Had enough of making all the effort and am going to become a hermit

[stayanotherday]

Hi

I'm a single woman (47) with no family.

I've been in the same job for 17 years, soon to be made redundant. Worked on a very friendly team for years. Worked hard but we all got on and had a laugh. Have also built up what I thought was a circle of good friends over the last 2 - 10 years by joining groups and doing voluntary work because it's wrong to feel lonely and not make efforts. No issues with neighbours but they keep to themselves.

Since lockdown we've been wfh. The office is closing anyway. I've messaged everybody about every 10 - 14 days just to say Hi and check in. I've asked now and then if they'd like to meet up for a (socially distanced!) coffee and if they were free for a chat on the phone which was declined.

I get people have their own lives and I've tried to balance caring enough without constantly demanding or bothering them. I also get it's a hard situation for all of us and everybody's struggling. There's been no arguments or unkindness but they just haven't bothered in return. Thought we were close but am shocked to realise that's not true and the friendship ends at the door.

I left it to see if anybody would get in touch since about a fortnight ago. They haven't. I've decided not to get in touch again. I don't want to be a needy nuisance and can't do anymore. It's not as if I've got nothing else to do as I've been applying for jobs, working, studying, shopping and doing housework.

I'm in a lockdown area so am limited for now but to be honest I've had enough of trying to make friends, ending up making all the effort and can't do it anymore. I hate being completely isolated and that it's come to this but I've been let down too many times in the past and I'm not being a mug anymore. It's knocked the sauce out of me.

The next few months will be interesting. I can work anywhere in the UK and might have to move to follow the work. If that happens I won't look back or bother with people anymore. It will be so hard but at least I'll know where I stand. Society didn't want me and now I don't want its pain anymore. No wonder we're such a lonely society. I don't know why I posted really, just wanted to put it somewhere.

Sorry for the essay and thanks for reading.

Acorn - great aren't they? Yes, fun and interesting to hear all about the vast history of London and to think of all that's happened there. I love that too. The guides are brilliant! Which have you done? I've done Jack the Ripper, the ghost walk, underground tour, Dickens walk, Royal, Jewish and the Victorian walk.

The boat tour from Westminster to the Thames barrier's good. I got off in Greenwich on the way back for the afternoon. That's a great place in itself!

True, it's a shame and it's becoming too clinical, touristy and gentrified. It's still interesting but has lost most of it's quirkiness, such as Covent Garden and Camden. I liked the Food for Thought cafe.

That's funny because houses in London have so much history in them! I didn't know that bout found this article www.thirdsector.co.uk/regulator-finds-serious-mismanagement-spiritualist-association-great-britain/governance/article/1429100

Not at all, please do and feel free to talk about whatever you like. It's nice to talk about different things and keep this thread going. Thanks for doing so!

Unlikely - whatever your reasons for removing your post please feel free to say whatever you like on here :)

OP, it very obvious from the way you respond to people that you're a very friendly person.
If you're anywhere near Cambridge, I'd be very happy to meet up.

Turkey - thanks very much and could say the same about you! I'm in South Wales but do travel, pre lockdown of course! That's very kind, always open to offers.

If this thread is more about the pandemic revealing the weaknesses of current friendships I'm in the wrong place as this is well established for me but it's good to know I'm not alone with these feelings and I think you've been a kind, thoughtful host on this thread, OP.

Unlikely - thanks a lot for your lovely comments and please use this thread as an open one to talk about whatever you want. It started on that theme and others have sadly experienced similar, but do feel free to share your experiences past and present if you'd like. If you want to talk about other things then that's fine too. All comments are welcome!

It's very interesting how people have reacted during this pandemic.

Some of the people who liked to call others snowflakes and have had no empathy for those with anxiety, depression of any sort of personal issues having turned out to be those who have coped less well.

