Had enough of making all the effort and am going to become a hermit

[stayanotherday]

Hi

I'm a single woman (47) with no family.

I've been in the same job for 17 years, soon to be made redundant. Worked on a very friendly team for years. Worked hard but we all got on and had a laugh. Have also built up what I thought was a circle of good friends over the last 2 - 10 years by joining groups and doing voluntary work because it's wrong to feel lonely and not make efforts. No issues with neighbours but they keep to themselves.

Since lockdown we've been wfh. The office is closing anyway. I've messaged everybody about every 10 - 14 days just to say Hi and check in. I've asked now and then if they'd like to meet up for a (socially distanced!) coffee and if they were free for a chat on the phone which was declined.

I get people have their own lives and I've tried to balance caring enough without constantly demanding or bothering them. I also get it's a hard situation for all of us and everybody's struggling. There's been no arguments or unkindness but they just haven't bothered in return. Thought we were close but am shocked to realise that's not true and the friendship ends at the door.

I left it to see if anybody would get in touch since about a fortnight ago. They haven't. I've decided not to get in touch again. I don't want to be a needy nuisance and can't do anymore. It's not as if I've got nothing else to do as I've been applying for jobs, working, studying, shopping and doing housework.

I'm in a lockdown area so am limited for now but to be honest I've had enough of trying to make friends, ending up making all the effort and can't do it anymore. I hate being completely isolated and that it's come to this but I've been let down too many times in the past and I'm not being a mug anymore. It's knocked the sauce out of me.

The next few months will be interesting. I can work anywhere in the UK and might have to move to follow the work. If that happens I won't look back or bother with people anymore. It will be so hard but at least I'll know where I stand. Society didn't want me and now I don't want its pain anymore. No wonder we're such a lonely society. I don't know why I posted really, just wanted to put it somewhere.

Sorry for the essay and thanks for reading.

[AcornAutumn]

Atmybook “ to the point where a long time friend told me a few years ago she was literally trawlling facebook for women with babies as I wasn't giving her what she needed now she was a mother”

Wow.

I’m childfree as well. I must admit I found it dull to listen to the early obsessive conversations.

It gets easier as the children get older and they can teach me new swear words

[teaforme3]

I just never seem to fit in no matter where I go. I'm from a very worrkng class background and have a strong regional accent but went to university with a lot of middle class and posh people and on my MA course I was the only person who hadn't been to private school.

I did make at least 1 true friend on my undergrad course but for many I met through that world my accent and regional dialect were an excuse to poke fun at me. I rememeber a party while I was on my MA course where everyone was laughing about my accent saying it was like something you hear at an airport terminal as people with farmfoods plastic bags for luggage walk past. They thought they were being funny but of course it's what they really thought and none of them bothered with me at all after our 2 year course ended.

I also find I don't fit in much with people where I grew up either, they all think I'm a snob or weird. I don't drink, I typically have different interests and tastes to them which they use as a reason to exclude me, not drinking is a bit part of it I think.

I often feel like i don't fit in anywhere. My husband is from the same background as me and is in much the same boat as me, we live in the area we grew up in to be close to elderly family but we don't fit in here.

I try not to think of it too much.

[atmybook]

@AcornAutumn I guess they can be a bit tedious but then I just tried to share their excitment!

I wouldn't really know about it getting better as they get older as I've all but been phased out by now.

[AcornAutumn]

Tea “ I did make at least 1 true friend on my undergrad course but for many I met through that world my accent and regional dialect were an excuse to poke fun at me”

One of the friends who has vanished from lockdown had this problem with her mother in law, of all people. I’m sorry you had that. I’d want to knock someone’s teeth out for that.

[AcornAutumn]

[quote atmybook]@AcornAutumn I guess they can be a bit tedious but then I just tried to share their excitment!

I wouldn't really know about it getting better as they get older as I've all but been phased out by now.[/quote]
Oh, sorry. Have you thought what you’d do if they reappear? They might.

Something else that has bonded us to some extent is our parents. With my old friends, I bounced back to my parents between rentals a couple of times and so they’ve met friends and then met their kids etc

Some of us have lost parents and there’s been a bond there. I hate saying it, but it’s like in Greys Anatomy when Cristina talks to George about the Dead Dads Club.

