Received some really unpleasant texts from son’s gf.

[2389Champ]

My son and his Spanish gf have moved back to the U.K. in the last month following the loss of his job. They have moved into a second property I own and because of their situation I’m not charging them any rent to help them until they get back on their feet. I’ve made it very clear that whilst they are there it is their home. My son is professionally trained but is applying for anything just so he can work. Gf does some online language tutoring but has always refused to apply for jobs as she has a degree and believes she shouldn’t have to accept anything less than her worth. It’s never been an issue to me and I’ve kept out of as she’s his choice although I know it’s caused arguments between them because my son has complained to me.

The big problem is she has brought a large dog over with her that is aggressive and untrained. She has had it from a puppy so can’t blame anyone else for its behaviour. She has this wacky idea about not using any discipline to train it - only gentle handling. She won’t listen to anyone about the problem and believes she can sort it herself. It’s so bad it can’t go out in public. When we visited last weekend it went for my husband and bit him without provocation and tried to bite me. She is lucky in that we are dog lovers so didn’t react as someone else might but I warned her that anyone visiting was potentially in danger and that she would be liable. Unsurprisingly, it’s not insured either because she says she can’t afford it.

We have a painter and decorator going in next week (I’ve warned him already!) which she wants me to cancel because “it will upset the dog and can’t I wait another month when it is settled?” I’ve refused because she’s had the dog for 8 months already in Spain and I can’t see any improvement in another month, plus I can’t inconvenience my decorator as he’s self employed and has a business to run. I pointed out that she knew that the flat needed work, that painter was booked months ago and if it was such a problem to the dog perhaps she should have continued staying with her family in Spain until it was trained. Again, my son confided that the dog was causing massive issues with her family whilst there too.

I’ve always generally got on well with her and exchanged friendly texts. Last night and today she has suddenly launched a verbal tirade of texts on me about how I’ve not made her feel welcome, that the dog’s training is nothing to do with me, that by allowing the decorator in I have ruined all the good work that has gone into the dog, that I’ve left her with no option but to return to Spain and blaming me for ruining and ending their relationship!

I’m absolutely gobsmacked and stunned where this has come from. I’ve always been friendly and welcoming to her and the dog issue is the only time I’ve ever said anything controversial - but felt I had to as this animal is seriously vicious, more to warn her that it might end in tears if it attacks someone. I’m probably a bit of a wuss but I feel really emotional tonight about it. I don’t want to call my son as I believe if they have issues, they need to sort it out without me being involved and possibly there is tension between them too.

I’ve not responded to the texts either as I don’t want to further inflame things although I think she was totally out of order to message me like this. Have I handled things badly?

I think you are still trying to solve their problems and in doing so, inserting yourself in their relationship. Why offer your house? The problem is theirs to fix. I would say they can stay for another two months and that's it. By being their landlady, this is creating additional tension.

The dog sounds grim and I wouldn't let it in my house or be around it. Your son has to get a grip on that, fancy allowing your parents to get bitten as you daren't tackle it with the gf?!

This is all too indulgent, and having been like that, you are now the 'baddie'. Step back, step out and stop facilitating their lives- if she'd tried to get somewhere to live with a large dog she would have found nowhere, and that would have been a good message to have had to absorb and perhaps she would have rehomed.

The dog situation sounds really disturbing and I'd be worried.

With their relationship though, it almost seems that it's floundering yet able to continue by passing the stresses on to you so you absorb them, a form of scapegoating I suppose.

She's just blame-dodging. Easier to put it at your door than accept she's ruined her relationship. It sounds like her parents won't be happy to have her back with the dog either so she's in a bit of a pickle but it's all of her own making.

Message your son and check he's OK. It wouldn't hurt to reaffirm that you can't really cancel the decorator due to his scheduling.

You really haven't done anything wrong. Bowing down to entitled people just leads to them making more and more unreasonable demands. You've done the right thing.x.

The dog probably stands to be the most damaged individual in this whole scenario.

Good idea for him to housesit for your for a bit.

She's acting very entitled and you're being very nice. If she'd asked me to cancel the painter and decorator I'd have not so politely suggested that she move out (and into somewhere where she has to pay rent) if she didn't like it.

