Received some really unpleasant texts from son’s gf.

[2389Champ]

My son and his Spanish gf have moved back to the U.K. in the last month following the loss of his job. They have moved into a second property I own and because of their situation I’m not charging them any rent to help them until they get back on their feet. I’ve made it very clear that whilst they are there it is their home. My son is professionally trained but is applying for anything just so he can work. Gf does some online language tutoring but has always refused to apply for jobs as she has a degree and believes she shouldn’t have to accept anything less than her worth. It’s never been an issue to me and I’ve kept out of as she’s his choice although I know it’s caused arguments between them because my son has complained to me.

The big problem is she has brought a large dog over with her that is aggressive and untrained. She has had it from a puppy so can’t blame anyone else for its behaviour. She has this wacky idea about not using any discipline to train it - only gentle handling. She won’t listen to anyone about the problem and believes she can sort it herself. It’s so bad it can’t go out in public. When we visited last weekend it went for my husband and bit him without provocation and tried to bite me. She is lucky in that we are dog lovers so didn’t react as someone else might but I warned her that anyone visiting was potentially in danger and that she would be liable. Unsurprisingly, it’s not insured either because she says she can’t afford it.

We have a painter and decorator going in next week (I’ve warned him already!) which she wants me to cancel because “it will upset the dog and can’t I wait another month when it is settled?” I’ve refused because she’s had the dog for 8 months already in Spain and I can’t see any improvement in another month, plus I can’t inconvenience my decorator as he’s self employed and has a business to run. I pointed out that she knew that the flat needed work, that painter was booked months ago and if it was such a problem to the dog perhaps she should have continued staying with her family in Spain until it was trained. Again, my son confided that the dog was causing massive issues with her family whilst there too.

I’ve always generally got on well with her and exchanged friendly texts. Last night and today she has suddenly launched a verbal tirade of texts on me about how I’ve not made her feel welcome, that the dog’s training is nothing to do with me, that by allowing the decorator in I have ruined all the good work that has gone into the dog, that I’ve left her with no option but to return to Spain and blaming me for ruining and ending their relationship!

I’m absolutely gobsmacked and stunned where this has come from. I’ve always been friendly and welcoming to her and the dog issue is the only time I’ve ever said anything controversial - but felt I had to as this animal is seriously vicious, more to warn her that it might end in tears if it attacks someone. I’m probably a bit of a wuss but I feel really emotional tonight about it. I don’t want to call my son as I believe if they have issues, they need to sort it out without me being involved and possibly there is tension between them too.

I’ve not responded to the texts either as I don’t want to further inflame things although I think she was totally out of order to message me like this. Have I handled things badly?

I would not respond to her crazy and angry texts, You have been kind to your son and this girl, who obviously does not know how to properly train a dog. From what you have said, the girlfriend sounds quite uppity about everything, and seems to make all the decisions, so maybe your Son has no say in anything at all regarding her snappy nasty dog.

There would be trouble if her dog attacked and harmed someone.

OP, first I want to say your son's gf sounds completely crazy. He'll be happier if they split.

It might be Brexit making me over sensitive, but the tone of this thread has made me a bit depressed, as many people keep commenting on the nationality of the girl as if it was relevant for the story. A few things:

• she'll be kicked out after brexit : No, she wont. She was in UK before Brexit so she has the right to stay. Sorry to disappoint you.
• many graduates in this country work just to pay the bills : and in Spain too. University is practically free there, so people get good education. Which is the reason why so many Spanish graduates work in UK as waiters, as I'm sure that girl knows.
• some other person was also awful and was Cuban, which although is not exactly the same is similar : I have an Australian friend that is prone to stereotyping others, so I wasn't really surprised by this comment

You sound very sensible OP. I hope it will all work out.

She sounds unhinged and like a spoilt little child without any proper manners.

I wouldn't text her back but if the painter can't do their job because of her dog I'd demand that it goes out of your property immediately. She's taking the piss and if it were my son, I would show him these texts and warn him about her. She sounds like a total nightmare and I wouldn't want that for my DC.

@AnneOfTeenFables

I'm not understanding the timeline in your posts. They seem to jump all over the place.

Anyway I agree with a PP that if you were treating them like tenants and letting them treat the flat like home, you wouldn't have imposed a decorating appointment on them. We let a family member stay rent free in our flat. That didn't mean we criticised their life choices or forced them to accept appointments. Your strong views on the dog and your insistence on the decorator all prove that you don't consider the flat to be their independent home. You knew the dog was a flashpoint and you tried to impose your view on it through the decorator appointment.

Gosh yes, hopefully she will be out of there ASAP. As for the personality change, either she has mental health issues or this is the real her, which she managed to cover for the first 3 years. Perhaps she wasn’t all sweetness and light all the time behind closed doors. In any case, she sounds very controlling and breeding a dangerous dog. I hope your ds can extricate himself sooner rather than later... and that he is using birth control.

@AnneOfTeenFables
It sounds as if you are saying op isn’t allowing them to stay rent free in her house correctly. Scheduled work is scheduled work. Did you read the bit, where she tried to put off the gf coming over until the decorating was complete?

I'm concerned that the dog might bite someone else. It seems out of control. What if the next person it attacks is a toddler?

Do the right thing, OP, and report this dog. here is some guidance on the issue

Op I think the ranting texts were a sign of her distress at the moment. It sounds very much that she is having conflicting views about returning home to Spain and managing the dog, and she is subconsciously transferring those difficult emotions on to you because she can’t deal with confronting them. It is far easier to live with the guilt of a poorly raised dog if someone else is the perceived aggressor, and far easier to walk away from a relationship if “she had no choice” because. bF’s mum was making it impossible to stay.

Your son isn’t coming across well here. He bitches about her to you behind her back but is frosty with you when she’s around.

