To think dp is making a mug out of me?

[BritishIdiot]

Bit of background, dp and I have been together almost 5 years, we have 2dc. We don't live together - his choice entirely. He decided to buy a house last year when I was pregnant for his older son and they now both live in it, but that's a whole other thread! (Please bare in mind his son contributes towards the mortgage and bills.)

He earns well in advance of 50k. I work part time and rely on tax credits. He does contribute reasonably towards the dc every month.

He works Monday to Thursday nights, will sleep at his house until he wakes then comes to mine for a few hours until he leaves for work, he will stay at weekend too.

Anyway now to the point! He contributes very very little towards bills and food. He puts the heating on, has showers, always always cooking something. He can't have cereal for breakfast and something light for lunch, it has to be a fry up then something cooked for lunch like fajitas or he'll eat leftovers I'm saving, then a cooked dinner, followed by eating most of the cake I made oh with ice cream etc. He'll make his lunch for work (leaving us a stale crust and finishing the ham), will eat what we're eating for dinner then take plenty to work (I like to save some to freeze for lazy days!) He'll use bottles of mayo, jars of jam, blocks of butter, packets and packets of biscuits, he eats the kids snacks constantly plus takes them to work, drinks their fruit juice, eats their yoghurt, drinks the cans of drink I buy for my teenager, it's honestly never ever ending. Always helps himself to seconds of dinner, will put the biggest steak on his plate etc. I even buy his beer!! I pay for all of this, all the bills, the rent, all the food and drinks, everything. He contributes £100 a month - IF I ask several times. This month I got nothing as it was our dds birthday so his money went towards that apparently, but yet I still spend hundreds a month on food and he's still eating it.

I've mentioned it to him he says "so you're charging me for eating a packet of crisps and boiling the kettle are you? I bought the pizza last week."

AIBU to think he's a freeloading piss take or am I just bitter???

Are you ok OP? Don't have any advice, but at the very least I would lock away the children's snacks from him, he's downright cheeky to help himself to foodstuffs you have bought for your DC.

If he starts crying, or apologising, or begging, or even threatens suicide, take no notice.

It's par for the course.

Hope you are feeling ok and stood strong and didn't believe any of his false promises or justifications for his treatment of you and the DC however convincing they were

i hope you are okay OP

I also hope you’re ok OP, please let us know you are.

I wouldn’t have had him over, I’m a firm believer in cutting ties from a distance then you don’t put yourself in a position where you can be manipulated again and never have to see them again other than for child visiting.

💐

This makes anxious reading.

I hope he hasn't talked you round OP.

Crying, begging, suicide threats, threatening, blackmail - all part of the control script. Please let us know how you are.

Well it didn't go as expected. Bit of background, 3 weeks ago we were going to his mother's. Being honest I do avoid going there as he has spouted that much venom and lies about me to her and the family it makes things very awkward. Anyway, the other week he threatened me if I don't go our relationship is over, then he went ranting about it and saying don't think I'm getting sterilised either you don't give me what I want, swearing etc. I was scared and sobbing. Our 2 year old got me tissues and sat hugging me. But he STILL carried on. How evil is that? It's that that really opened my eyes.

Anyway last night I couldnt say anything to him, I was frozen. After some Dutch courage I told him I'm going to feed the baby and when I come down I want him gone, we're over. I briefly told him what did it. Lo and behold he went without a fuss. I didn't even recognise the tone of my voice.

I am almost certainly some sort of fall out. Most likely making it to be my fault. But its done now.

I think you did amazing.

Oh thank god! I kept coming back to your thread hoping for a 'red toothbrush' moment (previous thread of woman who escaped an abusive relationship). And now you've done it. Huzzah.(phew)

I agree there may be fall out later. At the moment he thinks you're just 'acting out' and will be begging him to come back soon. When it doesn't happen, he'll resort to the usual script - anger, professing undying love, blaming his mh, weeping, more anger, suicide threats, more anger. He's used to controlling this relationship, and losing that will freak him out. Remember it's not losing you and DC freaking him out, no matter what bollock he comes out with - it's the lose of control.

Get things in place asap. Apply for cm, get support from friends/family, read up on gray rock and put it into strict action. And never, ever enter into a defensive argument when he claims it's your fault. Let him blame you, who the fuck cares what he thinks?! It's futile trying to get him to see the reality of him being an arsehole, let him see it as your fault - as long as you get the end result of him gone!

Congratulations on the start of a new and better life. He'll throw a bit of shit at you, but if your shields are up that won't reach you.

Well done. I would be prepared for him to punish you by withholding maintenance payments etc.

Have everything you need ready to submit a cms claim. It might be less that he had been given. But you're also saving all the money in extra food and heat etc.

He was giving you maintenance but then essentially taking it all back in food.

