Considering an open relationship.

[preacherman]

I've NCed.

DH and I got married very very young (pre 18.) I had a lot of sexual partners before I met him, and he only had one drunken one-night-stand with a friend before meeting me. He's a very monogamous, traditional person and I don't know what I am- he's always been keen on a long term relationship / marriage / kids etc.

Every six months the issue of having an open relationship keeps cropping up (something that I possibly want and something he possibly doesn't want). He's essentially saying, "Let's do it so we can stop talking about it" and saying that having to talk about an open relationship constantly is worse than just having an open relationship.

I feel a bit lost. Every time we've had these conversations and come to the conclusion that we'll have an open relationship, sometime during the next day I decide it's not worth the difficulty, but it keeps cropping up time and time again and I can't shake the feeling. Maybe it's to do with my MH issues, but my MH is a lot better recently and I don't know what could be causing it.

I know that open relationships on here are NOT popular, nor is the success rate high, especially when it's from a previously monogamous marriage & one partner gets more out of it.
I'm not necessarily asking for advice on having an open relationship, more what could be causing me to feel like I need one and how to stop that thing from cropping up again (I understand this whole post may make me sound like a shit person, which I admittedly might be, but I promise I'm genuinely trying to sort myself out).

Divorce doesn't really seem like an option, if that's anyone's first thought.

@preacherman I think one of the hardest things in life is that we are responsible for our own happiness and not other people or be responsible for other people.

Have you actually been honest with him about how you are feeling about this or are you trying to protect him from the real truth that you think the thing that will hurt him the most is that his LOVE isnt good enough to save you from the void so you move it to sex as it seems easier.

Whereas I think the only persons love who can save you from this is learning to love yourself. Tell him that. Be honest

@bumpertobumper This seems like a great idea, thank you. I'll look into it and hopefully figure out some of my thought processes under the surface.

@Quartz2208 I mean I definitely think we have a relationship where he tries to look after me a lot which I'm grateful for. I guess to some extent I always hoped that being loved by someone was enough to undo the emotional harm and damage (as being loved by someone was all I wanted) but I'm maybe not admitting to myself or him that love is just a step on the path to help. Maybe I'm shifting that to sex as it's less hurtful, you're probably right.

Yes I think you are right it is a step but it is not the cure to undo the emotional harm and damage. And the problem is it is getting worse because you thought being loved was enough and now it isnt you dont know what to do.

I think your first step may well is be honest with him about all of this. And then please try and find the time and money to get some counselling/therapy (bumpertobumper idea looks good) to unpick what happened in your childhood (which I am guessing as you arent in contact with them was pretty traumatic).

Its not your fault or his fault and hopefully this is a path he can be completely supportive of

Good luck

Thank you @Quartz2208. I'm appreciative that you can see the deeper issues and not jump to morality over explanation (as I'm currently trying not to batter myself with feeling like a bad person, as that often causes big lifestyle changes like this). Thank you for your advice and support.

OP, how old are you? You say you're not working at the moment. What do you usually do for work? Do you have hobbies, kids?

So much focus is on sex, but you have a self-esteem issue and sex will never fix it. You need to surround yourself with people who love and support you, and you need to engage in activities which boost your self-esteem. Work, a new hobby, becoming a member of a group. You like make-up. Could you do make-up tutorials on YouTube? You won't fill the void by having casual sex. Nor will you fill it with counselling alone. You need to change your lifestyle and confide in your DH.

You said he doesn't like talking about past trauma. Perhaps you should explain to him that your open marriage feelings are a result of the trauma and you want to address the past so that you can heal. Explain that to do that, you need his support and open communication.

I had a dysfunctional childhood, met my DH when I was 18, married young and am now in my early 30's. DH is the only person I've ever had sex with, and I often think about sex with other people (but monogomy is incredibly important to me so it is pure fantasy/curiosity). I'm attracted to much older men and I am drawn to rough sex and dominant males. My DH is nothing like that. He is gentle and my best friend. He is absolutely what I need. What I think I might want or desire would not be good for me mentally, for my self-esteem, or fulfill my emotional needs.

That doesn't mean the fantasy goes away. It means it stays purely fantasy. I indulge it through erotica and that's enough for me (I am an avid reader though!). I'm not in your situation. I have no past sexual trauma, but I had a violent mother and a negligent/absent father whose approval I could never earn. I'm certain it's shaped who I am, but it does not define me. You sound as though you are at the point where it is still defining you, and from the little you've said about other aspects of your life, it sounds like it could be because you are not fulfilled in any aspect of life?

I think this is a brave question to ask OP and I hope you get to the bottom of what is driving your thoughts on this topic.

