Received some really unpleasant texts from son’s gf.

[2389Champ]

My son and his Spanish gf have moved back to the U.K. in the last month following the loss of his job. They have moved into a second property I own and because of their situation I’m not charging them any rent to help them until they get back on their feet. I’ve made it very clear that whilst they are there it is their home. My son is professionally trained but is applying for anything just so he can work. Gf does some online language tutoring but has always refused to apply for jobs as she has a degree and believes she shouldn’t have to accept anything less than her worth. It’s never been an issue to me and I’ve kept out of as she’s his choice although I know it’s caused arguments between them because my son has complained to me.

The big problem is she has brought a large dog over with her that is aggressive and untrained. She has had it from a puppy so can’t blame anyone else for its behaviour. She has this wacky idea about not using any discipline to train it - only gentle handling. She won’t listen to anyone about the problem and believes she can sort it herself. It’s so bad it can’t go out in public. When we visited last weekend it went for my husband and bit him without provocation and tried to bite me. She is lucky in that we are dog lovers so didn’t react as someone else might but I warned her that anyone visiting was potentially in danger and that she would be liable. Unsurprisingly, it’s not insured either because she says she can’t afford it.

We have a painter and decorator going in next week (I’ve warned him already!) which she wants me to cancel because “it will upset the dog and can’t I wait another month when it is settled?” I’ve refused because she’s had the dog for 8 months already in Spain and I can’t see any improvement in another month, plus I can’t inconvenience my decorator as he’s self employed and has a business to run. I pointed out that she knew that the flat needed work, that painter was booked months ago and if it was such a problem to the dog perhaps she should have continued staying with her family in Spain until it was trained. Again, my son confided that the dog was causing massive issues with her family whilst there too.

I’ve always generally got on well with her and exchanged friendly texts. Last night and today she has suddenly launched a verbal tirade of texts on me about how I’ve not made her feel welcome, that the dog’s training is nothing to do with me, that by allowing the decorator in I have ruined all the good work that has gone into the dog, that I’ve left her with no option but to return to Spain and blaming me for ruining and ending their relationship!

I’m absolutely gobsmacked and stunned where this has come from. I’ve always been friendly and welcoming to her and the dog issue is the only time I’ve ever said anything controversial - but felt I had to as this animal is seriously vicious, more to warn her that it might end in tears if it attacks someone. I’m probably a bit of a wuss but I feel really emotional tonight about it. I don’t want to call my son as I believe if they have issues, they need to sort it out without me being involved and possibly there is tension between them too.

I’ve not responded to the texts either as I don’t want to further inflame things although I think she was totally out of order to message me like this. Have I handled things badly?

Just don't get involved else he will defend her etc

Perhaps not quite on point but so glad you are thinking of your decorator! I have family in the building trade & the last few months have been awful for them with cancellations etc. So many people seem not to realise the consequences of cancelling scheduled work when someone is self employed.
She sounds very difficult & unhappy. You’re not being at all unreasonable. It would have been wrong to cancel. And she’s letting the dog down by not training it.

Text her back and say your house insurance have heard there is an aggressive dog in your property and your house insurance is at risk of being cancelled if the dog doesn't leave. Bye bye

There's a company that make alternative greeting cards, stuff like Sorry You're Leaving Now Off You Fuck etc. Have a wee look op

Of course yanbu

She obviously expects the world to provide for her and doesn't understand the meaning of gratitude and hard work!

Reply with Buen Viaje zorra!
Hahaha seriously you don't sound like you've done anything wrong. You should've warned her that you could've reported her to the police for her dog having attacked your husband. Any normal person would be mortified if that happened, let alone a potential father in law!

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that although the girlfriend does indeed sound like a pain in the arse - I suspect you have said more, and got more involved than you're letting on here.

Why, for example, were you involved with their decision to get a dog? They lived in another country at the time - why was it your business?

You don't sound unreasonable to me. However she will definitely try and manipulate everything to make it sound as if you are, so I would be extremely careful about all of your contact with her, or it could negatively affect your relationship with your son. If you think you can get away with it, I wouldn't reply to her messages at all. If you think a reply is needed, I would be very careful to sound neutral and non committal. Don't give opinions, don't try and defend yourself.

Remember that she is still your son's partner. You could wake up tomorrow and find that they're back together and she has changed her mind about leaving.

I knew a couple who was using the same non-training "training" method for their dog. Thankfully, the dog was the most non-aggressive dog I ever met, but the lack of training was massive and led to the dog getting pepper sprayed by a postman who got jumped on and didn't know the 100 lb animal was "just being friendly."

They eventually had a child. They did the same "methods" with the kid, never used the word "no," refused any discipline but gentle chatting with the boy. Now that child is an 11 year old anxious wreck who's been in therapy since age 6 and kicked out of multiple schools because of his behavioral problems. His parents refusing to discipline him has led to so many issues and they've decided to homeschool because school was trying to discipline where the home was not!

This is all to say: hopefully she gets the hell out before she gets pregnant. May be an unkind thing to say, but it's true.

She is doing that poor dog no favours at all. She needs to get control over the aggression situation, whether that's seeking the help of a behaviourist and keeping it away from other people/muzzled

Does she not realise that in carrying on as she is, she is risking her dog's life? If it bites someone and they complain, it could end up being put down. Which would be tragic for the poor animal. It's not the dog's fault that it has become the victim of a brainless moron.

I'd literally ignore her. She sounds vile. Not your issue... shes not your girlfriend, if she wants to go back let her lol

Ooh my friends son hooked up with a woman like this. She had already dumped one man and used his baby for leverage. She then got hold of second chump friends son had another baby, then dumped him and used baby for leverage. She and her mother are a bloody nightmare the courts have finally seen through her but she ignores their instructions now they do not believe her. She is cuban not spanish but the chaos sounds similar.

