Married to ASD partner - so lonely

[whenoneoneknows]

As the title says.
Married 20 years; ASD 'D'H makes for a very lonely life for me. He's not interested in hearing my thoughts/ideas/how my day has been or making idle/passing chat with me. The condition means he is totally thoughtless and selfish and prefers to be left alone most of the time. He is happy for me not to talk to him and wouldn't see that as odd or perceive me to be in a mood/purposely ignoring him.

I remember years ago - before Mdcs took pymt by card - we'd be out in the car and he would ask me to drive past Mcds as he fancied some food. I'd ask him to get me something too and his response would be 'but Ive only got enough money for me'.

There are no thoughts of him doing something nice for me or to save me the burden of a specific chore, even something little like saying I can have a lie in while he sorts the school run out ONE morning. I always take the day off work for my birthday, he never asks if he should too so we can do something together, he just wouldn't think to do it. This year for my bday I brought my own cards for the children to write for me/brought my own gift and cake and wrapping paper. The only surprise from him was the cake candles. Everything has to literally be spelt out for him. There is no reading of body language; he is a very literal person. I have to ask him on whatsapp about any decisions he needs to agree to - that way I have it on record when he later disputes what he said, if I dont ask him in writing then I never get an answer from him. He cannot make a decision, I have to do it all - even choosing what he wants for dinner. I refuse to make his decisions now.

There is no option to leave due to the children.

Its just a sad lonely life. If I won a luxury holiday of my dreams for 2 then I'd take my bestie over H.

Anyone want to hear about my week ?!

Am wondering if some of the responses from autistic people (which are often defensive) point to an aspect of autism known as Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? I recognise this in myself and it is incredibly unhelpful and can shut down conversation. Since it is clear reading this that spouses of people with autism are not making assumptions about every person with autism, but specific instances.

That being said there may well be some links to relationship problems and NT (whatever that means) and Atypical (whatever that means) relationships such as: problems communicating so each person is understood and needing different levels of interaction to feel connected, as just two examples.

Also, there is a massive danger of using "my feelings are hurt" or "I feel wronged by what you said so you shouldn't say it" to shut down communication. This is incredibly hurtful to those spouses who feel devalued and shut down, on sometimes a daily basis, by being unable to speak their truth. In real life and on here.

This is an interesting thread and is making me look at how I act in my relationship too because dh is diagnosed and I am in the process of being diagnosed and it's hard to look at where you may be going wrong yourself too. I have a tendency not to notice that and hone in on dh's issues and what he needs to do. After all it's a sad truism that you can only change yourself.

Actually the repeated attacks on me for a single description if a time when I was upset by my father is pissing me off, because none of you know my dad.
My dad is a person who travels very frequently; his usual place of work is a foreign university where he works as an expert in a niche field. He is a seasoned traveller. He will happily travel long haul, get off the plane, and go straight to the visiting university. He works every single day on his work which is also his passion. Literally every single day. He doesn't join family days out etc, he works. On Christmas day he might read a book for an hour or two on the sofa but that it pretty much it. He was in his mid 50s at the time of the visit, not an elderly gentleman, and his work involves lots of fieldwork that keeps him fit. He is now in his late 70s and still working (every single day).

He would have stayed up if I'd been a visiting professor with a new example of his work, or if he'd had a paper to finish, or if I was a colleague who wanted to discuss a new idea or new discovery in the field.

He did not stay up because me and my son were not sufficiently of interest to him for him to think to put himself out. For him, he was quite happy waiting until the next day and he didn't consider what I would think about that. That's the truth. And I know this because he's my father and I know him.

Don’t worry @CulturallyAppropriatedName - no need to justify yourself, I have read the thread (and contributed but this is a recent name change relating to another thread I posted on today) and I and many others totally get it. Plus not sure why people felt the need to repeatedly call you out. Whether they got it or not.

ChaBishkoot Your husband sounds a wonderful man. The people in those communities are in such shit situations.

I can well believe that he has to switch off when he gets home and relaxes though, and that's hard for you.

aquarian every respect for your post.

I realise I've been pretty attacking and that's really not very okay. Just finally starting to process some of the very, very difficult aspects of the marriage and having a kinda rebound myself from being constantly shut down and told it's me, not him. Seeing it happen to the OP too ... just got me seeing red and for once I didn't feel like holding it in.

@goisey

I'm finding this thread so interesting. Those of you who are basically saying (and apologies for paraphrasing) that this is just how it is with some men with ASD and you accept your lot.

Does that mean you have to accept that in your marriage you are a carer to your spouse and not an equal?
(I mean for overs particular problem with her husband?)

It's an interesting question. Clearly some do not feel that way and are very happy, but it does sound to me like a lot of wives don't really have someone they feel equal to. They cannot engage on the same level and when you are constantly having to spoonfeed and spell things out (like emotions that should be obvious to anyine else), I think that they can quickly feel like work.

Culturally I get it. My dad is the same. We just don't register on his radar.

