Received some really unpleasant texts from son’s gf.

[2389Champ]

My son and his Spanish gf have moved back to the U.K. in the last month following the loss of his job. They have moved into a second property I own and because of their situation I’m not charging them any rent to help them until they get back on their feet. I’ve made it very clear that whilst they are there it is their home. My son is professionally trained but is applying for anything just so he can work. Gf does some online language tutoring but has always refused to apply for jobs as she has a degree and believes she shouldn’t have to accept anything less than her worth. It’s never been an issue to me and I’ve kept out of as she’s his choice although I know it’s caused arguments between them because my son has complained to me.

The big problem is she has brought a large dog over with her that is aggressive and untrained. She has had it from a puppy so can’t blame anyone else for its behaviour. She has this wacky idea about not using any discipline to train it - only gentle handling. She won’t listen to anyone about the problem and believes she can sort it herself. It’s so bad it can’t go out in public. When we visited last weekend it went for my husband and bit him without provocation and tried to bite me. She is lucky in that we are dog lovers so didn’t react as someone else might but I warned her that anyone visiting was potentially in danger and that she would be liable. Unsurprisingly, it’s not insured either because she says she can’t afford it.

We have a painter and decorator going in next week (I’ve warned him already!) which she wants me to cancel because “it will upset the dog and can’t I wait another month when it is settled?” I’ve refused because she’s had the dog for 8 months already in Spain and I can’t see any improvement in another month, plus I can’t inconvenience my decorator as he’s self employed and has a business to run. I pointed out that she knew that the flat needed work, that painter was booked months ago and if it was such a problem to the dog perhaps she should have continued staying with her family in Spain until it was trained. Again, my son confided that the dog was causing massive issues with her family whilst there too.

I’ve always generally got on well with her and exchanged friendly texts. Last night and today she has suddenly launched a verbal tirade of texts on me about how I’ve not made her feel welcome, that the dog’s training is nothing to do with me, that by allowing the decorator in I have ruined all the good work that has gone into the dog, that I’ve left her with no option but to return to Spain and blaming me for ruining and ending their relationship!

I’m absolutely gobsmacked and stunned where this has come from. I’ve always been friendly and welcoming to her and the dog issue is the only time I’ve ever said anything controversial - but felt I had to as this animal is seriously vicious, more to warn her that it might end in tears if it attacks someone. I’m probably a bit of a wuss but I feel really emotional tonight about it. I don’t want to call my son as I believe if they have issues, they need to sort it out without me being involved and possibly there is tension between them too.

I’ve not responded to the texts either as I don’t want to further inflame things although I think she was totally out of order to message me like this. Have I handled things badly?

Stay stepped back. You are too nice and are overthinking. See her getting back on that plane as a win.

We have a similar situation in our family. Step son married a woman that sounds eerily like this person. Nothing was good enough, we weren;t supportive enough etc. She left him and blamed us. She can never be at fault. We have had a hands off approach for four years now because you can't do right for doing wrong with these types.

no, you dont want any involvement with her going back to spain, this is your ds girlfriend.

what is the plan for the house?
will the dog ever get better?

can they use a stair gate to contain the dog?

I think that you have to remember that in-law (married, or not) relationships are a different kettle of fish to any other. They are not chosen relationships like friends and they are not familial bonds either. To be successful they require a lot of circumspection and discretion.

Don’t offer opinions. Don’t offer advice. It’s hardly ever wanted.

In-law relationships are like a powerful magnifying glass that picks out and highlights the flaws and tensions. It takes much less to spoil the relationship than with friends, family or acquaintances.

Giving them a free flat is generous but it doesn’t give you any rights of interference. I don’t think you think it does btw, but don’t give more than you can afford to, be it financially or otherwise.

You really do have to leave them to it.

The relationship with your own dc changes when they have a partner, and should change as they enter the adult world and find their feet. It’s very hard to back off and let them make their own mistakes but it’s as important a part of mothering as all the other ones.

I would be vaguely concerned that there may be an element of abuse towards your ds from his gf, and if there is, keeping the door open to him is vital. It is very easy for a couple to bond against a common foe so don’t be that person. If the relationship breaks down he won’t come to you if he expects I told you so’s

I’d keep any response to her texts very neutral and vague. Don’t get drawn in. Don’t engage. “ I’m sorry you feel that way ” perhaps. Don’t send the texts to your ds - there’s nothing to be gained by putting him in the middle and no guarantee that in a pinch he would choose you. He may need you to be the bigger person here.

