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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp just answered a call from his ex who has caused issues between us and was NC. AIBU?

198 replies

Littleideasbigbook · 17/10/2020 20:58

The phone rang about 10 mins ago. It was his ex and he showed me the screen and said 'Oh it is Xxxx it might be urgent' so I in shock said 'You better answer' now i can hear him up there laughing. As far as I know they haven't had contact since March after she sent him a message saying 'I'd go as far as to say I still love you'.

I am shaking. We had a nice dinner, wine and watching a film. Fuck. This. Shit.

OP posts:
stretchedmarks · 18/10/2020 09:16

You're better off without him, OP. In my experience men like this never change. They're always in contact and run back to them without any hesitation.

Just try to prepare yourself that they may well get back together after he leaves. She'll definitely try it, anyway. But that just proves you were right.

happinessischocolate · 18/10/2020 09:19

@UntamedWisteria

Am I the only one who can't see an issue with one phone call with an ex, and that maybe it's the OP who has the problem here?
So if you received a phone call from any/all of your exes at 9pm on a Saturday night and they were drunk and saying they were thinking of you, would you leave your partner sitting on their own, go upstairs into another room and have a private conversation which involved lots of laughing?

If you did, I think that would suggest you still had feeling for them.

Whitehorsewaves · 18/10/2020 09:20

I don't think you overreacted OP. You have identified a toxic pattern of behaviour and have decided to remove yourself from it. I'd say say that's a pretty healthy course of action.

He has choices and continues to make poor ones. He lost everything because of her and got beaten up as well, yet he is still enmeshed with her. He is not mature enough or has enough emotion intelligence to block her and move on. He still gets a thrill talking to her. That isn't going to change. Not a healthy situation at all, it will only bring drama to your door.

For your own wellbeing and that of your kids move on.

Original poster
Littleideasbigbook · 18/10/2020 09:33

I am stood at the side of a football pitch so please ignore typos.

So he came upstairs and apologised, said he has handled it badly and has been stupid and he had responded to her text message saying they have to continue being no contact. But he feels worried about her because she is mentally unwell and wanted to be polite. He agreed she is manipulative. I pointed out calmly that I am really hurt and that he has been 'stupid' a few times now. Pointed out she doesn't respect his life or his relationship or his feelings. He agreed but because I said it is over last night he thinks he should move out. I said I am conflicted because I love him but don't want to keep getting hurt. He left to buy moving boxes as I left. So I guess that is it.

OP posts:
GreySkyClouds · 18/10/2020 09:35

@Littleideasbigbook

I am stood at the side of a football pitch so please ignore typos.

So he came upstairs and apologised, said he has handled it badly and has been stupid and he had responded to her text message saying they have to continue being no contact. But he feels worried about her because she is mentally unwell and wanted to be polite. He agreed she is manipulative. I pointed out calmly that I am really hurt and that he has been 'stupid' a few times now. Pointed out she doesn't respect his life or his relationship or his feelings. He agreed but because I said it is over last night he thinks he should move out. I said I am conflicted because I love him but don't want to keep getting hurt. He left to buy moving boxes as I left. So I guess that is it.

Sounds to me like he wants to move out! Far too quick to be buying boxes if he wasn’t already thinking about it.

You’re doing the right thing. If it’s meant to be, he can move back in later.

pictish · 18/10/2020 09:36

“So if you received a phone call from any/all of your exes at 9pm on a Saturday night and they were drunk and saying they were thinking of you, would you leave your partner sitting on their own, go upstairs into another room and have a private conversation which involved lots of laughing?”

If he called after a few drinks to tell me he’d bumped into a mutual friend, I might do yeah. He’s someone I know well, have a shared history with and with whom I am familiar. There’s no need to be a dick about it. I might well hear that person out...and yes, perhaps even laugh with them in the course of the conversation.
What of it?

Longwhiskers14 · 18/10/2020 09:39

@Littleideasbigbook

I am stood at the side of a football pitch so please ignore typos.

So he came upstairs and apologised, said he has handled it badly and has been stupid and he had responded to her text message saying they have to continue being no contact. But he feels worried about her because she is mentally unwell and wanted to be polite. He agreed she is manipulative. I pointed out calmly that I am really hurt and that he has been 'stupid' a few times now. Pointed out she doesn't respect his life or his relationship or his feelings. He agreed but because I said it is over last night he thinks he should move out. I said I am conflicted because I love him but don't want to keep getting hurt. He left to buy moving boxes as I left. So I guess that is it.

Really sad to hear it's escalated so quickly that he feels moving out is the only option now. I guess for both of you the trust has broken –you don't trust that he'll keep away from her and he probably thinks that you'll never trust him whatever he does, so what's the point. I hope you're okay, OP. This was one thread I really hoped would end differently. Flowers
category12 · 18/10/2020 09:41

You've got to ask yourself how many times you're going to ride this merry-go-round. How many times is he going to be sorry but there's some excuse for it?

Actually him playing the "worried about her mental health" is really infuriating - what about your emotional well-being? My ex used to play the sympathy (for the ow) card. It's really manipulative.

