Had enough of making all the effort and am going to become a hermit

[stayanotherday]

Hi

I'm a single woman (47) with no family.

I've been in the same job for 17 years, soon to be made redundant. Worked on a very friendly team for years. Worked hard but we all got on and had a laugh. Have also built up what I thought was a circle of good friends over the last 2 - 10 years by joining groups and doing voluntary work because it's wrong to feel lonely and not make efforts. No issues with neighbours but they keep to themselves.

Since lockdown we've been wfh. The office is closing anyway. I've messaged everybody about every 10 - 14 days just to say Hi and check in. I've asked now and then if they'd like to meet up for a (socially distanced!) coffee and if they were free for a chat on the phone which was declined.

I get people have their own lives and I've tried to balance caring enough without constantly demanding or bothering them. I also get it's a hard situation for all of us and everybody's struggling. There's been no arguments or unkindness but they just haven't bothered in return. Thought we were close but am shocked to realise that's not true and the friendship ends at the door.

I left it to see if anybody would get in touch since about a fortnight ago. They haven't. I've decided not to get in touch again. I don't want to be a needy nuisance and can't do anymore. It's not as if I've got nothing else to do as I've been applying for jobs, working, studying, shopping and doing housework.

I'm in a lockdown area so am limited for now but to be honest I've had enough of trying to make friends, ending up making all the effort and can't do it anymore. I hate being completely isolated and that it's come to this but I've been let down too many times in the past and I'm not being a mug anymore. It's knocked the sauce out of me.

The next few months will be interesting. I can work anywhere in the UK and might have to move to follow the work. If that happens I won't look back or bother with people anymore. It will be so hard but at least I'll know where I stand. Society didn't want me and now I don't want its pain anymore. No wonder we're such a lonely society. I don't know why I posted really, just wanted to put it somewhere.

Sorry for the essay and thanks for reading.

[AcornAutumn]

Fox “ I’d love a night out with them or just a glass of wine in the pub or a long walk Or shopping trip etc. But how do I do that with very small children in tow?”

Can’t your husband have them?

I tend to book a time for chatting with people on the phone.

[stayanotherday]

Thanks so much for your replies and food for thought everybody. Sorry it's happened to others. I also applied to be a Samaritans and Silverline volunteer but there were no vacancies. It is better to expect nothing from people.

Princess - it certainly is an eye opener and although very sad to discover those you thought of as good friends and used to keep in regular touch with, now it's out of sight out of mind. I'm not prepared to make all the effort and having one sided friendships anymore as I have in the past either. You just end up feeling an idiot.

Rainbow - I've told several and all of a sudden they're busy and disappear. The sad thing is this situation can happen to anybody and I won't be there for them in future. Will look into an online book club, thanks!

Moira - thanks a lot! You're right, from now on I'll be polite and professional at work but no more. Colleagues instead of friendship.

Lambchop - yes, it is hard. Fellow introvert here! We do need down time but I find left all alone we withdraw into ourselves too much. It's hard. You sound really nice and maybe just haven't met the right people.

Snuggy - the socialising certainly does drain you and it's a shame to put yourself out there when you don't get much back.

Tigger - as long as you're happy with that, that's fair.

Bee - sorry it's happened to you, they might need your friendship one day but hope you enjoy with your other friend. That's a positive!

MusicMan - sign this way! What a great idea, all up for that!

52 - yes and this is the time we need friendship more than ever.

Pye - exactly, you can't be bothered and that's what's happening these days. People wonder why they're so lonely then as nobody can be bothred. No point.

Anordinary mum - we do seem to be and it doesn't have to be like that. Yes, sadly many have agendas and the trust as well as the good will has gone. There is, books and boxsets are the way to go I think.

Bobbin - very true. So sorry and sounds like you've not found your people too. There does seem to be a sort of game where some of us aren't privy to the rules. You've tried very hard and that's something to be proud of. Glad you have a DH.

Women - good point. I grew up in a village full of families with young children and elderly people who had their own circles. I moved to a town hoping to find a better mixture of people with more going on but there's no interest and is rather unfriendly. Will look at moving again when a new job comes up.

