Had enough of making all the effort and am going to become a hermit

[stayanotherday]

Hi

I'm a single woman (47) with no family.

I've been in the same job for 17 years, soon to be made redundant. Worked on a very friendly team for years. Worked hard but we all got on and had a laugh. Have also built up what I thought was a circle of good friends over the last 2 - 10 years by joining groups and doing voluntary work because it's wrong to feel lonely and not make efforts. No issues with neighbours but they keep to themselves.

Since lockdown we've been wfh. The office is closing anyway. I've messaged everybody about every 10 - 14 days just to say Hi and check in. I've asked now and then if they'd like to meet up for a (socially distanced!) coffee and if they were free for a chat on the phone which was declined.

I get people have their own lives and I've tried to balance caring enough without constantly demanding or bothering them. I also get it's a hard situation for all of us and everybody's struggling. There's been no arguments or unkindness but they just haven't bothered in return. Thought we were close but am shocked to realise that's not true and the friendship ends at the door.

I left it to see if anybody would get in touch since about a fortnight ago. They haven't. I've decided not to get in touch again. I don't want to be a needy nuisance and can't do anymore. It's not as if I've got nothing else to do as I've been applying for jobs, working, studying, shopping and doing housework.

I'm in a lockdown area so am limited for now but to be honest I've had enough of trying to make friends, ending up making all the effort and can't do it anymore. I hate being completely isolated and that it's come to this but I've been let down too many times in the past and I'm not being a mug anymore. It's knocked the sauce out of me.

The next few months will be interesting. I can work anywhere in the UK and might have to move to follow the work. If that happens I won't look back or bother with people anymore. It will be so hard but at least I'll know where I stand. Society didn't want me and now I don't want its pain anymore. No wonder we're such a lonely society. I don't know why I posted really, just wanted to put it somewhere.

Sorry for the essay and thanks for reading.

Thanks, @stayanotherday. No, I think someone who didn’t get in touch at all during the pandemic is just not a friend in any meaningful way. She’s also in a country that has been way less affected by Covid than here. I thought I’d accepted it but I feel really sad. She was all big declarations of friendship but long silences, so I knew it was unequal, but 🤷🏻‍♀️

How are you doing now?

I agree Sparkling, that's not friendship. Most of us are finding it difficult and some of us don't mind cutting people some slack but it's nearly a year. Sounds like the crash and burn type. What a shame. It's a strange time of year too, pandemic aside, which makes us reflect. It shows you care though. Hope you're okay and can make other friends when places open. You deserve them.

I'm fine thanks. The redundancy's been extended from the end of this month to June. Gives more time and can't really make long term plans atm anyway! I'm in full lockdown here. Been busy doing OU assignments. The French is very tough this year so this year's holiday project will be working on the next. Might as well use the time wisely as pretty much up to date with everything else!

Hugely reassuring to have your job extended, @stayanotherday. I think it’s so admirable to use your free time so constructively with the OU. I fritter mine away on here...

Thanks Sparkling, it is but nothing wrong with that at all. It's nice to have somewhere to have a vent and a laugh! Could you make a list of things that need doing? Mine also involves online clothes shopping. No idea why, can't really go anywhere

I do have an endless list, @stayanotherday, but it tends to be very practical things not goals. I should raise my gaze! I have actually been doing some volunteering lately that I really enjoy. It hasn’t exactly led to friends, especially as it’s mainly done from home, but it does mean lots of contact with people. Helps with perspective and a feeling of connectedness. I hope you have a nice Christmas 🎄

Happy Christmas, Stayanotherday and JohnMc and Sparkling and Acorn (even though you have gone!)

I have been catching up reading through the last few pages of the thread today.

I hope you are doing something cozy and nice for the holiday!

Stay From everything you have written on here you are clearly a wonderful and thoughtful person!

I am really hoping next year will be better. It feels like life has been put on hold for all of us.

Good luck with the French. A language I always struggled with despite being half French myself and took 8 years of it (lol). I found Spanish so much easier and relaxing. Is the French career related?

Anyways, I just wanted you to know that even though you are far away I was thinking of you and wishing you well!!

Oh yes Sparkling, the endless list! Practical is better because you've more chance of achieving them. That'a great because it's getting you used to socialising again and it's something interesting, worthwhile and different. Anybody would be lucky to have you as a friend. Well done! Thanks very much for the good wishes, continuing to post and hope you do too.

