Had enough of making all the effort and am going to become a hermit

[stayanotherday]

Hi

I'm a single woman (47) with no family.

I've been in the same job for 17 years, soon to be made redundant. Worked on a very friendly team for years. Worked hard but we all got on and had a laugh. Have also built up what I thought was a circle of good friends over the last 2 - 10 years by joining groups and doing voluntary work because it's wrong to feel lonely and not make efforts. No issues with neighbours but they keep to themselves.

Since lockdown we've been wfh. The office is closing anyway. I've messaged everybody about every 10 - 14 days just to say Hi and check in. I've asked now and then if they'd like to meet up for a (socially distanced!) coffee and if they were free for a chat on the phone which was declined.

I get people have their own lives and I've tried to balance caring enough without constantly demanding or bothering them. I also get it's a hard situation for all of us and everybody's struggling. There's been no arguments or unkindness but they just haven't bothered in return. Thought we were close but am shocked to realise that's not true and the friendship ends at the door.

I left it to see if anybody would get in touch since about a fortnight ago. They haven't. I've decided not to get in touch again. I don't want to be a needy nuisance and can't do anymore. It's not as if I've got nothing else to do as I've been applying for jobs, working, studying, shopping and doing housework.

I'm in a lockdown area so am limited for now but to be honest I've had enough of trying to make friends, ending up making all the effort and can't do it anymore. I hate being completely isolated and that it's come to this but I've been let down too many times in the past and I'm not being a mug anymore. It's knocked the sauce out of me.

The next few months will be interesting. I can work anywhere in the UK and might have to move to follow the work. If that happens I won't look back or bother with people anymore. It will be so hard but at least I'll know where I stand. Society didn't want me and now I don't want its pain anymore. No wonder we're such a lonely society. I don't know why I posted really, just wanted to put it somewhere.

Sorry for the essay and thanks for reading.

Thanks, @stayanotherday and @AcornAutumn. Both happened right at the start of lockdown, and one was a friendship of 12+ years. I consciously avoided causing any drama or blame from myself, so 🤷🏻‍♀️

I am currently a sahm. I know that when I was working, having friends was less of an issue because work took up enough energy (lots of communicating) and just having people around with whom I could chat. None of them were friends really but it seemed enough and everything was already set up, so less effort required in terms of going out of my way to meet people.

I guess that's one of the things I miss most about working - occupying my time and having instant contact with people.

Now, I'm looking to invest in friendships a bit more, fast approaching fifty and wondering if I'm going to make any new ones. I do have a hobby which I enjoy and hope to meet a few more people through this. Also plan to join a walking group - hoping it will mean a bit of a natter. Third thing I plan to do is voluntary work. I guess I just need to put myself in social situations and see what happens. I feel alone a lot of the time.

One of my (very few) friends has lots of other friends and I do get the feeling I am one of many, if that makes sense. But then again, she has invested her time in getting to know people whereas I haven't because I've been wrapped up with work and family.

Wishing you lots of luck with your job hunting op.

I don't speak to anyone beyond being polite. No one is truly a friend. I am now a introvert but I'm happy I love my own company. Now I'm older I don't need people and I'm even more inclined to be on my own after covid it's brought out all the snakes. Being alone means no drama and it's heaven.

Their work colleagues not friends, that’s your mistake .

Can't speak for everyone but I've found that virtual communication only works with people I already have decent established relationships with. It must suck when you've got acquaintances that could have become friends only for it to all disappear because we've been separated from people.

Don't know how much sense I'm making

@SnuggyBuggy

Can't speak for everyone but I've found that virtual communication only works with people I already have decent established relationships with. It must suck when you've got acquaintances that could have become friends only for it to all disappear because we've been separated from people.

Don't know how much sense I'm making

Makes perfect sense

Virtual comms is not conducive to forming a relationship, except maybe a professional one.

