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Original poster

Dp just answered a call from his ex who has caused issues between us and was NC. AIBU?

198 replies

Littleideasbigbook · 17/10/2020 20:58

The phone rang about 10 mins ago. It was his ex and he showed me the screen and said 'Oh it is Xxxx it might be urgent' so I in shock said 'You better answer' now i can hear him up there laughing. As far as I know they haven't had contact since March after she sent him a message saying 'I'd go as far as to say I still love you'.

I am shaking. We had a nice dinner, wine and watching a film. Fuck. This. Shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littleideasbigbook · 18/10/2020 02:47

She was married (second time) when she met him and has form for overlaps in her relationships. He husband beat him up badly when he found out. He has so much unresolved stuff.

OP posts:
Wereeaglesdare · 18/10/2020 03:01

Don't be feeling sorry for him! groomed or not he's a grown ass man now and I say that as someone who was groomed from an early age and in that scenario the only news I hope I would be getting is the bastard is dead. But saying that I think men and women operate differently. you use that anger because your going to need it for the sob story in morning. Get him to pack all of his shit and get to fuck. This is blatent disrespect and now he's lost something great. Just be glad you didn't spend any more time on this absolute loser. In time you will trust again just not someone who's ex is still heavily involved in their lives.
Please don't try to analyse him or give him excuses he's a dick plain and simple and i think even if he promises u the world he will be messaging and ringing her on the sly.

Anordinarymum · 18/10/2020 03:08

@Wereeaglesdare

Don't be feeling sorry for him! groomed or not he's a grown ass man now and I say that as someone who was groomed from an early age and in that scenario the only news I hope I would be getting is the bastard is dead. But saying that I think men and women operate differently. you use that anger because your going to need it for the sob story in morning. Get him to pack all of his shit and get to fuck. This is blatent disrespect and now he's lost something great. Just be glad you didn't spend any more time on this absolute loser. In time you will trust again just not someone who's ex is still heavily involved in their lives. Please don't try to analyse him or give him excuses he's a dick plain and simple and i think even if he promises u the world he will be messaging and ringing her on the sly.
I have just reread the whole thread hoping that there may be a glimmer of something tangible for them to work on but there isn't and I second what you have just said
Greeneyes78 · 18/10/2020 03:12

Hang on, have you chucked your partner out because he answered a phone call to his ex girlfriend, that you told him to answer and he laughed on the phone?

BessieSurtees · 18/10/2020 03:15

Oh ffs green eyes rtft

Taikoo · 18/10/2020 03:23

You need to get him out of your house.
He sounds like too much of a project and life is too short to be managing his shit.
Honestly, tip him out before he has a claim on your place.

Foward · 18/10/2020 03:26

Sleep on it

OhCaptain · 18/10/2020 03:31

Go to sleep if you can @Littleideasbigbook.

This whole shit show reads like bad fan fic of 50 Shades Of Grey. Not worth worrying about at 3 am.

HopesMama32 · 18/10/2020 03:43

@Ohcaptain exactly what I was thinking!

user1481840227 · 18/10/2020 03:48

If he was groomed then he could have some very complex emotional ties with her.
That doesn't mean you have to stick around and put up with it or help him break from it....but should help you understand it!

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 18/10/2020 04:04

Well I think your overreacting, clearly not secure in your own relationship with him if all one call from his ex takes to wind you up. I mean this with kindness @Littleideasbigbook she rang him not fucked him behind your back, he knows your jealous and you reacted the way she probably predicted, try a bit of reverse psychology and invite her round for coffee. I guarantee you will never hear from her again.

VeggieSausageRoll · 18/10/2020 04:12

The ex phoned, you told him to answer it and now you're kicking him out because he answered the phone? Confused

Original poster
Littleideasbigbook · 18/10/2020 04:41

It wasn't answering the phone that was the problem. It was him going upstairs to answer and the laughing along when he realised it was just a pissed up 'I have been thinking about you call'. When I gave him an ultimatum in March it was because they have blurred boundaries (she told him she still loved him ffs) if you are cool with your partners ex phoning him pissed and him being more bothered about her feelings, well done you. No, I am not secure in my relationship because of him and her and the way they are more bothered about playing out their sordid grooming based Romeo and Juliet while I stand watching. No thanks.

OP posts:
Horehound · 18/10/2020 04:48

Yeh get rid. Lucky escape before buying a house.

I can just imagine the "what" as he came in the door. Patronising..