I would love to know what the key to an open relationship is. Not that I want one, but philosophically I don't think monogamy is easy / has ever really existed. Non-monogamy rips families apart. Does it need to?

@NameChangeNemo I'm in young adulthood, currently pursuing higher education. I think my issue is mostly being able to sit with my emotions. If I feel like I need an open relationship for example and there's a possibility of having one, then I need to be making the moves to get one as soon as humanly possible and making concrete choices. I think I'm probably compulsive in that sense.

There's not any area in my life that I feel especially fulfilled - I'm happy in my marriage (despite what my mental health will tell you) and I guess that's the biggest source of satisfaction. I don't really have any driving force to pursue any ambition or goals though, there's nothing I'm especially passionate about and I don't have much push to chase anything. That's probably a factor too - feeling unfulfilled or incomplete in lots of areas of my life.

Thank you @Yorkshirelass04. I guess non-monogamy probably requires communication more than anything (but there are probably much more insightful boards on here where people are actually non-monogamous or polyamorous, as opposed to just a bit damaged)

Get yourself on the NHS counselling list- yes it's long but you won't ever reach the top of the list unless you're on it. You could also see if there's a way you could financially prioritize private counselling. It's not a matter of having a 'higher income' - I'm disabled and unable to work and I prioritized it. If you can't afford weekly you could go fortnightly. EMDR is also available on the NHS.

What is it that you're imagining happening in this open relationship? Answering that question for yourself would show you why you want it.

^"Your DH has already been told by you that he's not good enough".
I agree and appreciate everything else you've said in that post, but why this? If anyone's not good enough, it's me, but open relationships or things in that nature aren't usually because you don't value your partner.^

I think for the average partner it would come across that you aren't happy with your sex life with him, it's not enough for you, you want extra.

The only other reason I can think is because, as you think you have poor impulse control, you are worried you might cheat. Having an open relationship would mean if you do find yourself ending up having sex with someone else (is there anyone around that you feel might be a temptation?) in theory it's less likely to spell the end of your marriage.

What you describe is (borderline?) personality disorder traits. We all have traits of something. They have that inner sense of emptiness (some of them.) The purpose of a label is it helps you find the appropriate therapy. Some people find DBT helpful but it didn't help me. EMDR therapy can be helpful as it tackles the trauma causing the behaviours/beliefs.

I don't know anyone who's gone from having bad self esteem to good self esteem

I kind of did. I don't know if there are any situations/people you can do it with, but how I did it is to quickly cut contact if I realized someone was treating me badly/dangerous to have around/causing me pain, or giving signs that they were going to reject me.

By doing that I asserted to myself that I had worth and it wasn't ok for people to treat me badly.

It's not what you both want. He doesn't want it he's giving in to make you happy. Therefore the changes of it not working are high. You know this which is why you are panicking.

@SoulofanAggron I'm unemployed and on one income, but I'll see what I can do in terms of prioritization. I could maybe cut back on some food and it might work.

There's no one around that I feel a strong temptation by or a pull towards. There are people who I could sleep with if I chose to, but I wouldn't say it's a contributing factor. If I'm honest I think there's every chance I have some kind of underlying undiagnosed mood or personality disorder but I don't have much faith in the mental health system to diagnose that (given they couldn't diagnose something very clear & common).

I'm glad you managed to improve your self esteem. I guess I'm still trying to force myself not to feel fine with people treating me badly.

Thank you @Littlepaws18, I know this hence why I'm trying to avoid giving in to impulse at all costs.

If I'm honest I think there's every chance I have some kind of underlying undiagnosed mood or personality disorder but I don't have much faith in the mental health system to diagnose that (given they couldn't diagnose something very clear & common).

You needn't even have a whole personality disorder, just traits of one. Don't judge consultant etc based primarily on your experience of CAMHS, as CAMHS are notoriously often pretty shit.

Defining what the issue is is a tool for you to find the private therapy that could help. With the NHS you don't need to give it a label I suppose in order to describe what the issues you want to work on are.

I just live on PIP and income suport. When I was seeing private consultants of therapists, I didn't spend my money on much else, but it was worth it.

I don't know. It just feels very complicated with children, plus AP has a child who lives an hour from me, so it's complicated from his side too. For months I have kept swaying from only one life and I'm obviously not happy to knowing I can't split the family and worrying I've made a mistake.

If you don't have children yet then I would leave if I was you if you still aren't completely happy after trying other things.

@SoulofanAggron If you managed to make it happen, I'm sure I can manage to get counselling somehow- will be tight, but will hopefully work out. Thank you for your advice.