User - great to see you again and thanks a lot. Could say the same as it's so kind of you to come back to the thread and think of us. Hope you enjoy the holidays. I find it goes very quickly considering. Yes, let's hope next year is better. It's been very strange.

French grammar is very difficult but maybe you could listen to French radio while you do other things? You'd be surprised how much you learn!

Thanks very much and hope you enjoy whatever you do over the holidays. Sending you best wishes!

Wishing you all a happy Christmas. Been lurking but not posting as I had a family member let me down which was the final straw for 2020. However a new year is approaching and hope to put myself out there and try and make new connections if not new friends.

Thanks a lot Onthebrink and same to you. Sorry that happened. My attitude now is it's sad but there's only so much you can do and so be it. You might not see it now but at least you know where you stand and can look for other people. Well done on a positive attitude and really hope you find well deserved friends.

Thanks to all of you and really hope you're enjoying the holidays.

You too, @stayanotherday. This is a fascinating thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4115887-To-ask-how-many-friends-you-ve-got

Thanks Sparkling. What did you make of it? How interesting to compare. Seems many have few friends. We live in a strange world. People have trust issues are too busy or it's because of social media.

It was a pretty sad read - both the people with nobody and the people who had many friends, highlighting the disparity. I’m feeling very lonely at the moment.

It was. Most either have pretty much nobody or loads of friends. You're not alone. Please use this thread as much as you want. That's what it's there for. It's a strange time of year and this whole year's been strange! Many of us find Christmas and winter difficult and then there's the so called Chrimbo Limbo and the miserable weather.

Are you able to go out for walks and do self-care?

Thank you, @stayanotherday. You’re very kind. Agree about the strange time of year. I’ve not been doing well at all with self-care, but I’m going to try again today. How are you doing?

It's so kind of you to keep posting Sparking. Thanks for that. Hope you find lots of ways and it whiles away the hours. What do you like doing?

I'm full of cold so have been resting instead of doing OU work. No energy at all. Looking forward to going for walks again.

Hi! @stayanotherday, just checking in to see how you are doing, hope you had a nice christmas.

Thanks a lot Grey and hope you did. What did you get up to?

I kept busy with bits and pieces but have also been full of cold that has slowed things down a bit. It's okay with it being the holidays in full lockdown though! Just need to get back into the OU work.

Just dropping by to see how everyone is? Been a bit under the weather and been spectacularly idle but as we’re in tier 4 there is not much incentive to be anything else.

Thanks. Same here tbh!

Hope you're all okay and have something nice for tomorrow night.

After sending out cards and presents eight have bothered in return over the last few days. That was a lot more than I thought. I believe they've been surprised I stopped contact after sending a quick text every 10 - 14 days and whereas when lockdown started it was a novelty with nice weather, it's different this time of year. They're struggling. I'm sorry they are.

I was pleasantly surprised and have been as friendly as I usually am but for my own sanity I won't rely on having friends anymore. It is what is is. Just heard a colleague has died. Devastating. He was a lovely intelligent single man who worked all his life but he didn't live and had no confidence. He did have a few good friends but he gave and others took relentlessly.

Best to do what I want and people can be part of it or not. I don't mean to sound harsh, it's actually difficult and I'll make all efforts with those who bother, but we can't let life pass us by and put them on hold for others. Wish I'd learnt this years ago.

Might have a takeaway, see if there's something on to watch or will enjoy self care products and will watch the virtual fireworks.

Do you mean you’ve been getting late Christmas cards/presents, @stayanotherday?

Hope you're okay Sparkling and managed self care. No, they came just before Christmas. In fairness one friend's messaged Happy New Year. That was kind. I was supposed to finish work today. Most people did. I considered logging on to the work laptop see if anybody had emailed or maybe to say goodbye to a few but I couldn't face it for reasons I can't entirely explain. Thinking of an Indian takeaway later. Hope you do something fun. Let's hope for a better New Year!

Happy new year to you Stay, and to all the hermits on the thread! Treat yourself to a nice takeaway or whatever else takes your fancy. You deserve it. Here's to the end of a long year, and the beginning of a new one full of promise!! May 2021 be full of happiness, friendship and love.

Happy New Year, @stayanotherday, @MidnightColours and all.