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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Considering an open relationship.

191 replies

preacherman · 16/10/2020 07:33

I've NCed.

DH and I got married very very young (pre 18.) I had a lot of sexual partners before I met him, and he only had one drunken one-night-stand with a friend before meeting me. He's a very monogamous, traditional person and I don't know what I am- he's always been keen on a long term relationship / marriage / kids etc.

Every six months the issue of having an open relationship keeps cropping up (something that I possibly want and something he possibly doesn't want). He's essentially saying, "Let's do it so we can stop talking about it" and saying that having to talk about an open relationship constantly is worse than just having an open relationship.

I feel a bit lost. Every time we've had these conversations and come to the conclusion that we'll have an open relationship, sometime during the next day I decide it's not worth the difficulty, but it keeps cropping up time and time again and I can't shake the feeling. Maybe it's to do with my MH issues, but my MH is a lot better recently and I don't know what could be causing it.

I know that open relationships on here are NOT popular, nor is the success rate high, especially when it's from a previously monogamous marriage & one partner gets more out of it.
I'm not necessarily asking for advice on having an open relationship, more what could be causing me to feel like I need one and how to stop that thing from cropping up again (I understand this whole post may make me sound like a shit person, which I admittedly might be, but I promise I'm genuinely trying to sort myself out).

Divorce doesn't really seem like an option, if that's anyone's first thought.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 16/10/2020 08:13

You say divorce isn’t an option, when divorce is always an option. You need counselling ASAP and if you value your marriage then you need to find a way to pay for it.

AlternativePerspective · 16/10/2020 08:15

Honestly? This is obviously the person you are. You’re not a monogamist and that’s ok, but if you’re not then you need to seek relationships with people who are not monogamous either.

You can’t help the way you feel, it’s who you are. And you shouldn’t change for someone else. So what you should doo is change the circumstances so you can live the life you want to.

Your DH has already been told by you that he’s not good enough, that you don’t want to be with only him and that your marriage isn’t enough for you.

Even if you try to work through this the rejection he feels isn’t likely to just go away.

Realistically your best option would be to divorce, and have open and honest discussions with the men you get involved with to make sure you’re on the same page before you enter into any kind of commitment.

Original poster
preacherman · 16/10/2020 08:17

@AgentJohnson I literally don't think I can pay for it. I massively want to get counselling, but I can't pay a counsellor in good intentions.
If anyone knows any free (or cheaper-than-private) counselling services or even online support groups or anything similar that would be very appreciated, but right now I'm bare bones money-wise.

OP posts:
annabel85 · 16/10/2020 08:18

@KLF6

Both have to be in 100% agreement for this to work.

What is your marriage like? Is it lacking in intimacy?

I would say in most cases when one is agreed, it will because one of the parties has gone along with it so as not to upset the other. In this case it will be your DH. An open relationship will almost certainly favour a woman too if it is her who wants it because men have few morals and would be lining up for a shag. Women wouldn’t be so keen on getting into a relationship with a married man.

I think you would be better exploring your issues with a counsellor to see what is causing this feeling.

It's not really about morals it's just a lot easier on average for women to get sex. Do you think some male married footballer or big celebrity would have trouble finding a bit on the side?
Original poster
preacherman · 16/10/2020 08:21

@AlternativePerspective

"Your DH has already been told by you that he's not good enough".
I agree and appreciate everything else you've said in that post, but why this? If anyone's not good enough, it's me, but open relationships or things in that nature aren't usually because you don't value your partner. I love and appreciate him (I really do) I just don't know why I'm like this.

I acknowledge the rest of what you've said though, and I guess I have to think of divorce as a concept, mostly for his sake.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 16/10/2020 08:22

You've said you have MH problems, that you may have used sex to try to deal with them, and that you subject it's possible you'd be trying to do so again. You mentioned "hurting yourself" I think.

You also said "bad stuff" happened to you.

For those reasons, I'd say step away from all ideas of polygamy/polyamory, whatever ... And try to work on the MH problems.

GilbertMarkham · 16/10/2020 08:22

*suspect

Enko · 16/10/2020 08:24

The 2 couples i know who have a open relationship are the 2 most solid relationships i know off. However, the reason for this is they jointly wanted the open relationship they speak freely with one another other and they communicate freely about their relationships.

What you are describing here suggest to me that there will be issues. You really both have to want that lifestyle

Ohalrightthen · 16/10/2020 08:25

Look. He doesn't want to do it. You need to stop bringing it up and work it out on your own time. Or leave, and let him find someone who can give him the relationship he wants.

GilbertMarkham · 16/10/2020 08:26

even online support groups

That would depend on the "bad stuff" - what do you think you've tried (and might be trying to agsin if you pursued this) deal with via sex with multiple partners?

You don't even have to answer that on here if you don't want to - just use the answer to identify where you'd seek help.

Josuk · 16/10/2020 08:26

OP - what I meant about sexual relationships with mature adult partners - I meant on both sides. Teenager having sex with adults is a completely different experience from two adults engaging in a sexual exploration or pushing boundaries, etc.

