Had enough of making all the effort and am going to become a hermit

[stayanotherday]

Hi

I'm a single woman (47) with no family.

I've been in the same job for 17 years, soon to be made redundant. Worked on a very friendly team for years. Worked hard but we all got on and had a laugh. Have also built up what I thought was a circle of good friends over the last 2 - 10 years by joining groups and doing voluntary work because it's wrong to feel lonely and not make efforts. No issues with neighbours but they keep to themselves.

Since lockdown we've been wfh. The office is closing anyway. I've messaged everybody about every 10 - 14 days just to say Hi and check in. I've asked now and then if they'd like to meet up for a (socially distanced!) coffee and if they were free for a chat on the phone which was declined.

I get people have their own lives and I've tried to balance caring enough without constantly demanding or bothering them. I also get it's a hard situation for all of us and everybody's struggling. There's been no arguments or unkindness but they just haven't bothered in return. Thought we were close but am shocked to realise that's not true and the friendship ends at the door.

I left it to see if anybody would get in touch since about a fortnight ago. They haven't. I've decided not to get in touch again. I don't want to be a needy nuisance and can't do anymore. It's not as if I've got nothing else to do as I've been applying for jobs, working, studying, shopping and doing housework.

I'm in a lockdown area so am limited for now but to be honest I've had enough of trying to make friends, ending up making all the effort and can't do it anymore. I hate being completely isolated and that it's come to this but I've been let down too many times in the past and I'm not being a mug anymore. It's knocked the sauce out of me.

The next few months will be interesting. I can work anywhere in the UK and might have to move to follow the work. If that happens I won't look back or bother with people anymore. It will be so hard but at least I'll know where I stand. Society didn't want me and now I don't want its pain anymore. No wonder we're such a lonely society. I don't know why I posted really, just wanted to put it somewhere.

Sorry for the essay and thanks for reading.

I don't find it angsty tbh and I don't feel that I don't have friends because people don't like me. It's just hard to find like-minded people and to break through the barrier between being acquaintances and being friends. I think maybe when people don't make the effort, it's because they see their relationship with us as acquaintance-level, not friend-level. So they can take or leave regular contact or social meet-ups.

Snuggy - that's true. People can and do make friendships out of shared experiences. I've also noticed they can end when that situation changes. Sorry you were bullied. You were right to move away from toxic behaviour and widen your horizons.

Sparkling - wow. Thanks very much for that. It is interesting and fair. Gives a lot to think about.

Acorn - you're giving it headspace because you're caring and because it's hurtful and disappointing. You thought you had a good friendship that turned out to be one sided. It's a pattern with these people and their friendships are always time limited. When you need support in return, they quickly back away. The consolation is it leaves you free to concentrate on those who do care.

Lazy - Yes it's very hard at times to take things to the next level. You don't always know what people want or have going on in their lives and so might not be able to, nothing to do with you. That's fair if everybody understands that's how it is. If you want more you then you have the option to look elsewhere and know where you stand.

Hope you've all had a good day and thanks for all your continued interesting and kind comments. Have been looking for and applying for more jobs. There's a weather warning here for the next few days so will carry on applying and doing OU work. One consolation is there's time to do that!

It was my birthday recently, and christ that hammers it home.

Belated happy birthday @SparklingLime 💐

@SparklingLime the reason I detest my birthday

@stayanotherday I was also bullied, my primary years, I remember it like it was yesterday. I am also the last of 6, with a gap between me and my last sibling. In the last, probably 5 years, I've realised that that is where most of my issues come from. There's 18mth-2 years between my siblings, then me. A little girl who had no voice/no value/no opinion, who grew up 'people pleasing' to be noticed/liked. I let people choose me (including partners) they liked my vulnerability, could manipulate me, of course they could, I'm kind, generous, loyal etc etc.

