Married to ASD partner - so lonely

[whenoneoneknows]

As the title says.
Married 20 years; ASD 'D'H makes for a very lonely life for me. He's not interested in hearing my thoughts/ideas/how my day has been or making idle/passing chat with me. The condition means he is totally thoughtless and selfish and prefers to be left alone most of the time. He is happy for me not to talk to him and wouldn't see that as odd or perceive me to be in a mood/purposely ignoring him.

I remember years ago - before Mdcs took pymt by card - we'd be out in the car and he would ask me to drive past Mcds as he fancied some food. I'd ask him to get me something too and his response would be 'but Ive only got enough money for me'.

There are no thoughts of him doing something nice for me or to save me the burden of a specific chore, even something little like saying I can have a lie in while he sorts the school run out ONE morning. I always take the day off work for my birthday, he never asks if he should too so we can do something together, he just wouldn't think to do it. This year for my bday I brought my own cards for the children to write for me/brought my own gift and cake and wrapping paper. The only surprise from him was the cake candles. Everything has to literally be spelt out for him. There is no reading of body language; he is a very literal person. I have to ask him on whatsapp about any decisions he needs to agree to - that way I have it on record when he later disputes what he said, if I dont ask him in writing then I never get an answer from him. He cannot make a decision, I have to do it all - even choosing what he wants for dinner. I refuse to make his decisions now.

There is no option to leave due to the children.

Its just a sad lonely life. If I won a luxury holiday of my dreams for 2 then I'd take my bestie over H.

Anyone want to hear about my week ?!

Yes , and neither should @whenoneoneknows.

And for those saying "if he has ASD, he must have been like it before, so why did you marry him"
It is very common for people with ASD to choose a potential partner as a "special interest" and behave in totally different ways to win them over and fall in love.
Once that is achieved, it all goes away.
Or, they are ok until children or other challenges come along, then (as pp have outlined) they become overwhelmed and withdraw or meltdown.

You have one life. Why would you choose to live your life this way.

Make a life away from this man and be happy!

it just sounds so awful, what was he like pre marriage, if you married him their must have been something good?

I feel for you OP. My dhs ASD(diagnosed for all those who insist we are just making it up) has become much more prominent as he ages.
You will get(as you have seen) a lot of people just calling him an ass and saying asd has nothing to do with it but you know and I know differently. We live with it, we know them, don't let the people here gaslight you and make you doubt yourself.

There are many women in your shoes, you aren't alone. I think most people with partners with asd stopped sharing here because they found they got shouted down a lot by people who insisted that they knew better. They are a lot of closed Facebook groups that only allow neurotypical partners of those with ASD. They are a good space to talk and feel understood. I know myself sometimes I just need to talk to someone who 'gets it'. I'm not looking for solutions at this point, he is who is and I am who I am, I will leave eventually once I know that the children will be OK and that dh will be OK.

@OverTheRubicon

It's always the parents of children with ASD who come on to say that ASD doesn't imply selfish, and that it's just that the ops DH is an arse. Then others come on to helpful add that the OP was an idiot for marrying them in the first place.

As both a parent of a child with ASD and wife of someone with ASD, I think that's not really fair to other posters or to autistic people themselves.

My stbxh and my dc are not selfish in the traditional sense. When they have time to think through another person's perspective, or they are alerted to it, they are both kind and generous. They would not prioritise their own happiness over another's unhappiness.

HOWEVER in a relationship, especially with young children, we are busy, we react minute to minute, we don't have time to always deeply ponder another's thoughts (for the ASD partner) or to alert someone else to our own (for the NT partner). There are also a lot of pressures that can be very hard to tolerate for someone with ASD. Through hundreds and thousands of tiny interactions and decisions, this tends to mean, in many cases and certainly in mine, that the partner with ASD can be far more self-centred in their actions and thoughts than many NT partners - and that they become far more so with pressure of DCs, finances, covid etc. It can certainly look from the outside like just being an arse, but that's not fair to them, or to the person who got together with them at a time when they probably had more time to communicate and far less pressure.

Exactly!!! 👍🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. At this point I think you have to do what is right for you. If you are unhappy then you have to leave as it doesn’t sound like anything is going to change.