I have one 'friend' who was very much a 'pull yourself together' sort who has caused me to rethink things. She has always been very set in her ways - won't use WhatsApp for ease of organising group get -togethers, won't do zoom calls, is disparaging about a mutual friend's anxiety, will only walk on walks she deems interesting, doesn't like texting. I think of all the times it was really quite inconvenient for me to meet up for coffee (which she does enjoy) and will be putting myself first next time and am realising I am way too accommodating.

I think an awful lot of people have had time to rethink their lives and relationships.

to you OP.

Oh, I didn't RTFT - I see it's moved on - sorry!!

I don’t really understand the fondness for WhatsApp, group text is easy. I don’t socialise in groups though, I find individual friends are easier. Plus I feel a bit overwhelmed in groups.

Re the London Walks, I’ve been on Little Venice, Maida Vale, Hampstead, Highgate, Shakespeare and Dickens.

I somehow never got to the ghost ones but I love ghost stories, I’ve got a fantastic old DVD called Haunted London, cheesy but brilliant! Also Peter Ackroyd’s The English Ghost.

I particularly love it when London cabbies share their ghost stories!

Today I’ve had contact from a couple of people I thought had disappeared but they didn’t say much. They were both people who were enjoying lockdown but perhaps the shine has come off now.

Dates in diary for meal out with friend this week and then a visit to a gallery the week after. I told mum and she completely understood why I need to go out in spite of the T&T net and my sister can cover care if needed. Also, they both seem to think it’s 10 days isolation if you get named as a contact, I thought it was still 14.

Gifgaf - no, not at all or any need to be sorry! Please talk about anything you want.

It is very interesting to see how people have fared. Everybody seems to have been affected, even the robust types and many are having to deal with things and feelings they didn't expect. Restrictions have heightened those who were lonely and/or had certain issues but it's something they're used to.

It is a wake up call when you have time to reflect. You did it because you valued this lady and her friendship but looking at it now it seems one sided and you're right to review that. As sad as it is, it's also done us a favour to know where we stand.

Thanks a lot and flowers to you too.

Acorn - I'm also better with individuals because you concentrate more on the person and those of us who are quieter get drowned out in groups.

How interesting. You learn so much don't you? It's something different to do. The ghost walk is fun to take the frightening part out of it. The Secret London and books about London walks are good too. You find things you wouldn't have known about. Ah yes, London cabbies are brilliant, they know everything!

You're right and people can't get out much like they could in the summer.

How nice for you! It'll be a change and different company. You're right, I've checked and it's 14 days.

One of my favourite anecdotes is that the most frequently sighted ghost at the Tower of London is Lady Jane Grey.

I’ve no idea how official ghost sightings are recorded

There's loads of ghosts there. I find the two princes story fascinating. No I don't either!

The ghost walks in other cities are great too. The one in York isn't frightening but spooky. Shiverpool is really entertaining and everybody gets to join in!

@stayanotherday

The ghost walks in other cities are great too. The one in York isn't frightening but spooky. Shiverpool is really entertaining and everybody gets to join in!

Yes, my sister has done loads.

I’m a bit unsure about ghost walks because I love ghost stories so much and some of the walks look so cheesy. I didn’t go in Edinburgh or Chichester because I just thought, better spend the money on a book.

The London, York and Liverpool ghost walks have just the right mix of entertainment and interest. The Viking walk in York's good too.

Haven't been to those but books? Now we're talking!

@stayanotherday. Thank you. you sound far too nice to be a hermit

I really am finding it very hard

I have to initiate every contact ..I am home alone ..was working till the end of September and now looking for a job

One 'friend' who lives nearby and I asked if I can visit on Christmas day for a drink or mince pie for an hour or 2 to break up the day and who is also alone gave a half hearted reply and I havent heard from since
Four people I know that I have been ina quiz team with for 10 years I contacted to see if they wanted to meet before christmas...no reply

its not the effort of making the first move...I dont mind that
its the feeling of rejection when you get no reply that compounds the problem of isolation

I am not like this ...I always reply to people even if I dont like them much ..I will say something.
I have come to the conclusion many people are very self centered
How hard would it be to say in a text .."Thanks for the offer but I am snowed under at present ..I will get back to you when I have more time" After all these are people i have known for years and are supposed to be friends

I also believe so many people talk shit about being caring but not when it really counts ...they are happy to paint their face for Children in Need but walk past a neighbour in need

It has opened my eyes.I am going to change my life in 2021 ...
At the moment I go to bed every night and couldnt careless if I awake in the morning and the only people can share this with are a bunch of strangers on Mumsnet

I am not bitter or angry just so sad

Thank you Gifgif for being so lovely and please don't hesitate to use this as an open thread for anything.

