Considering an open relationship.

[preacherman]

I've NCed.

DH and I got married very very young (pre 18.) I had a lot of sexual partners before I met him, and he only had one drunken one-night-stand with a friend before meeting me. He's a very monogamous, traditional person and I don't know what I am- he's always been keen on a long term relationship / marriage / kids etc.

Every six months the issue of having an open relationship keeps cropping up (something that I possibly want and something he possibly doesn't want). He's essentially saying, "Let's do it so we can stop talking about it" and saying that having to talk about an open relationship constantly is worse than just having an open relationship.

I feel a bit lost. Every time we've had these conversations and come to the conclusion that we'll have an open relationship, sometime during the next day I decide it's not worth the difficulty, but it keeps cropping up time and time again and I can't shake the feeling. Maybe it's to do with my MH issues, but my MH is a lot better recently and I don't know what could be causing it.

I know that open relationships on here are NOT popular, nor is the success rate high, especially when it's from a previously monogamous marriage & one partner gets more out of it.
I'm not necessarily asking for advice on having an open relationship, more what could be causing me to feel like I need one and how to stop that thing from cropping up again (I understand this whole post may make me sound like a shit person, which I admittedly might be, but I promise I'm genuinely trying to sort myself out).

Divorce doesn't really seem like an option, if that's anyone's first thought.

OP I wouldn't bother replying to people who haven't RTFT.
It's clear to those that have, that looking for emotionless sex outside marriage is a symptom of your trauma. You don't really want an open relationship, you want to feel better.
I'd explain it to your husband this way and talk to him about it what you've written here. He needs to support you, and especially if you're going to find the money for counselling.

@Charlieeee76 I guess even though I went into marriage probably quite blindly at 16, it's still a commitment to me. I know that seems odd as often people see open relationships as a lack of commitment (which is also maybe why I don't actually to my core want one, it's just surface level damage) but I'm committed to marriage and I think if for whatever reason this one failed I might not get married again.

Hi @GreenRoadSigns Thank you for your post, I genuinely appreciate it. I feel a bit guilty not writing back something long and well thought out in response, but I want to acknowledge that I'm listening and appreciate everything you've said. Definitely writing down what I think would actually be happening as opposed to what my brain likes to fantasize is probably a good way of sorting out what I want from what is just impulse. Thank you. x

@Cavagirl I know I just always have an urge to explain things to people who take the OP and run with it. Maybe that's my fault for drip feeding though (if so I'm sorry). You're right about wanting to feel better as opposed to wanting an open relationship. I think I'm just trying to self medicate. I'll have a conversation with him when he gets back tonight, I'm just not sure what points are crucial for him to hear and what's just upsetting / unnecessary. x

Alongside the Esther Perel recommendation from a pp, I'll also recommend Anna Runkle (her website and youtube channel are 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy') as I think her material on dealing with self-defeating behaviours, dysregulation, and on healing without ruminating on the past could be helpful.

My spouse and I are similar - I had a lot of sexual partner, at least in my comparison to my partner who had two partners before me, neither of which became sexual. When we started dating, we were not exclusive, but I was the only one of us with other partners and we only really became exclusive because after I immigrated. I didn't really have any energy or thought for it - I kinda put my time before moving in with him in a box and moved on.

When we went through what my spouse calls 'the hell years' (multiple family terminal illness and deaths, health issues for my spouse and I, my career going wildly off where I wanted it to be, and so much other chaos), I became dysregulated to a severe degree much of the time. My brain was everywhere, and one of the wheres it went was my teen years, and what I did then and what I wish I could do then. In discussing those maladaptive daydreams with my spouse, he pointed out maybe that's what I needed.

After several more months of hell which I compounded by trying to be polyamorous in the way that the communities around us said was the "right" way which was awful for us, I learned through those and other community spaces I'd become more actively part of that while I'm glad I unboxed and acknowledged that part of me that is open and happy to love multiple people, but that I more wanted more connections with others and within my own marriage rather than more sexual relationships. Isolation was leading to dysregulation that I was wanting to 'solve' through unhealthy behaviours.

Shasta Nelson's work on friendships was great when working through this, now my spouse and I both view ourselves as polyamorous as we're open if it happens, but spending our energy actively pushing for that tends to cause more harm than good. When I start to feel a need more actively pursue, I view that as a signal to be making date plans with my spouse and increasing the time I'm spending socializing either with old friends or with making new ones. This last month or so of lockdown have been particularly messing with my head, especially as a couple of my once very close platonically affectionate friends have really gone their own way in the last year or so and I'm feeling down that it seems unlikely we'll ever get what we had back.