They cannot engage on the same level and when you are constantly having to spoonfeed and spell things out (like emotions that should be obvious to anyine else), I think that they can quickly feel like work.

This is where I am at in my marriage. My dh is inherently a good man. If things are pointed out he will acknowledge that perhaps he didn't behave the best or he should have shown more interest in what the kids have going on etc but I am tired. So many years of having to say ds had a test today that was important to him make sure to ask him about it. Or I'm feeling like this, the way I would like you to react is this(otherwise he won't know what to do and so will do nothing). Or having to explain that I understand that he tired but x still has to be done because when he is tired or hungry or whatever his first instinct is always to see to that need even though as a parent especially when we had young kids they had be prioritised sometimes but it still never comes naturally to prioritise someone other than himself first. This sort of small thing can happen multiple times a day(especially now he is working from home full-time as am I), it isn't a once a week type thing.

It's complex and hard and it can wear you down, it has worn me down. I'm busy, I'm raising kids and running a business but I have to organise him too, maintain his relationship with kids, maintain our relationship.

And again this isn't because he is a bad man, I know him, I've known him for a very long time. It isn't me slating him, I have deep affection for him but I'm tired and I can only see it getting worse as he ages and I can't do this for the rest of my life.

I feel badly about my earlier post. I don't want to silence the OP. The irony is my whole area of work is about giving voice to people who haven't been heard and I hate that I might contribute unhelpfully here. I think I reacted the way I did because I'm so anxious that I am at heart all the things that the OP and other posters say ASD spouses/partners are like. But what can I do? It feels like an impossible task to change on such a fundamental level. OP if you're reading this I wonder if your DH might feel like I do. Completely horrified that his behaviours makes you feel this way but unable to change it? Also, I sometimes find myself thinking why should it always be me who changes? My DH might have the majority view on certain things but does that mean he is right and I am wrong? Just my thoughts I suppose. I apologise to the OP for contributing to derailing her thread and any silencing of her lived experience x

The thing is, autism doesn't affect everyone the same.

I'm sure lots of you have heard the phrase if you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism.

Just because your autistic DP doesn't treat people like the OP's DH does - or perhaps you don't - because of your autism, doesn't mean the OP's DH is the same.

My mother is autistic. I didn't know this until I was an adult. When I was a child and a teenager I thought she didn't love me because of her lack of interest in my life. She only shows interest in her favourite subjects, and my life isn't one of them - outside of academic or work achievements. She doesn't really do small talk or understand why it's so important to me. She finds it annoying and tiresome.

Now, as an adult and as a mother, and knowing that she's autistic, it makes sense. I understand that she does love and care for me, she just doesn't show it in the way most mothers do. She just doesn't work like that. It's not because she doesn't love me, and she's definitely not an arsehole. It's part of her autism.

I'm really annoyed tbh by people who should know better, if they know about autism, denying this truth:

Not all autistic people are the same. But not showing interest in things outside of one's own special interests and lacking empathy are pretty typical autistic traits (although not universal).

It was really tough for both me and my mum. Neither of us understood each other when I was a child. I still carry the pain of feeling unloved and like she just didn't care about me, even thought I know that wasn't actually the case, now. And she found it tough mothering me. We clashed.

As an adult, that's healing as I understand her better. And I'm sure she's finds me a whole lot less demanding now I'm an adult! It's all less raw now. But tbh the pain of feeling unloved is still there and shaped the person I have become.

Because despite being middle aged myself, and knowing intellectually that my mum cares about me, sometimes her lack of empathy still catches me unawares and can still be a sucker punch. On an emotional level, I haven't stopped wanting her to show love to me on, and to want to spend time with me without it being obvious she can only handle me in small doses - even though I know that - realistically - that's not going to happen.

And now, I'm with a DH who's a good man but who doesn't really do emotional connection and OP, yes, it's lonely sometimes.

@SeaEagleFeather

What does upset me though is that when someone does post that they are struggling with a diagnosed or undiagnosed ASD partner, they immediately get jumped on to the point that they are not in a supportive and listening environment. This happens as soon as the word ASD is mentioned, without any moderate assessment of the OPs situation.

I'm guilty of this and I am truly sorry. I think it comes from so many threads where the abusive man is being diagnosed autistic and excused by posters. I am far too quick to be defensive but I have really recognised that from this thread and will try very hard in future to stop and think before jumping on that track.

Because despite being middle aged myself, and knowing intellectually that my mum cares about me, sometimes her lack of empathy still catches me unawares and can still be a sucker punch.

I think this sums things up really well. It is the same with my dh, I know he love me but fuck me it can sting sometimes when he reacts in certain ways or often it is that he doesn't react at all. It must have been very hard growing up not understanding why your mother was as she is.

