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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp just answered a call from his ex who has caused issues between us and was NC. AIBU?

198 replies

Littleideasbigbook · 17/10/2020 20:58

The phone rang about 10 mins ago. It was his ex and he showed me the screen and said 'Oh it is Xxxx it might be urgent' so I in shock said 'You better answer' now i can hear him up there laughing. As far as I know they haven't had contact since March after she sent him a message saying 'I'd go as far as to say I still love you'.

I am shaking. We had a nice dinner, wine and watching a film. Fuck. This. Shit.

OP posts:
LilyLongJohn · 18/10/2020 07:01

What he should have done, is not answer the phone jn the first place

If he felt he had to, he should have taken the call in front of you, found out what she wanted and tell her that he's in a relationship and to not call again

Then block her number

I don't think it's her trampling all over your boundaries op, it's your dp!

JSCM · 18/10/2020 07:18

She's not my cup of tea for reading material. My experience was a nice relationship (don't try to rebrand something you know nothing about and take my voice away just because you don't like it).

I hope Littleideas finds someone who respects her boundaries.

Roselilly36 · 18/10/2020 07:18

I can totally get why you are angry OP. Why didn’t he block her ages ago? There is no reason for them to remain in touch by the sound of things. Very strange indeed.

What on earth did his mum say when he was having a relationship with a 35 y o woman? And the woman’s son, just weird. Goodness me I have a 19 & 17 DS’ I wouldn’t like it one bit, I know neither of my DS’ would be interested in an older woman, they already have a mum.

Do what’s right for you OP, this woman won’t let go, every time she’s not in a relationship she will appear. Perhaps he’s flattered, but it’s upsetting you understandably, I am sure he wouldn’t like it either if the situation was reversed.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 18/10/2020 07:21

She will be texting all the time now as by chatting to her he has given the green light to restart communication.

What he should have done was answer and once he found out if was for nothing he should have said Please dont call me as im in a relationship now and i dont think it is appropriate

No way would i sit there having a chat with my Ex.
Unfortunately sounds like she may have weasled her way back into his life so i would send him packing to her.

Original poster
Littleideasbigbook · 18/10/2020 07:32

Thanks all - I do apologise for being so fraught and sweary last night. I managed a couple of hours sleep and feel calmer. DS2 has football at 9 so I am going to go out and don't have to speak to him, he is on the sofa downstairs.

I can see in hindsight that it looks like I am overreacting but it is just my last straw I think. She has a power and a hold over him and I just don't want to battle that. I deserve someone who isn't indulging that knowing my red line.

OP posts:
HelpOrHindrance · 18/10/2020 07:41

@Littleideasbigbook

What a fucking waste of 3 years. I am done with men relationships. They are all an absolute joke. I am never subjecting myself and more importantly, my DC to this ever again.
Do youlive together, or live apart with your children? Hopefully the latter. She sounds quite controlling and still has him on a lead doesn't she? An ex school teacher you say? Interesting. Have you heard of Mary Kay Letourneau? She couldn't stay away either
LuluJakey1 · 18/10/2020 07:47

Are you older than him or the same age? Just wondering about him and women.

HelpOrHindrance · 18/10/2020 07:47

@Greeneyes78

Hang on, have you chucked your partner out because he answered a phone call to his ex girlfriend, that you told him to answer and he laughed on the phone?
Are you his ex girlfriend? Hmm
Longwhiskers14 · 18/10/2020 08:08

I'm going to play Devil's advocate here and ask if you're sure you're not overreacting a tiny bit and that you're tossing away a good relationship just because he answered a call he thought might be bad news? Yes, the timing of the call was crap on a Saturday night, but is that his fault? He hasn't cheated on you with her, he hasn't spoken to her for months and if you sat him down today and calmly told him how upset you feel and you'd like him to block her number I bet he would.

Partners come with baggage, it's a fact of life. Why play into her hands by pushing him right back to her?

MeridianB · 18/10/2020 08:10

I don’t think you’re overreacting, OP. It’s all really disrespectful. He doesn’t seem to want to stop being under her spell, and that’s hurtful.

The ‘what?!’ Says so much.

Put yourself and your children first.

UntamedWisteria · 18/10/2020 08:24

Am I the only one who can't see an issue with one phone call with an ex, and that maybe it's the OP who has the problem here?

ShalomToYouJackie · 18/10/2020 08:29

@UntamedWisteria have you RTFT?

jessstan1 · 18/10/2020 08:31

[quote ShalomToYouJackie]@UntamedWisteria have you RTFT? [/quote]
Ditto.

curiouslypacific · 18/10/2020 08:37

OP, this sounds like a pattern of lying/minimising/disrespecting your boundaries over his ex - it's infuriating, but also done in such a way that he can make it look like you've overreacted. As ever its the context not the incident itself that's key.