So I've taken advice from another thread on here recently on friend-finding and joined peanut (app for parents looking for friends) and Bumble BFF (which has been the best for me), even reopened my Feeld which is technically a dating app that is meant to more open to couples and unusualness, but the 'unusualness' can include affectionate friends or looking for friends with the same sexuality/polyness, though of the 3, it's the most flexible, but least useful if you don't want to spend a lot of time sifting through people who just want a third for a threesome. Really, entering dating apps and other dating spaces these days can be enough to knock dreamy ideas of wanting to deal with that again back into reality.

@BiBabbles
I'll look on Bumble BFF - never heard of it but it sounds quite cool (I'll also look on Peanut if I ever sort myself out enough to have kids). It's great you felt you could have that conversation with your husband though, and it's good you're on a similar wavelength when it comes to sex / relationships. I think I'm probably just yearning for friendship but I see a relationship or sex as kind of elevated - because there are less boundaries you can be much more intimate with someone (which in turn means I value friendships lower and often think I have sexual or romantic attraction to people solely because they're my friend and they have interesting qualities). I think I need to value friendship as a thing on it's own and be comfortable being intimate with someone without having to make it romantic or sexual necessarily.

Thank you for your post though, was an interesting read. x

Hi Op. I don't have any advice, I'm just feeling similar to you.
I love DH, but I have been considering this also. DH has emotional detachment which brings a lot of unhappiness for me. Sex is silent, lacking in passion and no matter what I do to spice it up or change it, it goes back to the same. I'm leaning to an open marriage because I want good sex basically. I can deal with everything else, just want some passion in my life

@MaxwellTheThird I'm sorry you feel similar - it's not a comfortable way to feel (particularly if you have a partner who feels differently / potentially takes it as a criticism). Have you spoken to your DH about it? If so, what's his perspective?

Hugs to you

I do want to lay into you or anything but dont be one of those people who constantly try to tell people 'im a good person' whilst doing very much not good things to those around you. You know how this would look if it was him pressuring you surely.

@preacherman Thank you. I am on the stately homes threads (but I have NC for this). I lost my virginity by way of rape at 16. I was emotionally and physically abused as a child, luckily not sexually. I slept with a lot men in my youth, and yes I have issues with self esteem etc. This though, I just don't want to go through the rest of my life with rubbish sex.

I have spoken with DH, we've been together 13 years and I've been unhappy on and off for a couple of years now. He isn't keen, he would be heartbroken about it, but equally has said he would rather be open then lose me together. His biggest fear is that I would develop feelings for someone. He had a tough life too, and knows he hurts me with his behaviour. Being emotionally detached he shows no emotions whether that be happiness, excitement, sadness. I know very little of his past as he is selective with what he shares. He appreciates I'm more sexual then him, and have more confidence. He's not lacking in libido, but suffers with premature ejaculation and it makes me more self conscious.
I don't know what the solution is really. I know I'm not leaving him, but it does make for a long and depressing life as I am unhappy. Guess I want to have my cake and eat it?

@user1471565182 I'm not saying I'm a good person, in fact I'm probably somewhere on the shittier end. But I think for me personally doing the morally wrong thing would be repressing my feelings, not talking to him about it and then cheating on him down the line. What would be the better thing to do, in your opinion?

@MaxwellTheThird I hear you, and from what you've said I can empathise with your situation in certain ways. I think trying to find a compromise is usually the best way to go, rather than "I feel bad about x, so it's never going to work out and I'll quietly leave" for example (this is just based on my own experiences though, obviously). I've not really got any advice or support to offer honestly - it's a shit situation for everyone involved, but I try and remember that I'm still talking and remaining open about having potentially shitty impulses which makes both my husband and I happier than having covert affairs.

I hope it all gets a bit less painful and difficult for you soon, whatever your resulting circumstances are

If you are in the UK, I could maybe give you some advice how to get some free counselling if you give me a rough idea of location (county or large city) thats really at the root of this- past experiences, not your supposed 'bad' personality or whatever

I think your just horny

@user1471565182 Scotland! Can't get any more specific unfortunately, bit concerned about privacy from this thread anyway. Thank you for your help.

