Married to ASD partner - so lonely

[whenoneoneknows]

As the title says.
Married 20 years; ASD 'D'H makes for a very lonely life for me. He's not interested in hearing my thoughts/ideas/how my day has been or making idle/passing chat with me. The condition means he is totally thoughtless and selfish and prefers to be left alone most of the time. He is happy for me not to talk to him and wouldn't see that as odd or perceive me to be in a mood/purposely ignoring him.

I remember years ago - before Mdcs took pymt by card - we'd be out in the car and he would ask me to drive past Mcds as he fancied some food. I'd ask him to get me something too and his response would be 'but Ive only got enough money for me'.

There are no thoughts of him doing something nice for me or to save me the burden of a specific chore, even something little like saying I can have a lie in while he sorts the school run out ONE morning. I always take the day off work for my birthday, he never asks if he should too so we can do something together, he just wouldn't think to do it. This year for my bday I brought my own cards for the children to write for me/brought my own gift and cake and wrapping paper. The only surprise from him was the cake candles. Everything has to literally be spelt out for him. There is no reading of body language; he is a very literal person. I have to ask him on whatsapp about any decisions he needs to agree to - that way I have it on record when he later disputes what he said, if I dont ask him in writing then I never get an answer from him. He cannot make a decision, I have to do it all - even choosing what he wants for dinner. I refuse to make his decisions now.

There is no option to leave due to the children.

Its just a sad lonely life. If I won a luxury holiday of my dreams for 2 then I'd take my bestie over H.

Anyone want to hear about my week ?!

Over. You put it better than I did
Sorry to hear about your split..hope you are okay x

I completely sympathise, OP. I came across a thread on MN about being married to someone with ASD and I cried, because it described my husband's behaviour in exact detail. It has helped me understand him a little better, but that doesn't make life with him any easier.
The only thing I can say is that he has definitely become worse as he has got older. I don't know if that's just him, but if he had been like this 20 years ago, I'm not sure we'd still be together now.

@Monty12345

Why did you get married in the first place? From the accounts on here it appears that men are just babies these days - why do women marry them? I mean, a married man playing on an xbox ffs?A married man arguing about who should do that and pay for this? My wife and I have been married for 25 years and if I had been anything like the babies that are generated these days my wife would have left me decades ago.

I don't think it's so different now. The x-box is simply a modern extensions of a man's shed. A man shed is where he went to escape the world and family life (with the bonus of developing practical skills).

Today, a lot of men put on noise cancelling headphones and disappear into a shed in their own minds. Sometimes they play with other men online which gives it a social component, but sometimes they do it alone.

A lot of it has to do with parenting. Many men are still coddled by their parents well into their 20s as if they were helpless infants. They do things for them that they would not for their daughters, despite our apparent leap fowards in sex or gender equality. I was chatting to an ex of mine many years ago and I think we were in our mid twenties at the time. He wanted me to send him some of his old belongings which would have incurred quite a postage cost. He said he intended to pay me via a bank transfer for the cost of postage. 'Oh?' I said, 'so you're doing online banking now?'. Throughout all our time at university his mum had done it for him, and I was pleasantly surprised that now, finally, in mid twenties he had actually begun being more of an adult. 'Oh no', he said 'My mum will do that'. I was reminded why I wasn't sad to split up with him. It would have been crap living together.

It’s not just you OP.

Lots of useful ideas here including meeting your own needs as well as everyone else’s.

different-together.co.uk/

@whenoneoneknows

Try going to this thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3524836-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-support-thread-4-replacement-one

I don’t understand. You can leave him. I have friends who have left their husbands with kids of all variety of ages. You’re not in prison but it sounds like you are! There is a better life than this. It sounds utterly miserable!

I'm not sure how severe his ASD is, can he not hold down a job? If he can then he can surely think for himself, perhaps it's selective because he's lazy. Survival kicks in for most that have to.