I've spent a large proportion of my life angry, trying to defend 'little me'. I'm late fifties now, and trying to sort my head out after all these years, because all these things I've mentioned, have had a massive impact (still do to an extent) on relationships/friendships. Trust issues, I think I'm not good enough to be a friend, so they must want something else from me.

I'm getting better, but for me, it's still a work in progress. The lockdown has certainly triggered a lot of stuff for me, and how people are "I'm alright Jack"

I started hating my birthday before I was even a teenager and it was largely due to having crap friends I think. I'm not being woe is me as I wasn't a great friend at that age either but it meant I had several extremely disappointing birthdays until I stopped wanting to do anything or even have presents on them.

I also agree that your family and upbringing must be an influencer here. My own parents were introverted to the point that by my teen years pretty much never socialised outside of family. It meant that a. I never had anyone to model adult social relationships and b. despite the fact that they lived in the same place for 30 years they had no connections there

And yes the acquaintancezone is a thing

@SnuggyBuggy your primary caregiver/s are THE major influences in your formative years. I had a wonderful relationship with my late Mum, however, since she died (2012) I realise that she/siblings shaped the person I became.

I am NOT criticising her/them in any way at all, my family (especially my Mum) had it bloody hard, but I have identified this is where it began.

I don't ever remember my birthday being celebrated as a child, how terribly sad is that

I don't blame my parents either, they just don't seem to need to have any friends or social life. I reckon they thought I'd just pick up the social skills I needed and didn't realise what I needed was for them to model things.

They were also horrified by how self centered I was as a teen but then I'd never seen either of them do anything to help a neighbour for example.

I didn't have an abusive upbringing by any means, we have a loving relationship but it was a very insular upbringing and I don't think I was well prepared for adult relationships.

My birthday was within a couple of days of a major holiday.

And boy, did my friends not want to go out on my birthday! "I'm saving my money for Holiday Day, we can go out and celebrate it then instead"

So from basically my teens I was conditioned to ignore my birthday so my friends could be more comfortable. It always pissed me off, but you can't force people to celebrate your birthday!

Because of course on Holiday Day, when I went out with them, my birthday was totally forgotten and everyone was just going "HOLIDAY DAY! WOO HOO!"

So my birthday was totally submerged and forgotten about. My parents did remember and always got me a sentimental card, which I did appreciate so much.

In a way, maybe its better. I stopped celebrating it very early on and it almost passes name by now. But the good aspect is that getting older doesn't bother me, as I barely register that I have gotten older!

Yeah I like how when you're an adult you can get away with not bothering with your birthday. I used to get so irritated by well meaning people trying to persuade me to celebrate my birthday after I'd given up on it.

Happy birthday sparkling!

Your stories on this thread really resonate me - I can tick off the insular (downright weird) childhood, and being bullied. Interesting to read about the acquaintance zone - that's the mistake I make - I think someone is my friend, but I'm just some random to them.

I let someone I used to be close to know that I hadn't spoken to anyone outside of the family in 10 days. She just said 'that must be hard' with no suggestion to meet up. Maybe I should have been more direct, but 9 times out of 10 I'm doing the chasing/inviting. Not any more. At least I know where I stand (on the acquaintance step!).

I think this is the worse country for the lack of social interaction. It's particularly bad I think in the SE where I am from. People avoid eye contact, or look at you if you are barking mad if you smile at them or initiate conversation. When you are older people tend to have established groups and they don't want or need anyone new to join. So making friends when you are older is very hard these days. People are also quiet selfish, and don't give others any thought unless they need something from that person.

I am married, with no family, and if it wasn't for him, I would also be in the same boat. Nobody would contact me. I have had what I thought were friends throughout life, but they were situational friends, so ones connected to work or you helped them out at some point etc. And the friendships fizzled out as people moved on.

I do worry what will happen to me or to my husband if we are no longer around for each other, but try not to dwell. My husband has a sister in opposite side of the country with kids and grandkids. We called her early in pandemic, she was quite tied up with her family and cut the call short. She loves her brother but not once has she picked up the phone since Spring to check in on us. As a result I have mentally cut them off as being there for us.

