Dp just answered a call from his ex who has caused issues between us and was NC. AIBU?

[Littleideasbigbook]

The phone rang about 10 mins ago. It was his ex and he showed me the screen and said 'Oh it is Xxxx it might be urgent' so I in shock said 'You better answer' now i can hear him up there laughing. As far as I know they haven't had contact since March after she sent him a message saying 'I'd go as far as to say I still love you'.

I am shaking. We had a nice dinner, wine and watching a film. Fuck. This. Shit.

I left my ex after more than 3 decades. No contact because he's abusive. And I've stuck to that because I don't want to be in contact.

OP's DP is in contact because he wants to be. That's why she's not blocked. He still feels tied to her. And now it appears he trying to manipulate the OP. I think she's right in feeling the relationship isn't right for her.

OP, if you want to give him a parting gift, tell him to get proper counselling to sort his issues about this woman.

@Greeneyes78

Hang on, have you chucked your partner out because he answered a phone call to his ex girlfriend, that you told him to answer and he laughed on the phone?

That's my thoughts too

No, she threw him out because of a long history of being triangulated between him and this ex of his.

OP, basically if it's something you're not happy with, and it's a deal breaker for you, then that's that. No-one has the right to tell you that's ridiculous, or that it's nonsense.

Our individual situations mean that we all come to relationships from a slightly different angle. Your past has (very understandably) made you approach this with caution.

This is your relationship. You get to decide how much is too much. Not him, not MN, just you. Your choices. If it's too much for you, then that's the right decision for you!

As for the couple of people stating that it's crazy to end your relationship based on a phone call - straw man argument! That's not the case at all, and as someone upthread mentioned - context is everything. This is not about a phone call.

FWIW OP, This would be too much for me too. It's disrespectful and would be the final straw for me.

I also have a real issue with a secondary school teacher having had a relationship with a 17 year old...! I'm a secondary teacher and fairly sure this would be a disciplinary issue as a minimum - regardless of which school he went to.

Take care OP.

Listen to your Mum OP. She is absolutely right. You do know that if you let him off this time, it'll happen again, like before.

@diddl

Reading some of the replies it's easy to see how some women end up in shit relationships!

Well done Op for having a line & not letting it be crossed.

Amen!

Op, I remember that previous thread well due to the level of emotional cheating and the toxic influence of the ex. He has clearly still not let go and is continuing to emotionally cheat on you. Her mental health and issues should have no bloody bearing on him nor should they be any concern of his. They have split up several years ago and he should be prioritising your feelings and the relationship with you. He still doesn’t and this is the heart of the issue. He is still treating you as an afterthought. I’d go ballistic if an ex encroached on my precious time with my DH, especially if there is such a history. And I am not insecure or jealous btw, I just expect any partner to focus on us!

His reaction under the circumstances today seems quite suspect to me, he is not trying at all to save your relationship and far too quickly arranging to move out. Looks far too much like this grooming cougar is single and suggested that he comes home to momma. But who cares if she wins or other tripe like that! This guy is no price and you need to focus on your own wellbeing, which will suffer from such an ongoing disloyalty on his part.

OP,

You sound like a woman who is stronger than she knows.

Your gut was telling you things were off.

Your mother is right.

Good for you being very sensitive to your boundaries.

He is not someone to become financially connected to.

You don't trust him.
Listen yo your gut.

Let him go.
You deserve better.

So the packing boxes was a red herring
Give him a roll of black bags
There is no point in having boundaries if you don't enforce them
You had to fight your way back from abuse op, that's a big deal
Don't let a needy little boy set you back, he wants a mummy not a partner

I think the boxes are a red hearing, I think he was trying to scare you. I think he may have thought after he said that you'd come begging him to come home. Either way, if you decide to try again or not, you probably need space and for him to move out for a while

forumdonkey Sun 18-Oct-20 15:57:24
Greeneyes78

Hang on, have you chucked your partner out because he answered a phone call to his ex girlfriend, that you told him to answer and he laughed on the phone?