I have two children with ASD and a a husband who has a lot of ASD traits and a string family history (uncle and brother also have it), so not officially diagnosed but struggles with new things, doesn't understand some social situations etc.

Honestly OP it sounds like your husband is an ass which has nothing to do with ASD. My children, husband, and brother in law wouldn't act like that. People can be selfish with or without ASD.

It sounds like an unhappy marriage, I can't image choosing to stay in a marriage like that.

I agree with many that this is not related to his condition, its his personality. How on earth did you even get to marriage? And why can't you leave... Kids and money are not an excuse.

Selfishness and autism do not go hand in hand.

Perhaps the most hurtful of the myths about autism is the idea that people with the condition are, by nature, asocial and selfish. It’s true that social difficulties are a hallmark of the condition, and there is plenty of research showing that people with autism struggle with ‘theory of mind’ (ToM) tasks that involve putting themselves in other people’s shoes. However, it’s important to realise that ToM involves two elements – a cognitive component and an emotional component. Although people with autism often struggle with the cognitive challenge of taking another person’s perspective, there is not necessarily anything lacking in their feelings for other people’s joy and pain.

@Cantbreathe2020 - no it's not. They struggle to understand things from other perspectives, that's typical of ASD but selfishness isn't. I guess it's how you define selfish I suppose. My eldest who is high functioning will invite a friend over and then ignore him completely (I guess because he doesn't belong in the house) but if he has sweets or anything will happily share them. He gave his hat the other day to a friend who said it looked nice because he has two hats so could only wear one.

My Lower functioning child will share and give away his last, he doesn't really understand or associate with other children but if often wanting to give things to adults in his life. He gave other brother half of his can today because his brother (non-Asd) bought him a con yesterday.

They certainly struggle with understanding others or thinking or considering others, but they are not selfish. Even my brother in law, who like my children can get fixated on things and ignore everything else but often that fixation is on buying something for his mum or planning a holiday with his parents. I wouldn't call that selfish.

Each child and adult with autism is different. ASD could certainly reinforce selfish tendencies but it's far from the case that all people with autism are selfish.

To be fair, this self focused behavior is very typical of ASD. I have a child with ASD. As you know, every person with ASD is slightly different to another. However one common denominator is selfish behaviour. It's a proven fact, so please don't turn this thread into a righteous attack on OP.

Get a grip there was absolutely no attack on OP

Also, being selfish is not a fucking 'common denominator'

Autism in-fighting aside, OP, what do you get out of this relationship, and why can't you leave? Does your DH work? Would he pay you maintenance? There are always ways to leave if you are really unhappy.

Tell us about your week, please!

The annoying thing about the autistic partner threads is that they ALWAYS descend into talking about autism, rather than the poor behaviour. OPs are given lots of suggestions of how to help or support their partners... and as always, the needs of the autistic partner are put first. Usually, this is exactly what the OP is complaining about in the first place!

It's always the parents of children with ASD who come on to say that ASD doesn't imply selfish, and that it's just that the ops DH is an arse. Then others come on to helpful add that the OP was an idiot for marrying them in the first place.

As both a parent of a child with ASD and wife of someone with ASD, I think that's not really fair to other posters or to autistic people themselves.

My stbxh and my dc are not selfish in the traditional sense. When they have time to think through another person's perspective, or they are alerted to it, they are both kind and generous. They would not prioritise their own happiness over another's unhappiness.

HOWEVER in a relationship, especially with young children, we are busy, we react minute to minute, we don't have time to always deeply ponder another's thoughts (for the ASD partner) or to alert someone else to our own (for the NT partner). There are also a lot of pressures that can be very hard to tolerate for someone with ASD. Through hundreds and thousands of tiny interactions and decisions, this tends to mean, in many cases and certainly in mine, that the partner with ASD can be far more self-centred in their actions and thoughts than many NT partners - and that they become far more so with pressure of DCs, finances, covid etc. It can certainly look from the outside like just being an arse, but that's not fair to them, or to the person who got together with them at a time when they probably had more time to communicate and far less pressure.