The older I get, the more of an introvert I am, and don't really care anymore about having no friends, I am glad I no longer have to listen to dramas and to buoy them up. Try having a drama of your own and they suddenly become deaf and absent.

I think covid has been extremely hard on single people that live alone. Especially those working from home. I am doing just that, and I have had minimal chit chat with colleagues, which would be quite isolating if I lived alone.

Having said all that, this is a weird old time. All sorts of emotions are being writ large, anxieties are prevalent etc, there are a lot of people struggling, even those with seemingly happy families and lots of mates.

I'm from the SE and feel like that. It's why I don't really judge my parents. Neither of them grew up where we lived and it could be that they tried to integrate socially but nothing really stuck so they learned to make do without if that makes sense.

I think a lot of people lately have retreated inwards, staying at home more and pursuing home based interests. Thus might be n response to safety concerns, but the colder weather now encourages this. I know I’m not making the same effort with some friends, but that’s really because I’ve had the time and space to see that they have become too one sided, and I don’t have the energy to keep supporting people who don’t give back.
I remember seeing the phrase Workships used to describe work based friendships that don’t endure beyond a workplace.
I’m wondering if there are any other local activities still going on near you? Walking groups, reading and book group type stuff.
I think these are hard times, worse perhaps for people living alone .

Hello @stayanotherday, it's great to hear that you're keeping yourself busy. How have you been today?

Sparkling - many happy returns! Thanks very much. Am snowed under with job applications so will update properly tomorrow. As I logged on though this popped up www.elle.com/uk/life-and-culture/culture/a34346452/friendship-fade/. Interesting. Hope you all have a great night.

@SparklingLime belated birthday wishes

I live SE too, and yes I agree we are rather 'reserved'. However, I think most people will chat IF you initiate it. But actually chatting to make friends is so much harder, there has to be (like dating) that spark, the thing that makes you want to get to know somebody more.

I think, as much as I want real friends, I probably don't give off that vibe, as I've spent so much of my life feeling excluded and rejected, that I am maybe a bit distant, or come across as I have my house in order so to speak! I just don't feel I'm part of anything, and that's my problem I think.

Just want to add..I AM fun, and if you ask anyone who 'knows' me, that's the first thing they'd say about me!

This is a familiar place for me, even before lockdown. I'm surprised that I can count the number of friends I know from school and University on my fingers and have fingers left over. Have made some more from work but it's a lonely place when it seems that other people think your phone number will make their phone explode or something. I have AS so I know all about the acquaitencezone - try confusing that for the friendzone and being surprised when they react weirdly since you had misintepreted them.

I am an introvert and I am reserved but I have also been used as the unnofficial therapist/emotional toilet too many times only to find my needs aren't reciprocated when I'm in the shit. If anything I have even been met with anger for not being in the 'strong, resiliant' box for once.
I did try setting up a Facebook group but there was almost no traffic. Is there one already in existence?

How appropriate. I've managed to kill the thread. I hope this thread has shown you that you aren't alone at least.

I honestly don’t think you’ve killed the thread, don’t worry @JohnMcCainsDeathStare!

I totally get what you mean about people always expecting you to be the strong one, not to need support etc. That’s been me for the whole of my life. I expect no support and I receive none (except from my DDs now they are adult)

Same here.

I want to move to a small village and join the WI.

@JohnMcCainsDeathStare you haven't killed it
I could have written your post. I really could have done with some support myself on the odd occasion, but it isn't forthcoming because I am seen as the 'coper'. Yes, I could ask but if I can see that others need a shoulder, why can't people see it when I do?

I'm seen as a coper as well.

Outwardly, I am generally happy and quite upbeat. I've been struggling lately though and my colleague who talks non-stop was really surprised when I told her. No coincidence that she knows very little about me and never asks me anything.....