Considering an open relationship.

[preacherman]

I've NCed.

DH and I got married very very young (pre 18.) I had a lot of sexual partners before I met him, and he only had one drunken one-night-stand with a friend before meeting me. He's a very monogamous, traditional person and I don't know what I am- he's always been keen on a long term relationship / marriage / kids etc.

Every six months the issue of having an open relationship keeps cropping up (something that I possibly want and something he possibly doesn't want). He's essentially saying, "Let's do it so we can stop talking about it" and saying that having to talk about an open relationship constantly is worse than just having an open relationship.

I feel a bit lost. Every time we've had these conversations and come to the conclusion that we'll have an open relationship, sometime during the next day I decide it's not worth the difficulty, but it keeps cropping up time and time again and I can't shake the feeling. Maybe it's to do with my MH issues, but my MH is a lot better recently and I don't know what could be causing it.

I know that open relationships on here are NOT popular, nor is the success rate high, especially when it's from a previously monogamous marriage & one partner gets more out of it.
I'm not necessarily asking for advice on having an open relationship, more what could be causing me to feel like I need one and how to stop that thing from cropping up again (I understand this whole post may make me sound like a shit person, which I admittedly might be, but I promise I'm genuinely trying to sort myself out).

Divorce doesn't really seem like an option, if that's anyone's first thought.

Well firstly you never asked that question! However whilst its out there, of course its not your responsibility to protect his masculinity. It becomes your responsibility when you destroy it by indulging in the scenario that I described to you in my earlier post. For you to persue an open relationship with another man and all the sex and intimacy that entails is very likely to leave him with a dent in his masculinity.

@Raidblunner First off yes, I corrected myself.
If he had been the one to suggest an open relationship though, it would have nothing to do with my sense of femininity or my capabilities as a woman? I might feel upset about the situation in general if the roles were reversed, but the fact of my sex wouldn't be a thought in my head at all.

He's entitled to be upset if that's how he feels, but "being emasculated" shouldn't play a part in that.
He's still a man whether he has a partner who wants an open relationship or not, so I'm not sure why I'm "destroying it" or it's my fault?
(This is entirely ignoring the fact that the issue has now been resolved, I'm just speaking about it generally)

I think open relationships are brilliant, when everyone involved in them actively wants them. I would be really, really uncomfortable with an open relationship in which one partner has agreed to it to please the other. I would prefer an element of poly in my marriage, if I am completely honest. I would like to have the option to have sex with other people. That does not work for my husband and so our marriage is closed and will remain so. I'm lucky, I don't feel such a drive for an open relationship that I can't be happy without it. But there are other things about our relationship I cannot live with a lack of. Kink gets a hostile reception on here- it's important to me, a need rather than a want. A marriage without that would not be sustainable for me; if anything would provoke me to revisit with my husband the long resolved question of an open relationship, it would be if he completely withdrew from that. I would feel the lack of it an an unmet need. I would not love him less, want him less or be less committed to our life and family. But I would not be complete.

I get having rtft that you're linking your interest in an open relationship to trauma and this is rather different from what I am talking about! A close friend of mine had a series of affairs last year and I know this sounds a bit ridiculous but I am sure she did so as an act of self harm. There was a lot going on in her life and she was utterly fraught, and she has always been so opposed to infidelity and was unhappy and full of fury and self loathing throughout. She would sit and torment herself over the low, lying person she was being and if she got a moment's happiness from it, I didn't see it. I know that's not the same as your situation either, you aren't cheating or planning to. But I do get the use of sexual relationships as self harm.

@unmarkedbythat I feel badly for your friend and her partner - it's a horrible situation to be cheated on, and it's also a horrible situation to be compelled to do things you're morally opposed to as an act of self destruction.

I'm glad you can separate out the things that are a necessity to you vs the things that are a preference (e.g. kink vs an open relationship) and that a lack of one may lead you to the other. I think it's also good that you can acknowledge some things as needs (specifically kinks) that are usually not respected as an important part of a relationship for some people.

Thank you for your post though, it's interesting to see the experiences you've had or witnessed in both ethical and non-ethical non-monogamy (as well as the role in actual desire vs self destructive behaviour). x

Your choosing to not see the issue or the implications of your hypothetical actions. Why would you when it will reflect on you negatively. Hence the explicit nature of my original post to enlighten you with regard to that reality. I sick to death of people decorating their infedelities and justifying it with their wants & needs. If your not getting fullfilment out of your relationship then leave, why do people expect to have the best of both worlds. I want the safe & secure hubby to bring home the bacon and I want a sex lover at the weekends....

@raidblunner Have you read the full thread, including the parts where I said I was looking for help to not want an open relationship? Have you also read the update where I said I had a conversation with my partner and we decided not to do it, but to seek other help for my impulsiveness and self destructive tendencies?

You seem to have strong feelings about open relationships in general (which is fine) but I don't understand why this anger is being channelled towards me. I've not advocated for cheating or even non-monogamous relationships in general, I just expressed a self destructive tendency and asked how to prevent it from coming up.

I’m glad that you and your husband have had a good conversation OP and are finding a way forward. I hope counselling is helpful for you both. Sorry to see some of the pretty harsh responses on here, people can be quite judgemental on here I have found!

I wish you well as anyone would with in resolving your 'self destructive tendencies' . Having been on the end of other peoples 'indiscretions' and said 'destructive tendencies' it generally tends to be the innocent partie that ends up becoming destroyed rather than the destroyer!

Thank you @Welshgal85. As much as MN has it's perks it does have a tendency to miss nuances sometimes. Still thank you for the support, it sinks in as much as negative comments so I'm always grateful when people choose to be kind. :)

@Raidblunner Keep your assumptions if you would like to, it's honestly up to you. My husband is a fully grown capable man, and he would tell me if he were being destroyed. Thank you for your concern

Your husband will be well on way to destruction should you decide to embark on an open relationship. Its an open forum where people are actively allowed to express an opinion, your not always going to have the privilege of just being able to hear exactly what you wish to.

@Raidblunner Except you seem to be not paying attention to the actual forum? I've said I'm not doing it - I've had a conversation with him and we made a joint decision against it. What point are you trying to prove here?

I've made my point all along!

@raidblunner "Yes that From all the responses the focus has mainly been about you. Seriously step out of yourself and consider the prospect of your husband fucking another woman."

"You forging ahead fuffiling your needs could well result in him feeling totally emasculated. Furthermore how ridiculous you sound by having an issue with him wanking.My advice to him would be to run for the hills!"

"I sick to death of people decorating their infedelities and justifying it with their wants & needs."

" it generally tends to be the innocent partie that ends up becoming destroyed rather than the destroyer!"

Seems like your point is a lot more heavily routed in your own experience than my original post, however.

I see some of the non thread readers came out yesterday then.
Good luck OP, this thread has made me feel so desperately sad for you at points but you sound a lot more confident in your posts since you talked to him which bodes really well.
I hope you can work through it all

I did read the thread.
Mine was a warning to think twice.
Which at the point I posted , the thread seemed to be more about wanting than avoiding.

Hi @cavagirl. Thank you! Things are looking up a bit (I'm not magically cured or a perfect person or anything) but I feel a bit better after the conversation and the thread. Thank you for being positive