Received some really unpleasant texts from son’s gf.

[2389Champ]

My son and his Spanish gf have moved back to the U.K. in the last month following the loss of his job. They have moved into a second property I own and because of their situation I’m not charging them any rent to help them until they get back on their feet. I’ve made it very clear that whilst they are there it is their home. My son is professionally trained but is applying for anything just so he can work. Gf does some online language tutoring but has always refused to apply for jobs as she has a degree and believes she shouldn’t have to accept anything less than her worth. It’s never been an issue to me and I’ve kept out of as she’s his choice although I know it’s caused arguments between them because my son has complained to me.

The big problem is she has brought a large dog over with her that is aggressive and untrained. She has had it from a puppy so can’t blame anyone else for its behaviour. She has this wacky idea about not using any discipline to train it - only gentle handling. She won’t listen to anyone about the problem and believes she can sort it herself. It’s so bad it can’t go out in public. When we visited last weekend it went for my husband and bit him without provocation and tried to bite me. She is lucky in that we are dog lovers so didn’t react as someone else might but I warned her that anyone visiting was potentially in danger and that she would be liable. Unsurprisingly, it’s not insured either because she says she can’t afford it.

We have a painter and decorator going in next week (I’ve warned him already!) which she wants me to cancel because “it will upset the dog and can’t I wait another month when it is settled?” I’ve refused because she’s had the dog for 8 months already in Spain and I can’t see any improvement in another month, plus I can’t inconvenience my decorator as he’s self employed and has a business to run. I pointed out that she knew that the flat needed work, that painter was booked months ago and if it was such a problem to the dog perhaps she should have continued staying with her family in Spain until it was trained. Again, my son confided that the dog was causing massive issues with her family whilst there too.

I’ve always generally got on well with her and exchanged friendly texts. Last night and today she has suddenly launched a verbal tirade of texts on me about how I’ve not made her feel welcome, that the dog’s training is nothing to do with me, that by allowing the decorator in I have ruined all the good work that has gone into the dog, that I’ve left her with no option but to return to Spain and blaming me for ruining and ending their relationship!

I’m absolutely gobsmacked and stunned where this has come from. I’ve always been friendly and welcoming to her and the dog issue is the only time I’ve ever said anything controversial - but felt I had to as this animal is seriously vicious, more to warn her that it might end in tears if it attacks someone. I’m probably a bit of a wuss but I feel really emotional tonight about it. I don’t want to call my son as I believe if they have issues, they need to sort it out without me being involved and possibly there is tension between them too.

I’ve not responded to the texts either as I don’t want to further inflame things although I think she was totally out of order to message me like this. Have I handled things badly?

@2389Champ

That’s a good point about the dog. We did suspect that it was the ultimate excuse for not getting a job. She won’t ever leave it on its own either. They haven’t gone out together as a couple since she’s had it “in case the dog gets stressed” I do feel very sorry for the animal in this. It can’t be walked because it’s a liability therefore I think it’s becoming more neurotic and anxious which then translates into further aggression.

I suspect you’re correct about her thinking the UK isn’t for her and it’s more convenient to make out that she’s being forced to leave by me than admit it to my son. His one text to this evening to me was very frosty too so no doubt she’s convinced him how unkind I’ve been. However, I’m pretty sure once she (hopefully) carries out her threat, we can rebuild things.

You are absolutely right that an under-exercised and under-stimulated dog (of any breed) will go bananas through sheer boredom. It will also become completely unsocialised with both people (as evidenced by the fact that it bit your DH, who it will have regarded as being on its territory) and with other dogs. If it hasn't been neutered, and particularly if it is male, its aggressive tendencies are likely to get much worse.

If it's already about 10 months old she's well past the point where this is easily remediable, She won't be able to ever let it off-leash, and as it's a large and aggressive animal should really have it muzzled if it ever is taken outside.

