Had enough of making all the effort and am going to become a hermit

[stayanotherday]

Hi

I'm a single woman (47) with no family.

I've been in the same job for 17 years, soon to be made redundant. Worked on a very friendly team for years. Worked hard but we all got on and had a laugh. Have also built up what I thought was a circle of good friends over the last 2 - 10 years by joining groups and doing voluntary work because it's wrong to feel lonely and not make efforts. No issues with neighbours but they keep to themselves.

Since lockdown we've been wfh. The office is closing anyway. I've messaged everybody about every 10 - 14 days just to say Hi and check in. I've asked now and then if they'd like to meet up for a (socially distanced!) coffee and if they were free for a chat on the phone which was declined.

I get people have their own lives and I've tried to balance caring enough without constantly demanding or bothering them. I also get it's a hard situation for all of us and everybody's struggling. There's been no arguments or unkindness but they just haven't bothered in return. Thought we were close but am shocked to realise that's not true and the friendship ends at the door.

I left it to see if anybody would get in touch since about a fortnight ago. They haven't. I've decided not to get in touch again. I don't want to be a needy nuisance and can't do anymore. It's not as if I've got nothing else to do as I've been applying for jobs, working, studying, shopping and doing housework.

I'm in a lockdown area so am limited for now but to be honest I've had enough of trying to make friends, ending up making all the effort and can't do it anymore. I hate being completely isolated and that it's come to this but I've been let down too many times in the past and I'm not being a mug anymore. It's knocked the sauce out of me.

The next few months will be interesting. I can work anywhere in the UK and might have to move to follow the work. If that happens I won't look back or bother with people anymore. It will be so hard but at least I'll know where I stand. Society didn't want me and now I don't want its pain anymore. No wonder we're such a lonely society. I don't know why I posted really, just wanted to put it somewhere.

Sorry for the essay and thanks for reading.

User8888 “ They want people who will keep the technology secret and I don't have anyone to f**ing tell!!”

This is really unfair.

I’m sure you’ve thought of lots of options but I just wondered...any DC parents who can vouch for you? PTA volunteers?

I wouldn’t hesitate to contact people who knew you years ago. The worst they can do is say no.

Does non professional mean people who haven’t worked with you?

Do you happen to know the vicar in current or past areas, that’s one.

Some people are good at this....for instance, with freelance work, i was applying for another contract job with details of sickness etc required.

The referee wrote “I have had no issues with Acorn being off sick”.

She said to me “that’s the truth. I don’t have an issue with you being off sick when you need to be.”

Well, I put one of my DCs friends parents down (although he isn't actually getting along with this boy anymore -- they had a fight, so not sure how that would go over). My kids are teens now, I don't know other parents and past parents I did know I don't have their numbers anymore.

The volunteering things I have done were a couple/few years ago and those people didn't know me 5 years and I don't know I could ask them to lie, especially since I haven't seen them since a year or so at lest pre-covid.

And.....I actually got really bitter earlier this year and deleted the contact info of anyone I hadn't heard from for a long time. I figured if they contacted me I would have the info back. Well...

I know, I know, people like me shouldn't exist right?

I am one of those people, I have moved a lot, divorced so lost those couple friends, don't do social media. It's like I don't exist.

I think, depending on how the questions are phrased, 5 years can be got around.

Also, have you considered telling the recruiter directly that moving around makes this unrealistic but shouldn’t rule you out?

I’ve lived in and around London my whole life so that’s the only reason I’m not in your shoes. In fact, just the other day I had a chat with a fellow contractor via email, and I’d do the 5 years thing for her and vice versa. Our association does go back five years. It might be a hello text once a year, but it goes back five years!

Hi User, yes it is and thanks!

Good point about bread crumbing, didn't think of that. I've heard it applied to dating but not friendship. It's an odd thing to do. Why do it if they're not interested. It's using people really, keeping them there in case they need you for company or favours.

It's right you do, I don't know how to be close to people anymore. Even though it's very lonely you get used to your own company. I don't want to be unfair as you won't make friends with a negative attitude but I'm going to be more wary in future and not get too involved. Sorry you've had the same.

That's ridiculous. Like you said about your son, you could get anybody to give you references. They should be contacting your last employer. Things like this make you realise your situation. Could you put them and former colleagues or your GP as references? Well done for applying.

Oh and thanks for replying Acorn

Breadcrumbs- I don’t know, I haven’t come across it.

Maybe they’re just bored.

User - odd they've said non professional people when surely your previous employer would be the best placed. What about your dentist or optician? Maybe join Linkedin to find old contacts. Good suggestions from Acorn.

I’ve been asked for personal references but they took the volunteer work organiser. I think it was also someone who’d known you for two years.

I think social media has accelerated massively not just in the last ten years but in the last two. It might be reasons like this, as well photographing dinners! Even mum has asked me “will you be okay not having social media”.

That was a good person to ask.

It has because it's addictive. People think I'm odd not to be on WhatsApp. I just don't want all these different things and they cause more trouble than it's worth.

stay I haven't worked in a long time so places where I did work people are gone, etc. I was hoping volunteering would help with references and to hopefully meet some new people but with the covid year it all seems like ages ago. One lady I asked to be a reference a couple years ago is no longer there.

I did put down my GP and they said no...

And even if covid didn't happen and I had joined the Mason type group I started going to this February they wouldn't qualify for the 5 years....

I think I will need to start my own business...