What a horrible thread. The dog is 8 months old? So it’s probably right in the middle of a fear period. And it’s just been uprooted from everything it knew in Spain and brought to a different country, which would be pretty unsettling for the most chilled out dog. Is it aggressive, or is it just totally overwhelmed with a new situation and new people? It also sounds like it is surrounded by people arguing, which many humans find stressful, never mind an animal.

She needs to find someone to help her with training and behaviour. However, using positive training, rather than “discipline” as you call it, is absolutely the correct way to go about it. She should look into trigger stacking.

The decorator is yet another stressful stimulus for the dog, so I can see why she would want you to cancel. Obviously that’s not practical, so she needs to find a way to work around - extra long walks and then keeping the dog strictly separate from the decorator, maybe with the radio on to mask the background noise, and a kong.

If you want to be helpful, op, suggest she takes a look at the doghouse board. If you just want to slag her off because she’s not good enough for your son, carry on the way you are going. She and the dog will probably be happier back in Spain.

From your message it’s very obvious you do not like her and you are extremely negative in how you describe her. “she’s his choice”, “my son has complained to me”, “The big problem is SHE has brought a large dog”, “She has this wacky idea”, “She won’t listen to anyone”. OP don’t you mean their dog, and it’s their problem.

Also you contradict yourself when you say you’ve made it clear that it is their home yet you insist on the decorator coming round when she’s told you she’s trying to work on getting the dog settled. Sounds to me like there are bigger issues here. Not only that but you sound like one of those Mothers who feels as if their son can do no wrong. I feel sorry for the gf.

Just sit back, don't respond. The writing is on the wall with this relationship, it will end by itself, the less you get involved, the better for your relationship with your son.

Don't give it a second thought, good on you. it will be the best thing that could happen. You or your son and family don't need her or anyone like her in your life. I feel relieved for you.

@Mooseflake

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that although the girlfriend does indeed sound like a pain in the arse - I suspect you have said more, and got more involved than you're letting on here.

Why, for example, were you involved with their decision to get a dog? They lived in another country at the time - why was it your business?

No, you’re right to ask - it’s a good point.

We didn’t directly say to her not to get the dog, DS told us that she wanted one and he wasn’t keen. We just agreed with him it was a bad decision too. Ultimately, it was up to him to put his foot down or not.

The other issue is she has been very reluctant to leave Spain in the first place and although DS had the opportunity and wanted to return to the U.K. 18 months ago, she persuaded him to stay put which I understand completely - it’s a big change. One of her tactics though was to message me and try and get me onside with her to get him to remain there as according to her, he listens to me. I wouldn’t get involved as it was entirely his decision, and at the time, that didn’t go down too well with her.

I think she’s a character who needs careful handling and may indeed have some MH issues. DS confides and tells us things and then says please don’t let her know I’ve told you x,y or z or please don’t mention a,b or c because she gets anxious and upset - the dog being a prime example.

@Lavanderrose

From your message it’s very obvious you do not like her and you are extremely negative in how you describe her. “she’s his choice”, “my son has complained to me”, “The big problem is SHE has brought a large dog”, “She has this wacky idea”, “She won’t listen to anyone”. OP don’t you mean their dog, and it’s their problem.

Also you contradict yourself when you say you’ve made it clear that it is their home yet you insist on the decorator coming round when she’s told you she’s trying to work on getting the dog settled. Sounds to me like there are bigger issues here. Not only that but you sound like one of those Mothers who feels as if their son can do no wrong. I feel sorry for the gf.

That’s the sad thing. The first three years they were together she was so adorable. They were a great couple, she was the sort of girl that you would choose for your DS. She was so good for him, they seemed so happy. I thought they were made for each other.

The last two years she’s become incredibly needy. Suddenly hates all his friends. Messages him constantly - literally every 5 minutes or so. He’s always trying to please her and not upset her and that’s why he wasn’t assertive enough even though he didn’t want the dog.

She chose to come over with the dog before the property was ready. I didn’t spring it on her. DS had moved back ahead of her and she was staying in her parents home in Spain. According to DS, the dog’s behaviour was causing rows there too.

It’s the poor dog who is possibly the real victim in this.

I don’t think you did anything wrong . She sounds like a total and utter nightmare .
She’s staying there , paying no rent , her dog bites your husband and you don’t even get an apology .
Sooner she gets her sorry arse back on that plane and is out of you and your sons life the better .

I suspect you might live to regret telling her that perhaps she should have continued staying with her family in Spain

However you meant it, that can easily be read to make you sound really obnoxious and unwelcoming, @2389Champ
I'd be pretty upset if my partner's mother said that to me. It's hard to read it as anything less than nasty, however it might have been intended. I'd also be upset (maybe even more so) if my mother said that to my partner- so I can see why your DS's message was frosty.

Let's hope she buggers off and doesn't come back. She sounds awful. Her dog bit your DH and no apology from her?

Help her pack.

I'm not understanding the timeline in your posts. They seem to jump all over the place.

Anyway I agree with a PP that if you were treating them like tenants and letting them treat the flat like home, you wouldn't have imposed a decorating appointment on them. We let a family member stay rent free in our flat. That didn't mean we criticised their life choices or forced them to accept appointments. Your strong views on the dog and your insistence on the decorator all prove that you don't consider the flat to be their independent home. You knew the dog was a flashpoint and you tried to impose your view on it through the decorator appointment.

Can you call the RSPCA or dog warden?

I'd get advice. Poor animal.

Her - she can do what she likes.

You do realise that you have created a tenancy from which you will not be able to evict her should she choose to be awkward? Please tell me you have an actual tenancy agreement in place to protect yourself.

OP hasn't created any tenancy. The arrangement is a simple licence.