Why people get dogs they can't manage is beyond me! I love German Shepherds, but I wouldn't ever get one because I know that they are a strong, independent-minded breed which fiercely guards - and I'm not sure that I could provide the appropriate degree of discipline to raise a confident and yet not aggressive animal.

What type of dog is it, do you know? (Just being nosey - I am interested in dogs)

She sounds very manipulative.

Presumably with the comment about her staying in Spain you meant until the property is ready?

Sadly that is open to interpretation & the sort of thing that manipulators will twist.

If your son is happy to keep her until she finds work of her choosing-or indefinitely that's up to him.

Unfortunately you beginning to charge rent when he works could be seen as a way of forcing her to look for work-imagine if you ever want them to leave!

I can see why you are letting them have a property for no rent, but can't help thinking that you are on a hiding to nothing!

But maybe I'm wrong & you son will offer the going rate/to move out asap.

I’m so conscious that I might be giving a one sided version. I’m actually very sad and stunned that things have turned out this way. I promise I’ve never interfered and that’s why I’m so shocked. For a long time she was an adorable girl and it was a family joke how she fussed over DS and looked after him. I used to tell him he mustn’t take advantage of her kindness and that he was so lucky to have such a great gf. He’s dropped a few hints that things aren’t great but I’ve never commented because it’s up to them both and I’m sure she could be quite justified in complaining about him on occasion! Until the dog scenario, we had a great relationship with her.

The property problem is probably compounded by the fact that it wasn’t bought for them specifically, but because of the change in their circumstances I offered it to them as a solution to their situation. Unfortunately, we were committed to workmen on it and they were aware of this but DS understandably was keen to move in rather than live with mum and dad.

We happen to be away on a cottage holiday this week so to try and ease the dog and decorator situation, Ive now messaged DS and asked if it would help if they stayed in our empty house which he said he would consider. Other than that, I don’t think there is any more I can do to diffuse the situation.

I’m genuinely heartbroken about this whole thing.

i imagine it is very stressful for the gf with the dog being badly behaved.

glad you have sent some sort of olive branch op.
good luck

SchadenfruedePersonified The dog is a Heinz 57 but definitely a large proportion of which is German Shepherd. She’s never had a dog before and they’re definitely not a beginners dog. DS did suggest a muzzle but she was adamant that it would distress him and make him even crazier. And you’re right. It hasn’t been neutered either.

I'm surprised at the people criticising the OP for "imposing" a decorator on them. GF was told the place needed a bit of work and this was imminent but she came over anyway. If they won't take the dog out it's hard to see when exactly you'd have and opportunity to get the decorator in that would suit her anyway.

Yes if this was a official landlord/tenant scenario then OP couldn't do this, but in those circumstances there'd also be more than likely a lease which said "no huge and bitey pets" and rent payable. You can't accept a huge favour like that and then refuse to engage with pre-planned reasonable maintainence. If she doesn't want to be in the UK that's fine, but it's not on to make OP the scapegoat.

Meh, I wouldn't reply to the messages. She wants you to bite back to help make her point and I wouldn't give her the ammo.

I cannot get my head around owning a dog & not walking it!

Thought that that was the whole point of a dog!!

Mind you, I did have the sense get a dog that isn't too big for me to handle...

But does not walking a dog not count as neglect?

I would put the ball back into your son's court to deal with this, OP. The GF is clearly someone who will constantly deploy the blame game to pass the buck on to someone else so you'll never win with her. Get your son to take responsibility for the dog being out when the decorator is in (I wouldn't have offered your own home either tbh, that's kind of you) and consider putting the tenancy on a more legal foundation going forward.

I LOVED working in the bookshop

Bookshops are special TinyTear

They draw in people who love books (on both sides of the counter).

My DD works in a shop - she doesn't mind it. It's a job (though on zero hours now, unfortunately), but teddy bears, lovely as they are, don't give the personal satisfaction you can get from being surrounded by books . . .

Don’t have the dog back in your house.