Is he like this over other things, or is it just regarding his ex? I ask because it sounds like you left a previous abusive relationship and then you describe him as 'chipping away' at you when you initially said no to dating him. Respectful guys don't do that. They see that you're not interested/ready for a relationship and leave you be. If you've gone from a violent relationship he might seem like a good guy in comparison, but long term it still fucks you up being with a guy that doesn't care about your needs and manipulates you into going along with what he wants.

If that's not the case and he's otherwise a lovely respectful, trustworthy guy, then I'd at least try to have a calm discussion about how you felt he crossed a boundary you'd previously agreed on, which upset you. Listen to what he has to say - if he tries to lie or deny his way out of it, then the writing is on the wall. If he accepts why you feel that way, apologises and acknowledges he could have handled it better, then I'd try to move on and agree a better way to handle this going forward.

Fluffycloudland77 · 18/10/2020 08:39

You’ve had a lucky escape there.

RobertaTheGreat · 18/10/2020 08:40

It all sounds rather unhealthy. He sounds very weak, and used to having stronger/older women run his life. So she dumped him and he sat passively in a shared house, with no life, no friends until you came along and provided those things for him, and put a roof over his head. Have you also fallen into the mother role?

You're not over reacting to one phone call, I think you know this relationship isn't working. It's not a partnership of equals and he's too bonded to his ex/mother figure.

PatchworkElmer · 18/10/2020 08:40

Sounds like he was groomed and remains unable to break free from her.

MsKeats · 18/10/2020 08:42

He should have answered the phone and said "what is it?" when she said "I thought of you" he should have said I'm blocking you, don't phone again. But you have told him to go NC before and he won't -so yes, I would consider leaving him over this.

Lovemusic33 · 18/10/2020 08:42

Ditch him. If he doesn’t have children with this woman then there’s no need for him to have any contact with her. He shouldn’t have answered the call, her number should be blocked. If he had a ounce of consideration for your feelings he wouldn’t have took the call.

pictish · 18/10/2020 08:47

@Longwhiskers14

I'm going to play Devil's advocate here and ask if you're sure you're not overreacting a tiny bit and that you're tossing away a good relationship just because he answered a call he thought might be bad news? Yes, the timing of the call was crap on a Saturday night, but is that his fault? He hasn't cheated on you with her, he hasn't spoken to her for months and if you sat him down today and calmly told him how upset you feel and you'd like him to block her number I bet he would.

Partners come with baggage, it's a fact of life. Why play into her hands by pushing him right back to her?

I think this is a sensible post.

You told him to answer, he thought there might be a specific reason for the call. It does all sound very sordid with the age gap, the beating and him being kicked out and replaced...I agree with you. This is his past though and his experience to process...I don’t think he has to follow your instructions actually. Not many people would abruptly hang up in that scenario. Most would take the call.

I understand where you’re coming from but you are not his boss. You should try to approach this calmly as the poster suggests above.

diddl · 18/10/2020 08:58

Op, you can end a relationship for any reason you choose.

It's not working anymore.

Don't look at it as wasted years-presumably you've had some good times.

It might have worked out but it didn't.

It needs no more thought than that.

Onwards & upwards as they say.

MudCity · 18/10/2020 09:03

I agree that @Longwhiskers14 makes some very good points.

Your DP didn’t initiate this and hasn’t spoken with her in months. He also told you it was her on the phone rather than hide it.

I think this could be sorted by telling him clearly how you feel about her contact and how, from your perspective, this woman has the potential to ruin your life together. He doesn’t see it maybe because he likes to think the best of people and is possibly quite naive. It is also possible that he genuinely isn’t interested which is why he doesn’t see her as a threat to your relationship. However, he needs to know that being in a relationship means you have another person’s thoughts and feelings to take into account whether you agree with them or not.

Good luck.

diddl · 18/10/2020 09:07

"I think this could be sorted by telling him clearly how you feel about her contact and how, from your perspective, this woman has the potential to ruin your life together."

Oh he should know!

Why should Op be doing all the bloody work in the relationship?

Surely no relationship is better than putting up with this shit?

rainbowstardrops · 18/10/2020 09:12

If he'd answered the phone while he was sat next to you because he thought it might be something important then fine. You did tell him to. But to go upstairs to take the call, sit there laughing (when he knew it wasn't important) and then act like nothing had happened would push me over the edge too.
I wouldn't make any hasty decisions before talking to him but ultimately, it's only you that can decide if you can move past this. Good luck

Undercovermuvver · 18/10/2020 09:13

She might be his Mummy person. Just a thought. Shudder.