If his autism is the root of his selfishness, wasn't he like this when you got together - in which case why did you marry him. He hasn't suddenly become autistic! More likely than he behaved differently towards you before and doesn't feel the need to think about your needs now you've been together for so long - in which case it has nothing to do with his ASD and everything to do with being selfish and inconsiderate.

You may not feel you can leave right now, but I’d consider a long term exit if I were you. This is no way to live, OP. Buying your own birthday cards and presents...☹️ The other thing to consider is the effect on your children. They’re growing up observing thoughtless and selfish behavior and they may think it’s normal to treat your partner like that.

I think you'll find a hell of a lot of posters have come on to say we are autistic and autistic doesn't mean you can be a selfish arsehole, or a cunt or a twat.
It's personality, not neurology that makes you a knobber.

Basically, OP , it all boils down to the fact that you hate being married to your husband, so leave him before you're both miserable forever.

[quote Catmaiden]@whenoneoneknows

Try going to this thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3524836-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-support-thread-4-replacement-one[/quote]
I really recommend the above thread, and the three of the same name that have run previously x

OverTheRUbicorn. Another fab post I agree with so much!

Of course you can leave him, don't be ridiculous and don't be a martyr. Your marriage is fucking miserable and this is a horrible environment to raise children in. If you choose to stay, you have to at some point acknowledge that you are the maker of your own misery.

@nickelbabe

I think you'll find a hell of a lot of posters have come on to say we are autistic and autistic doesn't mean you can be a selfish arsehole, or a cunt or a twat. It's personality, not neurology that makes you a knobber.

Sure. But what I think a lot of us are trying to say is that it's also quite possible for a perfectly decent person to find that their asd can make them, under pressure, behave in ways that look from the outside like being a knobber.

My mil tells me that stbxh was a very placid, sweet, slightly detached little boy who got anxious and resistant if too many demands were put on him and would have rare but immense meltdowns when he reached overload. Now he's an adult, and he doesn't have meltdowns. Instead he's a quiet, sweet and slightly detached adult, who has over the years increasingly retreated from the challenges of dealing with family life and a DD with ASD, and who has rare but absolutely terrifying rages when he reaches overload. That's not being a knobber, or a twat, it's the same person, but grown.

In his case - and I appreciate that this is certainly not the case for all people with ASD, I know that in what I've read, women in particular are less likely to have issues with anger - he is not equipped to cope with the sensory overload and demands of living in a house with a young family, and covid and WFH exacerbated the issue.
I understand you don't want people to immediately lump together ASD and selfishness. But to claim that the self-centredness or meltdowns or other difficult behaviours that others do experience with the condition are just down to them being a knob is also unfair to people with ASD, and to the others who chose to build a life together with them, not stupidly, but with a lack of knowledge about the condition and what it might mean with life changes.

The thing is, it's a bit like someone who sets fire to your house by accident, and someone doing it on purpose.
The individuals concerned caused the fire for very different reasons but to you, the one in the house, it really doesn't matter. The house is still on fire around you, and your house is burning down.

And that, for me, is the reality of living with a DH and adult DS both diagnosed with ASD.

They don't mean to be unkind , or hurtful, or selfish to me and DD. They are though, because they are atypical and have Autism.
And they do this, again, and again, and again.

And at some point, there is only so much a (NT) partner can take.

@Catmaiden

The thing is, it's a bit like someone who sets fire to your house by accident, and someone doing it on purpose. The individuals concerned caused the fire for very different reasons but to you, the one in the house, it really doesn't matter. The house is still on fire around you, and your house is burning down.

And that, for me, is the reality of living with a DH and adult DS both diagnosed with ASD.

They don't mean to be unkind , or hurtful, or selfish to me and DD. They are though, because they are atypical and have Autism.
And they do this, again, and again, and again.

And at some point, there is only so much a (NT) partner can take.

This is a good way of putting it - you shouldn't have to suffer whether it's an intention or not