Considering an open relationship.

[preacherman]

I've NCed.

DH and I got married very very young (pre 18.) I had a lot of sexual partners before I met him, and he only had one drunken one-night-stand with a friend before meeting me. He's a very monogamous, traditional person and I don't know what I am- he's always been keen on a long term relationship / marriage / kids etc.

Every six months the issue of having an open relationship keeps cropping up (something that I possibly want and something he possibly doesn't want). He's essentially saying, "Let's do it so we can stop talking about it" and saying that having to talk about an open relationship constantly is worse than just having an open relationship.

I feel a bit lost. Every time we've had these conversations and come to the conclusion that we'll have an open relationship, sometime during the next day I decide it's not worth the difficulty, but it keeps cropping up time and time again and I can't shake the feeling. Maybe it's to do with my MH issues, but my MH is a lot better recently and I don't know what could be causing it.

I know that open relationships on here are NOT popular, nor is the success rate high, especially when it's from a previously monogamous marriage & one partner gets more out of it.
I'm not necessarily asking for advice on having an open relationship, more what could be causing me to feel like I need one and how to stop that thing from cropping up again (I understand this whole post may make me sound like a shit person, which I admittedly might be, but I promise I'm genuinely trying to sort myself out).

Divorce doesn't really seem like an option, if that's anyone's first thought.

Some great advice already but I would caution going to just any counsellor, you obviously have complex issues and need someone who is highly experienced. Anyone can set up as a counsellor and the charities offering it at low cost often use volunteers with very little training, in concerned it will potentially do more harm than good, go to your gp and get a referral for nhs, or to a private clinic your gp can recommend as being suitable for your specific issues. (I'm training to be a counsellor so I'm acutely award of my limitations despite the fact legally I can market myself as one)

I have a horrible feeling that you are pressuring him, even if you don’t feel you are. My ex-partner kept banging on at me about this and it resulted in me doing things I really wasn’t happy with to keep the peace. It’s coercive and unpleasant and if a guy posted this he would have been lambasted. Let him go if you’re unhappy.

@Raidblunner What do you get out of trying to make me feel worse? If you've read the thread you'll know my position - if you still think I'm a total arse then that's your prerogative but I'm doing the most I can to step outside myself.

@shreddednips We have hypothetical conversations on it based on my feelings, but it often leads to making the decision of "let's just do it then" to a certain extent. I'm not trying to put pressure on him, I'm just trying to express how I feel because I know things get worse when I bottle them up is all. I can hear what you're saying though, and will try to be more mindful of focusing on his feelings rather than the strongest truth at all times.

@MaxwellTheThird We're all dicks in one way or the other, to be honest. This is the way you and I are dicks, but to a certain extent acknowledging it is somewhere on the path to being a bit less of a dick. You're allowed to be unsatisfied and disappointed, but if you have any capacity to try and avoid cheating then try to avoid it-- it's not good for the relationship but it's also very rarely good for your conscience IMO. x

@movingonup20 Thank you! It's good you know where your limitations are (for right now anyway) I think that's the mark of actually caring for your patients and you sound like you'll be a good counsellor!

@TOFO1965 I'm not unhappy. If I'm pressuring him, it's legitimately unintentional. There is a reason I am coming to this thread instead of continuing this conversation with him, because I want to be a positive influence in his life. I'm sorry you had negative experiences with an ex partner however.

I know what I said about recognising your achievements sounds trite, but look at what you're doing in its wider context, you're doing great. If you're anything like me (also Scottish and middle class) expectation of success and fear of failure become jumbled up. The upshot is I became numb to my achievements which is a bit of a shame really, but they never fixed the hole left by trauma. The grand I spent on therapy was the best money I ever spent. I won't donut justice but EMDR works by you accessing memories of traumatic incidents while moving your eyes back and forth. It puts you into a state where the memory becomes quite real, and enables you to process it rather than it remaining stuck, unprocessed, traumatising you forever. There are far better explanations out there. Think of it as a real means to an end.

I guess I’m the flip side of you, had some challenging experiences in childhood, hence I responded to my partners coercion. I’ve had good counselling since and I think if you can pursue again you should. But it’s for you to work out. He knows how you feel, let him discuss it with you further if he wants. Good luck to you.

@allthedamnvampires Yeah I think it's easy to undervalue yourself when it's common what you're doing, and it's a certain thing you're expected to do. I think because I've had a hard time doing more than the minimum of what's expected (mental illness, disability etc etc) it's easy to undervalue what I've achieved because most folk I know have done it - and have probably done more alongside it. EMDR sounds interesting, if not a little terrifying. I'll take what I can get at this point though honesty. x

@TOFO1965 I'm sorry you had a coercive former relationship, but you should be proud of yourself for managing to get out of it. I'll wait for him to talk to me if he'd like to. Good luck to you as well. x

I know but my guess is that it would be no more terrifying than what you've been through and are likely still going through as the trauma repeats on you. You can do it.

Re the open relationship stuff, I think it's a sideshow to what is really going on with you. Listen to 'keep yourself warm' by frightened rabbit.

He doesn't want to shag around, you do.