However, this is not to do with autism. It’s his personality. I’m autistic and I am the complete opposite, I’m extremely caring and responsive to people needs. My older brother is the same and my little brother who has ‘classic’ or ‘severe’ autism is the most caring person you could meet.

I hope you’re okay and find a way to be happy OP - sending hugs -

I’d also love to hear about your week, if that would help :)

I don’t think all his issues can be blamed on ASD. My husband, who has many ASD traits, was just like yours for the first few years together, until I said I wasn’t having any more of it. Since then he has completely changed for the better. Being kind and thoughtful doesn’t come naturally to him - it requires constant vigilance and effort on his part to make sure he’s not being a selfish dick - but he manages to do it! Yours can too.

Autistic here and I think he is just selfish and nothing to do with autism!! I would give my last penny to anyone and i always put my kids needs above my own

You CAN leave him, you're just telling yourself you can't. You're being your own worst enemy, you're putting the barriers there yourself and they're all in your head. Your children could actually be happier if you separated because eventually they would have a happier mum with more freedom.

It's nothing to do with ASD, he's just a wanker who's been diagnosed with ASD.

Of course you can leave him, no one is ever 'stuck' in a situation. Can you image what it will be like in 30 years if you remained with him? Now imagine what your life would look like if you left him now.

How can you say “it’s nothing to do with ASD”, how do you KNOW?

My husband has made it very clear that he has to concentrate very hard, and also LOVES his high powered job, and therefore is very good at it, and he just wants to relax at home. Which means, in reality, doing very little.

He does a few things by rote because at some point I’ve lost my shit about it, but it’s still based on avoiding me getting angry, not because he realises that it’s called being a team, or because it would make me feel good.

I have had many boyfriends, I know what narcissism looks like, I know what lazy looks like, and I know what Austism can do to a relationship. I know I’m neurodiverse, and my husband and one of my children are autistic.

Other autistic people can get as defensive as they like, I know that being autistic doesn’t mean being a nightmare, but you can be a nightmare because of some of your autistic traits. In the same way that I can be a nightmare because of my ADHD traits.

The big difference between us is that I will use some of my energy to try and be less frustrating, whereas DH is like a goldfish... you can tell him very specifically what the issue is, and he will understand it, but then is incapable of storing it away.

He’s terrified of my leaving, but even that is not enough for him to “change”.

As to leaving myself. I think about it all the time, but what does that say to my autistic child?

Sorry OP, no real answers, but feel your pain.

I think there is still not sufficient knowledge about ASD and it is a very broad term. I know several people with ASD and they are very different, not just personalities but how they relate to people so I think both perspectives are valid. Time will probably highlight the strands of ASD that will eventually explain why there are several different experiences.

For now I think it is reasonable for those who experience ASD + selfishness to be validated as well as those with ASD + kindness to also be validated.

Op, there is only a few approaches, develop coping mechanisms or leave. It does seem that age and busy lives excelerate characteristics.

You may just be at the stage where you start to accept that leaving is the only option, once you have acceptance the plans start to fall into place.

Op,

It's so interesting on threads relating to autism that if there's any criticism of the person with it, that it's all "It's not the ASD, it's the person", yet that NEVER gets said when someone lists the good things about the person with ASD.

Also similar with "if you know one person with autism, you know one person with autism". That one applies if you criticise an aspect of a person that is connected to a diagnosis (usually social functioning), yet threads get piled up with "I have autism and I'd never to X" or "My OH/DC has autism and they're not like that".

The fact is that the diagnosis involves differing degrees of reduced social functioning. It just does. And if you're in a relationship with someone who is unable to interact properly through no fault of their own, without it making them a bad person, and you're someone who has average social functioning, "lonely" doesn't even begin to describe it. It's soul-destroying and utterly shatters your confidence.

So to the people saying "it's nothing to do with his autism, he's just an arse" YOU are the ones calling someone with autism an arse, not the OP of anybody else. Read Rubick's post. It's the hundreds of micro interactions that build up over time to cause the problem, not things that happen when you're dating or child-free.