Fox - that is a lot to deal with and any reasonable person would understand that's where you are right now. I'd like to think they'd even offer to help out, I would.

You're actually doing brilliantly being aware of this and it's hardly as if you're not bothering. You're making huge efforts by anybody's standards, let alone with everything you've got going on. Please call them. They might be lonely and thrilled to hear from you. The worst that can happen is they're not available. At least you've tried. There's nothing to lose. Could you invite them over to yours for dinner or a drink? Have a virtual pub or coffee meet? Even go food shopping with them for a catch up without the children in tow?

Good news, after only applying for four jobs so far I've already got an interview Wednesday and have bought a new dress for luck so at least that's something to keep busy.

[stayanotherday]

Soul - I agree. Glad you've found a friend and yes, it's definitely good to take it slowly. It's hard when you've known somebody years then the friendship stops.

Acorn - Good idea to plan a convenient time to phone.

[Foxinthechickencoop]

Hurrah, OP. Well done on the job front! Great news

[badger2005]

AcornAutumn and stayanotherday - sorry if this is a stupid idea or has already been suggested, but couldn't you make friends with each other? I guess you might not live near each other, but a coffee over a zoom call might work?

[Beebumble2]

Great news OP fingers crossed for getting the job.
Thank you, also for answering others points. On a positive note for the future, as I’m a fair bit older than you, I made a good friend through a hobby a couple of years ago. We are like kindred spirits. So it’s never too late to happen upon a good friend.

[stayanotherday]

Floral - sorry for missing your post as I was typing replies. Hope you had a nice birthday and glad you have a DH and close family.

It is difficult with no family or partner as you have no ready made company and have to go out and look for it. There's only so much effort you can make. Yes, you can't rely on others. And absolutely it's difficult to know what to do about staying in touch or not when efforts are not returned. The people who turned their backs might very well need you one day but you won't be around for their convenience.

[AcornAutumn]

badger I’m not liking for new friends, I probably explained myself badly, I was saying the hermit thing is completely relatable.

OP I hope you don’t mind me saying that.

I’ve got my bestie, sister, cousin and some others and when friendship really means being on hand to help, it’s a commitment.

I don’t want to continue that commitment with people who’ve vanished over lockdown, is what I was saying.

[stayanotherday]

Fox - thanks a lot! Have only applied for four so far. Got shortlisted for another and turned down for one who wanted an immediate start. My last day is the 31st of December so didn't want to apply too soon but don't want to leave it too late either.

Badger - great idea, thanks and anybody else is welcome too!

Bee - thanks again. So glad you made a friend doing something you enjoy. Thanks for saying that because it gives hope. All you can do is try, move forwards and do what you can, even in difficult circumstances. Thanks for acknowledging that. Let's face it, it would be unfair and unkind to moan about nobody bothering, then not do so myself!

[stayanotherday]

Acorn - of course not, I admire your honesty. It is a commitment and completely understandable you only want to have that with a trusted few. You certainly don't need people who choose not to give than in return.

[SomeoneTellBorisHeHasDandruff]

Excellent news re: Your job interview, best of luck for Wednesday. 🤞 Please keep us posted, you have lot’s of people routing for you!

[SomeoneTellBorisHeHasDandruff]

Oh and I meant to say earlier that I totally understand you not wanting to put in all the effort with friendships. I agree entirely, those type of friendships just aren’t worth it and leave you feeling worse than before.
I have a friend from school and we’ve known each other for over 25 years now. She is understandably wrapped up with primary school age kids and work, etc but I feel we are friends in name only now. The friendship ended really when her life got so busy and I don’t hold that against her. I’ll WhatsApp her and she’ll read it and then she will message me maybe 2 months later not even responding to any of the last message! I have long since given up feeling a bit down about it, I just accept the new normal as it were. A few messages a year and birthday and Christmas cards are just how it is now. So I do understand a little bit of how you are feeling.
I do hope the new year brings new opportunities for you because you sound like a good person and you deserve to be happy.