Deirdre welcome

I completely understand

I don’t really do social media apart from MN but i agree people will publicly do stuff and then in private, they don’t care about anyone but themselves.

Hello - exactly. You've hit the nail on the head and I'm sorry you've been so let down. I'm just glad you found this thread and commented. Please vent and share away. I could have written this myself and feel the same because there's no need for it, just for the sake of the odd text. It's very hurtful, surprising and a real wake up call to realise friendships weren't what you thought they were isn't it?

Yes, you completely understand boundaries and they have their own lives but to expect an occasional text from friends you've had for years isn't unreasonable. It's wanting to reach out but feeling foolish and like a nuisance. Thing is, even though it's not what you want you're less and less likely to do so in future.

You're not alone on here and yes it is a chance for a fresh start. You could do anything and go anywhere. At least when you do walk away and do that you can remember you did everything you could, even if it seems like a hollow victory now.

Acorn - I don't do social media either. It's been hard enough with no company and people not returning my efforts, but if I saw them being friendly with others that would make things much worse. I can do without that.

@stayanotherday

Acorn - I don't do social media either. It's been hard enough with no company and people not returning my efforts, but if I saw them being friendly with others that would make things much worse. I can do without that.

Oh I hadn’t thought of that.

I must admit, it’s more I don’t feel the need to see pictures of someone’s dinner etc.

That's fair enough. I agree not needing to know every little detail as well. Social media gives a false image of peoples lives. It's very damaging. I wouldn't want to be on it as well because I have to be careful with work. If somebody tagged me to something inappropriate I wouldn't want to be associated with it and get into trouble.

Hello again -- nice to see this thread is still alive!!

Acorn I wonder if your 'friend' is bread crumbing? I have had that with 'friends' in the past, where they text you a couple times a year saying 'how are you' but you cannot get them to meet up! I gave up on them and stopped contact.

I think it's great you live in London (I think?) and have got all those spooky places to investigate.

Stayanotherday You said a few pages ago, "Thing is after eight months I've spent all this time on my own. It's been very lonely and a difficult wake up call but I've got used to it. I've lost interest in them in return now and people generally atm. " That really struck me. I have teens but they have their own lives. I have also spent the last 8 mo on my own and feel the same.

And so this happened to me today....

I have been trying to get a job any job and finally it seemed to have lucked out and found something near where I live in an actual company. It was for minimum wage but at this point I am desperate.

Except this happened.

Because it was for building military equipment they needed all the security checks, etc, which is fine. I have nothing bad in my history and excellent credit, etc. Except.... except....they wanted to phone at least 3 non family, non professional people who know me personally for at least 5 years and can vouch I am an honest person.

Except I have moved several times and the area I am in now I had only ever made acquaintances...and none of them have known me 5 years, and frankly it would be really embarrassing to call up people I have not spoken to in 7-8 years and ask them to vouch for me. It would be embarrassing to ask my neighbours who hide in their houses to vouch for me -- I don't even know them.

So I asked the recruiter could I use my GP for example. She said no.
So I can't go for this job.
Unbelievable I cannot get a lousy NMW job because I don't have a social circle.
I did tell the recruiter it was pretty ironic because I would be perfect for the job. They want people who will keep the technology secret and I don't have anyone to f**ing tell!!

How sad is all this!!

The even stupider part is my teen is looking for job, he could get three of his useless friends to vouch for him but he is too lazy to apply.

And I am trying to breathe....