To an outsider these things as threads on here can go it looks like arsehole behaviour but when you know the person you know it isn't meant that way. It is so difficult for both parties when it feels like you are speaking different languages sometimes.

puddlemuddles your post explains much better what I was trying to say about my dad. Intellectually, I know he loves us. That he doesn't tend to engage in behaviours that demonstrate this (such as the often repeated on this thread incident of taking himself to be just before I arrived to see him) is sometimes experienced by me as hurtful. He never intends to hurt. He just finds his work the single major focus of his passion in life. Thankyou.

it's bedtime but this thread has suddenly turned nice ... it's lovely to see a genuine dialogue get going.

I hope the OP can get something from the thread, despite all the friction

It is nice now!

@OuiOuiKitty your experience sounds almost exactly like mine. Unfortunately my DH has experienced anger that increased over the years with more kids and more pressure, and we decided to split. While I am tremendously sad, it was astonishing just how freeing it felt, though, to be answerable only for and to myself.

The behaviours you describe having to undertake- well, I see my mum still having to do them, my dad is lovely, fun and very kind when he thinks of us, (which is usually at least monthly, depending on his latest project) but oblivious to the fact he has become more and more quirky with age, and that she has a physical disability that is significantly worsened by all the caring she does. He's loving retirement as he gets to throw himself deep into his interests, but my mum is still stuck, and it makes me so sad for her. If she had her time again, I think she would have split.

Nice turnaround. It's difficult to discuss because people are so passionate about their lives and relationships, so quick to defend them. Totally understandable and I can relate!!

Do people here have trouble realising what is accommodating their spouse/family member's autism and what shouldn't be used as an excuse for bad behaviour? Haven't worded that too well. Basically, how do you know what to put down to the autism and deal with and what is out of order? My dh often says "I have autism. You know that. Therefore, I can't help x, y and z". And I just think...that's no reason to shout at me e.g. due to frequent sensory overload. He of course, never thinks he's shouting but says I am another time when I'm merely making sure I'm heard over dc for example. Then again, maybe we're both missing something in our communication.. It's not easy.

@CulturallyAppropriatedName I totally understand. I'm sorry but that's just what you expect from a parent, he wasn't a colleague she was disturbing! My mum stayed up past midnight to n wait for us to arrive and see her granddaughter that she'd missed so much, even though I was telling her to go to bed! So I certainly don't agree with the pp that your behaviour is twattish at all!

So yesterday evening ND teenager asks if I can help tidy their room. This has been going on for weeks with DC getting distressed but declining offers of help.

I help tidy room although tired. It’s great. We dig it out from the clothes swamp it had become, still lots to do but we make 3 piles for charity shop, bin and laundry.

I don’t ask DH to help as it’s the evening which is a flashpoint for us if he doesn’t get the downtime he needs.

His response could have ranged from very helpful to not helpful.

Very helpful- offer to help and take away the 3 piles on landing

A bit helpful - when I finish and come back downstairs say, “well done. That’s a big help for mini bingo. Do you want a cup of tea?”

Neutral - say hi and then we watch tv together

Unhelpful (for me) - tell me he is tense and couldn’t relax when he knew I was tidying.

Argh! It’s so hard. I’d settle for neutral but that’s not on offer. I go from helping distressed DC to distressed DH.

Funnily enough I was more patient because of this thread. But it feels life sapping and controlling. Most of the time I can hold on to the fact he’s not doing it on purpose and is suffering but it gets really hard.

One of the reasons I don’t leave is that I’m worried I would still be/feel responsible for his wellbeing so it’s not worth the upset for everyone. That’s sad I think.

Bit nervous now having posted a specific incident in case I get a lot of criticism. Just to add it’s not a one off. It’s the every day ness that is wearing.

@Oddgirlout it was gracious of you to consider posts and reflect. You sound pretty thoughtful and considerate - which I’m sure must be something that you bring to your relationships? So don’t beat yourself up!

One of your comments stuck out for me. You said Also, I sometimes find myself thinking why should it always be me who changes? My DH might have the majority view on certain things but does that mean he is right and I am wrong? My Ex often accused me of making out that I was always ‘right’ and ‘perfect’ and why is him that had to change?

Try as I might I could not get across to him that I had to squeeze my way around his needs 90% of the time. He just couldn’t see it. He just did his life exactly as he liked it, no compromise. So he felt that me asking for anything was very unfair, if you see what I mean? He also saw it as ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ and insisted that I justify in detail why I needed a certain thing until I just gave up.

I’m really not saying this is all an autistic thing, it was just my one experience.

For example, we rarely went out together. We did whilst dating, and it abruptly stopped. He went out regularly meeting other people. We had a child together so I felt neglected and sad. When I asked him he’d say “why should we go out together? I see you every day in the house?”

Eventually I did persuade him to go out sometimes, once every few months, (when he went out every week without me), but he’d see that as him making a massive effort to do something ‘for me’ and looked like he felt very uncomfortable. So two totally different points of view. I felt like I was massively conceding on what I needed almost all the time. He felt like going out once every few months was a drag as he hadn’t asked me to do anything but I had!