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Original poster

Married to ASD partner - so lonely

194 replies

whenoneoneknows · 15/10/2020 09:13

As the title says.
Married 20 years; ASD 'D'H makes for a very lonely life for me. He's not interested in hearing my thoughts/ideas/how my day has been or making idle/passing chat with me. The condition means he is totally thoughtless and selfish and prefers to be left alone most of the time. He is happy for me not to talk to him and wouldn't see that as odd or perceive me to be in a mood/purposely ignoring him.

I remember years ago - before Mdcs took pymt by card - we'd be out in the car and he would ask me to drive past Mcds as he fancied some food. I'd ask him to get me something too and his response would be 'but Ive only got enough money for me'.

There are no thoughts of him doing something nice for me or to save me the burden of a specific chore, even something little like saying I can have a lie in while he sorts the school run out ONE morning. I always take the day off work for my birthday, he never asks if he should too so we can do something together, he just wouldn't think to do it. This year for my bday I brought my own cards for the children to write for me/brought my own gift and cake and wrapping paper. The only surprise from him was the cake candles. Everything has to literally be spelt out for him. There is no reading of body language; he is a very literal person. I have to ask him on whatsapp about any decisions he needs to agree to - that way I have it on record when he later disputes what he said, if I dont ask him in writing then I never get an answer from him. He cannot make a decision, I have to do it all - even choosing what he wants for dinner. I refuse to make his decisions now.

There is no option to leave due to the children.

Its just a sad lonely life. If I won a luxury holiday of my dreams for 2 then I'd take my bestie over H.

Anyone want to hear about my week ?!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2020 09:22

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Is this how you want to live for the rest of your life going forward because this sounds utterly miserable for all of your family unit.

You only need to give your own self permission to leave.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. One day your children will leave home, what then for you and your H?. Would you leave only when they left home; its far too late then and you would likely wonder why you did not leave years earlier. Staying for the sake of the children has indeed done you and in turn them no favours at all, you two are providing them the blueprint for their relationships going forward. Do not use your children as a reason to stay within such a marriage; they are not going to say "thank mum" to you for doing that to them.

IdblowJonSnow · 15/10/2020 09:28

Of course you dont have to stay because of the kids!
I would suggest you do leave because this sounds miserable and you're both doing them no favours showing this as a model of a relationship.
Have you spoken to your DH about it? Does he not get it? I think people can have ASD and not behave like this so maybe he's just very selfish?

hillfda · 15/10/2020 09:33

I have ASD and my partner never fails to feel loved. Maybe this isn't about his ASD but about him as a person?

liverpoolgal82 · 15/10/2020 09:34

I could have written that word for word. Married 15 years. I don't know the answer as I'm searching for it every day. Till the kids are more grown I get my emotional support from my many friends and yes definitely prefer holidays with my extended family or a friend. I get you.

decoraters · 15/10/2020 09:35

I'm also autistic, but not a cunt. Please don't 'blame' this behaviour in your husbands ASD.

edwinbear · 15/10/2020 09:37

Why did you marry him OP? Has he always been like this?

goisey · 15/10/2020 09:39

My exh was like this, not ASD - just a majorly entitled arsehole.

Just leave, it sounds like a miserable existence if you stay. I worry your dc are being brought up in a dysfunctional family and that will screw up their future relationships.

CausingChaos2 · 15/10/2020 09:41

This is no life. Please realise that you deserve to be happy and feel loved. You get one life, is this how you deserve to spend yours?

FatCatThinCat · 15/10/2020 09:45

I agree with the others. My husband is autistic and is the most loving, generous, caring person I have ever met. ASD is not an excuse for being a selfish, cold, arse.

EatDessertFirst · 15/10/2020 09:52

Has he always been like this? If so, why did you marry him?

I'm on the spectrum and would never treat my DP the way your H treats you. Its him who is a cunt, not the ASD. Is that what you want your DC to learn is normal as they grow up?

Monty12345 · 15/10/2020 09:55

Why did you get married in the first place? From the accounts on here it appears that men are just babies these days - why do women marry them? I mean, a married man playing on an xbox ffs?A married man arguing about who should do that and pay for this? My wife and I have been married for 25 years and if I had been anything like the babies that are generated these days my wife would have left me decades ago.

PineappleUpsideDownCake · 15/10/2020 09:57

My dad was like this towards me (but not his new wife.). Also autistic. I don't think all people on the spectrum are like this at all (my daughter is diagnosed and I strongly suspect I am not NT). Some autistic men Ive met do seem to be unable to think about others outside of their wants without prodding.

