Considering an open relationship.

[preacherman]

I've NCed.

DH and I got married very very young (pre 18.) I had a lot of sexual partners before I met him, and he only had one drunken one-night-stand with a friend before meeting me. He's a very monogamous, traditional person and I don't know what I am- he's always been keen on a long term relationship / marriage / kids etc.

Every six months the issue of having an open relationship keeps cropping up (something that I possibly want and something he possibly doesn't want). He's essentially saying, "Let's do it so we can stop talking about it" and saying that having to talk about an open relationship constantly is worse than just having an open relationship.

I feel a bit lost. Every time we've had these conversations and come to the conclusion that we'll have an open relationship, sometime during the next day I decide it's not worth the difficulty, but it keeps cropping up time and time again and I can't shake the feeling. Maybe it's to do with my MH issues, but my MH is a lot better recently and I don't know what could be causing it.

I know that open relationships on here are NOT popular, nor is the success rate high, especially when it's from a previously monogamous marriage & one partner gets more out of it.
I'm not necessarily asking for advice on having an open relationship, more what could be causing me to feel like I need one and how to stop that thing from cropping up again (I understand this whole post may make me sound like a shit person, which I admittedly might be, but I promise I'm genuinely trying to sort myself out).

Divorce doesn't really seem like an option, if that's anyone's first thought.

Both have to be in 100% agreement for this to work.

What is your marriage like? Is it lacking in intimacy?

I would say in most cases when one is agreed, it will because one of the parties has gone along with it so as not to upset the other. In this case it will be your DH. An open relationship will almost certainly favour a woman too if it is her who wants it because men have few morals and would be lining up for a shag. Women wouldn’t be so keen on getting into a relationship with a married man.

I think you would be better exploring your issues with a counsellor to see what is causing this feeling.

Your H wants monogomy. So you should choose between staying with him and having the option to have sex with / date / have relationships with others.

It’s grim, especially for him, to keep talking about it.

You don’t ‘need’ to have both your H and others. You WANT to.

@KLF6 Thank you for replying. We've got a lot of emotional intimacy and connection, but we don't have a lot of sex (partially my fault but we have some sexual incompatibilities in some ways).

I think it might be a replacement self destructive behaviour - I didn't use sex healthily when I was young so maybe it's the desire to hurt myself again. I know it's not a good foundation to build anything off of, but I have no idea how to fix it.

I've done some counselling before, but the only counselling that worked was private counselling (which is a lot more than I can afford right now). NHS waitlist for any kind of counselling takes a fucking age as well, and I would by no means be a priority as I'm not actively suicidal.

I think the thoughts you are having are perfectly normal. Humans at their core aren’t want to be monogamous with one partner for life. And like with everything - some people crave more variety, some less.
Having met too young - even with your ‘many sexual partners by 18’ - you could have not really had much experience with adult mature partners. Usually people spend their biological sexual prime (20s) - exploring and then settling down in their 30s. You skipped that and now it’s catching up with you.
Interestingly - a couple of people in some versions of open relationships are the same as you - married very young abs deciding to open up marriages as time went on, to make sure they go the distance. For them, it works.

There are different ways to do it though. One of the couples I know is a more traditional open marriage, where both have occasional other partners. The other couple is on Killing Kittens - and sometimes meet other couples, or singles for 3/4somes.

Open marriage may or may not work for you OP. And the fantasy of other partners may be better in your head than the reality. But it’s good that you are both honest enough to be able to talk about it as a couple. It says a lot about the strength of your relationship.

You can only figure things out if you try.

Given the current situation - there isn’t much you can do if you are in the U.K. anyway. But you can join a site like KK, or find a swinging site and see how chatting to other people about potentially doing something would make you two feel. And go from there

I'm place marking so I can reply properly later. Husband and I have an open relationship. Right now trying to get kids to school! I'll be back!

@dozer That's true, but if we're being technical, nobody needs any kind of relationship. Most relationships are a bit give and take. I'm not defending my position necessarily, I just think relationships are usually "want", monogamous or otherwise. I can understand what you mean though.

@josuk

I did have quite a few relationships with "adult mature partners" (which I have very mixed feelings about, truthfully). Thank you for what you've said, I'll have a look at the sites and have a think. I don't want to hurt anybody. x

@Heartofstrings Thank you, looking forward to hearing your experiences. x

What do you mean the conversation keeps ‘cropping up’. It’s not a normal conversation to keep having in a relationship. Who is the one that keeps bringing it up?

If your Dh isn’t on board then you have to let it go. In fact constantly pursuing this as an idea could be seen as coercion.

If a poster posted here saying her dh kept pressuring her into an open relationship she would be told to set him free to shag whoever he wanted.

Essentially pressuring for an open relationship is saying that you want to cheat on him constantly but that if he knows about it then that justifies it.

