Had enough of making all the effort and am going to become a hermit

[stayanotherday]

Hi

I'm a single woman (47) with no family.

I've been in the same job for 17 years, soon to be made redundant. Worked on a very friendly team for years. Worked hard but we all got on and had a laugh. Have also built up what I thought was a circle of good friends over the last 2 - 10 years by joining groups and doing voluntary work because it's wrong to feel lonely and not make efforts. No issues with neighbours but they keep to themselves.

Since lockdown we've been wfh. The office is closing anyway. I've messaged everybody about every 10 - 14 days just to say Hi and check in. I've asked now and then if they'd like to meet up for a (socially distanced!) coffee and if they were free for a chat on the phone which was declined.

I get people have their own lives and I've tried to balance caring enough without constantly demanding or bothering them. I also get it's a hard situation for all of us and everybody's struggling. There's been no arguments or unkindness but they just haven't bothered in return. Thought we were close but am shocked to realise that's not true and the friendship ends at the door.

I left it to see if anybody would get in touch since about a fortnight ago. They haven't. I've decided not to get in touch again. I don't want to be a needy nuisance and can't do anymore. It's not as if I've got nothing else to do as I've been applying for jobs, working, studying, shopping and doing housework.

I'm in a lockdown area so am limited for now but to be honest I've had enough of trying to make friends, ending up making all the effort and can't do it anymore. I hate being completely isolated and that it's come to this but I've been let down too many times in the past and I'm not being a mug anymore. It's knocked the sauce out of me.

The next few months will be interesting. I can work anywhere in the UK and might have to move to follow the work. If that happens I won't look back or bother with people anymore. It will be so hard but at least I'll know where I stand. Society didn't want me and now I don't want its pain anymore. No wonder we're such a lonely society. I don't know why I posted really, just wanted to put it somewhere.

Sorry for the essay and thanks for reading.

Stay oh I didn’t think you were being harsh

I just wanted to be clear that I really liked her, it wasn’t a “I need company” thing though that did happen to me in my early 30s and I hung out with some odd people!

Thanks Acorn. Yes, you genuinely did and were there for her all the way around. I did that as a twentysomething, it didn't end well!

Been reading but not posting as been feeling quite down about the lack of intimacy in my life. I was interested in the comments about joining things that interest you as I feel it’s hard to know what my real interests are as I’ve always had a tendency to fit in with others.

I sometimes think it’s a numbers game? If you cultivate enough acquaintances, then in all probability one or two may turn out to be friends? But it can be hard work though.

Onthe brink - then a good time to think about what you could do! What energises you? Writing, drawing, sports, reading or crafts?

www.notsoboringlife.com/list-of-hobbies/

Coffee - it is! From now on I'm going to do things that interest me. At the very least you'll learn what's not for you.

Thanks Stay for the list. I watched Julia Bradbury walking in Iceland yesterday and would love to get fit enough to go something like that so maybe a walking group when lockdown is over.

@Onthebrink67

Thanks Stay for the list. I watched Julia Bradbury walking in Iceland yesterday and would love to get fit enough to go something like that so maybe a walking group when lockdown is over.

Which channel is this please?

I’d love to do walking tours but tbh the chatting to strangers bit puts me off.

When it’s feasible, what I might do is try sone walking trails with my sister - who is a silent companion, lol.

Apparently the really scenic ones, the issue is no loos, obviously.

It was on bbc4 but I saw it on iplayer. Far beyond my capabilities but stunning scenery. I would love to go one of the uk trails next year but a bit nervous of walking far alone in case of accident

Thanks

I’d be the same, if rather do the trails alone but safer to go with someone.

For the hermits on this thread who like walking: silent group walks is a thing. There may be groups in your area?

Ooh yes, I watched that last week with interest as I've been there on my own and it was a brilliant programme! It's well worth doing. It's a very different and strange landscape but that's what makes it. Many go on their own. It's a very small and safe country, safer than Britain. Hope you both go.

Thanks for that great suggestion Midnight. I Googled it but there aren't any. There might be a walking group when things change though. That would be a nice thing to do when winter's over!

I understand. I think it's a nasty, hurts you deep in your soul, realisation. I often think colleagues aren't the best place to start. The one lady I work with, probably wouldn't continue with me, if we closed, I suspect.
I have 6 other friends who I have met in various ways, who probably give as much as I put in.

It is a very tricky thing. Meeting someone who wants the same level of friendship as you, is actually very very hard.

Oblomov - you've got it. It comes as a nasty, very painful shock. You're right. Shame but so glad you have friends who make mutual efforts and play fair. No reasonable person keeps tabs but it creeps up and becomes obvious over time. Then when you realise you get fed up yourself and withdraw.

It really is and finding like minded people.

@SomeoneTellBorisHeHasDandruff

I’m sorry to hear this OP. My advice would be not to give up on trying to make new friends. Could it be possible that you just haven’t found your people yet? The friends who are real keepers and make just as much effort as you to keep in touch. Covid has caused many people to concentrate on themselves and their own family unit which is understandable. But you won’t be alone in feeling isolated and I really hope you don’t feel being a hermit is your only option going forward. I know it is difficult with the restrictions but do you have any hobbies or groups you could explore locally? Something new in your life which you can enjoy but could also open up the opportunity to make new friends? How about volunteering?

