To think dp is making a mug out of me?

[BritishIdiot]

Bit of background, dp and I have been together almost 5 years, we have 2dc. We don't live together - his choice entirely. He decided to buy a house last year when I was pregnant for his older son and they now both live in it, but that's a whole other thread! (Please bare in mind his son contributes towards the mortgage and bills.)

He earns well in advance of 50k. I work part time and rely on tax credits. He does contribute reasonably towards the dc every month.

He works Monday to Thursday nights, will sleep at his house until he wakes then comes to mine for a few hours until he leaves for work, he will stay at weekend too.

Anyway now to the point! He contributes very very little towards bills and food. He puts the heating on, has showers, always always cooking something. He can't have cereal for breakfast and something light for lunch, it has to be a fry up then something cooked for lunch like fajitas or he'll eat leftovers I'm saving, then a cooked dinner, followed by eating most of the cake I made oh with ice cream etc. He'll make his lunch for work (leaving us a stale crust and finishing the ham), will eat what we're eating for dinner then take plenty to work (I like to save some to freeze for lazy days!) He'll use bottles of mayo, jars of jam, blocks of butter, packets and packets of biscuits, he eats the kids snacks constantly plus takes them to work, drinks their fruit juice, eats their yoghurt, drinks the cans of drink I buy for my teenager, it's honestly never ever ending. Always helps himself to seconds of dinner, will put the biggest steak on his plate etc. I even buy his beer!! I pay for all of this, all the bills, the rent, all the food and drinks, everything. He contributes £100 a month - IF I ask several times. This month I got nothing as it was our dds birthday so his money went towards that apparently, but yet I still spend hundreds a month on food and he's still eating it.

I've mentioned it to him he says "so you're charging me for eating a packet of crisps and boiling the kettle are you? I bought the pizza last week."

AIBU to think he's a freeloading piss take or am I just bitter???

Well done!!! Freedom starts now. Just take it one day at a time and don't worry if you feel a bit deflated at first, it's going to take a while for you to adjust. Be kind to yourself, you deserve some self-care!

Phone CMS and claim maintenance. When you feel up to it, send him a message saying all communication from now on is to be by email and relating only to the children.

What else has dawned on me is I've totally been neglecting myself. I used to always have my hair, make up, nails done. Now I don't I just slub about with grey roots hair in a bun in a hoodie - that's not me!!
Also I've realised it's affecting me physically, I get the nervous belly (sorry!) 5/6 times a week because of the anticipation of how he'll be, I'm on edge feeling anxious all the time, I constantly have mouth ulcers and sores up my nose.

Fuck him. I'm done.

If you can afford it, why don't you go and get yourself a "pamper pack" for the weekend? Face cream, bubble bath, , , favourite foods for the kids. Also vitamins! Choose a couple of movies you like and celebrate getting you back.

@messallover that's a great idea thank you!

I'm so worried I'll buckle though as undoubtedly he'll attempt to manipulate somehow.

Just don't respond. Block his number. Automatic response to any attempt to contact you - 'please email me if you want to discuss contact arrangements regarding the children".

Good in a way that he never moved in with you, at least you have your own place and don't have to flee. Now you can get the money you are owed - could be worth going for a backdate of what he's owed you since their birth. Good move getting sterilised too, you don't want to be making repeated errors over the years to come, whatever a man promises.

Well done, OP. Give yourself and the children some treats to celebrate.

I sometimes wonder if these toxic relationships are like alcohol and cigarettes, hard to give up but your life is so much better without them.

OP you need to think about you now.. you will be okay Lady 🌺

It cant be both - he's either your partner or you're a single parent. I understand he doesn't live with you. God sakes just get shot. Why would you put up with this and why are you letting yourself be used?

I think the discussion has moved on somewhat ...

You totally need this man out of your life. Wishing you sunshine 🌞 and flowers 💐💐

Do not fall for the visiting the DC in your home things because he can't cope/has nowhere to take them/they cry for you - all emotional manipulation.

He does not set foot in your house anymore. He picks them up and takes them elsewhere or doesn't see them.

Don't feel guilty about the DC missing him or his claims that he is crying for them. It's very important that you create a boundary and protect yourself from him.

Be ready for the accusation that you've met someone else too 🙄

It's the abusers script...

Great that you’ve ended things. Keep posting here for support to resist his manipulative tactics. Also do you have any real life support? You’re bound to have lots of emotions to process - feelings you buried while you were together. It may be useful to have some real life support also.

My bad I was reading the thread from the top down instead of bottom up.

Sadly he will likely now show his real colours.

Good luck

Do not fall for the visiting the DC in your home things because he can't cope/has nowhere to take them/they cry for you - all emotional manipulation.

Absolutely. This guy doesn't set foot in your home again. It's your safe space. He probably won't make much effort to see the DC from now on, given he's never even lived with them or had to deal with them on his own, so you should think about preparing emotionally for this.

Hi op I think you've had some harsh comments but it's probably because people feel outraged on your behalf! I'm so pleased to read your updates and I hope you continue to find the strength to see it through. In my opinion a partner should enhance your life. Yours just seems to bring you down. Get rid and you will flourish on your own and maybe one day find someone who truly brings joy to your life.
Good luck x

Well done! Stay strong and never let him in your house again!

If you even think about caving get back on here, we will set you straight.

Also make a list of the things he does. Your first post was not even the half of it. Write it ALL down because I can tell you it's pretty bad shit.

Stay strong OP
He's a massive wanker and you and your dc deserve much much more than this.
You've got this already, you're doing it pretty much alone anyway so don't let him worm back in regardless of what he says, does, threatens or promises.
Fuck him!

I would be contacting CMS too 🌺

Forget his behaviour, the biggest concern is yours. Why on earth have you allowed this to go on for so long

To answer your thread question, of course he is,now do something about it! Also consider counselling or self help books. The fact you've been a doormat and so anxious to please means you're likely to attract similar bad men and repeat your behaviour in any future relationship, unless you reflect on why you do what you do and take concrete steps to assert normal boundaries.

Your dynamic in this relationship is a learned pattern of responding to men. There's nothing bad about you. You are not a weak person.
It's not that you attract toxic men, its simply that controlling, needy, high maintenance personalities are attracted to people with flexible boundaries who seek to soothe the other person's feelings. A lot of we women have this pattern. Because earlier in your life, that emerged as a survival strategy in relationships.
You make yourself available to soothe and to listen, but have not learnt to clearly state your own needs. There is a part of you that is afraid to be alone, so that is the part that wants you to put your own needs aside to please the man. But now is the time to put your needs first.
He has trampled your boundaries to the point that you had to stop and realise you have a voice, you are of equal importance.
If he rattles your cage to make you doubt your loveability, see that for what it is. An emotional stunt to control you.

Thank you @sadie9 I've actually screenshot your last post to reflect on.

So he's making a drama out of the pram money just as expected.

I said he can come over tonight to talk. Not that I feel I owe him anything, the reason is because I know his poisen, when are kids are old enough he'll tell them how bad I was how I ended the "relationship". So I'm going to do it properly, face to face and I'm going to record the whole thing to reflect on if I get doubtful in the near future because he WILL get nasty and play the martyr.

I have so much animosity running through my veins right now!

I have

good on you OP.. and it's ended on your terms 🌺

Please don't get conned into getting back with him OP, he truly is a nasty piece of work.

The fact is if he had any intention of changing he would have done it years ago.