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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp just answered a call from his ex who has caused issues between us and was NC. AIBU?

198 replies

Littleideasbigbook · 17/10/2020 20:58

The phone rang about 10 mins ago. It was his ex and he showed me the screen and said 'Oh it is Xxxx it might be urgent' so I in shock said 'You better answer' now i can hear him up there laughing. As far as I know they haven't had contact since March after she sent him a message saying 'I'd go as far as to say I still love you'.

I am shaking. We had a nice dinner, wine and watching a film. Fuck. This. Shit.

OP posts:
Ulpo · 18/10/2020 10:16

He's going back to her.

Let him go. He sounds like a puppet on a string to me.

She should have been reported to have started a sexual relationship with a 17yo too if she was a teacher. Our guidelines say no relationships with under 18 no matter what school they go to.

pictish · 18/10/2020 10:18

This is a storm in a bloody teacup.

loulou0987 · 18/10/2020 10:25

What is the age difference between you and him?

Dominicgoings · 18/10/2020 10:32

Total over reaction on your part OP but probably best that he leaves.
You’ve fallen foul of the LTB brigade on MN. People tend to project their own relationship woes and get a sense of power from telling others to end their relationships when they can’t end their own.

Drunk dialling an ex isn’t a big deal.
Answering the phone to an ex ( in front of your partner) isn’t a big deal.
Laughing on the phone with your ex? Not a big deal.

The nature and dynamics of their past relationship is a bit odd. But it’s past. People are allowed to still have contact with an Ex.
You have your own issues around insecurity and probably self esteem given your own history. That’s something you can work on if you chose to.

But is this relationship really worth throwing away? If it is, it is. But if you’d posted to say you’d found a load of secret messages and you had NO idea they’d been in contact that would be different.
He answered the phone IN FRONT OF YOU!

Look after yourself, whatever you decide.

IJustWantSomeBees · 18/10/2020 10:39

You did the right thing OP. He has a history of being deceptive towards you regarding his ex and trampled all over your boundaries then tried to minimise it with his ‘what?’

It’s sad to see people telling you that you are overreacting but I guess it shows that there are a lot of people willing to put up with disrespectful behaviour

IJustWantSomeBees · 18/10/2020 10:45

Dominicgoings did you actually rtft? Context is everything and for very obvious reasons OP’s partner knows it is not alright for him to be nattering away with his ex.

Also big laughs at you telling OP that people are projecting whilst then going on to psyscho-analyse her and tell her she is troubled Grin

justilou1 · 18/10/2020 10:54

I think you are wanting him to tell you that he won’t be in contact with her anymore, and he is too spineless to tell you that he doesn’t want to do that. Your relationship is cactus op. I’m really sorry. Your partner has really big issues with this woman and he’s not man enough to admit it. He’s using her MH issues to pretend he’s a knight in shining armour. Reality is, he has his own matching set of MH issues if he can’t let go. They’re both pretty damn broken.

JaffaCake70 · 18/10/2020 11:00

I've just dumped my BF of 2 and a half years because he had an ex who insisted on ringing him every time I was with him. He would always take the call.

The final straw was when she rang him on my time (I only saw him fortnightly for the weekend) and asked him to help her with something. He got out of bed and went. Basically chose her over me.

Nip this in the bud OP. Tell him you want him to block her number, he has absolutely no reason to have it. They don't have kids together and there's no reason whatsoever for them to be in contact, EVER.

If he cares enough about you and your feelings, he will do as you ask. If he doesn't really give a shit about you (which my ex certainly didn't) you will know that you're living with a man who chooses an ex over you. Do you really want that? If not, walk away, dignity and pride intact.

Dominicgoings · 18/10/2020 11:02

@IJustWantSomeBees

Dominicgoings did you actually rtft? Context is everything and for very obvious reasons OP’s partner knows it is not alright for him to be nattering away with his ex.

