Considering an open relationship.

[preacherman]

I've NCed.

DH and I got married very very young (pre 18.) I had a lot of sexual partners before I met him, and he only had one drunken one-night-stand with a friend before meeting me. He's a very monogamous, traditional person and I don't know what I am- he's always been keen on a long term relationship / marriage / kids etc.

Every six months the issue of having an open relationship keeps cropping up (something that I possibly want and something he possibly doesn't want). He's essentially saying, "Let's do it so we can stop talking about it" and saying that having to talk about an open relationship constantly is worse than just having an open relationship.

I feel a bit lost. Every time we've had these conversations and come to the conclusion that we'll have an open relationship, sometime during the next day I decide it's not worth the difficulty, but it keeps cropping up time and time again and I can't shake the feeling. Maybe it's to do with my MH issues, but my MH is a lot better recently and I don't know what could be causing it.

I know that open relationships on here are NOT popular, nor is the success rate high, especially when it's from a previously monogamous marriage & one partner gets more out of it.
I'm not necessarily asking for advice on having an open relationship, more what could be causing me to feel like I need one and how to stop that thing from cropping up again (I understand this whole post may make me sound like a shit person, which I admittedly might be, but I promise I'm genuinely trying to sort myself out).

Divorce doesn't really seem like an option, if that's anyone's first thought.

That's a great pity (about the counsellor) but there must be some decent ones elsewhere.

I don't know enough about the subject - maybe some other posters can give their advice on this.

It does sound (and I'm obviously a non my professional) like it's a compulsion that's not just about dissatisfaction with monogamy.

As an aside what is the sexual incompatibility with your DH (if you want you say) and is it surmountable?

It's not just sex, we are in love too, so even worse. It's more the choice between a romantic and sexual relationship and family life. It's always been about having a connection and emotional relationship too, I haven't had it where it was just a sexual spark with someone else and nothing more. So I guess it's about more than sex maybe.

When I married my husband I probably knew deep down the sexual incompatibility was a problem but prioritised everything else that was good. At that point we had the chemistry still so it was still enjoyable and not glaringly obvious it wasn't as it should be maybe. Then as the years passed and we had children the chemistry wore off, I felt less attractive and didn't get the validation I needed. So when I had guys at work who obviously fancied me it felt good and the friendships became closer than they should have and there was flirting and a couple of kisses. It felt great to feel desired. But they had partners too and it never went further than that partly because of that I think.

Then with the affair, firstly he's single. He was mad about me from the start and by this point I was resentful of not getting the romance or show of being desired etc at home. In the past I have said I'm not happy in bed, and he's never made an effort to make changes or read a book or whatever. So you start to feel justified in looking elsewhere for these things (not saying I am). It's just a really strong connection with AP though, right guy at the wrong time. He couldn't just be anybody. Even if my marriage was good I think meeting him would have been a challenge. But there was a massive lack that he was very good at filling. It's a mess.

So basically it's been a gradual decline in the marriage with sex and intimacy over the years, with nothing done to address it. And lots of temptation from elsewhere which I have struggled to resist, maybe because of a mix of personality traits and my needs going unmet at home.

Thank you @CrazyToast. He is 100% good enough in every sense of the word, I think I just need to get myself to a point of being good enough (whether that's monogamous or polyamorous or something in between). x

@GilbertMarkham Re; sexual incompatibility I struggle to want to have sex with him (possibly because he's nice to me, or maybe because I see him a lot and it's easy to take him for granted). I also don't like a lot of foreplay for emotional damage & intimacy issues, so that cuts off a lot of having mutually satisfying sex. We've also had some issues around porn, wanking etc which probably hasn't helped in the long run.

@Gyh863 Do you think you'll ever leave your relationship, or is staying in your relationship with an AP on the side the most beneficial (either to you personally, or all three of you) thing to do? Just curious, don't feel the need to answer if you're not comfortable.

I think to really be able to explore why you are feeling this way that counselling would be the best option as a counsellor could help you explore your feelings and your relationship. Have you thought about doing relationship counselling? You could have sessions on your own to explore your own feelings and also have joint sessions with your partner to talk about your relationship.

It seems you are at a bit of a crossroads as you both want different things and sounds like he may just be agreeing to keep you happy

@Welshgal85 We're both interested in relationship counselling, but again it's quite pricey. I think it could be useful though, I just need to figure out how to practically do it.

Thanks for replying. It was insightful. Do you feel you could have complete emotionless sex with people ?
What would happen if that person suddenly had feelings for you , how would that make you feel ? What about your dh emotions ? How would that sit with you that his emotions / feelings will be effected by your plan to have sex outside the marriage ?

Relate offer relationship and individual counselling in lots of ways including via Zoom at the moment. I know friends who have used them and said you can negotiate the price with them so think they can be flexible with how much you have to pay

@VictoriaBun I think I could have completely emotionless sex with people. I've had sex with people who I'm not attracted to or like very much and I had no real feelings towards them of any kind.

If someone got feelings for me, I would probably be flattered but uncomfortable. I guess I would see it as an ego boost, but I wouldn't want to facilitate anything more serious with anyone- I'd probably cut off that interaction if they didn't think they could overcome their feelings for me.