[atmybook]

@AcornAutumn I like to think my door is always open but at the same time I don't want to be that person flogging away at a dead horse and them wondering why I don't get the hint. I try to stay in touch in low pressure ways like cards at birthdays and christmas but sometimes don't even get that reciprocated.

However I'd cut them some slack for having young kids.

I don't really have that link with parents as mine live way out rurally and so I was typically the one travelling out to meet them in the city. I'm sorry to hear about your Dad, my parents are still with me. I do sort of understand about what you mean about being bonded by something difficult as in my 20's I had a close friend who's mother was very ill at the same time my dad was ill and for a while we were very close.

[Mintypylonsfryingsurplus]

Relationships are really difficult at the best of times but I am sorry 2020 has highlighted this even more for many of us.
Its really difficult feeling unwanted and rejected. When you crave a meaningful friendship and it seems so illusive.
I am finding this too after I let a lot of friendships go. I was hoping that it would leave a gap for new connections but right now its hard to get out and do anything and people in general are in survival mode only taking on what they can manage.
I am a lot more wary now in making connections in general, just got more picky as I am older. I am a reformed people pleaser so used to attract a lot of people that wanted me to do/ use me for stuff. So I need to be careful that I dont slip into this again out of desperation.
OP what about moving to an area where you can find your tribe more easily? For example a total lifestyle? Gor example if you are a free spirited outdoors type probably best to mot move to an area where materialism etc is the main goal? I know this sounds obvious but you are more likely to find your tribe if you have the freedom to do that?
I agree with not having too many expectations too, but that said it works both ways. Keeping something going is exhausting if it one sided.
I am reading all of this with interest as it seems more people have this problem now.

[caramelaero]

@Mintypylonsfryingsurplus it does feel like its hard to find your tribe and meet people who aren't just using you. I find it difficult as people seem to really want to be friend only with those who reflect them back, or people who they aspire to be like as in cool, rich or successful. When your none of those things you get overlooked or dropped.

I just don't meet that many people who I could be close to and I'm not interested in superficial frienships as they just make me feel lonelier. As you get older it is harder as people have their groups and are too busy to make space for new people.

[OhioOhioOhio]

I totally understand the frustration. Easier to dip in and out of friendliness.

[caramelaero]

Anyway my plan is to reinvent myself over the winter and into next year while I am hidden from veiw and emerge a butterfly.

[Fannybawz]

@TiggerDatter

friends are overrated! I’m 58 and I have lots of friends, from all stages of my life. I don’t have any expectations of them, I just enjoy their company. I’ve never relied on them, I make no real effort with them and I don’t communicate with them much. To me that’s what friends are for, just the good times, never the bad. For those I have my dog!

What do you offer to them then?
Would you be around for them in the bad times?

Such a bizarre attitude

[Livpool]

I find wfh hard and isolating and I don't like alone so really feel for you OP. I think at times like this it is easy for people to become a bit selfish and only think about themselves.

Your friends sound pretty rubbish to be honest

[Picktionary]

Can I be your friend, OP??

[kitschplease]

tea my uni experience is very similar!

[BobbinThreadbare123]

My uni experience was like that too! @kitschplease @teaforme3

[TiggerDatter]

@Fannybawz I don’t know what I offer them and I don’t know why they want to be friends with me, it is indeed bizarre!

Friends were very important to me at one point in my life, and I certainly put in a huge amount of effort with them, but I had a series of crises from 19 to 26 or so and they were no support whatsoever. So I learnt my lesson, that friendship is overrated. Since then, I’ve had loads. Go figure. I enjoy their company, they seem to enjoy mine, and that’s it.

[stayanotherday]

Katherine - fair point and to take it for what it is. I just find it's not worth the effort anymore.

Straven - hobbies to meet like minded people seem to be the wy to go. You at least have that in common and see the same faces.

Highfalutin - I'm so sorry it's happened to you. It is hard to build anything up more than a superficial level these days because it takes time and not many seem to want to invest. It's more what you can do for them.