Congratulations on being so strong!!

Well done OP. There will probably be fall out, my very similar ex had 2 or 3 suicide attempts ( faked ) . Just be prepared for anything , surround yourself with friends and family a lot so that he knows you are not facing this alone. Like all bullies, they dont like you to have support . Good luck with your future x

I am sure he will do what he can to "punish" you.

He has no right to see the DC in your home, I suspect he will not see them at all to punish you but that isn't a huge loss to them when he is so abusive.

He will also withhold money hence you need to go to CMS today to get the ball rolling.

People will be here for you to listen, to help you cut through his venom and bull shit when he tries it on.

Be kind to yourself, grieve for what should have been had he been a decent person and partner

I would file for child support today with the cms

Well done OP - I'm relieved.

You did very well.

Now, engage your support network. Tell them the truth. I've no doubt those who love you will always have thought that your set-up was wrong.

Living in a separate home? That shows zero commitment to you nor your children.

As PP said, keep us in the loop to provide you with wise words, support, advice and reassurance.

You've got this.

Wow well done! Keeping it short and clear and to the point is the only way. You played a blinder.

Now let's talk about this 'price to pay'. Because really that's a bit of a myth. Nothing can be as unpleasant as putting up with bullying, abusing using shit behaviour.

In fact now you are free it's a walk in the park. He contributed fuck all and CMS will make sure he pays more. As will you because if he doesn't he doesn't see you child. You don't have to see him or his stupid mother and you don't have to host him in your home. You are FREE. There is 'price' because nothing is worse than what you are putting up with in fact it's all better!!

What an arsehole though. My god he's a piece of work. You know that tone of voice you had with him on Friday? That's your new tone with him. Crush him. Bullies are cowards and if you are mean and cold he will scuttle around trying to placate you for a change.

Well done OP x

Thank you all so so much, sounds cliché but I could not have done it without your support.

He is coming to get the kids this afternoon (already arranged) and that nervous feeling is setting in again. He text this morning trying to negotiate a time - to change the time from what I said, I didn't back down and I WON'T.

He was giving you maintenance but then essentially taking it all back in food

Yes he'll be the sort who thinks that as they give you money (ignoring that it's to support the kids) they are entitled to make free with the food in your house.

This afternoon, have the kids ready to go, coats ready, so that he gets as little access to your house as possible. Don't let him through the door if at all possible and definitely don't let him sit down. Hustle him and kids right out again.

Oh and prepare for him to be late, too. That'll be to punish you for not agreeing to the time change, and everything else. Don't say anything, don't react, do grey rock, just send him back out with the kids when he deigns to arrive.

lord yes 'Red Toothbrush' I often think of her and her freedom 🌺

Well done on your new attitude towards him. If indeed he does decide to be late, you all can just not be there as you had and ‘appointment’ and had to leave the house at x time and couldn’t leave the kids home alone. He needs to learn to respect you and your boundaries

Ha. There's a new sheriff in town as they say. Your house your rules. He's not coming in. "I really dont think that's appropriate" in a cold voice covers that. And no fucking games on the time. CMS rules are he pays whether he sees the kids or not. The are not a ride at a fun park ffs. They are his children. And your rules are he pays properly or doesn't see them.

Of course he will jerk you around. Pay late if at all. Pick up late if at all. It's very simple, as long as he's paying that higher CMS rate and it's no skin off your nose to change time by an hour, and he has not changed the last 3 times you accommodate it. If he has changed it's a no (money or not) and if he hasn't paid everything is a no always. Including seeing them.

Probably best to let him work out the rules for himself. Never explain never complain. Just implement the consequences without warning or apologies. Obviously you'll work out your own version but my point is that you don't accommodate anything but the most reasonable requests made infrequently and you completely shut it down if he's not paying. Once you give in once I'm afraid that it.

It might be seen by some as 'playing games' and 'using the children' . But equally it's called setting boundaries and ensuring the children are not let down, kept waiting, or have their lives negatively impacted by his refusal to support them.

Don't listen to the woolly 'think of the children first' brigade. This IS thinking about the children. Seeing their mother respected, not going without every day, feeling that life is safe do when someone says they will do something mostly they will, when they said they will. That's thinking of the children.

WTAF??

dp and I have been together almost 5 years, we have 2dc. We don't live together - his choice entirely. He decided to buy a house last year when I was pregnant for his older son and they now both live in it, but that's a whole other thread!

From this part alone, yes he is taking you for a mug. From then onwards he just became more and more of an utter twat. How dare he think this is an appropriate way to commit to a partner and two children? The idea that he then has the nerve to treat your house as if it's his own is making my blood boil. Honestly, why are you letting this man treat you like this? Get rid of him!!

Well done you 💐

Well done OP, you are so strong! You're doing great.