I know it's painful, but don't reverse course now. You'd just be in for more of the same, and aren't you bone-tired of it?

Sunnydaysstillhere · 18/10/2020 09:44

Sounds like he has somewhere to go already...

Sparkletastic · 18/10/2020 09:44

He sounds rather too keen to move out.

T33l9 · 18/10/2020 09:47

I'm sorry you found yourself in this position OP, I wouldn't want to deal with it either.

I had the same problem with an exes, ex. Spontaneous phone calls and texts.

Long story short he ended up sleeping with her, initiated by her but he was certainly to blame as he didn't reject her.

You don't need all of this baggage.

There's many words for teachers who chase after teenagers, one of them is predator.

Unsure33 · 18/10/2020 09:47

Hmmmm really ? That seems a bit quick . Not many men move out unless they have somewhere to go.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 18/10/2020 09:48

He doesn’t seem invested at all as he is not fighting for your relationship at all-very quick to go and buy boxes-he has somewhere to go-I wonder where...?🤔🤔🤔

EatDessertFirst · 18/10/2020 09:48

Sounds like he was looking for an out OP. You are better off without him. Its appalling that its seems like he was groomed by her but clearly he is still under her spell. You don't need that Oedipus shit in your life.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/10/2020 09:49

Pictish
I get where you’re coming from. But this ex is manipulative with mental health issues. And has been told to stay away as with her poor boundaries she is inserting herself in his current life. Under those circumstances I’d have though talking to her in front of op (if he needed to speak at all) should have been done in ops presence.

Little ideas
He couldn’t do anything but agree to move out. It is your house, not his. It’s your choice whether or not you try to salvage this or not. Creating the narrative that he’s choosing to move out is not helpful for you. For your peace of mind, I think you need to feel in control of this. No one can say if he is agreeing too fast or if he is doing what you asked. I’m not saying run after him. Just you have choices right now.

ImSleepingBeauty · 18/10/2020 09:52

He’s gone to buy moving boxes?!
Sorry OP.
Don’t think of it as 3 yrs wasted, think of it as the future you have saved.

Pinkyxx · 18/10/2020 09:52

I would let him go. He does not consider how YOU feel. You don't trust him, without trust there cannot be a healthy relationship.

They have no children, there is literally absolutely no reason at all for them to be in touch. Whether it was 'urgent' or not doesn't matter - you don't call your ex from years back if you are in an emergency and need help. He is in touch with her because he wants to be. NC should have meant blocking all her numbers or changing his and not keeping hers.

You deserve so much better, let him walk for your own self respect.

Longwhiskers14 · 18/10/2020 09:56

Unsure33 It's the OP's house and last night she told him the relationship was over in no uncertain terms and that he had to get out today. Not sure how else he's meant to react?

VivaMiltonKeynes · 18/10/2020 09:58

@Littleideasbigbook

Thanks all - I do apologise for being so fraught and sweary last night. I managed a couple of hours sleep and feel calmer. DS2 has football at 9 so I am going to go out and don't have to speak to him, he is on the sofa downstairs.

I can see in hindsight that it looks like I am overreacting but it is just my last straw I think. She has a power and a hold over him and I just don't want to battle that. I deserve someone who isn't indulging that knowing my red line.

You didn't overreact ! There's been too many betrayals - let him go . You will in time be grateful that he has gone.
Keratinsmooth · 18/10/2020 09:59

I think his follow up actions would have been the deciding factor, if he continued no contact fine. He just picked up the phone, had a chat then came back to you. He didn’t meet her, I’m assuming he didn’t agree to future contact.

His moving out may be as a result of your reaction.

Cloudybean · 18/10/2020 10:00

He wanted to speak to her, so he did. You can 'forbid' him or whatever else, but his actions speak volumes. He still cards about her, the decision you need to make it whether that's something you can deal with, or whether it's better to walk away from him.

PlanDeRaccordement · 18/10/2020 10:05

My DH has an ex. They were fiancés and engaged to marry before she cheated on him and he left her. This same ex has tried repeatedly to lure my DH back. Even to the point of saying they could have an affair, she loves him and only needs to be a mistress. She would purposely bump into him, loiter outside his work, etc. Message him. This went on until we moved to another country.
But during that time, I never demanded he go NC with her because I trusted him not to cheat on me. He was very transparent and told me about all her attempts.
So, I can’t really advise that you leave your partner over an ex that is causing troubles. She wants you to break up with him. That is her goal so she can swoop in and take him for herself. Why give her the satisfaction? If you trust your partner, then just have a laugh over how pathetic she is and move on.

Redwinestillfine · 18/10/2020 10:09

Ask to see the message. Tell him he needed to shut her down. Why hasn't he blocked her number or changed his? How is she still able to track him down easily?

Redwinestillfine · 18/10/2020 10:12

'hi ex.... what's the emergency? No emergency? Well then you can't be phoning. We are no contact remember because you don't have boundaries. I'm going to go now. Please don't call again' is what he should have done and needs to do if this continues.

lazylump72 · 18/10/2020 10:14

Let him go OP ..he has too many unresolved issues to deal with ..don;t make the issues yours. I am sorry your dealing with this. You deserve more...