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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To think dp is making a mug out of me?

308 replies

BritishIdiot · 13/10/2020 18:05

Bit of background, dp and I have been together almost 5 years, we have 2dc. We don't live together - his choice entirely. He decided to buy a house last year when I was pregnant for his older son and they now both live in it, but that's a whole other thread! (Please bare in mind his son contributes towards the mortgage and bills.)

He earns well in advance of 50k. I work part time and rely on tax credits. He does contribute reasonably towards the dc every month.

He works Monday to Thursday nights, will sleep at his house until he wakes then comes to mine for a few hours until he leaves for work, he will stay at weekend too.

Anyway now to the point! He contributes very very little towards bills and food. He puts the heating on, has showers, always always cooking something. He can't have cereal for breakfast and something light for lunch, it has to be a fry up then something cooked for lunch like fajitas or he'll eat leftovers I'm saving, then a cooked dinner, followed by eating most of the cake I made oh with ice cream etc. He'll make his lunch for work (leaving us a stale crust and finishing the ham), will eat what we're eating for dinner then take plenty to work (I like to save some to freeze for lazy days!) He'll use bottles of mayo, jars of jam, blocks of butter, packets and packets of biscuits, he eats the kids snacks constantly plus takes them to work, drinks their fruit juice, eats their yoghurt, drinks the cans of drink I buy for my teenager, it's honestly never ever ending. Always helps himself to seconds of dinner, will put the biggest steak on his plate etc. I even buy his beer!! I pay for all of this, all the bills, the rent, all the food and drinks, everything. He contributes £100 a month - IF I ask several times. This month I got nothing as it was our dds birthday so his money went towards that apparently, but yet I still spend hundreds a month on food and he's still eating it.

I've mentioned it to him he says "so you're charging me for eating a packet of crisps and boiling the kettle are you? I bought the pizza last week."

AIBU to think he's a freeloading piss take or am I just bitter???

OP posts:
MitziK · 13/10/2020 19:34

Dump him and claim CMS. It'll be a shedload more than £100 and if he doesn't pay it, they'll deduct it at source (plus take arrears).

flaxensunshine · 13/10/2020 19:35

Basically you are claiming tax credits fraudulently as presumably you are claiming as a single parent because you wouldn’t get any if you lived together. How about he pays for his own children instead of me the tax payer!

RhymesWithOrange · 13/10/2020 19:35

OP I would ask for this to be moved to relationships. Aibu is too flippant and you deserve proper support.

Also, YANBU.

TOFO1965 · 13/10/2020 19:35

I’m speechless.

MitziK · 13/10/2020 19:36

@flaxensunshine

Basically you are claiming tax credits fraudulently as presumably you are claiming as a single parent because you wouldn’t get any if you lived together. How about he pays for his own children instead of me the tax payer!
He maintains his own household and there is no sharing of finances. It wouldn't be deemed as fraudulent.
frazzledasarock · 13/10/2020 19:38

Put a CMS application in. A £100 a month is waaaay below what the CMS would calculate for two kids on his wage.

Change the locks. Tell him you want to meet st his and you’ll see him when you feel like it. Then descend on him and eat everything in sight and pack everything else and take it with you, in fact take anything not nailed down as you leave for the day.

Where are all these wasters crawling out from?

peboh · 13/10/2020 19:39

Why do you live separately if you have 2 children and are in a relationship? This is baffling to me. Also if he's staying at your house regularly then you'd be fraudulently claiming tax credits too.
Honestly I'd get rid, it doesn't sound like you're getting anything out of this arrangement.

MrsGrindah · 13/10/2020 19:40

The living situation isn’t “ his choice entirely”. It’s your choice, albeit a passive one, because you’ve gone along with it. His faults are many but that doesn’t mean you haven’t played a part in why things are as they are now.

LakieLady · 13/10/2020 19:40

Holy shit, you've somehow ended up with a cocklodger who doesn't even live with you and doesn't support his kids financially. I've never heard the like.

Apply to the CMS and dump the freeloading shit. You can do better, and you deserve better.

frazzledasarock · 13/10/2020 19:41

@flaxensunshine

Basically you are claiming tax credits fraudulently as presumably you are claiming as a single parent because you wouldn’t get any if you lived together. How about he pays for his own children instead of me the tax payer!
No she isn’t. Her waste of space P doesn’t live with her and maintains his own household. He doesn’t contribute anything to OP’s household except stress and a drain on the family finances.

Tax credits take into consideration partners who live there or spend a certain number of nights at the house. This man sleeps in his own house most of the time and comes over to eat everything and use all the free resources that OP is paying for.