As to you forcing things on your H... I think open relationships are often driven by one of the partners to a greater extent. People’s drives and curiosity differ.
In one of the couples I mentioned - it was also driven by the woman. The man was originally lukewarm. But what wanted to give her the experience she craved. Now - a few years down the road - he seems to be enjoying it.
It’s not a commonly accepted way of life - so people have all kinds of reservations. But with time they found that it works for them and doesn’t threaten their relationship, but rather adds to it.

Of course you shouldn’t force your H. But if he is willing to try - why not. As long as you keep talking and he knows that IF it really doesn’t work for him in reality you will reverse - there is no harm. Small steps and lots of communication is the way to go really.

Original poster
preacherman · 16/10/2020 08:30

@GilbertMarkham How do I work on the MH problems? I've done counselling, medication, a clean lifestyle, mindfulness - all of the things people tell you to do. I don't feel mentally ill right now, and I haven't for a while, but I still have the shit behaviours / impulse control that's linked with my mental illnesses. It might just be shitty character at this point. I'm looking into trying to find counselling as we speak, but maybe I'm also just ultimately not a good person.

@Ohalrightthen How do I work it out on my own time?

OP posts:
MarjoryMinor · 16/10/2020 08:30

I don't really know how to put this more sensitively but I think you need to contact some organisations that support adults who were sexually exploited as children.

If you married pre-18 and had many sexual partners before, some 'mature adults', that sounds like you were groomed. Please look after yourself and get some support.

Original poster
preacherman · 16/10/2020 08:32

@GilbertMarkham I've got a long list of bad things that happened (which I'm happy to lay out if it helps explain my position at all). I can't distinguish what's emotional damage and what's my personality at this point.

@Josuk Thank you for your suggestions & support. I don't know what the right thing to do is, but I'm grateful that you can see both perspectives from both my DH and I. x

OP posts:
Cavagirl · 16/10/2020 08:34

What is the problem you are trying to solve with an open relationship?

It's not clear at all from your OP. You could be talking about buying a new car tbh.

Is it lust? Boredom? Lack of sex in your marriage?

What is the problem, and why do you think an open relationship is the solution?

Original poster
preacherman · 16/10/2020 08:34

@MarjoryMinor Yep, a lot of it was probably not good. But I guess a lot of it was a grey-zone, so I don't really know what to do with that. No worries about putting it more sensitively though, I understand what you mean and thank you for your suggestion. x

OP posts:
Original poster
preacherman · 16/10/2020 08:37

@Cavagirl I think it's probably a lot of connected issues. A few that spring to mind are; (not saying these are healthy or reasonable, keep in mind) boredom, lack of sex, FOMO, emotional damage, lack of self esteem, self destructive tendencies etc.

An open relationship probably isn't the solution, it's just what my brain tells me is the solution and I'm wondering what causes that / how the fuck I stop it.

OP posts:
MarjoryMinor · 16/10/2020 08:38

I am sorry to hear that. I suspect what you consider a grey zone really isn't but you were conditioned/groomed into believing it was. Sending hugs to you

PrinnyPree · 16/10/2020 08:39

You're not a "shit person" you are struggling with your mental health and you do need to seek professional help, but now you have been educated that what you have been doing is a form of coercive control and emotional abuse directed at your partner you do need to stop suggesting it, as it is not fair to pressure him (and it is pressure even if its done very gently and consistantly until he is worn down). Speak to your doctor, seek out counselling and get it under control. You won't be able to find the therapy you need in a public forum I'm afraid. X good luck

Original poster
preacherman · 16/10/2020 08:39

@MarjoryMinor You might be right, I think I'll always have mixed feelings on the stuff that has happened though. Thank you for your support. x

OP posts:
Original poster
preacherman · 16/10/2020 08:41

@PrinnyPree

I can't be coercively controlling and emotionally abusive, and not be a shit person. Those things both make you a shit person, IMO.

I'm looking into counselling though, thank you for the suggestion.

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 16/10/2020 08:49

This might not work for you as it sounds like there are a LOT of underlying issues that need unpicking with a therapist, but when i get the itch every once in a while i think about all the bad sex I've had with random men and women, and all the wonderful things about my marriage, weigh them up against eachother and remember that monogamy is a nobrainer in my situation.

I'm very happy in my marriage though, and to be honest it sounds like you're not.

GilbertMarkham · 16/10/2020 08:51

DH and I got married very very young (pre 18.) I had a lot of sexual partners before I met him

This struck me even before you said you have a long list big bad things that happened to you, emotional damage and self destructive behaviours.

If you met and married your DH before 18 years old (and you've been monogamous with him since you met?) then your many sexual partners were pre meeting him, which was pre age 18, which suggests below the age of consent.

So let's just start by saying they were statutory rapists. How old were you and how old were they?

Why do you think you were sexually active from such a young age/before the age of consent with "a lot" of partners? Are you a survivor of child sex abuse? (Besides the statutory rapists)

EarthSight · 16/10/2020 08:51

I feel sorry for him. You might not mean to pressure him, but he clearly feels some kind if dread hence why he just wants to get it over and done with and doesn't want something negative hanging over his head. The fact that you've even declared that you want an open relationship would be enough for many to be extremely upset or angry. It means you're unsatisfied in some way and are thinking of other men.

GilbertMarkham · 16/10/2020 08:52

Sorry to be so blunt but it's just seeming likely (or some major dysfunction at least in your family of origin) from what you're saying.