Also big laughs at you telling OP that people are projecting whilst then going on to psyscho-analyse her and tell her she is troubled Grin

Can you show me where I told the OP she was ‘troubled’ Hmm

The OP referenced a previous relationship If you’d ‘RTFT’ yourself you’d know that such a relationship has a huge impact on your perceptions and responses to situations going forwards.

HTH Wink

fassbendersmistress · 18/10/2020 11:05

@Littleideasbigbook

I am stood at the side of a football pitch so please ignore typos.

So he came upstairs and apologised, said he has handled it badly and has been stupid and he had responded to her text message saying they have to continue being no contact. But he feels worried about her because she is mentally unwell and wanted to be polite. He agreed she is manipulative. I pointed out calmly that I am really hurt and that he has been 'stupid' a few times now. Pointed out she doesn't respect his life or his relationship or his feelings. He agreed but because I said it is over last night he thinks he should move out. I said I am conflicted because I love him but don't want to keep getting hurt. He left to buy moving boxes as I left. So I guess that is it.

OP, if he said he told her “we have to stop contact” that is very worrying. Huge red flag at this stage.

He should be messaged her saying “I do not want any more contact with you. I am not interested. I want you out if my life” etc...It has to come from him and not a pathetic mixed message suggesting that they have to stop contact because it’s not allowed.

He is trying to manipulate you and I suspect the moving out and boxes talk is hyperbole designed to make you panic. Ignore and let him move on. It will be hard but you’ll be much happier on the other side.

ivykaty44 · 18/10/2020 11:10

She is a sad old woman and trying her best to wreck his life for him
He is living the attention she’s giving him

What you need to decide is whether it interferes with your life

Igotmyholiday · 18/10/2020 11:12

I think going to buy boxes is just a ploy to make you worried and beg him to stay. I don't think the ex is the only manipulative one here, you're well shot

JaffaCake70 · 18/10/2020 11:13

@IJustWantSomeBees

You did the right thing OP. He has a history of being deceptive towards you regarding his ex and trampled all over your boundaries then tried to minimise it with his ‘what?’

It’s sad to see people telling you that you are overreacting but I guess it shows that there are a lot of people willing to put up with disrespectful behaviour

This.

A lot of people have weak boundaries and put up with a lot of disrespectful behaviour. Some of the people who are telling you that you're over reacting are probably people who like to stay in touch with their ex's. They are projecting their own feelings about this kind of situation on to you.

Personally, I see no reason to be in touch with an ex unless you have kids together. To stay in touch with an ex is disrespectful towards your new partner and also, to your ex's new partner (if they have one).

As I said, different people have different boundaries. What you really have to do OP is listen to that inner voice that tells you whether or not something is sitting right with YOU. It's not about what anyone on here thinks or feels, it's about how it's making YOU feel. If YOU don't like it and it makes you feel uncomfortable, then YOU are perfectly within your rights to tell him that if he doesn't respect your boundaries, you will seriously be thinking about whether or not you two are right for each other.

With love OP. I've been there, and it's shit.

fassbendersmistress · 18/10/2020 11:14

@Dominicgoings

Total over reaction on your part OP but probably best that he leaves. You’ve fallen foul of the LTB brigade on MN. People tend to project their own relationship woes and get a sense of power from telling others to end their relationships when they can’t end their own.

Drunk dialling an ex isn’t a big deal.
Answering the phone to an ex ( in front of your partner) isn’t a big deal.
Laughing on the phone with your ex? Not a big deal.

The nature and dynamics of their past relationship is a bit odd. But it’s past. People are allowed to still have contact with an Ex.
You have your own issues around insecurity and probably self esteem given your own history. That’s something you can work on if you chose to.

But is this relationship really worth throwing away? If it is, it is. But if you’d posted to say you’d found a load of secret messages and you had NO idea they’d been in contact that would be different.
He answered the phone IN FRONT OF YOU!

Look after yourself, whatever you decide.