Step back from this, OP, and let the cheekiness of the behaviour sink in.

Your DS and his GF have the great fortune to be staying rent free in a property owned by a parent. She's gone ahead and moved a great big badly behaved dog into it and is moaning about you having to do planned maintenance on it. To the point she is send you, the person providing her with this gift and the mother of someone she supposedly loves, rude texts.

She's looking for someone to blame for her bad choices and she's settled on you as the target. I'd also be having very firm words with your son but that is to some extent beside the point in so far as she had a choice whether to be rude and ungrateful to you or not and she took it.

I, too, would be arranging transportation to the airport for her.

She sounds very childish and ungrateful and I can’t believe she didn’t apologise for the dogs behaviour and for biting! I would feel so awful! Maybe she’s the type of person who just goes on the defensive when she is in the wrong rather than owning up to her own problems?

It’s a tricky one with you being in the middle of her and DS and I would tread carefully there. You only know one side of the relationship, what he is telling you and if there are problems between them then that is for him to sort out with her.

I’m sorry she has upset you, what does your gut instinct tell you about what to do next? I agree with others that kill her with kindness may be the best option, that way she won’t have any ammunition to use against you! Maybe talk to your son about it all but be careful in how you speak about her as they may end up staying together and you don’t want to push him away if that happens

It sounds a bit like the typical cycle that you get with narcissistic or dysfunctional types... there is a golden period, and then the person turns on you

@Eviebeans

I approach this from a different angle - I have 3 adult sons - if any of them have ever wanted to have a moan to me about any of their partners it has always been met with the same response ✋🙉🙈🙊 Your son needs to put his big boy pants on and deal with it

I have adult sons too and I would also do this.

I would never insert myself into their relationships as it is not my place.

In your shoes, I would be very forgiving about the texts and put off the decorator.

I imagine the dog is a bit of a 'security blanket' in a new country. The girl has uprooted her life for your son and may be feeling homesick and displaced. I would give her the benefit of the doubt as previously she was in your words 'lovely and ideal for DS'.

I think she sounds as if she is not in a good place and needs some help and tlc.

She sounds like a very immature and entitled girl who has no idea how dangerous she is making that dog.

Someone could end up getting very hurt because of her sheer ignorance.
Has your DS spelt this out or is he too afraid of upsetting her?

Would your son have moved back if you had not offered free accommodation, or at least his GF stayed in Spain? You have got entangled in his life by offering easy ways out to him, which of course he's going to take.
I think you've inadvertently got too involved by trying to be nice, but it's backfired. You've helped this relationship limp along when it would of been over already if they'd had to sort themselves out - most likely with the dog getting rehomed more appropriately, if her family would of not let her stay with it. I think she's come over to live, specifically because she could no longer stay with her family, so had no choice as no income. You're son is now lumbered, and the more you try to make things easier for them, the longer it goes on for. Hard though it is, you really need to resist trying to help, it will drag things out much longer.

@Venicelover I think you're being very kind. And my children are younger so maybe my views would change over time.

That said, I do think this is a situation that could quickly spiral out of (even more) control. What if the OP needs the house back? Or does it start to feel like a 'gift' to the son, if it goes on and on. If she does decide to stay and they stay in the property, I agree with PP, best to have a proper tenancy agreement and to think through boundaries on all sorts of things very carefully.

If you are the home owner, and she has no pet insurance, etc... does that make you liable if the dog bites or attacks anyone if they do not have a lease agreement, etc? I would be really worried about this, OP.

What does your DS have to say about the dog and all this?

Can your son make an appointment to have the dog fixed and then find a trainer for him and they both take the dog?

Is it just me or does she sound like an abusive controlling partner . Your sons sounds frightened of her.
Typical mums net if it was a daughter who had a partner like this she'd be told to run for the hills.
But being male so he's being told to sort it himself and she must be struggling .

@Sarahsah4r4

the function of the dog is to intimidate and control people and this gives her a sense of power & control, also she indulges herself by indulging the dog. She sounds volatile & dysfunctional, look at that 'DARVO' maneuver... spinning it as your fault when she's behaving like a box of frogs.

