To think dp is making a mug out of me?

[BritishIdiot]

Bit of background, dp and I have been together almost 5 years, we have 2dc. We don't live together - his choice entirely. He decided to buy a house last year when I was pregnant for his older son and they now both live in it, but that's a whole other thread! (Please bare in mind his son contributes towards the mortgage and bills.)

He earns well in advance of 50k. I work part time and rely on tax credits. He does contribute reasonably towards the dc every month.

He works Monday to Thursday nights, will sleep at his house until he wakes then comes to mine for a few hours until he leaves for work, he will stay at weekend too.

Anyway now to the point! He contributes very very little towards bills and food. He puts the heating on, has showers, always always cooking something. He can't have cereal for breakfast and something light for lunch, it has to be a fry up then something cooked for lunch like fajitas or he'll eat leftovers I'm saving, then a cooked dinner, followed by eating most of the cake I made oh with ice cream etc. He'll make his lunch for work (leaving us a stale crust and finishing the ham), will eat what we're eating for dinner then take plenty to work (I like to save some to freeze for lazy days!) He'll use bottles of mayo, jars of jam, blocks of butter, packets and packets of biscuits, he eats the kids snacks constantly plus takes them to work, drinks their fruit juice, eats their yoghurt, drinks the cans of drink I buy for my teenager, it's honestly never ever ending. Always helps himself to seconds of dinner, will put the biggest steak on his plate etc. I even buy his beer!! I pay for all of this, all the bills, the rent, all the food and drinks, everything. He contributes £100 a month - IF I ask several times. This month I got nothing as it was our dds birthday so his money went towards that apparently, but yet I still spend hundreds a month on food and he's still eating it.

I've mentioned it to him he says "so you're charging me for eating a packet of crisps and boiling the kettle are you? I bought the pizza last week."

AIBU to think he's a freeloading piss take or am I just bitter???

Tell him you are over. Block and delete him on all social media. Only communicate about child contact with him and do that via email.

Speak to womens aid. do the freedom programme

Put in a CMS claim and start getting proper child maintenance from him. It won't affect tax credits or any benefits.

Rally around friends and relatives for support.

Make sure he has nothing registered at your address and there is nothing in joint names for any type of finance.

You will feel so so much better with him gone.

And I also had two DC with an evil abuser.

To be honest, they were the one good thing to come out of that, and I watch them growing up and I am in awe at how gorgeous and amazing and loving and clever they are.
Being a lone parent to my two DC was probably the most bittersweet time of my life and we are so close because of it.

You're not stupid, many many women keep trying to make abusive relationships work, because that is how we are conditioned, to soothe over cracks and to put up and shut up.

I'm raising my DC not to take any shit.

Oh god thank you all so much for your support. I will reply properly once I leave work. I feel a nervous mess today, quite panicky. I've purchased the freedom programme course. I really did try to make us a family but you can take a horse to water and all that.

Deep breaths. This is the first day of the rest of your life. I’ve been there, I was married to someone very similar. You’ll be absolutely fine. Hold your head high

He sold the old pram months ago, £175, we were going to put the money towards Christmas. Shall I ask for it or leave it??

Ask for it!! You don’t ask you don’t get. He might say no but if he does you’ve lost nothing.

Extract the money from him, if he won't transfer it straight away that is yet another reason to dump him.

Phone CMS up today and explain how he is supposed to give £100 per week but rarely does etc so can you start a claim via them including assessment as you think he should pay more.

Your earlier posts made me so sad but your recent posts just make me so angry!!! You poor thing. I’m so sorry for you op, but I can see the fog is lifting for you and you’re seeing the light. It’s awful how this abuse has crept up on you - but I can understand how - now it’s time to act. It won’t get better, you will find it impossible to get past everything he’s done to you. Now plan your next move, Take everything you can from this bastard as he’s been slowly destroying you. Think of your kids growing up with a happier mum and drive on. You can do it. And you’ll get more support here in the days to come than that arsewipe has shown you in all your time together. Find that inner strength we know you have.

OP, I think I read an earlier thread and from memory, there were a lot of questions about whether he in fact has another family somewhere.

Either way, the only good thing about this is that dumping him is relatively easy - you don't need to force him out of the house, he already contributes so little that yes, you're probably going to have to fight to get anything from him but it's not like he's doing anything significant at the moment (and you will save by not having to pay for him).

Break up. Block. Go through CMS.

And personally, I do think you need to be prepared to discover that he has an entirely separate life. If not with another family, then certainly one in which he tells people he is single/has no young children etc.