Get a tenancy agreement - tell them that when you sent to renew The insurance, the insurer insisted on it.

Include a clause that they are allowed one well behaved pet, that they are responsible for any damage it causes, and if there are any complaints from neighbours etc they will have to leave or get rid of pet. Get legal advice to make sure the last bit is ok, the first part is very common .

That at least will stop her getting another dog. But hopefully she will leave the country soon.

You’re pandering too much, you’re already providing free accommodation for your adult son, now offering up another. He doesn’t need it, it’s his choice of girlfriends problem, the animal could be reported as ‘dangerously out of control’ if it makes the decorators feel even slightly uncomfortable-really, that’s the law. You seem to know every tiny detail about your sons life, and he is dependent on you, it sounds suffocating. And his choice in girlfriends is crap.

Poor dog, he would probably just be much better for some exercise .

@2389Champ

SchadenfruedePersonified The dog is a Heinz 57 but definitely a large proportion of which is German Shepherd. She’s never had a dog before and they’re definitely not a beginners dog. DS did suggest a muzzle but she was adamant that it would distress him and make him even crazier. And you’re right. It hasn’t been neutered either.

You are right - they aren't a beginner's dog at all. And I suspect she just fell in love with the idea of a puppy and didn't even think to research different breeds to see what would suit their lifestyle etc.

Poor dog!

And I'm not trying to scaremonger here, but IF it has German Shepherd instincts, they are also very well known for being a "one-man" dog - she is the one in the house with him all day - she will be the one he protects and "owns". The day will come when, if he isn't disciplined (and I'm not talking about cruelty - you can let dogs know that they have done wrong without physically abusing them - tone of voice is everything) he will decide that HE is the one in charge.

At the moment he is an adolescent - he is testing boundaries, his hormones are driving him crazy (I can recall reading fairly recently that the hormone surge adolescent dogs get is something like 32x their adult levels - that's a lot of testosterone!) - he really needs an experienced trainer - one-to-one, to cope with the dog she has let him become. He's still young, so there is hope (but I doubt he'll ever be safe around other dogs)

See if you can persuade your son to get her to book someone - for the dog's sake and for your son's. Male dogs in my experience almost always attach themselves emotionally to female house members. Add this to a one-man guarding instinct, and your son could actually be in danger. If they are having an argument (as all couples do), the dog could perceive him as a threat and even attack him. Do you know if the dog has ever growled at either of them? (Because he'll regard himself as being in charge of her, too.)

It would depend a lot on what his underlying nature is, obviously, but I wouldn't be comfortable with a dog like this in the house.

Poor dog. Lack of exercise and discipline aside, how does she plan to provide all it's food and the care it needs with no job?

Your DS' girlfriend maybe also annoyed with herself that she doesn't have money to pay for dog training lessons. She may understand her dog is causing trouble. Some parents behave same defensive way when they don't know what to do with their bad behaving children.

I'd ask her if she'd consider dog training lessons. Maybe you could give it to her as an early Christmas gift if you can afford it or she could give the money back later. The dog will definitely benefit from the lessons and she as well as she needs to know the commands.

@ChillerKillerCroissant

I would put the ball back into your son's court to deal with this, OP. The GF is clearly someone who will constantly deploy the blame game to pass the buck on to someone else so you'll never win with her. Get your son to take responsibility for the dog being out when the decorator is in (I wouldn't have offered your own home either tbh, that's kind of you) and consider putting the tenancy on a more legal foundation going forward.

What ChillerKiller said sounds like good advice. The gf is manipulative and not worth engaging with her. I’d ignore it and send your ds a message saying you’ve received a message from her about the dog and remind him that the decorating will be taking place as planned and ask him to ensure it is under control and not damaging the property or other people.

Tbh there is no way I would have offered my home. Isn’t the dog ruining your property?

This woman sounds like a nightmare and some partners both male and female can be like this - change when they either move in or a big upheaval somewhere - which isn't OP's problem.

