Dp just answered a call from his ex who has caused issues between us and was NC. AIBU?

[Littleideasbigbook]

The phone rang about 10 mins ago. It was his ex and he showed me the screen and said 'Oh it is Xxxx it might be urgent' so I in shock said 'You better answer' now i can hear him up there laughing. As far as I know they haven't had contact since March after she sent him a message saying 'I'd go as far as to say I still love you'.

I am shaking. We had a nice dinner, wine and watching a film. Fuck. This. Shit.

It's really surprising that he is so docilely accepting moving out right this minute. Was that REALLY his first contact with her since March?

Interesting that in effect he is insisting the relationship ends but blaming it on you! Let him go - he's no more than an over grown teenager. Pathetic. Help him pack and be cheerful and pragmatic.

And I suspect he's on the phone to her now, telling her he's homeless!

I reckon he could do better than both of you.

Your mum seems like a wise lady OP. It looks like somethings has been brewing in his mind. One thing, don't let him blame you for the breakup, it looks like he is using the incident as an elegant way to break up. And remember about sorting finances etc, not sure what is your arrangement on that front too.

I remember your swimming thread OP, looks like she's always going to be his priority in some strange way.

Just let him go, it won't end well for him, it's all rather sad really.

@Littleideasbigbook

Probably. She hadn't drunk for ages because they guy she was with is an alcoholic so its likely they have split up if she is drinking again.

9pm on a Saturday evening is probably a very calculated move on her part to ring. She is probably testing to see if he will jump and he did. Idiot.

Yes, it is a calculated move on her part. My ex's ex GF rang on a Saturday morning at 9.30am. A time when a couple who only see each other on the weekend would very probably be having sex. My ex jumped too. Also an idiot. He is now history, I hope this guy of yours is too.

He's been speaking to her throughout your relationship (until March), meeting up, going swimming, lying.. let him leave, gain control of your life again. He isn't worth your paranoia. Your mum is 100% correct. Speaking from experience there will be someone out there where it just ends up being natural and easy.

Sounds like your mum is talking a lot of common sense!

Him saying he is going now to buy moving boxes means one of two things

1. He expects you to panic and beg him to stay
2. He is moving straight in with his ex, especially given you think she has just broken up with someone.

I would have dumped after him lying to you and going swimming with her tbh. You are well rid and deserve much better

Your mum is totally right.

I suspect he will return without boxes and some excuse about not being able to get any, as he’s hoping you will beg him to stay. I hope for your sake you stay strong as he sounds all take and no give,

You deserve so much better.

Dh was with his ex for 22 years, they aren’t in contact with each other.

@MeridianB

Your mum is totally right.

I suspect he will return without boxes and some excuse about not being able to get any, as he’s hoping you will beg him to stay. I hope for your sake you stay strong as he sounds all take and no give,

You deserve so much better.

This. You're shocked he's said he'll move out so quickly. He's shocked you've 'let' him and not fought for him. This is all round unhealthy and over. The ex sounds disgraceful being with a 17 year old when they met let alone the fact she's a teacher. He's doing the frustrating thing when people say but I was worried about them / I was being nice etc. But wasn't worried about you or being nice to you when you told him it upset you. I would move on.

@Dominicgoings He didn't answer the phone in front of his partner. He left the room and went upstairs to talk to her.

The last time I let somone repeatedly push my boundaries and manipulate me I got broken ribs, a bite injury, sexually assaulted, removed from my home by the police never to return and a MARAC as a result. If people think I am overreacting or being difficult it is because I am. I feel really vulnerable. I may be over reacting. Manipulative and predatory people putting me in situations makes me feel really really uncomfortable.

Whoever said is this worth the paranoia and feeling like this is right. I feel off, really off and unintentionally or intentionally he has contributed to that. He has come back without boxes and said is there anything we can try to fix this. I don't think there is, I feel too weird about it all now.

Of course he came back with no boxes. He has a nice set up with you in your home, and the ex on the other end of his phone.

Omg her poor son as well. What an absolute creep! Sorry you’re going through this, and yes it does sound like he may need help getting free of her. Very sad story.

@Littleideasbigbook

Krampus yes, posted previously as she caused problems for 2 years before I put my foot down. Told him it was NC or we are through.

To be fair, HE caused problems for you for 2 yrs, by seeing her and lying about it.

If he is NC, why does he have her number?
Why isn't she blocked?
Why was he so happy to answer it?
Why, when he realised it wasn't urgent, did he then not say "no thanks" and hang up?

Because he WANTED to talk to her. Because he hasn't let her go. Therefore, he is the problem. You are putting all this on her, but not seeing that HE is in fact the issue, not her.

Sorry, I don't buy the "urgent" thing... he either is still seeing her or still talking to her. Her calling is not new, I think she just called at the "wrong" time this time.

He came back with no boxes because he doesn't really want to leave. It's just more manipulative behaviour and chipping away at your boundaries.

You are not overreacting. Listen to your mother

Stick to your guns, Littleideas! You don't need this man, he hasn't been living with you for long and his previous relationship was too off colour for words. Prioritise yourself and your children, set them an example.

Your mum speaks common sense and she knows the situation better than any of us.

He doesn't need to 'buy boxes', he can find cardboard boxes and just take a few bits, and suitcase and bags, for now - I presume he has a car - and get the rest later, preferably when you are not in.

The guy obviously needs some help but I don't think he should be looking for it from a woman who has children. He obviously was groomed and abused by an older woman when he was a youngster but probably doesn't feel that way; it's not uncommon for people who were in his position not to realise the full horror of their situation.

No boxes available? Give him some bin bags. Or suitcases, or anything!

For a long time, this relationship has made you unhappy. It (almost) doesn't matter if he is a twat and his ex is likely to be a recurring theme throughout his life. You have no children together, you aren't married and you own the house you live in. If the relationship doesn't make you happy then it has no purpose.

The more you post the more obvious it is that regardless of whether the call was a big deal or not, this is not the right relationship for you, @Littleideasbigbook.

Anything that makes you feel this bad is something that should be removed from your life. It’s as simple as that.

Let him deal with his own issues. You should prioritise you.

So manipulation attempt #1 didn't work. He's trying tknow get round you and will try manipulation attempt #2 (sunken fallacy 'don't throw away what we we have').

Your instincts are on the money OP. You feel manipulated because it is what he is trying to do. Get yourself free of this toxic mess. Your mum is absolutely right.

Reading some of the replies it's easy to see how some women end up in shit relationships!

Well done Op for having a line & not letting it be crossed.

Bet we can guess where he has been...