in case I say something someone doesn't like and they 'cancel' me.

I don't mean I say controversial shit either!

In all seriousness though, it makes me feel rubbish when I 'think' I'm not liked. Thinking rationally, how can you dislike someone you don't know?

I think people of a certain age, either have their friendship group already, or too exhausted to give the effort new friendships require.

Friendships certainly wax and wane, especially through different stages of life, we generally look for friendships based on where we are in our lives.
I finished a relationship 2 years ago, I needed to look for things to do, I joined groups and I've made a few new pals, I've also put effort into some old ones too!

It's not easy, and I still feel like rubbish

Hello OP, you sound like a wonderful person, your kind and thoughtful answers to everyone here show that. So I hope you won't give up, as some people out there deserve to have you as friend!
I'm wondering (based on my own experiences too), whether your situation is not also partly based on you being good at being on your own and being so considerate of others and always trying not to impose. Here's an example of what I mean: a close friend of mine once told me "It's great, I know I never need to worry about you!". I was pleased, as I would hate for people to worry or think they should get in touch because I'm sad and lonely, but at the same time I thought, "Thanks, but it would be nice if you answered my messages from time to time!".
Also, over the years, I've come to realise that a fair number of people are in relationships/do the family thing as a way to insulate themselves against ever being alone or lonely. Once they have done that, friendships (or even just being civil...) may not be so important to them.
I guess those are my two cents. Now, when are you organising that virtual bookclub? :)

Acorn - thanks a lot and for continuing to reply. Sorry you're going through the same and it's a huge consolation!

Tigger - you're right. It's just learning to pull back and lower expectations from now on. Thank you.

Doora - I agree. I don't think it's you, it's the way society's gone. People live in their own little worlds, from work, to car, to supermarket, to home. We certainly can, thanks a lot.

Kitsch - don't blame you, pity though. It's not what you want and yes to feeling lost but there's only so much you can do this.

Itsall - many aren't willing to give others a chance because we live in a far more transient world these days. That's where the internet's a problem too. There's always somebody else around the corner. Trouble is, nothing ever sticks and so it goes on. I would say it's that rather than an issue to do with you.

Yes, many do have their own groups. Some of us don't mind that as such because you know where you are from the outset. It's people who draw you in, build you up and then use or drop you when you're no longer convenient to them that leave you hurt and confused. You're doing really well putting yourself out there, it's just you haven't made close friendships yet. That could happen in time.

Midnight - thanks so much for your lovely comments and so do you. Hope you've got people who deserve you. You have certainly hit the nail on the head there! Absolutely, just because you get used to your own company and are mindful of being respectful of others doesn't mean you don't want to be thought of. In fact we'd welcome the occasional message or call. I agree it's that and people have retreated into their oen world's plus have run out of steam. Pity when all it takes is a quick text now and then just to check in.

Yes, people usually drift away when they settle down and some of us get that things are different. I've seen down the line that relationships can end, children grow up and parents die. Then it's too late to reconnect. Either the friends have also moved on or the friendship's no longer there.

Had a look at a vitual book club and surprisingly can't find one! Will keep looking though.

I'm wondering if we do have less ties that bind us to other people. The good friends I've made have all been people I've had some sort of bonding experience with, in my case going to uni and living away from home for the first time and becoming a first time mum. Without this factor I've never made a new friend.

Transient lifestyles are another barrier for some. I was severely bullied at school and from a very early age knew that putting down my own roots in the place I grew up was a bad idea for me. It has made me feel at a disadvantage to those with those networks from childhood of adolescence.

I found this a helpful perspective. It’s not the whole story but it’s interesting:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/oct/08/i-think-im-being-ghosted-by-my-closest-friend-how-do-i-move-on-with-my-dignity-intact

Thanks OP

I got past it when I remembered that every Wednesday there was a phone call full of tears after her therapy session - this being the therapist who decided she couldn’t cope with her as a client any more.

I didn’t make friends with her in a rescue way, I found her really fun and I was surprised to find she didn’t have friends.

I have a feeling she dropped me when she thought I might be a burden. My dad died. She tried to slip away after that but ended up giving me a different reason for it.

Why am I giving this headspace...have a good day all xx

sparkling that is a really helpful perspective - thanks for sharing.

@kitschplease and @SparklingLime: this is so helpful and can be applied to so many situations

-It draws things back to the fact that they didn’t provide what you needed, not the thought that they looked at you and decided you weren’t worth providing for. Friendship requires a genuine willingness to care for other people, including and especially when it won’t feel fun. If your friend won’t provide that care for you, the least you can do is provide it to yourself-

That said, sometimes it's worth digging deep and being generous when people come back and want to reconnect, as the cooling may really have had nothing to do with the friendship itself.