[stayanotherday]

Atmy - that must have been so painful for you. I empathise with that. Many of us without children have no issue with those that do and even love friends children. Wonder what they'll do when those children leave home and they end up alone?

Acorn - children are hilarious!

Tea - that's awful and can relate to that. You don't need people who judge, can't think outside the box and can't accept you for who you are but it still hurts.

Minty - it really is hard when so many places are closed, we're more isolated now and people are consumed by their own difficult issues. Hope you can meet people when restrictions lift. Another former people pleaser here! You do learn to be more careful and it's a pity you have to. It is interesting and also said it's happening more .

Great suggestion, thanks. I have thought about moving away and can see that happening next year. It's just seeing what jobs are available at the moment with the pandemic and then will be in a stronger position to look at the long term.

Ohio - Yes it is sadly. Sorry you've had that.

Caramel - Good on you! And hope you find some good people.

Livpool - Thanks very much. It is very hard with only your thoughts for company isn't it? Sorry it's happened to you. It's so upsetting but I've got a lot less caring and that's not what I want but you have to in the end. When restrictions lift if they get back in touch I don't think these friendships will be the same anymore, if at all. That sounds awful but when you've seen peoples' true colours....hope you find company.

Pick - I'd be honoured to be your friend. Thanks so much!

I really appreciate all of you for continuing to reply. Sad so many can relate and have stayed on the fringes of society when it shouldn't have to be like that. At least we can chat on here!

[Fannybawz]

[quote TiggerDatter]@Fannybawz I don’t know what I offer them and I don’t know why they want to be friends with me, it is indeed bizarre!

Friends were very important to me at one point in my life, and I certainly put in a huge amount of effort with them, but I had a series of crises from 19 to 26 or so and they were no support whatsoever. So I learnt my lesson, that friendship is overrated. Since then, I’ve had loads. Go figure. I enjoy their company, they seem to enjoy mine, and that’s it.[/quote]
You’re probably putting yourself under less pressure.

I’m trying to train myself out of being a rescuer and it’s quite liberating.

Maybe you’re more fun to be around!

[TiggerDatter]

Yes, I don’t want to rescue or fix people, I can’t and I won’t. If there’s something very tangible I can do, like offer a break at my place for a few days, or company on a tricky visit, then I’ll do this for friends who are on their own. I expect nothing in return.

And yes, I’m all about the fun in company! When I’m not fun/sad, I just want my dog. I don’t find talking to people helpful at all.

[stayanotherday]

Oh yes, stopping becoming a rescuer and a people pleaser. Don't blame anybody who expects nothing.

Just an update - the interview went really well. They just 'phoned to say I didn't get it but did really well and missed out by a whisker. Fair feedback was given about where I could have expanded a little more on two questions. I said I really appreciated them telling me immediately, for the feedback and wished the successful person the best. They kindly said more jobs are coming out in the next few weeks and strongly urged me to apply. I will and in the meantime still have a job until the end of the year.

Thanks a lot for the good wishes and keeping an interesting discussion going.

[SparklingLime]

That sounds very promising job-wise, @stayanotherday.

I lost two friends during lockdown. Just have relatively recent acquaintances/almost friends now. I’m also over it all. I realise I have made mistakes in the past with rescuing and having excessively high expectations. But now I am pretty isolated.

[stayanotherday]

Sparklinglime - sorry that happened. It destroys your trust. Don't blame you, it's just a shame and hard to find that balance. There's plenty of good people on this thread at least!

Thanks very much. It is.

[AcornAutumn]

OP that sounds good.

SparklingLime - I’m sorry. It’s so hard to lose people you thought were friends.

[Chameleon2003]

I think because of lockdown everyone has run out of steam a bit.
At the start I was phoning and zooming people but there isn't much to say at the moment.
I feel like everything is 'on hold' and will probably pick up again in the future.
Not excusing the people that have let you down though!

A young person I know recently joined Bumble but looking for friendships only.
Not sure what the age range is but she had quite a few women get in touch and they messaged for a while -presumably they were all in similar situations.
She found it all a bit tiring as she as Asperger's but it might work for others.