It sits badly with me that DH would be affected by extra-marital stuff. Honestly it sits badly with me that I affect DH negatively in any way at all, I want him to be happy and take no pride or pleasure in being a cause for his pain. I just really don't know what steps to take to spare him.

@Welshgal85 I'll have a look at what Relate has to offer, thank you for the suggestion.

Oh OP this is so sad. Its clear that an open relationship wont help this at all. You are trying to fill a void here caused by your childhood trauma and quick uncomplicated sex fills it.

The flip side of this is that you clearly struggle with the idea that someone could love you - that you are worthy of love so you dont feel you deserve your husband or the way he wants to show you intimately. You only deserve the random emotionally unfulfilling act of sex with a stranger

Counselling ON YOUR OWN I think is definite first stage here. Focus on yourself

@Quartz2208 It feels like an all-encompassing void to be honest. I'm more void than person most of the time hahahaha. I think you're right though and it probably explains my extreme responses to sex (e.g. refusing to have emotionally fulfilling sex and only wanting damaging sex). I feel a bit lost really

It quite sad that you are prepared to do this at the expense of your husband . I wish you and him well wherever your decisions take you.

@VictoriaBun I'm literally working not to. I'm trying to figure out what the root of this is and why I want to do it, as well as how to stop that feeling showing up in negative or unhealthy ways.

I probably won't be in an open relationship unless it's clear my partner consents and it's clear that it's what I actually want to do. There's no "expense of my husband".

An open relationship would surely put everyone involved at risk of Covid virus. Surely you wish to protect your health & the health of your DH ?

Secondly, life does get "boring" sometimes & there are ups & downs
Do you have friends or family to chat to ?
Do you work ?
Do you have hobbies ?
Do you take time to be glad of the simple things in life on a daily basis ?

You are good enough OP and this isn’t the solution to filling the void. That I’m afraid will only come from within and believing in you.

This I feel would only make it worse. Please don’t focus on him for now this needs to be your journey

@Change6Change5 I wouldn't be suggesting meeting with people or doing sexual things until it's safe and legal.

Friends and family - I have some new friends but I'm not willing to barrage them with this information until I know them a bit better. Not in contact with any family.

Work - not working at the moment.

Hobbies- not really. I guess I enjoy putting on makeup and writing, but I'm not sure they constitute "hobbies" as such. Most of my entertainment comes from media like Youtube or streaming services.

Gratefulness- I do my best, and I'm grateful for a lot of what I have though I also probably take a lot for granted.

OP, hurt people hurt people. You have said yourself that this may well be a way of self-destruction (because you know that this will destroy your husband, which will then make you feel like shit.)
It is coercive control and it is abuse. And that is wrong. But abusers can recognize their behaviours and decide to stop. You have to acknowledge that this is not on. If you stop this now and heal, your DH may find a way to forgive and trust you again.

@Quartz2208
Thank you.
I'm desperate to know what fills the void in a positive way, if anything does. Now would be a great time for religion if I had more spirituality haha.

I struggle with not focusing on my partner. I think this might be an overwhelming reverse of being much more selfish to combat spending a lot of my time thinking and worrying about him. That's not reasonable though. Thank you for all you've said.

@AllTheThingsHeSaid Can you please explain how it's coercive control and abuse? I've looked up definitions of both of those things to try and understand where I fit in, but I'm not seeing much that relates to my situation.

It's very uncomfortable for him I agree and so I'm trying to find productive ways to get past my feelings without pulling him into it, but I don't think he'd consider me an abuser.

You do no your actually giving him permission to leave.
He wants monogamy, and now you have told him he can sleep with someone else, he only wanted you, and I doubt if he can go in for one night stands, so he will pull away from you towards the person who does show desire for him, are you prepared to handle him telling you it is over and requesting a divorce to move in with someone else?
While your new sexual freedom might find you trading down, or being left single?

@mummmy2017 Not sure if you've read the thread, but I'm aware of the negatives of an open relationship. Pushing me down into a further sense of being a shit person is not going to be conducive to me getting my shit sorted out, or subsequently my husband having an easier time. If he wants to start a thread on here then you're more than welcome to tell him to leave me high and dry, but it's not helping on this thread.

Ok I see so you spend so much time focussing on his needs and wants that you don't have time for yourself.

The one thing you remember from being younger and before him that helped with this is sex (although I suspect the truth is actually it didnt and it made it ultimately worse) with strangers to get that one moment of feeling something because that is better than what you have at the moment which is nothing. You have a pit of nothing and numbness that needs filling and this seems like the easiest and best option.

How is your relationship outside of this - making him the centre I dont think helps. You need to find you.

@Quartz2208 Spot on, yeah.

The relationship outside of this is great. We're very affectionate, have a great friendship and understand each other in ways other people don't. We do have a genuinely good relationship and I'm happy with him - he's a great guy. I think sometimes that makes the void a bit tougher to cope with though truthfully.

There is affordable counselling available.
Look for low cost community counselling services - they are staffed by therapists who are still in training, but so are most NHS services too. You don't need a referral, just ring up. If you didn't get on with the first counsellor assigned you you ask for another.
They usually charge 10-20 approx per session, depending on ability to pay, so a lot cheaper than private rates.
Some have limited number of sessions but many provide longer term which is good when there are complex issues or trauma to unpick.

It sounds like you want to understand what's driving this urge in you, I hope you can figure it out.