Do you have any evidence that he actually does work nights somewhere??

What's so sad is that he will dupe another victim into providing him with 3 meals per day and sex with nothing in return.

The £175 - just say it's the money for this week and next as you're short in money and need it.

He sold the old pram months ago, £175, we were going to put the money towards Christmas. Shall I ask for it or leave it??

Ask for it!!! That money belongs to you and your DC. Tell him you're opening a savings account for Christmas or you want to start buying presents for the DC or something.

Bloody hell OP. Thank goodness you're getting out.

Re the pram by all means ask for it if you want to but not if it's going to give you panic attacks, it's also ok to cut and run and never speak to him again if that makes it easier!

Good god op I've just caught up on your update .
Do you know what you should be proud of yourself because so many woman and men put up with shit like that and worse everyday but you have said no more .
Good for you !!
Please please follow it through you deserve to be happy and if he wangles out of it or talks you round just read what you have posted and peoples advice .
I wish you well and luck .

Oh and I'd not worry about the pram it's a small price to pay to get him out of your life .

this is a bad situ OP 🌺

I so hope you stick to your guns and deny him access to your home and your life. You deserve so much more. You'd tell any friends putting up with this they deserve better and you matter too. Any update? Hope you're ok

I mean this in the nicest way OP but someone I know actually did get into trouble for an almost exact same situation and a jealous friend reported her— now if you get no benefits at all this might not be the situation- but this person I know got tax credits and hence her ‘friend’ got pissed off. To be honest if you get nothing from the state I would say it’s your business how you work it but if you do I would think on it because really he should with that income be contributing fully and you not receiving anything. On the other aspects, he’s an arse OP, eats all the food, comes round when he feels like it— i personally would separate formally and make him
Pay proper and full maintenance and have formal arranged child access. The way you have it at the moment you are leaving yourself wide open to investigation (unless you claim nothing at all) and he is exploiting your good nature

Oh wow. What an absolutely vile arsehole. You owe him nothing. Get the £175 (it's the principle people. It's the not being ripped off) then as soon as you have tell him to fuck off. And go after him hard via cms.

If he wants to see the children he must pick them up and they have to stay with him. You need to have zero contact from now on. Just none.

You will be fine. Once this piece of shit us out of your life you'll be just fine

Since you've never lived together and had no plans to do so, presumably you made a decision to be as you put it "a struggling single parent" as much as he did gor you! It's a deliberate decision on your part to live like this.

Sorry this is ridiculous, you have two kids and he bought a house to live elsewhere??? Why should we, the taxpayers, be paying tax credits to support his kids so he can lead a bachelor lifestyle. Give him an ultimatum, you live together or ltb! Sorry this makes me angry, you get tax credits so it's not just about you two

Oh fuck off.

Op he's abusive and I'm sorry you've been through this. The way he treated you through pregnancy and after is heartbreaking.

Tell him you're done, claim cms, request mediation for access and call the police if he causes any trouble.

You are going to build such a beautiful life without this abusive bully! Have you heard of the freedom project? You can do it online or there is a book. It might help you going forwards, it's going to be tricky at first breaking that hold he has over you, can you speak to womans aid or your local domestic abuse support? They can be there for you on the tough days and help keep you strong xx

Oh my god, you're not wrong about him. He is evil.
How have you been able to put up with all that? You must be a lot tougher than you think, so gather it all up and tell him to never darken your doorstep again.

So I spoke to him yesterday. Told him he contributes nothing in anyway to the relationship etc, I also told him we have no future. He said nothing, totally stonewalled me.

I'm not being the scared little girl anymore. I'm made to feel bad for expressing my feelings, showing emotion (he's devoid of emotion), he'll make me feel bad for not having sex with him "I've never had it so barren", bad for cooking "you always goto extremes", he'll upset me I'll be crying and he literally stands over literally looking down his nose at me smirking, he turns every negative situation to being my fault or makes it into something it's not, he sulks if he doesn't get his way, hums sarcastic songs, minimises my feelings, ruins EVERY event but not his birthday or fathers day, zero empathy zero compassion, so so much more. But it's all okay cos he doesn't physically hurt me 🤨

I'm out. Thank you all so much for giving me the strength

Fuck me he's a nasty piece of work. I've got chills just reading that. Go after him via CMS. Fucking shred him - he deserves it and you know what? You will feel a little better.

Please change the locks and don't let him back in and phone CMS today.

You can do this