Autism causes some people to behave very selfishly in intimate relationships, even if they aren't intending to be selfish, or aren't selfish in other situations, or with people who are friends (so have a different type of emotional connection). It's not discrimination to say that. It's the horrible reality for some people. And it does not make the person whose behaviour is impacted a horrible person. It means their autism impacts them - and even more so those around them - in a different way than yours/your child's/your OH's/your friend's. And for that, you are extremely lucky.

OP you've been given some good links..I'd follow them if I were you.

Yup.

You can leave, OP. What it says to your ASD child depends on how you frame it. I wouldn't say your fathers autism drove me out of the marriage even if it's true! But it's the same for any divorce - the children will identify with both parents. The message to children can and should be very simple in a divorce. It can't be why you stay op. No one should stay here n a marriage that doesn't work.

I'm married to an ASD man and it's been a HUGE problem once kids came along. I didn't realize how much of what I thought was him in the early days was him masking. We've made it work but honestly some days I just feel like I'm torturing him. I will tell my ASD son to think long and hard about what he can cope with if he ever wants to get married.

My dad adored my mum and completely focused on her initially. Then he absolutely couldnt cope with children. For him she was his focus and we just got in the way/made that harder. He was awful to us and mum couldn't bear that!

To have a diagnosis of autism means having social/emotional/communication difficulties or you wouldn't get a diagnosis! So unsurprisingly these traits might just make marriage quite tricky. One study put the divorce rate at 80% for autistic adults.

www.autism-help.org/aspergers-syndrome-adults.htm

I've not read the whole thread, sorry. But Google 'cassandra syndrome'. It's a really interesting insight into how partners of asc men end up with mental health problems, depression etc through no fault of their own. Heres the first article I found:

theneurotypical.com/cassandra_phenomenon.html

[quote pequini]To have a diagnosis of autism means having social/emotional/communication difficulties or you wouldn't get a diagnosis! So unsurprisingly these traits might just make marriage quite tricky. One study put the divorce rate at 80% for autistic adults.

www.autism-help.org/aspergers-syndrome-adults.htm[/quote]
Agree with this. When one of the posters upthread who says that they have ASD also says that they are 'extremely responsive to the needs of others' (and that therefore OPs DH is just an arse) I wonder how this really fits with the triad of impairments. By definition, the majority of people with ASD will find it more work to decipher and/or to respond appropriately to the needs of others, that's usually a part of the diagnosis.

The triad of impairments is ableist and problematic. We only stick witb it because it gets diagnoses in an NT world.

Autistic people all have personalities of their own and it's really unfair to say that a selfish person is selfish because they are autistic.

It’s so hard. Intention does matter but so does impact in the end. So not just being an arse or not meaning to be but the impact on me is exhausting.

My DH has to spend a lot of time calming down after the demands of work. He has quite fixed ideas about what this looks likes. If something goes wrong like teens coming in to chat to me about something, he gets really stressed.

Of course he could calm down somewhere on his own but he likes me to be with him as part of the calming down scenario.

This sounds pretty low key but it leads to big tension and explosive upset from him and terrible stress and being torn for me. Our kids have their own sensitivities (sensory stuff, formal neurodiversity).

It’s impossible. He’s not being deliberately selfish but when he is overwhelmed he just cannot switch to what other people need.

I text him news when I can because if I tell him something (say about the kids) when we get a quiet moment he goes mad saying why did I spoil his calm time. It wasn’t me it’s just life which he finds really hard.

I get it but it is grinding me down.

@Sixeight - thank you SO much! I’ve just forwarded that article to my psychologist, we discuss this a lot, but neither of us had a name for it.

My exasperation at seeing DH do so much for others, which I know is out of duty/automatic reaction to doing the right thing, is highlighted here.

Everyone else thinks he’s a good egg because he will do anything for anyone (even if it puts his own family out in a dramatic way), and I’m sure this is about behaving in a way he was taught as a child. It is, of course, inherently wonderful that he would do so much for others, but leaves us feeling inferior or unloved.

There is a certain dark irony in any thread where women come to raise their challenges about living with partners with ASD being derailed by individuals with ASD (or autistic individuals, I appreciate that people self define differently) coming on to say that no, that is not *
their experience so it isn't true.

That is literally the thinking that is making so many of our lives, and those of our partners, so extremely challenging.