That's my thoughts too
........

Please, both of you, read more of the thread and you will understand it is far more complex than that.

@LilyLongJohn

I think the boxes are a red hearing, I think he was trying to scare you. I think he may have thought after he said that you'd come begging him to come home. Either way, if you decide to try again or not, you probably need space and for him to move out for a while

This.... but also I wonder if he went off "to get the boxes" but actually took the opportunity to go see his ex

I doubt we'll ever know, maybe the op knows where he was, he could have bunked down at a mate's for the night.

Asking to take a potentially urgent call is one thing - he could have let it ring to VM air you could have said No. But him skipping off upstairs so once he realised it wasn’t urgent tells you everything you need to know.

He was delighted she called - he was bounced straight back into their RS,

He didn’t want you to hear any of it and your feelings, loyalty and respect were not front of mind.

He is so immature and impulsive.

You have endured far too much with this toxic nonsense.

This really is a him problem more than an ex problem.

You said your mum married at age 16. Was your father older? Wondering if this might relate somehow to childhood?

She has been bothering you guys 2 out of the 3 years you've been together. So nearly all of it.

He's talking to her because he wants to otherwise he would have cut it off long ago.
Do you know why she threw him out?

I don't think you should have had to tell him to stop talking to her. He should have done that on his own.
I still think they have feelings for each other.

You might ask yourself why you've put up with this for so long and not ended it 2 years ago? If you have to be the relationship police, your relationship is already over.

OP, I recall that in March, when P told Ex that he was prioritizing your relationship, she was upset that they had to bow to convention. This woman has a different value system and she has most certainly influenced him greatly. I believe they will always be enmeshed in their drama and you will never feel safe in this relationship.

I was in a relationship like this once. It didn't work out - he had issues that he couldn't/wouldn't work through.

You've done the right thing @Littleideasbigbook
Xx

@MsDogLady thankyou, your advice and support was invaluable last time. Yes, that is her. The message she sent him after they spoke on Saturday night was, again, weird and it is clear her values are very different to mine. If someone told me to stop contacting them to respect their current relationship I would be mortified as I would have hoped I respected people (particularly other women) way before getting to that point. I certainly wouldn't send a message 1 minute after.

As I told him last night via Whatsapp, I have enough to deal with in terms of my DC, work and my own historical trauma to keep on top of. I do not want to be involved in a triangulation with a co dependent ex. He said I have misread the situation. I am at the point where I just do not care anymore and once I disassociate that is game over for me. Think its a survival technique I learnt

Well done OP.

It’s almost as if his emotions stopped at 17 and never matured.

Be kind to yourself. 💝

"once I disassociate that is game over for me. Think its a survival technique I learnt"

Sounds like a good one.

Plenty of men seem to be able to easily deploy it!

She doesn't have mental issues, other than being interested in a 17 year old at her age.

She just likes to keep him as an option for when she is lonely and doesn't give a shit about you. If he cared about you, he'd have blocked her everywhere and refuse to talk to her.

You've done the right thing, well done.

@Dominicgoings Sure: You have your own issues around insecurity and probably self esteem given your own history. That’s something you can work on if you chose to

I have rtft and that is why I know that the OP references a very clear conversation she had with her partner where he specifically agreed to go NC because of the damage that contact with the ex was causing their relationship, but I suppose this context doesn't matter? In this context your below comments are void:

Drunk dialling an ex isn’t a big deal.
Answering the phone to an ex ( in front of your partner) isn’t a big deal.
Laughing on the phone with your ex? Not a big deal.

All of the above is a very big deal indeed, this is about the OP specifically, not people in general. And the relationship is obviously not in the past if he is still remaining chums with her.

fassbendersmistress sums up why your comment is tone deaf very well

Well done OP.

Disassociating is in YOUR best interests.

No one needs this type of drama and NO ONE is worth it either.

Good for you for protecting yourself.