How can you in good conscience send workmen into a property with an untrained dog which has form for biting? Your son needs to be there to control the dog or you cancel the decorators.

@MoonJelly

You do realise that you have created a tenancy from which you will not be able to evict her should she choose to be awkward? Please tell me you have an actual tenancy agreement in place to protect yourself.

OP hasn't created any tenancy. The arrangement is a simple licence.

No, it's a tenancy, as they have sole use of the property.

The dog can be walked: it can wear a muzzle. If she’s not taking the dog out no wonder it is stressed. An unwalked dog needs reporting to the RSPCA. She needs to address the dog’s lifestyle because it is unhappy.

This is one of those threads where I would love to hear the girlfriend’s version of events.

It’s really not pleasant to read. Hope the girlfriend isn’t on Mumsnet Op.

The main problem is your role as landlord. If you weren’t a landlord you wouldnt have these issues. However you are and it’s tagged onto your role of mother-in-law which complicates the mother-in-law role too

Decorating why was it organised in the first place? You must have known before organising the decorator it would be difficult.

Presently you’ve a bit too much involvement in their relationship and clearly the girl isn’t up to your standards in some areas.

I think your best option is to butt out and let them sort themselves out without interference. Tell them the need to pay rent from the end of January and say how much. You can always renegotiate this date closer to the time if it’s problematic for them

Hopefully she'll be off she's abusive towards your son you will only know a fraction of how she treats him.

From her point of view she’s living in a new country away from everything she knows with a crazy dog, an interfering mother-in-law, a partners she’s arguing with and finding it difficult to get a job in her specialist area. Maybe the painter and decorator tipped her over the edge but you probably knew beforehand it would create an issue.

Let your son and her have time to work things out or seperate without you putting you ore in

Also remember your only getting your sons side of things. Not hers

I suspect you are right about the MH issues. Also think aside from that, she is manipulative and tricky. I don’t think she is trustworthy and I think son will be (eventually) relieved when she leaves. Suspect dog will probably be abandoned either with your son or soon after she returns, unfortunately.

You seem like a lovely lady and anyone would be lucky to have you as a mother in law . Leave her go she seems pretty controlling and a complete drama queen . I wouldn't respond to her either . Let's hope she bloody goes back x

You sound lovely and have done nothing wrong.
However that dog sounds dangerous and I wouldn't send a decorator in in case he's bitten.
Anonymously report the dog? I think you've got a moral duty tbh.
Lots of scary dog threats on MN today.

I agree that the dog is the victim in all this.

As she's had him for 8 months in Spain, they've been here a month, thos is still puppy. What you criticise as 'gentle handling' is what is recommended by all reputable behaviourists and trainers. Positive methods are the most successful by far.

And it is undeniable that the dog has recently had a major house move and is still settling.

Pity you booked workmen without consulting your tenants about convenience.

Did you really need to be so intransigent about not shifting the dates?

I also think you were wrong to criticise her, after only one month in a new country, for seeing if she can continue her career, rather than just taking any job. That might not be sustainable in the longer term, but it's entirely reasonable for a new arrival (and nor really your business)

I think she spotted that you are THAT mil, and acted early.

@saraclara

I suspect you might live to regret telling her that perhaps she should have continued staying with her family in Spain

However you meant it, that can easily be read to make you sound really obnoxious and unwelcoming, @2389Champ
I'd be pretty upset if my partner's mother said that to me. It's hard to read it as anything less than nasty, however it might have been intended. I'd also be upset (maybe even more so) if my mother said that to my partner- so I can see why your DS's message was frosty.

Exactly what I was thinking.

By ignoring her texts you are agreeing with what she is saying. You have been more than reasonable. A free rental, she should be extremely grateful but she sounds miserable regardless. I think I would text her back and tell her your upset by her words but hope she is ok

I've had personal experiences with both of these issues, but separately.

My Son's (now ex) GF would send reams of vicious texts to me every time she and my Son fell out. I used to get really upset about it. I would send back calm collected texts, trying to calm her down. It never worked. These kind of people don't want you to reason with them, they want a fight. Don't give them one. Eventually I started to ignore her texts when she was 'on one' and, ultimately, when she and my Son broke up, I blocked her completely on every forum! Poison!!

My ex BF had a vicious German Shepherd Dog that he had rescued after it had killed a little pug.... He would not have a word said against this dog, insisted on taking it into the local pubs (regardless of the fact that it went ballistic every time it saw another dog, and also took a dislike to certain people). He wouldn't take the dog for any formal training, many people advised him to (including myself). He was pig headed and brutish about the entire situation. The dog was an accident waiting to happen, but my ex wouldn't listen.

YA definitely NBU in this situation. I hope GF and dog are both on that plane to Spain very soon, and good riddance to both of them!!

Don't be upset OP. This is about this girl's inability to take criticism. You haven't been unreasonable or rude, whilst she most definitely HAS been both unreasonable and rude.

no option but to return to Spain and blaming me for ruining and ending their relationship!

I'd just message back "Adios" TBH.

I think British people are less tolerant of biting dogs and so, unfortunately that dogs behaviour isn't going to end well. If it is a massive dog and it bites someone the poor dog will be blamed rather than its stupid owner.

She’s being dramatic and I would just ignore her and give zero reply. The fact she won’t buy a muzzle for her dog and take it for a walk is not your fault. An 8 month old large breed puppy needs to expend energy somehow and she’s not taking it out so it’s highly strung and biting anyone that comes in the door. Tbh if an in law of mine was letting me stay at one of their empty properties for free I would be more than grateful. Your decorator need access to the property so she needs to let them in and stop with the dramatics!

Thinkni would message my son, to ring me whenever he has 5 minutes. When he does, I'd tall to him about the messages and ask what's going in with her.