Married to ASD partner - so lonely

[whenoneoneknows]

As the title says.
Married 20 years; ASD 'D'H makes for a very lonely life for me. He's not interested in hearing my thoughts/ideas/how my day has been or making idle/passing chat with me. The condition means he is totally thoughtless and selfish and prefers to be left alone most of the time. He is happy for me not to talk to him and wouldn't see that as odd or perceive me to be in a mood/purposely ignoring him.

I remember years ago - before Mdcs took pymt by card - we'd be out in the car and he would ask me to drive past Mcds as he fancied some food. I'd ask him to get me something too and his response would be 'but Ive only got enough money for me'.

There are no thoughts of him doing something nice for me or to save me the burden of a specific chore, even something little like saying I can have a lie in while he sorts the school run out ONE morning. I always take the day off work for my birthday, he never asks if he should too so we can do something together, he just wouldn't think to do it. This year for my bday I brought my own cards for the children to write for me/brought my own gift and cake and wrapping paper. The only surprise from him was the cake candles. Everything has to literally be spelt out for him. There is no reading of body language; he is a very literal person. I have to ask him on whatsapp about any decisions he needs to agree to - that way I have it on record when he later disputes what he said, if I dont ask him in writing then I never get an answer from him. He cannot make a decision, I have to do it all - even choosing what he wants for dinner. I refuse to make his decisions now.

There is no option to leave due to the children.

Its just a sad lonely life. If I won a luxury holiday of my dreams for 2 then I'd take my bestie over H.

Anyone want to hear about my week ?!

@OverTheRubicon
Yes, this.

It's a lot of autistic women who say autism doesn't make you a twat.
And they are right, it doesn't.
Everyone with autism is different and the core issues are with social communication and interaction, and flexibility of thought.

My father and son are autistic. Neither is a twat. Neither would think to see to other people's needs, especially their NT emotional needs. Their social understanding is such that they, despite both being intelligent, simply don't get why someone might want a hug or that their behaviour has upset someone. They would just say "well that isn't how it was meant". An example: I hadn't seen my father in 8 months or so as he had been working abroad. The day he flew back to our family home I drove 5.5 hours with his 1 year old grandson who he had only met once. I arrived at 8:30 pm to find he had gone to bed. (He tends to go to bed early and wake early, but more usually between 9 and 10 pm). I was very upset and said so the next morning. He simply said he had been very tired after his flight. He could not for the life of him see how I might be upset that he couldn't stay up an extra hour to see me and the baby. In his head, he was very tired, so he went to bed. There was no shade, no hidden message. No upset intended. To him it was logical. Does this make him a twat? I think it makes him disabled.

My son pushed me away and i bumped my head on the car door when he was 15 and going on a school trip for a week. I had learned in to the car and tried to hug him and kiss the top of his head. It wasn't for him, it was for me because I was going to miss him. He pushed me away not because he does not love me but because he hates hugs. I know he hates hugs and did it any way. He didn't mean for me to bump my head. I was upset of course. Was he being a twat? No - I was, because I tried to put my needs above those of my disabled son, and his reaction was entirely predictable.

I do understand this is very different in a partnership than in parenthood or as a child of a parent. I think sometimes you have to spell it out and not be surprised when your partner's autism expresses itself in the way it always has. If you want a lie in, plan it. If you want presents, send a list and ask him to get 3 things from it, for example. Most autistic people aren't twats but they have a social understanding disability. It's the nature of the beast.

I invited my dad to come see the baby. His forst grandchild. Wed just moved and I was isolated and struggling.

He drove 2 hours to come to the hospital. And didnt get why I was miffed when 10mins later he was planning to go. "You wanted me to come and see the baby and I've seen it!?"

Everyone with autism is different and the core issues are with social communication and interaction, and flexibility of thought.

I work in an office with three other people, but due to covid we are rotating who works there, who works somewhere else in the building and who works from home.