@Scweltish I keep bringing it up. It's not as a response to anything, it's just something that I keep feeling and I mention it to him if the feeling doesn't go away after a certain timeframe. You're probably right, it's not necessarily normal.

If you're both on board then there's no reason not to arrange your relationship in whatever way suits, but dragging one partner along reluctantly would be a recipe for disaster.

The fact you had a string of sexual partners before you married and were still legally a child on marriage would have me wondering if there is something deeper you need to access proper support for.

The fact that your husband wants to "just do it so we can stop talking about it" means that it will never work. Ethical nonmonogamy requires a boatload of communication. Don't ask, don't tell is absolutely not a viable approach.

I've been in open relationships before. It's my preference, tbh. But when i started dating my husband he was clear it's not an option for him. 8 years later we're still in a monogamous relationship. I'd pick true love (urgh, listen to me!) over a bit of strange any day of the week. If you wouldn't, or don't think your husband alone is enough, then you do need to consider divorce.

Tbh i feel so, so sorry for your OH here. It must be miserable, knowing that your wife wants something you can't comfortably give her, when she isn't taking the hints you're giving that you don't want to do it.

It's perfectly fine to be non monogamous in nature, if that's what you are, though the way you talk about sex and not love/relationships with others suggests it might be more complex than that. However it's not fine to corral your monogamous partner into allowing you to be non monogamous against their wishes and nature.

You either need to be monogamous with him or separate.

@AlternativePerspective I don't think I'm pressuring him, at least intentionally by any means. We have a lot of open communication and if he's feeling anything that relates to the relationship then we usually have a conversation, and vice versa.
I'm not trying to enforce that he does anything (and I'm also trying to start this thread in an attempt to figure out why I want these things so that if it's an artificial feeling or impulse I don't have to subject either of us to an open relationship / break up etc).

Tbh I liken it to a partner constantly wanting their partner to do sexual things with them they’re not comfortable with.

It’s similar to a partner pressuring for sex or for certain sexual acts and them going along with it for a quiet life.

The DH saying just to do it essentially means the dh will sit back and accept the oP shag whoever she wants while he doesn’t want to do the same.

It’s a pretty shit way to treat another human being, and if you can’t and don’t want to be monogamous then you really should divorce him.

My guess is you seat your centre of esteem outside yourself. Its dependent of other people's opinion of you and Therefore you need the admiration. Coupled with any self destructive tendencies it's not a healthy situation. You need to work on your self esteem being an internal thing.

[quote preacherman]@AlternativePerspective I don't think I'm pressuring him, at least intentionally by any means. We have a lot of open communication and if he's feeling anything that relates to the relationship then we usually have a conversation, and vice versa.
I'm not trying to enforce that he does anything (and I'm also trying to start this thread in an attempt to figure out why I want these things so that if it's an artificial feeling or impulse I don't have to subject either of us to an open relationship / break up etc).[/quote]
Of course you are. You keep bringing it up, you're the one who wants it, he says he'll agree just to shut you up. That's obviously pressuring.

@LolaSmiles I'd say I've got some emotional damage there, I think you're right yeah. Some bad stuff happened which maybe interlinks.

@Ohalrightthen I feel sorry for him too. I am taking the hints but I don't know how to stop feeling a certain way. If I could remove or repress or do anything to get rid of having these feelings I would 100% do it instantly. I don't have any desire to hurt him, and I want to sort out the fact that I am currently hurting him.

You’re being naive. Of course you’re pressuring him.

Going quiet and reflective to the point he asks you what’s wrong and then essentially telling him you want to have an open relationship is pressure, and coercive control. As he’s not on board with it it’s pretty abusive behaviour in fact.

If you genuinely love him then you need to seek professional help to deal with this. Possibly even couples counselling to enable him to express his feelings of inadequacy when you essentially tell him he’s not enough for you.

@AlternativePerspective
@CodenameVillanelle

Maybe I am being a shit person for talking to him about it. I'm not trying to pressure him, but I've probably indirectly done that.
I don't know what the healthiest solution is really.

@Hazelnutlatteplease Do you have any suggestions on how to work on internal self esteem?

I don't know what the healthiest solution is really. let him go to find someone who won’t treat him like this.

It won't work because that's not the type of relationship he wants. You need both parties to want it.

@AlternativePerspective
I'm REALLY trying. Maybe to a stranger on the internet I seem like a horrible, evil person who's trying to coercively control her husband and abuse him, but I'm REALLY trying to be better. What do you suggest would make things better? How can I stop feeling this way? I'm really keen to know, because throwing around labels about what a shit person I am doesn't help anybody (least of all my husband!)

My husband absolutely deserves better, so I'm interested to know how to be better rather than just getting divorced.