HollowTalk · 15/10/2020 09:57

The good thing about leaving him is that he wouldn't object. How could he? It's no life for you and your kids. Are you saying you can't leave for financial reasons?

PineappleUpsideDownCake · 15/10/2020 10:00

Whenoneoneknows. It sounds really really hard. Whatever the reason he's behaving like he is you don't have to accept it long term? (I've done the planning my own birthday thing too. I left out eggs and a cake mix for partner to do with kids. He was genuinely amazed that they were so pleased and I was so pleased !)

Also... how was your week....

decoraters · 15/10/2020 10:00

Some autistic men Ive met do seem to be unable to think about others outside of their wants without prodding.

I have changed that for you. Some MEN are like this, autism has nothing to do with it.

PineappleUpsideDownCake · 15/10/2020 10:05

It really does. I think because the intent isnt there.

PineappleUpsideDownCake · 15/10/2020 10:05

So you know they're not doing it because theyre callous/evil etc but because it really wouldn't occur to them.

HyperHippo · 15/10/2020 10:17

There used to be a brilliant thread for people with ASD partners or family members. It was basically your post over and over with people sharing experiences and generally getting support. I don't know what happened to it.

No specific advice as PP have given lots of perspective but just to say I know how it feels.

I wish the other thread was still around for you.

ChaChaCha2012 · 15/10/2020 10:24

The condition means he is totally thoughtless and selfish and prefers to be left alone most of the time.

No, the condition does not mean that at all.

Don't confuse ASD with being an arsehole. It's ignorant and ableist.

PineappleUpsideDownCake · 15/10/2020 10:31

I remember that thread Hyper. OP your expeerience really isnt unusual.

ChaCha the person may well not be thoughtless and selfish but it can come across like that to a NT. It can work require a lot of communication.

SnuggyBuggy · 15/10/2020 10:35

If you aren't willing or able to leave to could consider trying to build on any relationships you have with people who do take an interest in your life and treat you better? Does your husband show any signs of being open to trying to change things?

SBTLove · 15/10/2020 10:36

I’m sorry but I’m getting really pissed off with selfish nasty men being explained away because they have ASD, ADHD etc
He’s a functioning adult who is capable of retaining information and listening to you.
This attitude does a disservice and creates the idea that anyone with ^^ is a selfish thoughtless arse.
My DS20 has Aspergers and is a kind, thoughtful person alongside some rigid habits but he is easy to talk to and request things off.

nickelbabe · 15/10/2020 10:37

He's a twat because he's a twat, not because he's autistic.
autistic does not equal twat.

PineappleUpsideDownCake · 15/10/2020 10:40

www.aane.org/marriage-aspergers-syndrome-14-practical-strategies/

This is interesting. No 11 is about communication and gives an example where an autistic partner might not be able to instincitvely "know" what is needed but can understand with good communication.

The whole article is interesting.

I don't think it helps to not acknowledge that it is sometimes difficult when married to someone autistic. (A quick google shows a number of articles).

However I dont think it helps to blame or label with uncaring etc as thats not what it is.

OverTheRubicon · 15/10/2020 10:43

I think these threads are often muddied by a lot of non-official diagnosis going on. Women come on to complain about 'ASD' husbands who aren't, they're just chilly arseholes. And then other people who've self diagnosed coming on to say they're not like that - which maybe they aren't, as all people with ASD are of course different, but they also might be nothing like that because they're not actually autistic. It's not able-ist to point out that some features of ASD can make it much harder for both partners to function well in a traditional relationship.

Fwiw, my stbxh has been diagnosed with ASD and it was hugely a contributing factor to our split. When he has time to think about other people's perspectives, he's tremendously kind. However in the busy day to day of life with work and multiple DCs, life could get very overwhelming for him, and he'd end up shutting down and focussing on work, using computer games as wind down and generally neglecting me and the kids. Covid made it even worse, and he started getting very angry, which was when I realised that living together was wrong for all of us. I care for him deeply but unless you are both very very committed it can feel impossible.

If you think there is hope for you, or if you truly are trapped (which i suspect you might not be if it's 'just' the kids, they'll be better off splitting time between two happier homes and realising that this is not a good model.of.an adult relationship), then you should speak to a couples counsellor with experience of ASD. Action for Aspergers has some, or others are online. Avoid Maxine Aston, she writes a lot about it, but her writing seems to be so strongly anti-ASD that it does come across as ableist and also is unlikely to.make your DH ok to.take part. Good luck