One of my three colleagues is autistic and simply put, if the rota means that it is the two of us who are in at the same time, it does make for a more lonely day. Though we chat, in a way the way she talks is formulaic and I am not sure that she sees nuance (she is also literal) or what is really going on for people. In some ways she is like a child.

She recently offended a supplier because her tone can be brusque, but it is absolutely not intended maliciously, and I don’t think she understood why the supplier was so hurt (they withdrew their business). She asked me to have a look at the draft of what she was writing in response to their letter. I felt sorry for her because they had called her abusive, which of course she isn’t at all, but at the same time, I think that she has little understanding of the effect of tone of voice on people, and there have been a couple of occasions when I have noticed that her reactions are out of kilter with what someone is saying on the phone, and people find it upsetting. She might sound that way because she is trying to get on with some work and that call came through to her by mistake, at the same time not realising that sometimes people need more of an empathetic response whether the call came through to you by mistake or not.

So I can totally understand why someone with an autistic partner would feel lonely, because it is something about not really being seen, and not being properly seen in your personal life is painful and lonely. However much you might love someone.

This is difficult, as I do sympathise in many ways, a previous partner was really difficult to be with and when we both realised (through our son being ASD) that much of our difficulties were my Exes similar traits - in one way being able to look at our relationship through an ‘ASD’ lens was really helpful.

But in another way, I kind of cringe at your heading because Autism does not and never should automatically mean being an arsehole and it is demeaning for anyone with autism to feel that being selfish is the same thing.

So I kind of sympathise but also feel a bit offended by you OP at the same time! Even though I have been there as it were.

It sounds as though it’s so bad there is nothing for you in this relationship. Even if he were to get a diagnosis, which doesn’t seem probable, he has to want to change and a ‘diagnosis’ doesn’t mean that everything can be pinned on autism - many loving and giving people out there with autism.

I'm finding this thread so interesting.
Those of you who are basically saying (and apologies for paraphrasing) that this is just how it is with some men with ASD and you accept your lot.

Does that mean you have to accept that in your marriage you are a carer to your spouse and not an equal?
(I mean for overs particular problem with her husband?)

I said men in my post because I assume that a women who acted like that would not be acceptable to a man as a life-partner choice as men expect their needs to be very important to their partners and would end up single very quickly. (I am of course speaking very generally).

For me it meant leaving, which was very difficult as my DS is severe SN and a single parent is no joke.

It is difficult as for a while, my Ex did gain some insight that some of his behaviour towards me was really difficult for me. And he gained that insight when our DS was diagnosed for autism. I also better understood that some of my Exes actions were not just ruthless, but difficulties he could not surmount easily. Watching DS struggle made me more understanding.

Neither me or Ex wanted to label our marriage difficulties ‘DHs autism’ - but to be honest I still find myself wondering whether that would have made a positive difference or not. Ex was being very mean to me and not handling DS well at all - he still doesn’t - I look back and think that we broke up because whatever ‘it’ was, he was ruthless, I felt invisible and he got angry way too often when under stress. In a way that I found quite threatening in the end, even though at the start I thought I had met the most consistent, family oriented gentle guy.

There has to be a line in a marriage. I am happy to accommodate and care for DS life long - and will make concessions for him and adjust myself for him.

But I wasn’t prepared to do that for Ex DH as well.

re CulturallyAppropriateName's example re the driving to see returning father. if you were staying overnight at his anyway, what did it really matter if he had gone to bed. he'd been travelling, he was tired. i don't get it. how does that show a disability on his part. it could be seen as impatience, or lack of consideration on your part. why were your wishes for immediate meeting greeting more important than his need for rest. not being rude. but you write as if it is self-evident. i don't see it. or am i ASD too...? this is all quite thought-provoking.

@decoraters

I'm also autistic, but not a cunt. Please don't 'blame' this behaviour in your husbands ASD.

I second this. My hubby is ASD too and is nothing like this! He's a wonderful husband (10 years together). It can't be excused for that.