Definitely! Good on you for not responding and continue to do so because you know your doing right I dread it when my child starts dating women

No op, you have not been unreasonable. I’d tell her what an ungrateful, entitled brat she is and show her the door. If she doesn’t believe in training a dog think how she be with kids if the two of them ever decided on becoming parents.

Hi OP, I´m Spanish and also have a university degree. Here it´s par of the course to work at something totally different to your degree and beneath you if necessary, and it usually is necessary. I know one person like her , who would point blank refuse to work at anything that wasn´t what he studied for and years down the line he is virtually unemployable and has issues and lives off his parents. She probably would like to be kept in the style she has become accustomed to...Cross your fingers that your son will get tired of this and send her packing...Meanwhile, do not intervene, leave them to it. Your son has to realise on his own...

She adores animals
I’d beg to differ there. If she adored animals, she would neither wish to see them in distress nor would she neglect their basic needs, such as taking them for a walk at least once a day.

She sounds like my 12 yo dd, loves the dogs, can’t be arsed to walk them.

Oh forgot to say, I compared my 12 yo dd because she is a child...fine fo be like this at 12. Not so much so as an adult dog owner.

Thank you for all your replies. Really appreciated. :)
An update:
I stood my ground, and much I was so tempted over the evening to respond, I didn’t return any sort of reply.

The following afternoon, DS rang me and said that a friend of his had visited and the dog had also reacted badly to him as well. As a consequence, the gf finally acknowledged that there was a problem and that she would therefore get professional help in calming the dog down. They have apparently arranged to move into a pet friendly Airbnb for a fortnight whilst the decorator is working too which seems a sensible idea.

DS made no mention of the impending return to Spain, only that, according to him, the gf wanted to speak to me as she felt there ‘had been a breakdown in communication’ I replied that I totally agreed, that I had been quite stunned by her messages and welcomed the opportunity to clear the air. The call from DS was yesterday and so far, I have heard nothing at all from her. I’m not too bothered whether I do tbh, it’s just interesting that DS is the one trying to do the repairing when it was her that lashed out.

I just hope for the poor dog’s sake that this sad situation is resolved as he seems to be a victim of impetuousness and I hope he doesn’t pay the ultimate price.

That sounds relatively positive. It goes without saying there is a problem with the owner, rather than the dog... there had been a breakdown in communication understatement. But at least your ds recognises there is an issue.

I'd just message back "Adios" TBH.

This comment wins the thread😂

Now really, OP, you sound so LOVELY! She sounds unhinged. Poor dog. And your poor DSZ

So she lives rent free in your property, you’ve been nice to her and she behaves like this. Very entitled and delusional.
Sounds like she wants to blame you for issues in her relationship with your son- don’t get involved and 1/2 days before decorator going in send her a polite message confirming the plan is going ahead. Don’t mention her nasty texts, if you do she’s be having an argument with your son claiming you’re nasty and unreasonable. You’re not.
And yes, fingers crossed she’ll be gone soon with her feral dog.

@readingismycardio

I'd just message back "Adios" TBH.

This comment wins the thread😂

Now really, OP, you sound so LOVELY! She sounds unhinged. Poor dog. And your poor DSZ

I promise you, I’m not that lovely! I typed and retyped some pretty savage replies but deleted them. I’m very aware that once you’ve said it, there’s no going back.

There’s obviously some other major issues going on here with her. I can’t, and won’t say anything to DS but he’s obviously trying to cover up and smooth over something, at the same time as appeasing her. It might be as someone said, he needs to get his big boy pants on and stand up to her - she’s quite a bit older than him so he might be deferring to her ‘seniority’ - or she genuinely has some anxiety and MH issues that have emerged during the relationship because, as I said, to begin with she was amazing. Charming, friendly, supportive and someone we were so happy to have as part of the family.

My daughter loved her too and always said DS had found his perfect partner but has found her more and more difficult over the last couple of years. Gf took an instant dislike to daughter’s terrific fiancé and didn’t bother hide it which was ‘interesting’ and another story!

i wonder if the pet friendly AirBNB might have some good ideas re the training. it is often hard to listen to relatives - good it seems to be being sorted though