OP has been more than kind, understanding etc with the situation letting them both move into her property and letting her DS deal with his GF. The GF sounds like she's a bit spoiled but also sounds like the initial fussiness over the DS and very kind has now upped and escalated into nutter controlling GF category.

I'd echo what some others have said though - don't criticise her too much or make demands on her - last thing you want is for her to run back to Spain with your DS with her (and the dog) or worse for DS to do something rash like propose to her! Just wait for DS to get tired of her histrionics and the GF to move back to Spain by herself.

But insist on decorating taking placed as planned as Mummyoflittledragon says - it is your property.

Quite concerned about this dog .

From what your be said about the dog age wise the dog is an adolescent puppy and they can be quite naughty and bitey still at that age .

But if it's a large dog it needs exercise and socialising . Can she not control it on a lead ?

I'm worrying it will bite the decorator and end up having to be put down through no fault of its own .

I know that's not the point of your post , OP, but still ...

Schadenfruede - I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. She adores animals, which is a very good thing, but DS told us she went to a dog rescue, saw this puppy and impulsively took it on even though he expressed his doubts and the timing being wrong with his job on the line.

He happened to mention that it doesn’t like them standing close to each other, let along him putting his arm around her so the signs are all there. German Shepherds are beautiful dogs but are bred to be guard dogs so their energies need to be channelled into working and stimulation. This poor dog is not really pet material as it is. It scares me, for her sake, what she will do if it causes personal injury or an accident to anyone as she has no cover.

Her defensiveness makes me wonder if she is aware of the crisis but is panicking and lashing out but by doing so she has trashed our relationship which makes me sad.

I hope she sticks to what she says and returns to Spain, for yours and your sons sake. You did the right thing ignoring her texts

Ive now messaged DS and asked if it would help if they stayed in our empty house which he said he would consider

How very gracious of him to allow you to fix another one of his problems OP, I think you are daft as a brush to now offer your own home to this pair after receiving those messages off the GF, they are adults let them fix their own problems. If they want to be "frosty" or send you the message that you are not sufficiently welcoming they should do you the good deed of not allowing you to financially supporting the pair of them anymore, because you are financially supporting them, they get free housing and now they do not have to pay for this dog to go to kennels when the painters are in the property they live in for free.

What is the plan if this dog trashes your home now you are away, or it bites a visitor on your property? The issue is your son, he is badmouthing the GF to you and then having her pop off at you, time for them both to grow up and fgs stop pandering to him.

The issue is your son, he is badmouthing the GF to you and then having her pop off at you, time for them both to grow up and fgs stop pandering to him.

I agree Op, your son really needs to grow up and start taking some responsibility for the situation. There’s only so much you can (and should) do for these two adults.

@Dontbeme

Ive now messaged DS and asked if it would help if they stayed in our empty house which he said he would consider

How very gracious of him to allow you to fix another one of his problems OP, I think you are daft as a brush to now offer your own home to this pair after receiving those messages off the GF, they are adults let them fix their own problems. If they want to be "frosty" or send you the message that you are not sufficiently welcoming they should do you the good deed of not allowing you to financially supporting the pair of them anymore, because you are financially supporting them, they get free housing and now they do not have to pay for this dog to go to kennels when the painters are in the property they live in for free.

What is the plan if this dog trashes your home now you are away, or it bites a visitor on your property? The issue is your son, he is badmouthing the GF to you and then having her pop off at you, time for them both to grow up and fgs stop pandering to him.

Agreed - no way would I allow them to stay in your empty home!

The GF sounds like she hasn't got the maturity to have a pet - without thinking it through, your DS obviously went along with her because he loves her - a few younger couples - maybe older ones too - often do this - ahhhh let's get a cute puppy, kitten etc without thinking of the consequences or reading up on it.

I think it probably is a mixture of as Dontbeme says - your son is badmouthing the GF to you and letting her have a go at you but I also think she is quite immature and a bit fiery, maybe her characteristic.