[stayanotherday]

Someone - thanks so much. Yes, you just feel daft in the end. You understand people have their own lives but you feel sad a close and friendship, like family even, came to that. It's a pity your friend couldn't even say a quick "Hi" after reading it and it's clear it's one sided.

My experience is people down the line often need those they dismissed but by then you've moved on yourself. When things go out of your life it's because something better's ahead. Hope that happens for you. Thank you, really appreciate you and everybody else on here for being so kind.

[kitschplease]

Have I found my people?! I'm really tired (physically and mentally) of suggesting things and trying to meet people only to be ignored/rebuffed. It's always in a nice way, but I'm like the extra friend - everyone already has a group of buddies and I'm the add on. If I suggest doing something, my friends already have plans with other people. That sounds really self pitying so you're probably thinking it's obvious why I don't have any friends 🤣 but it's the realisation I came to over lockdown. I think I confuse chatty whatsapp groups with proper friendship circles.

[stayanotherday]

Come and join us Kitsch, we're hiding over here! Totally understand the feeling like a spare part. It's hard to know what's what sometimes and you can only reach out so many times :)

[Iggypoppie]

I've noticed people disappearing too but just to say that I also know of a forum called Gateway Women that aims to help women without children, particularly single women, find their 'tribe'. They have online and offline meetups and seem to be a good place for support and friendship, particularly for those whose friendship groups tail off when they enter the child raising years. Link gateway-women.com/community/

[stayanotherday]

Thanks a lot Iggy, sorry that happened to you too and hope the forum's been of use to you. There's lots on there.

[KatherineJaneway]

Moira - thanks a lot! You're right, from now on I'll be polite and professional at work but no more. Colleagues instead of friendship.

There's no need to be distant, just recognise the friendships for what they are. Work throws us together with people for long periods of time and it's almost impossible to keep that going after you leave. However you can get comfort from the situation at the time.

[LambChopAndAsparagus]

AcornAutumn

I think it would have been kinder to myself to say that there's something about men that puts me off.

I think I can be quite intense at times. Not in what I expect from others, just how I am. I try not to be but it means I'm constantly trying to be something I'm not. And that probably comes across as inauthentic. I also know that, when people have a lot of good, longstanding friends, they are less likely to be open to building close friendships with new people.

[LambChopAndAsparagus]

*about me!

[Straven123]

I don't have many friends, certainly not many/?any I could call close.

But I am not a chatty person and find it very hard to talk about myself and am no good at funny stories/ such and such happened on the way to the shops stuff so am pretty boring. However, I have made friends through hobbies - then there's things to talk about. And you are normally doing something whilst chatting occasionally rather than face to face over coffee and struggling to fill the silences. Birdwatching was a good one (it probably attracts not very chatty people).

[SnuggyBuggy]

I wish we could get over the myth that anyone, any place, any time can make reasonable friendships just by following some steps

[Highfalutinlootin]

You are not alone in your feelings, OP. I am a bit younger but I often feel the same about making and keeping friends. To use some sales terms, I find it easy to generate friend "leads" as I'm good at striking up a genuine conversation with anyone and have lots of interests and hobbies. It's converting those acquaintances to actual friendships that I've found literally impossible. My only real friend is a guy I've known since college. Everyone else I end up making all the effort and if I stop, they never respond. I find it so depressing I've basically stopped trying. I'm still happy to chat with people, but I no longer make any effort to actually try to become friends. Too disappointing.

[atmybook]

@Iggypoppie Gateway Women looks interesting but it seems more aimed at women who wanted children but never had them for whatever reason which puts me off a bit as I chose not to have children. However as I don't have kids I find I'm excluded a lot by women my age as well to the point where a long time friend told me a few years ago she was literally trawlling facebook for women with babies as I wasn't giving her what she needed now she was a mother :(

Do you know if that group is for women who didn't want children as well as those who did?

[atmybook]

Further to issues with being a childfree or childless woman are that any issues or problems you might have are belittled and dismissed by friends with children as if you can only ever have real problems or be genuinely tired if you have children. It also acts are a rebuff anytime you might need support or a bit of sympathy or empathy, they just don't see you as deserving it compared to them all the while you have to listen to how hard life is for them, how tired they are.