Been thinking a lot on the different perspectives on this thread and its been really useful.
I been reflecting on how I was/am as a friend to see if that offers any insight. Initially it was painful to reflect on particularly with people I have deliberately cut out over the last 2 years.
I feel I was a decent friend, and when I started feeling used and disrespected did challenge a couple of them. Once they realised I was not going to allow myself to be poorly treated basically turned on me. I can see now that had they really cared about the friendship they would have tried to salvage it correct their behaviour. They didnt so I realised they only bothered about what I could give them/ do for them. It made it easier to detach but still very wary of attracting these types.
That said I been quite low in general this year for lots of reasons and not so good at staying in contact as I could be. So I now contact the few friends I am bothered about and telling them thinking of them etc but focusing on x or y at moment. They seem to appreciate this.
I do have better boundaries now and I think that improves all relationships so I dony fall into past behaviours. To be fair as we get older we have a fair bit of experience in getting hurt etc by others maybe this makes us more wary? I am at the point I would rather have aquantiances with little expected both sides than the stress of keeping a really high maintenance friendship going. I would have liked this but it all seems so much work. OP you have a really positive attitude I am sure you will attract lovely people into your life if you keep that positivity.

Acorn - thanks for the positivity.

Chameleon - thanks for the suggestion and yes, very fair point. Many are bored and generally unable to go places as normal so less to talk about. I've realised that and people are consumed by their own issues. It's makes us more and more isolated.

Sparkling - thanks and that's so sad after all those years. Yes to no drama or conflict. There's no need for that and agree with what's been said upthread about not wanting to flog a dead horse. There's only so much you could have done. At least you tried.

Daphne - thanks a lot. That's very positive you're looking to join groups and meet like minded genuine people now your circumstances have changed. They'd be fortunate to have you as a friend. It's true, when you work and are bringing up a family you have ready made interaction all day.

Orkneys - glad you're happy and don't blame you. You know where you stand.

Fcuk - True, in fact I've been naive to think I had friends at all.

Snuggy - complete sense. It is sad when they might have become good friends otherwise.

Minty - it really has. Those people weren't your friends, didn't care and you were right to distance yourself. Friendship has to be both ways. Yes, there's definitely a trust factor when meeting people now as it's hard to tell if they're genuine or not. It can feel like too much effort finding out as well. It's only fair to be aware of your boundaries and wellbeing and to become more disconcerning.

Sorry you've been low but you have been keeping in touch with true friends. Real friends understand, you show them you care and the contact alone's enough. You don't need anybody creating issues when you have your own. Thanks a lot for continuing to comment and for the very kind comment.

No more jobs to apply for yet but had some errands to run and studying to keep busy. Hope you're all keeping well.

Dont become a hermit op, just lower your expectations a bit.

Greydove - thanks for the wise words. You're right, won't expect anything in future.

Still haven't heard anything another week on and am not messaging them either. Don't mean to sound childish, unkind or selfish but I've done all I can and am tired of beating my head against a wall feeling like a nuisance. Will apply for more jobs and finish assignments instead. Hope the weekend's good to you all.

I occasionally worry about what would happen to me if DH were to die. I only have work friends otherwise and don't see them outside work. And am wary of investing too much as I'm well aware work friendships are largely situational. The common enemy, the common challenges etc. I dont think any of them are actually interested in the same things as me anyway.

I've made lots of effort with old friends but they have little interest and I don't even mind. 20 years ago it would devastate me to be ghosted by a close friend but now I dont take it personally. People have crazy busy lives and I was just one of the balls they dropped. Or probably more accurately, I was downgraded from "friend" to "acquaintance" even if it was subconscious and they barely thought about it at all.

And as a result I've done the same, and now have a ton of acquaintances, but no close friends outside work and I rely on DH hugely for company.

Anyone else loathe talking on the phone too? So there is no way on this earth I would actually pick up the phone and talk to someone. The Horror! In olden times pre-Covid, I'd text. But they'd never initiate any text exchanges. And you get tired of doing so.

When all this is over though, I am going to join a club or two. A choir group maybe, where there's no pressure to chat much but you get to know a lot of local faces.