Personally I would respond to the texts especially as you have received a frosty text from your DS.
I would kill her with kindness, say I'm sorry you feel like this about x, y, z. My intentions have only been good, I'm concerned about the dog and only wanted to help.
I wouldn't risk my relationship with DS, I would make myself look like I'm being reasonable and kind.
Not responding leaves the issue up in the air and will make the situation awkward if they stay together.
She sounds crackers and now you are forewarned you can respond accordingly. She's looking for a fight, don't give her one, she can't fight kindness.
Be on your guard though as there's probably more crazy stuff to come.

can you consider putting off the painter and decorator?

I don't think you should put the painter and decorator off. She come over early.
She sounds like a nightmare in all honesty and that dog will always be her excuse for something.

You have been good to them offering them housing and of course the decorator should not be put off. But it also seems like your son needs to stand on his own two feet and not go moaning to mummy every time he has relationship issues. If my other half was over involved with his mother I’d blow up too.

@lAmuseMyseIf

Surely Brexit at the end of December solves it anyway? Unless she is dual nationality or he intends marrying her, how will she have the right to reside? Not sure 4 months just being here will cut it without a UK work contract/visa?

Because she's had plenty of time to get presettled status. I'm Spanish and know plenty of people from my country are still arriving. It takes a couple of days to get presettled status. Her online tutoring job might be giving her enough money to survive.

In any case, the dog situation is ridiculous and best thing she could do is go back now. She's clearly not happy

I approach this from a different angle - I have 3 adult sons - if any of them have ever wanted to have a moan to me about any of their partners it has always been met with the same response ✋🙉🙈🙊
Your son needs to put his big boy pants on and deal with it

On the other hand it is your property and I think you have been more than reasonable and fair about that

I have been in a similar position - let son and his partner live in my flat rent free - place needed entirely decorating afterwards and had sky high unpaid utility bills to deal with

A 9 month old large breed dog that doesn't get walked is an accident waiting to happen. How big is the garden?

She sounds like a totally irresponsible dog owner.

I think you handled things perfectly.

She sounds unhinged. Your son needs to be dealing with the situation.

She does sound like hard work. You can't send the decorator round there unless you are sure the dog won't be there though, It would be very unfair to put him at risk.

BTW the job thing is SUCH a southern European thing ..
I moved to the UK from a similar country, got a job in a bookshop and got sneered at back in the country because i had my degree and given up my 'proper' job there to come and work in a SHOP

well, who is laughing now as 20 years later I have a professional job...

still, I LOVED working in the bookshop and would never sneer at anyone with a shop job, really valuable

@CooperLooper

Offer to drive her to the airport so you can wave her goodbye

That was my first thought

If ‘waving her goodbye’ involved a boot up her arse...

If she's convinced he listens to you, then she may think you are driving the problems between them.

We're going to be getting to a stage in a lot of countries where a job is a job and ppl will feel lucky to have one at all

To be honest Op, you say you don’t get involved in their relationship, but it certainly sounds like you do. And your son needs to grow up and deal with his relationship issues himself instead of complaining to his mother about his partner! Weird situation all around, and I suspect his partner’s side of the story would be very very different.

the only response i'd be sending would be along the lines of either

"do you want any help packing"

or

"don't let the door hit your backside on the way out"

You have behaved exactly as I would. Do not respond. She needs to grow up (and take control of her dog)

@Fortunategirl

Ignore everything she writes but save the messages. Do not be provoked. If your son says anything be sympathetic but do not enter a slanting match. If they stay together you don’t want to give any provocation for being ousted from his life. Stand your ground about the dog. Suggest to your son (and only communicate with your son from now on) that the dog is kept in a different room or outside while the decorator is in the house

This

Or suggest that the dog foes into kennels for a day.

I wonder what your son thinks about it. She sounds awful. Hopefully he will realise his error and the situation will sort itself out.

@helpfulperson

I would text and ask if she needs a lift to the airport.

love this! I agree, she sounds like a nightmare and your son would be better off without her. However as others have said you are doing the right thing by staying out of it as much as you can.