OP was having a nice dinner with wine with her BF and he takes a call from an ex who 6 months ago told him she still loved him. An ex who has already caused problems in their relationship. with. He left the room to chat and laugh...collectively this is all a big deal. He’s a disrespectful chump who needs to grow up and learn a bit about boundaries. I don’t think OP is overreacting at all.
rainbowstardrops · 18/10/2020 11:15

Well he didn't need telling twice did he?
I imagine he'll be moving in with her asap. Maybe you've had a lucky escape Thanks

ivykaty44 · 18/10/2020 11:15

He is not helping her mental health by answering the phone

If he is really concerned then he should let the phone ring out, then text to say is there an emergency?

Again if she tries to telephone her shouldn’t be answering But texting saying what is the emergency?

By distancing himself she can get the help and professional help she needs - if he keeps helping then he’ll make matters worse and she’ll not get proper help

Original poster
Littleideasbigbook · 18/10/2020 11:17

7 years age difference between us. Which was why I was reluctant at the start.

I just spoke to my mum at football and she pointed out that if we were both happy in the relationship this would be an issue that we would both roll our eyes at and deal with together but instead we are at odds and it is coming between us. If we were solid that wouldn't happen. She is right. My mum has been married to my dad since she was 16 (40 years) so I think I should listen to her and let it go.

OP posts:
StitchInTimeSavesNine · 18/10/2020 11:17

I'd be astonished if he was actually going out to buy moving boxes. He's trying to gain the upper hand.

GreyGoose1980 · 18/10/2020 11:19

IMO you did nothing wrong in initially not protesting when he answer the call and assuming it was an emergency (Ie serious medical situation). I would have done the same, it just shows you are the better person. However as soon as he realised it was just a social call he should have ended the call immediately and I think It’s a definite red flag that he did not.

Wereeaglesdare · 18/10/2020 11:21

Do you not think it's a bit convenient. He speaks to his ex finds out she's newly single. You have a fight and now he is packing his boxes because in his mind it is the only way. Hmm me thinks he's gone to plan b cos you wouldn't play second fiddle from let's face it a fucking paedo at the end of the day. Raise your head up focus on your kid and build your self esteem up.
If you continue with this you will feel shit about yourself every time. He doesn't sound worth it.

StitchInTimeSavesNine · 18/10/2020 11:22

Your mum is right. It should have been you and him as the unit and the ex as the outsider last night.

I understand why you both thought answering the call was the right thing to do but when he realised it wasn't life and death he should have returned mentally to the you and him unit and got on with the nice time he was having with you, the person he is supposed to want to be with.

JaffaCake70 · 18/10/2020 11:23

@ReneeRol

It doesn't matter that she called, the problem is he answered knowing the issues she's caused in the past. She can't cause any trouble without his full participation.
I feel exactly the same OP. It's taken me to the age of 50, and numerous shit relationships, to finally throw the towel in. I've had it.

How old are you OP?

I feel for you, I honestly really do.

ballsdeep · 18/10/2020 11:24

@Littleideasbigbook

They met up a lot, which I knew about but he lied about some of what they did together e.g. said they went for a walk but they went swimming.

Arranged to meet up without telling me etc. She messaged him inappropriate things such as 'I still love you but I had to let you go'. She constantly trampled on my boundaries. Some of what he has told me about the start of their relationship leads me to believe she groomed him. She is a secondary scholl teacher ffs (not his).

I should have kept my guard up. I didn't go for it after our first date because of his baggage and I had come out of a marriage in 2014 where i had bones broken so was very wary but he chipped away Sad. Could kick myself.

This makes me feel sick .
JaffaCake70 · 18/10/2020 11:25

@ReneeRol Sorry, my comment was meant for the OP's comment about giving up on men.

MotherofTerriers · 18/10/2020 11:25

OP, either he is off to buy boxes and is moving out sharpish, in which case he wasn't committed to you or he's threatening to move out so that you back down and accept contact between him and his ex. Neither scenario sounds good to me, I'd let him go