I don't know any autistic adult who is so insensitive and selfish. His behaviour has nothing to do with autism. How on earth did you form a sexual relationship with someone so cold?

I think you're making excuses for him, he doesn't sound like a nice person at all.

An example: I hadn't seen my father in 8 months or so as he had been working abroad. The day he flew back to our family home I drove 5.5 hours with his 1 year old grandson who he had only met once. I arrived at 8:30 pm to find he had gone to bed. (He tends to go to bed early and wake early, but more usually between 9 and 10 pm). I was very upset and said so the next morning. He simply said he had been very tired after his flight. He could not for the life of him see how I might be upset that he couldn't stay up an extra hour to see me and the baby. In his head, he was very tired, so he went to bed. There was no shade, no hidden message. No upset intended.

To him it was logical. Does this make him a twat? I think it makes him disabled.

To be honest it makes you sound like the twat.

There is a certain dark irony in any thread where women come to raise their challenges about living with partners with ASD being derailed by individuals with ASD (or autistic individuals, I appreciate that people self define differently) coming on to say that no, that is not

We're able to say, from lived experience, that having ASD does not make you a selfish person. You can be selfish and ignorant as well as having ASD, or you can just be selfish and very very ignorant without having ASD, as you demonstrate well.

Why is it that you differentiate between women and individuals with ASD? We're women too, do we not have the same value as you, do our voices not count?

@decoraters

An example: I hadn't seen my father in 8 months or so as he had been working abroad. The day he flew back to our family home I drove 5.5 hours with his 1 year old grandson who he had only met once. I arrived at 8:30 pm to find he had gone to bed. (He tends to go to bed early and wake early, but more usually between 9 and 10 pm). I was very upset and said so the next morning. He simply said he had been very tired after his flight. He could not for the life of him see how I might be upset that he couldn't stay up an extra hour to see me and the baby. In his head, he was very tired, so he went to bed. There was no shade, no hidden message. No upset intended.

To him it was logical. Does this make him a twat? I think it makes him disabled.

To be honest it makes you sound like the twat.

Really? In what way? It was a 3 hour flight not a 24 hour flight if it makes a difference. He knew I was driving there specifically to see him for the weekend. It felt like a slap in the face that despite me updating en route to give an ETA, he chose to go off to bed about 20 mins before we arrived rather than wait up and say hello. We weren't arriving at midnight or anything. If he would have said hello, lovely to see you, I'm tired so have to go off to bed, sorry, see you in the morning it would have made such a difference. It would have felt like seeing me mattered enough to him to put himself out a bit. He was going home anyway; it was me driving almost 6 hours with a baby specifically to see him. I was going out of my way to connect and he didn't get it and went to bed 20 min before I arrived, at a very early time. I always laugh at hallmark movies where the father is a terrible person because he can't get to the ball game/concert. My dad doesn't even send an email on my birthday, much less a card or gift.

Really? In what way? It was a 3 hour flight not a 24 hour flight if it makes a difference. He knew I was driving there specifically to see him for the weekend. It felt like a slap in the face that despite me updating en route to give an ETA, he chose to go off to bed about 20 mins before we arrived rather than wait up and say hello.

He is an adult and allowed to go to bed if he is bloody tired. You making this a huge thing about it being a slap in the face to you is ridiculous. You placed an expectation on him and then got pissed off because he didn't live up to it. Honestly life is hard enough. If you were there for the weekend then what bloody difference does it make that he went to bed an hour early the first night You make this sound like your father did something wrong by not falling into your terms. That's not ok.

I'm autistic and find it mentally draining a lot of the time so I understand why, after a long work trip, someone may just want to go to their bed. You lack the ability to see past your own nose.

Sod the labels. You've invested time in this marriage. Why on earth have you stayed? If you want and need happiness and joy, it ain't under your roof with this husband. Maybe it's time to break away and go it alone for a while, rediscover who you are and what you want out of this life. We spend years enduring the life we have. Well, this life is a one-time-only offer. Are you in it to endure it or do you want to live a life worth fighting for? I know what I'd choose.