@notanotheronepleasee Excellent assessment, doc

@preacherman haha. I know, but could it be that? It's just a simple way to look at it

We've finally come to the agreement that he needs professional help for his issues. His GP thinks DH could be on the spectrum too, but has refused investigations previously.
I adore DH, I truly do although it probably doesn't read that way. Same for you, and some PP have judged you on this. I'm glad I came across your thread, as I can relate to you.

There is a specific form of therapy discussed a lot on the Stately Homes thread called EMDR. I had a shitty childhood, have had many risky sexual exploits and extremely low self esteem. EMDR has helped enormously. Your counsellor will assess suitability (it's suitable for most but not all). It's a fast track therapy that is more efficient than talking therapies. I had 20 therapy sessions (13 EMDR and 7 talking) over a 6 month period and my life is now unrecognisable. The sun has finally come out for me. My sessions were £50 a go.

Money is tight and I know jobs are scarce but I'd prioritise sorting your MH like your life depends on it. Cheaper than divorce perhaps and far better for you.

I see you're in education. Do you feel you give yourself credit for all your achievements? I bet there's loads you should feel proud about, particularly doing so well in spite of childhood abuse. Putting the focus back on yourself and realising all the good you've done might help fill the hole.

I should have said in England really but I've heard of Living Life in Scotland, its over the phone and aimed more at people with anxiety and depression (which I think you said you've had), but I think that and this problem will have mutual causes you could try discuss with them as a start

www.nhs24.scot/our-services/living-life/#:~:text=The%20Living%20Life%20service%20offers,Friday%3A%201pm%20%2D%209pm).

@MaxwellTheThird I think there's an idea that you can love people enough to eradicate your own issues (e.g. in this context having an open relationship) and so people often assume that if you're struggling with an issue like this it must mean you don't love or value your partner. Whereas realistically, I would probably be having the same issue in an alternate relationship because it's caused by my MH - you may have a different experience and that's fine too.
I have no doubt in my mind that you do love your husband. Relationships are just hard work with very little breaks, even when you love and value someone. Thank you for contributing, I appreciate your insights and experiences x

@notanotheronepleasee Crazier things have happened, I suppose!

I'm sorry you're struggling with this OP. I can relate because I had traumatic experiences in my teen years that led me to use sex as a way to make me feel wanted or better about myself. It's clear from your posts that you need some help processing your past and improving your self esteem. Have you tried Mind? They offer discounted counselling if money is tight and they were so helpful to me when I needed help with my MH.

I hear what you say about being honest with your husband about how you feel, but in this case I think you need to set a boundary for yourself that suggesting an open relationship to him is a line you won't ever cross again. He's said no very clearly, and continuing to bring it up is pressure. I say this as someone who has been in his position. However, that's different to talking to him about WHY you feel this way, which is a conversation that I think would be worth having so that he can understand what's at the root of it.

Also, could you possibly access any services through your higher education?

From all the responses the focus has mainly been about you. Seriously step out of yourself and consider the prospect of your husband fucking another woman. Her giving him pleasure beyond anything you have ever provided for him. Comforting him emotionally & physically. Tending to all his needs, making him laugh and cry at her tenderness and loving touch. And both of them lying together and discussing you. Is that what you really want? Because thats how this ends!

Oh and for me, I work with people in good physical shape, which DH has neglected himself. I get a bit girlish when a male makes it clear he's attracted to me. It's a powerful feeling, knowing someone desires you. I haven't cheated, but I could. Selfishly I want to have a clear conscious to kiss someone or have sex with someone else and an open marriage would sort of do that.
I realise I sound more of a dick (polite word) the more I write, and DH deserves more than me.

@allthedamnvampires I've heard of EMDR, but never looked into it specifically - what do the sessions entail, if you don't mind me asking?
You're right about counselling being cheaper than divorce, there's a quote for the mantelpiece .

I probably don't give myself credit for my academic achievements, no. I think that's because I'm pretty middle class, so it's just the expected thing at this point! Maybe I'll just throw myself a party every time I get a good grade hahaha. Thank you for your help!

@user1471565182 Thank you for the link - anything over the phone seems good for me as I'm a bit socially anxious and would probably have trouble logistically going far. I'm compiling a list of all these tools though so thank you for everyone who's adding suggestions.

Sorry for gatecrashing BTW. I'll shut up now