Sometimes I envy my aunties generation who were obsessive Bridge Club people! 20 years playing with the same club! They knew everyone and it was a community of sorts.

Just dont cut people off completely cos people are busy and I am sure its not personal. Perhaps just send some joke whatsapps and say a quick hi. Is there anyone you are particularly close to at all?

Have a nice weekend OP.

OP I think the key to making friends as you get older is, you socialise with people whose sole purpose is to make friends, groups that are encouraging friendship, then you know you aren't 'needy/intrusive etc.

We worry about appearing sad, and a bit odd because we want to be friends, untrue, we are doing what we did as children, but with 'baggage' now.

Try Meetup, go to as many groups as possible, doesn't matter, just see if you click with anyone.

As we get older, we are more choosy without even realising it.

When you're young, friendships are generally organic, when you're older they are forced/contrived, but there's still the possibility of meeting 'the one' (or more)

Good luck OP, I know how hard it is as I have been there, and probably still there a bit.

Elspeth - Yes it's so hard. We don't have a ready made community anymore like previous generations. Wonder if you have anxiety about using the 'phone or feel you'd be disturbing anybody? Good on you being so positive and looking for a club. Hope you make lots of friends.

Greydove - thanks very much and you too. Agree it's not personal and there's been no issues. No, nobody now. Hope you have close people.

Itsallpointless - thank you and good point to join places where you at least know people are looking for the same. Very true. Looking for an online bookclub as the whole country's in strict lockdown until things ease. You never know! Sorry you're going through that.

I think the key to phone contact is you have to get the frequency right. Too often and you don't have enough to talk about and the awkward silences start. The one thing I like with zoom is the 40 minute limit, a natural cut off.

Snuggy - yes, it's hard to know what's too short or long. Didn't know that about Zoom, that time is fair.

I’ve just heard - not from her - that one of my ex friends has moved. It hit me like a truck. It sounds stupid but we were once so close, she said her next home would need a room for me so I could babysit and cat sit.

That’s horrible @AcornAutumn, I’m really sorry 💐

Thank you Tigger

Acorn - I'm so sorry. That's very painful that you couldn't at least have heard it from her. It just goes to show what people are like, consumed with their own lives and out of sight out of mind. People forget their cirumstances can change and they might need you one day. It seems easier and wiser not to bother anymore, get involved and to put yourself first more and more.

OP thank you for that

The stupid thing is, when we met, she told she didn’t really have any friends. Over time I realised she’d found a reason to fall out or drop each one.

Then her long term therapist said “I can’t help you any more”. Yes, I’m an idiot aren’t I, it’s not a loss!

I met a woman at work many years ago when I was a lot younger. I had children way before she did, she gave them cards/gifts and I returned te compliment when she had kids. I haven't seen much of her over the years, down to a relationship of mine, and work/life, however, we would have the occasional meet up/ phone call, all the while I would remember the kids birthdays.

Last year her DD called to say thank you for her card/money (18) and proceeded to tell me she'd had a big party. My heart sank, I hadn't even been thought of to invite to a child's party I'd been giving to the last 18 years.

We have had a text earlier in the year, but I won't be staying in touch any longer. I will continue the cards/gifts until her DS is 18 (as we said we'd cut it off then) and that will be it I'm afraid.

Itsallpointless “ Last year her DD called to say thank you for her card/money (18) and proceeded to tell me she'd had a big party. My heart sank, I hadn't even been thought of to invite to a child's party I'd been giving to the last 18 years”

Was it a teen party though? Or were there limits for lockdown numbers maybe?

@AcornAutumn it was last August, Pre Covid. No, it wasn't just a teens party, she specifically said when I asked her what did she do for her birthday (as you would) "I had a big party with family friends" in a hall.

It was at that moment I realised that I wasn't a 'family friend' and I've acted accordingly since.

Bless her, it was a totally innocent remark, and I bear no malice toward my friend, in fact, I am partly responsible for the demise of the relationship, as I haven't bothered either.

Sad still though