I echo the advice above of this poster.

I'm actually surprised OP that your main friends appear to be from work. I actually don't know anyone where that is the case (unless it's work where it's a vocation). I have a bunch of close friends who I know from church and volunteering but I've never counted people at work as true friends (even where they're friendly and we get on well) because ultimately most people (including myself) have 'work' lives and 'personal' lives. I wouldn't trust work colleagues with all my personal life as I would with a friend because of the risk of it being shared with others at work and potentially impacting my job and/or promotion opportunities.

The close friends I have forged are from deeper connections so perhaps this is what you're missing? Also, are you an extrovert? My observations of extroverts is that they tend to make 'friends' easily as they are easy and funny to be around and socialise with, but these connections are often lacking in true substance.

Rybvita - just under 40% of my friends or people I thought of of as friends are colleagues or retired colleages, 50% are from a voluntary work group, one is an online friend and one is a childhood friend living in another part of the country.

I understand your points. Most people now keep both lives separate but we were such a friendly team and some of us kept in touch outside of work. I don't tell anybody very personal things. We just talked about what we did on the weekend, planned holidays and what we'd been up to. Friendly chit chat. Nothing that could hinder anything or been thrown back at me.

No, very quiet and introverted. Yes, I'm looking at other options to forge connections. It's limited at the moment for obvious reasons but hoping to join other things in future. Thanks for making fair points.

How’s everyone?

I’m struggling with boredom and loneliness

I wasn’t going to go to restaurants because of T&T but my best friend is desperate to see somewhere that’s not her flat or my flat, and I’m getting that way too.

I think we’ve all got different definitions of friends and acquaintances. OP the way you describe your work colleagues, for me, is acquaintance level. I have online friends that’s I’ve met a few times in real life but don’t think of them as friends, just acquaintances.

Then you've come to the right place! Winter doesn't help either. At least we had a lovely summer and spend more time outdoors.

Understand the cabin fever. Could you go for a socially distanced walk or do food shopping together for company being as you'd have to shop anyway?

Yes we have. Some aquaintances never become more than that. I just thought it was more than that in my case because we'd known each other and got on for so many years. Just as well there's so many other things to do, it's just having the energy and the time!

I think we’re going to have to go out, much as I fear T&T. She doesn’t live near, I hate shopping and I need to look at something else.

I probably should have gone out more in summer but mum had many health issues so being caught in the T&T net was a real worry. It still is but I’m talking to my sister about alternative care.

You've done and are doing the best you can in difficult circumstances. You did the right thing protecting your mum. Sorry to hear that. It's great you're trying to move forward looking for care for her.

Is there anywhere quiet and nice you meet and go could go walking instead like a park or a National Trust's grounds? That way it accomodates you both with you avoiding T&T.

Oh sorry, I wasn’t clear

I meant my sister could step in if I got caught in the net

She’s got even less work than I have!

I don’t do well in cold weather, the cold air kicks my asthma off immediately so I think a restaurant on Monday is likely, as it’s usually the least busy night so hopefully minimal chances of being caught in the net.

It’s the worst time of year for me. After the shortest day has gone, it seems like there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

I always dread a cold winter and luckily we’ve not had it in London for ages, I fear this year will be one. The old folklore says if the holly berries are blooming well, then it will be cold. I’ve never seen so many holly berries 😱

How’s everyone else doing?

Thanks for explaining. It's good you could share this if needs be and if you needed a break. Yes, we are in strange times!

That's difficult for you as you don't want to take a risk but don't want to get ill either. It should be quiet on Monday and if you go out early. At least there's plenty of choice in London!

I love it there. You're never stuck for entertainment. I've done all the festivals too. St. Patrick's day, the Mayor's show, Chinese New Year and New Year a few times. Always fun, colourful and a good atmosphere. Pre lockdown I liked Hampstead theatre. Always something interesting and topical on. Also the farmers market in Herne Hill, then a walk around Brockwell park.

It is cold this year and many places have had snow. I hate this time of year too. The cold, damp weather and going dark early. This is one benefit of studying. It starts in October which keeps me busy over winter and it's something constructive. Then the summer off to enjoy!

In fact, that's my weekend sorted. Hope you're having a good weekend and thanks a lot for continuing to post.

stay good that you’ve done the festivals.

I’m a lifelong Londoner and I haven’t! But that’s because I’m not good with crowds.

I’ve got to bash away at keyboard practice and thank goodness it’s sunny today. Hope your weekend goes well.

That's fair enough Acorn, many aren't. I do find quieter places though so I'm not in the obvious places and in the middle of them. The London walks are fascinating as well.

That sounds fun! Hope you enjoy and thanks a lot.

I love the London walks!

I worry about the style and pace of change in London. I know all the lovely Georgian buildings can’t be kept up but replacing them with glass and steel annoys me. They could have replicas? I think some parts of Edinburgh have a rule like that?

I’m not sure what the deal is now but I heard last year that no one wanted the beautiful building that used to house the Spiritualist Association because people were convinced it was haunted!

I adore London ghost stories and history.

Sorry, do you mind me chatting about that here, I realise it’s not the point of the thread!