Original poster
BritishIdiot · 13/10/2020 19:41

flaxensunshine incorrect. We share no finances, have nothing joint, I pay for everything, he has his own house and stays here on a Saturday and Sunday.

OP posts:
LakieLady · 13/10/2020 19:42

Also if he's staying at your house regularly then you'd be fraudulently claiming tax credits too

Not at all, they clearly have separate households so OP is quite correctly claiming as a lone parent.

Arrowcat · 13/10/2020 19:42

There's been alot of outrage on this thread.
Not sure if that makes you feel more empowered (that so many are angry on your behalf) or defensive.
Both are reasonable to feel.
Can you perhaps have some time away from him where he isn't coming round all the time (and invading your space) just to give yourself a breather and clarity?
Then you can decide want you want to do next and meticulously plan how to do it.
Write it down step by step and maybe ask people here if they could help you with it.
You clearly don't feel ok so it is not ok.
And remember those gorgeous children of yours and give them a big hug when you need a little more strength.
Xxx

RandomMess · 13/10/2020 19:44
Thanks

Being positive you have now realised and you can remove this parasite from your home.

Phone up CMS tomorrow as they will only backdate to when you contact them, they confirm the amount due and then if he doesn't pay voluntarily he will have to pay to use their service.

Find your anger at him treating you and your DC so badly and use it to have the strength to end it.

flaxensunshine · 13/10/2020 19:46

Well it might not be illegal but in my opinion it is morally wrong. Why do we the tax payers pay for these children instead of their own parent who chooses to life the life of Riley? As has been said why on earth would you have children in this situation?

doctorhamster · 13/10/2020 19:48

Do you and the kids ever go to his place for the weekend? If not maybe you should start. And make sure you eat all the food in his fridge whilst you're there.

dontdisturbmenow · 13/10/2020 19:48

So you want him to contribute as you'd expect a commited partner to do but still claim tax credits.

I think you should start to get him to contribute to the family he helped created and you both should stop expecting the tax payers to do so. The fact that he prefers to live with his eldest son shouldn't mean he gets away with supporting his family.

Sorry OP but I have no sympathy for couples with young children who choose to leave seperately and claim tax credits when together they wouldn't be entitled to it due to high income. You are both taking advantage of the system.

AlternativePerspective · 13/10/2020 19:50

You are partly responsible here though.

You willingly had not one but two children with this man knowing after the first that he didn’t want to live with you. Why?

LavaCake · 13/10/2020 19:51

Oh my god, dump him. This is the weirdest set up I’ve ever heard of. You could break up and the only thing that would change is you wouldn’t be eaten out of house and home every month.

RightYesButNo · 13/10/2020 19:52

Well, you’ve heard enough outrage and I think plenty of PPs have covered the LTB angle.

I just want to say that you sound so incredibly tired, OP. Whenever a poster is in a situation with some incredible bastard and they say something to the effect of “and muggins here,” referring to themselves, I just have a horrible feeling that he or someone else has already used words like idiot or stupid or thick against you, torn you down, made you feel like you deserve the situation that you’re in.

You don’t deserve this. No one deserves to be treated without respect. It accomplishes nothing. You deserve to be happy, and live without the additional stress he brings to your life, and to be able to enjoy your children. Maybe at some point in the past there were some good points to your relationship, but it sounds like they’re long gone now. I’m sorry, OP, but it’s time to cut him loose. You’ve gained two children, who sound like they give you a lot of strength, and you and they will be able to get through this and may do much better with him gone (emotionally, even if not always financially).

SBTLove · 13/10/2020 19:52

@dontdisturbmenow
She’s hardly taking advantage, what choice does she have? he doesn’t support her financially regards their kids and I’d hardly class it as a together relationship, he s and that pops in two days a week, he’s the one in the wrong here, sitting back watching her struggle and claim UC whilst he has a home and good salary.

lioncitygirl · 13/10/2020 19:52

Jesus fucking Christ. Why on earth have you allowed this man to take advantage of you and your children for so long!!!!! Is that the example you want your kids to follow?! Leave him please.

Conquered · 13/10/2020 19:53

Are you sure your not the mistress?

I don't mean that tk sound harsh, but that's what it looks like from the outside.

bumbledeedum · 13/10/2020 19:54

This is very sad. Please look for better for yourself in life OP, no one deserves to be treated like this and you'll regret letting your children see you being walked all over.

grassisjeweled · 13/10/2020 19:57

OK, so you've come to your conclusions about the relationship, he's a freeloader etc. No need to add more fuel to the fire, op realises what's going on.

Now it's the next step - CMS and getting rid,changing locks etc.

I'd move this to Relationships as a pp said. Loads of support over there 💐