Dp just answered a call from his ex who has caused issues between us and was NC. AIBU?

[Littleideasbigbook]

The phone rang about 10 mins ago. It was his ex and he showed me the screen and said 'Oh it is Xxxx it might be urgent' so I in shock said 'You better answer' now i can hear him up there laughing. As far as I know they haven't had contact since March after she sent him a message saying 'I'd go as far as to say I still love you'.

I am shaking. We had a nice dinner, wine and watching a film. Fuck. This. Shit.

Why was she not blocked do you think he has genuinely been NC?

Christ OP I feel for you. My Dh was in a emotionally abusive relationship 8 years back(she was, not him) and if this happened I would hit the roof.
Its messy and complicated because this woman is a monster but you must lay down your boundaries and not let either of them poke a toe over that line

@BessieSurtees probably because I didn't give him explicit instructions not to block her. I just saud if you remain in touch that is your choice but we won't be in a relationship.

He chose to engage with her so he has made his choice.

Sorry about all the typos and swearing. I am so angry. I could explode.

Does the home belong to you, op? If it does, send him packing tonight. I would.

Yes Aqua, all mine (thank god). We were looking for houses to buy. Not anymore! Maybe it is a sign? It is a bloody good one!

I agree, he is the problem. Definitely get rid.

(And are you sure he’s really been no contact with her since whenever? Doesn’t ring true to me!)

Thank fuck the home is yours because this makes it so much easier. I'd be tossing his shit to the kerb right about now.

He is going tomorrow. I can't sleep why are people so weird? He sat on his own, in a shared house, in a new rough town with no friends for nearly 2 years because she kicked him out. She had a new bf within 2 weeks of them breaking up.

I have given him a lovely family home in a rural area, he got a whole new social circle, we had a lovely life. Why risk all that? It it non sensical.

Has she recently become single?

Probably. She hadn't drunk for ages because they guy she was with is an alcoholic so its likely they have split up if she is drinking again.

9pm on a Saturday evening is probably a very calculated move on her part to ring. She is probably testing to see if he will jump and he did. Idiot.

I thought he was NC because I foolishly trusted him. She immediately messaged him after too as his phone pinged and he never gets messages.

Sorry you can't sleep. Stick to your guns OP You prob know there is more to this story than he's letting on.

Well they were together for 13 years, during which he grew up. She’s possibly like a mother figure.
Definitely a different dynamic.
But why do you feel threatened by this?
She’s part of his history.

Because she keeps coming back into the present. So not a part of history at all.

@Littleideasbigbook

Because she keeps coming back into the present. So not a part of history at all.

She pulls his strings. It's a power thing. She probably does not want him, but she knows the effect it has upon you. He should know this

No she isn't past history at all as long as he keeps talking to her.

I need to say this here too...you should not need to explain to a reasonable adult why this behaviour is unacceptable.

A reasonable person would have hung up after finding out that there was no emergency. Come back in to you, said how ridiculous she was and blocked her completely.

This sounds planned, by telling him to answer, he now feels that he has your permission.

The thing is, once the dust settles, you might doubt yourself and consider his excuses as reasonable. You may be made to feel like the unreasonable one. But this is about respect and commitment and he has neither for you, clearly.

Oh dear I am actually sorry for him! 17 years old. She knows how to pull his strings indeed, and she will always have the upper hand on him. At least he realizes himself what she is doing to him.
But this woman does not get to pull any of your strings OP. He has lied to you about her before. He knew just a few seconds after answering that was no urgent. He could have put the phone down and get own with his very own life. Actually, he should never ever answer to her, ever. Take care of yourself OP. No all men are like this. You will find the one for you. Be strong and

So sorry @Littleideasbigbook what an arse he is!! And I have no words to describe a middle school teacher who would date a teenager......

After 13 years she kicked him out not quite 3 years ago and he sat on his own for 2 of those years and was still in contact up until March this year when she said she still loved him?

There is an imbalance of power in their relationship and he’s not over her. Does he have family or has he been reliant on her all of these years?

Sorry you are going through this @Littleideasbigbook

Sorry, it was 4 years ago they split up. I typrd the wrong year. Nov 2016. We got together 3 years this January coming. He lived in the shared house up until September 2019 when he moved in with me. Yes, he was in contact with her until March.

Should have listened to my gut.

Given the power dynamic and the fact that they were in contact throughout much of your relationship I can understand why you were wary,

We all say we should have listened to our gut but we are human and hope that things will turn out right, we have to take a leap of faith sometimes.

If he was 17 and she was 35 then she groomed him. He was still practically a child. He probably has unresolved complex emotional issues resulting from this and probably could do with seeing a therapist.

Thank you @BessieSurtees

My 3am tired, upset brain wants to message her query partner and say 'She is drunk and phoning my DP saying shit, maybe you could ask her to act like she is in her 50's not a teenager and leave him to get on with adulthood alone ffs'. I know that is a terrible idea though.