I get it culturallyappropiate. Id be upset too.
I can understand that other posters with asd wouldnt "get it" though. It's like a language/communication barrier between the 2. Which is part of the problem! No ones fault just very different ways of seeing things.

I get it culturallyappropiate. Id be upset too.
I can understand that other posters with asd wouldnt "get it" though. It's like a language/communication barrier between the 2. Which is part of the problem! No ones fault just very different ways of seeing things.

^ this

Sorry, bold fail.

But it’s not one incident is it? It’s not one going to bed just before your your daughter and grandson arrive. It’s the pattern over time for some relatives of some people with ASD.

It’s not an incident here. It’s all the time. Everyday there is a tension between what the extrovert family members need and how they just are at home and what DH needs. It’s doing me in. It’s really hard being the mum in that situation.

I can understand that other posters with asd wouldnt "get it" though. It's like a language/communication barrier between the 2. Which is part of the problem! No ones fault just very different ways of seeing things.

It probably is a barrier. I often read threads on here about women being upset their partner hadn't done X/Y/Z but they didn't communicate to them that they wanted it done. It's like the posters that sit passively not mentioning an upcoming event then get pissed off that their partner forgets. Communication is key. Perhaps I place more importance in that because I am autistic, perhaps not. Sitting back pathetically waiting for someone to fail so you can be annoyed at them seems like a bizarre way of life to me and I'm sure plenty of NT adults think the same, so maybe it's not that the barrier is caused by Autism so much as personality traits. The woe is me affects people of all abilities.

The thing with autistic people is that they can't work out what you want. You have to tell them what your expectations are. You have to be very literal and direct and explain to them that they are upsetting you. You can't expect them to just know. It really isn't because they don't care.

I also get it culturallyappropriate. My DF had a heart bypass and when we visited him after a few days of being back home (and a 3 hour journey to see him), he stayed up to see us despite being extremely tired. He appreciated us making that journey for him and we appreciated him staying up for us.

My DFIL otoh who is autistic, has to be in bed for 9pm. When we visit (most Saturdays), he announces to all it's time for us to go home now as he wanders off upstairs to bed. DMIL laughs and dismisses it and insists we sit for longer with her.

He's not being an arse or rude. He simply feels 9pm is his bedtime so we should all go home and go to bed or be on our way.

@decoraters

Really? In what way? It was a 3 hour flight not a 24 hour flight if it makes a difference. He knew I was driving there specifically to see him for the weekend. It felt like a slap in the face that despite me updating en route to give an ETA, he chose to go off to bed about 20 mins before we arrived rather than wait up and say hello.

He is an adult and allowed to go to bed if he is bloody tired. You making this a huge thing about it being a slap in the face to you is ridiculous. You placed an expectation on him and then got pissed off because he didn't live up to it. Honestly life is hard enough. If you were there for the weekend then what bloody difference does it make that he went to bed an hour early the first night You make this sound like your father did something wrong by not falling into your terms. That's not ok.

I'm autistic and find it mentally draining a lot of the time so I understand why, after a long work trip, someone may just want to go to their bed. You lack the ability to see past your own nose.

As others say, this isn't about a single incident. Actually I have spent my entire life minimising my own needs because I do understand that he doesn't mean to induce the feelings that he induces. I don't get upset when he doesn't acknowledge my birthday by email, call or letter. I was entirely unsurprised when my mum had a heart attack on a Monday while he was on a work trip and rather than drop everything and rush home, he stayed at work. Neither myself not my sister even thought he would come home. I think it was probably six weeks before he came home.

I have a son who I love more than life itself. I literally barely touch him, I haven't really hugged him since he was about 7, because he hates it. It kills a tiny part of me but I accept it because it's the way he is. I washed his hair twice a week over the edge of the bath until he turned 18 because it was the only time I got to touch him.

So don't tell me I can't see past the end of my nose. My life has been minimising my expectations. I foolishly opened myself up just that once and was hurt. I don't any more.