@Gyh863 Do you think you'll ever tell your H?

You got married really young OP. How long had you dated your husband before getting married? How long have you been together?

I don’t think it’s a good idea to have an open relationship & it’s interesting you say divorce is not an option why is this?

Relationships get boring OP work on it and your sex life. What ever you would hope to have with someone else throw this energy into your marriage.

It only works if you both genuinely want it.

You can't make him want it.

Divorce would be a lot less stressful than trying to make this work, trust me. Just be honest with yourself: you really want to havr sex with other people. That's ok. Nothing to be ashamed of, but you'll need to be single first.

OP it's very difficult to tell what's going on here but you need to stop the open relationship/sexual compulsion for the time being. It sounds like a form of self harm.

Forms of therapy that you may find useful is DBT which is available on the NHS. I would see your GP or you can self refer. Although ideally you need an assessment via a psychiatrist.

In the meantime there is cheap therapy available via Anxiety UK. You have to pay an initial £30 joining fee and then sessions are £15. That's £60 a month which may be doable if you cut back on other things. If you drink, then stop and use that money towards therapy. The good thing about paying is that you can change if you're not getting on with your therapist. You may find Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) helpful and that's offered via Anxiety UK.

There are other options here.

There is also relationship counselling available via Marriage Care which is by donation ie whatever you can afford.

If any of my husbands had suggested an open marriage with me I'd have left them immediately. Because it isn't what I want and it isn't my idea of what marriage should be.
I think that's how your husband feels too and it's killing him.
I think you need to decide what it is that you want and stop torturing him.

@Charlieeee76 Sorry trying not to divulge too many specifics as this whole thread is quite outing, but I'll say we got married about a year after getting together.

Divorce isn't an option because I feel like I made a lifelong commitment, and unless there were serious serious issues (like physical abuse for example) I wouldn't take divorce lightly.
I will try and throw the energy into my marriage but it's difficult as I don't want to bring toxicity to my marriage with the attempt.

@RuffleCrow Thank you for your suggestion and I can see your points, but divorce would not be less stressful for me personally.

@username501 Thank you for the links! I'll do what I can to make it financially feasible (I probably do need to test if I can cut down drinking as well, anyway). I appreciate your research x

@madcatladyforever I'm doing what I can to avoid "torturing him". I can understand your personal experiences, but I'm not the antichrist for having a shit reaction to shit situations & mental health. I'm doing my best and working to avoid this conversation cropping up again.

Hmmm your view is interesting I’m not married and never have been. For me though I would consider leaving a relationship (marriage or not) if I felt the way you do. Regardless of that your married happiness comes first

A couple of thoughts - regular exercise (even if it's just going for walks pretending you're judging everyone's front gardens for a competition!) - helps regulate mood, sleep, helps your brain come to terms with things. Keep a diary of it too, so you can look back and appreciate what you've achieved.

Goals/Self-esteem/confidence
You're still pretty young and say you've not got any goals really. Personally I'm most content when I'm working towards something I genuinely want to achieve - it can be something big like a degree or a fitness event, it can be something small like tidying up the week's paperwork or visiting and photographing an interesting site locally. You spoke of self-esteem and the key to that can be accumulating things that you wanted to do and got done. That and helping others - whether it's phoning Granny for a chat or making someone a cake or volunteering to help out with something. This builds up a picture of yourself in your own psyche as an achiever, someone in control of their life, someone with worth.

The sex thing - the relationship with your DP.
Have you really pictured what an open marriage would actually look like, day to day, minute to minute? What would you be doing different next Wednesday say - where would you go, who would you see, what would it be like? I suspect if you took the time to do as a creative writing exercise an "alternative diary" where you write down what you think would have happened today if you were in an open marriage, and you try and keep yourself honest, you might find the shine of the idea going off a bit...

"Arranged to meet Dean from Tinder tonight. Told DH I would be out from 8 to 10 and who and where etc. He looked bored, said, "good luck" and said he would go down the pub with a few of the people after his cycling session (Dave and Bert and Caroline, he says). Have seen Caroline on FB she's v pretty.
Dean's breath was bad and he was crap in bed. I think I've caught a cold from him. Haven't slept with DH for a while, he says he wants me to feel free and happy but he feels funny about having sex with me just a day or two after I've shagged someone else but I shouldn't take it personally"

OK I don't know you so things might be COMPLETELY different but you get the idea of actually doing the visualization exercise I hope.

Good luck with finding cheap counseling that works for you btw, sounds like you've been through a lot and frankly could be coping much worse than you actually are but quite understandably feel you've got further to go.