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/10/2020 05:04

It sounds to me that part of him is still stuck as a child and you / this woman adults / quasi parents. She pulls his strings. You tell him to go NC or the relationship is over. Then you give him permission to answer the call. By the sound of it this is due to her manipulative nature and grooming him at 17.

Good on you for realising this dynamic is not for you. You haven’t wasted 3 years. You have found your boundaries.

Anordinarymum · 18/10/2020 05:12

And.. (because I have fully invested myself in this now), it's because she knows she can pull the strings and still does it knowing he is complicit that the OP has to cut herself off from this.

This woman is treating him like a pawn, and he is flattered by it and probably getting off on OP being jealous.
The whole scenario stinks to be honest.

Lemonylemony · 18/10/2020 05:23

I agree with the instant takeaway that ending a relationship because your partner answers a phone call you told him to answer sounds slightly mad, but in wider context is much clearer! Why was her number even in his phone and able to call him.

You haven’t wasted 3 years. You have found your boundaries.
This is the mentality to aim for. What you can take from the experience, what have you learned, how it has helped you grow, there must have been good memories, and move the fuck on now you’ve realised you don’t want to continue as his substitute-mum-partner/emotional-support-therapist/bit-part in their drama.

If you do end the relationship though I suggest blocking all social media etc otherwise it would be too easy to torture yourself as you know where he’ll instantly run to if you break up with him.

Hangingover · 18/10/2020 05:30

I think you might be overreacting.

DP has a very needy ex as well and it has caused friction between be he's so reluctant to upset her but I do think answering a call and laughing sounds like the worst crime in the world. He said he answered because he thought it was something urgent... Maybe he just laughed out of politeness or awkwardness. I couldn't count how many times I've laughed on the phone to someone I'm trying to get rid of.

MsDogLady · 18/10/2020 05:54

OP, I am sorry that he has once again disrespected you with his Ex. I well remember your threads detailing his emotional disloyalty. He will likely always be in thrall to her. Tonight would be the end for me.

JSCM · 18/10/2020 06:31

When I was 17 I had a relationship with a man in his 30s. He didn't groom me and it was lovely and we are still friends because the relationship had lots of respect and he is one of the better boyfriends I ever had.

I'm only saying this because I wonder if you're framing his relationship as grooming etc to give him an excuse and put the blame in her. I think he's just not interested in your boundary and doing what he wants and that is all on him. Blocking is easy as anything and chose not to. To be honest it's not new because he did it to begin with.

jessstan1 · 18/10/2020 06:43

Littledees:He was 17, she was 35 when they got together

Sandy: This makes me feel very uncomfortable and quite frankly....disgusted.
......
Yeah. 17 is, well, a sixth former. A 20 year old maybe, at least would be more of a man than a boy. What is more, they went on to get married! Very odd. I'm surprised his parents didn't stop it.

Is she a part mother figure/part dominatrix?

I don't blame you for being suspicious, the woman has a hold over your man. Do you know why they broke up?

jessstan1 · 18/10/2020 06:47

JSCM Sun 18-Oct-20 06:31:11
When I was 17 I had a relationship with a man in his 30s. He didn't groom me and it was lovely and we are still friends because the relationship had lots of respect and he is one of the better boyfriends I ever had.
......
Funnily enough, Brooke Magnanti says the same thing.

jessstan1 · 18/10/2020 06:50

@Littleideasbigbook

He is going tomorrow. I can't sleep Sad why are people so weird? He sat on his own, in a shared house, in a new rough town with no friends for nearly 2 years because she kicked him out. She had a new bf within 2 weeks of them breaking up.

I have given him a lovely family home in a rural area, he got a whole new social circle, we had a lovely life. Why risk all that? It it non sensical.

You will find someone else who is worthy of you and doesn't carry so much baggage, in time. You really will! You're young, be free.
Deereamer · 18/10/2020 06:53

This exact scenario happened to me once - although we didn’t live together so it was much easier to deal with. I got my bag, went home and never saw him again. I’ve no idea how long it took him to notice that I was gone. His ex used to create excuses to ring him - every Christmas she would ring him and invent an ailment. She told him (and their teenagers kids) that she had cancer one year. She didn’t but obviously he quite rightly went to comfort his kids. The next year she announced that the doc had said that she was likely to have a brain haemorrhage. I always went along with it but something changed that night. I could hear him chatting to her - just general chit chat - what they’d had for tea, stuff like that. Straw that broke the camels back I guess.

Gooseybby · 18/10/2020 06:57

Bin him off, lucky escape!!