What you're really doing is wearing him down, against his wishes, to give you his permission/consent/acquiescence for you to shag around. Then you can hold him 50/50 responsible for whatever consequences "because you consented".

I'd have thought an open relationship required more self-awareness, integrity and personal accountability than that.

An open relationship is just a slow divorce. It's also a way of hiding from the truth - there's a problem somewhere and you must face it. Having an open relationship won't solve that problem.

We are destined to keep repeating cycles of negative behaviour until we learn and break the pattern. Also, people generally run from things, not to things. Identify what the issue is first and then find a healthy solution. Breaking up your marriage is not going to fix you.

I've just had an open conversation with my husband now and we're doing okay. I'm going to look into counselling options, but he's doing fine and I'm doing fine. Thank you to everyone who contributed positively and helpfully to the thread.

OP Look at this thread; 161 posts, 64 of them from you

Is this (on MN)  what your husband experiences when you keep asking his opinion on an open relationship? 

You going on and on and on, repetitively justifying your needs, and superficially agreeing with any cautions/ reservations expressed by others. But really, all its doing is finding ways to justify and feed your anxiety.

    If you recognise  a problem  with  constant  intrusive thoughts, negative feelings,   and an exhausting  obsession  you can't let go or  escape from, there is help available. Maybe  you could ask  DH to help you contact GP.

@2bazookas I respond to people when they raise points ? I express gratitude when people are helpful and I express disagreement when people are unnecessarily abrasive. My husband and I have had a conversation and are now doing okay - I need counselling sure, but I don't understand what point you're trying to make here ...

Can I please ask what the issues were around porn and wanking OP?

@Closetbeanmuncher Yeah so as I've mentioned upthread I've got a bit of sexual trauma that makes me insecure, so we sometimes going through periods of not having sex. He was using porn and wanking to a degree that I was uncomfortable with (because I fundamentally don't agree with porn on a larger level, but also because I was cheated on in a relationship where an ex partner was wanking to women sending him naked photos). The wanking upset me as it often felt like "I'm not having sex with you because I love you, I'm doing it because I need an orgasm and if you don't have sex with me then I'll secretively go and wank while you're asleep / preoccupied" (which isn't necessarily reasonable or acceptable on my end, but this exacerbated my sexual issues meaning it was kind of a revolving door of sexual problems). When we did have sex, it also made the sex a lot more difficult and unsatisfying if he had wanked earlier on which made my sexual discomfort worse, exacerbating the issue.

We had a conversation about it, he said he would stop and he messed up a few times which also made me a bit uncomfortable as I felt it reduced our sexual trust which obviously makes initiating or enjoying sex more difficult. He's stopped now as he doesn't enjoy it much either and it reduces the sex we have together (which he prefers to wanking) so it's a mostly healed over wound, it was just a problem for a little while. Hope that gives a bit of insight. x

(interesting name btw!)

I get no pleasure in making you feel worse. Thats the stark reality of what your asking of your husband. My post merely mirrored that back at you. You forging ahead fuffiling your needs could well result in him feeling totally emasculated. Furthermore how ridiculous you sound by having an issue with him wanking. People's bodies are their own, you can't dictate whether or not they can pleasure themselves. My advice to him would be to run for the hills!

@Raidblunner He's comfortable in his masculinity and I take no credit or blame for that. His masculinity is his own -- I'm not responsible for it.

I can't dictate anything to him you're completely right, but I can express what upsets me and he can decide what he wants to do accordingly. The same way he can't dictate things to me, but I'll still change my behaviour if it massively upsets him (as I have done in this situation).

Me and my husband started one last year. it was pretty much my Idea. We married young, started having kids straight away, he had been my only sexual partner. We were both bored. I gave him the go ahead to meet others. It was pretty much a way to stay married and do the bringing kids up and take care of the house but have fun. It's caused jelousy though because married men have a harder job meeting women than married women.

@thecatsarecrazy I hope (bar the jealousy issues) it's all working out for you and it's added a positive element to your relationship! Good luck for the future, I hope it all goes well x

I'm sorry OP but I'm sick of people using their mental health as an excuse for being vile to another person and that is exactly what you are doing.

@madcatladyforever If non-monogamy is vile to you, then that's up to you. I've had a conversation with my husband and he is doing fine and looking forward to getting some counselling so we both have a safe opportunity to express our emotions. I said in my OP that I did not want advice on an open relationship, more that I wanted to know what caused it and how to prevent that thing from returning (which in this case was my mental health). You're entitled to your own beliefs, but why call me vile?

I think your overthinking the whole issue and have become entrenched in your own needs and wants. I think you and your husband should rent a cottage in the lake district, walk by day and talk at night. Some nice wine and food, log fire and rediscover your zest for each other.

@Raidblunner I'm sure I would enjoy those activities as probably would my husband, but why have you skipped my question as to why it's my responsibility to keep his masculinity protected?

It would also be 100+ miles to the Lake District, which would not be safe during a pandemic and I'm not willing to roll the dice with anyone's life.

** in fact I rephrased my question as a statement in the original post, so I'll ask; why do you think it's my responsibility to make sure he doesn't feel emasculated?