@stayanotherday

That was a good person to ask.

It has because it's addictive. People think I'm odd not to be on WhatsApp. I just don't want all these different things and they cause more trouble than it's worth.

I’ve seen the cousins WhatsApp and it’s like having a stream of consciousness dumped into your phone.

One cousin muted it and didn’t find out the other cousin’s house had flooded so didn’t offer help. The flooded cousin was pissed off.

I just think it’s easier to say “call or text if you need me”.

Oh well....thanks for listening to my venting. Here's the pretend glasses of wine I would buy you all if I could!!

Acorn that's pretty amusing. Did they understand the other one hadn't seen the post?

Hi all,
I'm very late to the party and feel a bit of a fraud as I do actually have some lovely friends who have really gone out of their way to look after me over the past few weeks when I have been in the most need.
My 20 year old son took his own life just two months ago. It was completely out the blue and as you can imagine it has completely shattered my world.
The reason I wanted to come on here was to say that I have had my faith in human nature renewed by new and old friends and acquaintances coming out of the woodwork to wish me well. Some have said "Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help..." to the other extreme of dropping off home cooked meals every week.
I decided early on that I needed to embrace this renewal of friendship and they have become like therapists for me. I do make sure it's not all about me though and always ask about their lives, families, etc (or at least I do now, not in the early weeks when just reading texts was as much as I could manage.)
Anyway, I don't want to derail your thread, but I guess I just wanted to say don't give up, people out there do care. It sounds like you have all bonded with each other too, so I wish you all the best and fingers crossed for a much more positive 2021...

So sorry about your son.

@user8888

Acorn that's pretty amusing. Did they understand the other one hadn't seen the post?

No, the flooded cousin just assumed the cousin living nearby had seen the post and didn’t care. It took a couple of days before flooded cousin actually phoned the other one and said “I can’t believe you haven’t even asked how we are”. To which the WhatsApp ignoring cousin said “oh dear, has something happened?”

He came off WhatsApp after that. It’s bonkers to assume everyone sees everything.

My block of flats is massive and I gather the WhatsApp for it is just full of crap.

Sausage I am so so sorry for your loss.

Right, I have to print a bunch of work stuff on my home printer.

If you never hear from again, I didn’t lose interest in the thread - the printer broke me.

It’s got to happen one day.

I survived

So did the printer

So sorry about being off here. I've been inundated studying and it's also knocked my confidence. Hope you're all okay.

Acorn - completely agree about Whats App. It must be endless, causes so many problems, people just watching each other instead of living life and things get missed, important things too. You're right, it's quicker and easier to text or phone. Glad you both survived, printers have a mind of their own! Thanks a lot for keeping the thread going.

User - That is a shame and very awkward. Well done for trying and for thinking of becoming self-employed. My understanding is it's hard work and lots of responsibility but if you do something where there's going to be a steady stream of business good luck to you. Have a wine on me, in fact you can all have one. It is the weekend! Thanks very much.

Sausage - welcome and so sorry about your son. Puts it all into perspective. Hope you're being kind to yourself and you're not a fraud and haven't derailed the thread. Glad you have good people in your life and they've stepped up.

It's a credit to you that you have such people around you for comfort and practical help. You're wise to accept it and to lean on them. It's amazing despite it all you're managing to reply to them and take an interest in their lives. It's understandable if you can't though. This is a completely different situation to just not being interested in others.

Please feel free to use this as an open thread. We're a nice group on here and you're welcome to join. Thanks so much for your kindness which is astonishing with all you're going through and yes, let's hope next year looks better for us all.

OP, sorry to hear studying got you down.

Is it maybe that thing when you battle for days and then suddenly have a moment when it all clicks?

As I’ve been living in the UK for 10 years, I often tend to make comparisons with my country. I have noticed that there is no such w thing as a real friendship here and most of the relationships are pretty platonic includes marriages. At first, I was shocked that you can be best friends, talk about everything etc. and as soon as one of you leave the workplace you never speak again. Now, I really used to it, I will talk to people but i don’t get attached anymore. If there are there- great if not
I’m also fine, don’t really bother. Being colleagues means that our friendship start and finish at the workplace and I’m happy to accept that.

Hope you put the printer in it's place Acorn. Have you done a Basil Fawlty and given it a good bashing? Hope you're having a great weekend.

I didn't do well in the first assignment. Only just passed after getting great marks. This assignment doesn't count but I'm worried about the others. I appreciate the work gets harder but it's gone up several levels. Just submitted another so we'll see. Thanks for being so kind.

Belle - understandable to make comparisons and fair points. I didn't think of it like that, interesting and I agree because I have noticed over the years we live in a more transient society where people move around more and cut off their old lives. It is shocking especially when you've known and thought you were good friends with people for years. Many see others around them as situational and convenient at the time. I've learnt some only bother with those who help them in some way and see you as an opportunity. You get discarded when they don't need you anymore. and yes, that's true of marriages and families as well as friends, colleagues and neighbours.

Don't blame you as I'm going the same way. I don't want to but it's easier isn't it to expect nothing and not feel let down or disappointed. Trouble is, people only realise when something goes wrong they have nobody close to them and that's how we've ended up a lonely country. That and living in a complex, fragmented, competitive and capitalist society.

stay have you got time to review it well? Maybe it’s just a case of getting into it and figuring out what’s needed.

The printer thing is more like this
Swear words alert

Highly recommend the film if you’ve not seen it