To think dp is making a mug out of me?

[BritishIdiot]

Bit of background, dp and I have been together almost 5 years, we have 2dc. We don't live together - his choice entirely. He decided to buy a house last year when I was pregnant for his older son and they now both live in it, but that's a whole other thread! (Please bare in mind his son contributes towards the mortgage and bills.)

He earns well in advance of 50k. I work part time and rely on tax credits. He does contribute reasonably towards the dc every month.

He works Monday to Thursday nights, will sleep at his house until he wakes then comes to mine for a few hours until he leaves for work, he will stay at weekend too.

Anyway now to the point! He contributes very very little towards bills and food. He puts the heating on, has showers, always always cooking something. He can't have cereal for breakfast and something light for lunch, it has to be a fry up then something cooked for lunch like fajitas or he'll eat leftovers I'm saving, then a cooked dinner, followed by eating most of the cake I made oh with ice cream etc. He'll make his lunch for work (leaving us a stale crust and finishing the ham), will eat what we're eating for dinner then take plenty to work (I like to save some to freeze for lazy days!) He'll use bottles of mayo, jars of jam, blocks of butter, packets and packets of biscuits, he eats the kids snacks constantly plus takes them to work, drinks their fruit juice, eats their yoghurt, drinks the cans of drink I buy for my teenager, it's honestly never ever ending. Always helps himself to seconds of dinner, will put the biggest steak on his plate etc. I even buy his beer!! I pay for all of this, all the bills, the rent, all the food and drinks, everything. He contributes £100 a month - IF I ask several times. This month I got nothing as it was our dds birthday so his money went towards that apparently, but yet I still spend hundreds a month on food and he's still eating it.

I've mentioned it to him he says "so you're charging me for eating a packet of crisps and boiling the kettle are you? I bought the pizza last week."

AIBU to think he's a freeloading piss take or am I just bitter???

What do you actually gain from this set up? Genuine question

Is he incredible in bed or something?

So what’s it going to take to tell him to fuck off, OP?

YANBU Britishidiot

So what are you going to do about it?

YAB Massively U to your kids. Dispose of this lump of turd.

I will reply soon and answer questions. There is lots more to this and I have posted before but today, it really opened my eyes.

IABU but the confidence and life's been drained from me, so I guess I am reaching out for support, I've seen how amazing you are on other threads.

Its good that you can see what a massive piss taking dickhead he is. Not just the eating all your food but the whole relationship set up, if you can call it that. He must be laughing, he has someone who will raise his kids by herself and he gets to come and go as he pleases. I honestly don't know why you're still with him, its a relationship thats completely one sided and whats unbelievable you are allowing it. Get rid of the fucker and set your standards a lot higher

BTW that ^ might come across as harsh but you need to realise you are worth so much more then what he gives you

I think it is very positive that you are beginning to realise what a shit he is being .

He’s an absolute freeloader, get rid! He doesn’t live with you so it should be quite straightforward.

Your say you get maintenance? I thought you were in a relationship with this man and had 2 DC.

Sounds like he bought with his DS and not share with you as he doesnt you to have an rights to his property. Have you actually looked on the CMS calculator to see what maintenance he should be paying. Might find your better off dumping this waster who turns up and feels entitled to eat your food and snacks because he gives your 100 a week.

Sorry a 100 a month!

IABU but the confidence and life's been drained from me, so I guess I am reaching out for support

Look, you really don't have to do much to extricate yourself and your DC from this situation. You have a running start since the bastard doesn't even live with you. Just 1) end the relationship (by text/email if you don't feel up to discussing it); 2) ask for his key back (and change the locks if you don't get it back); and 3) ask for his salary and text him the amount of child maintenance he should be paying you. If he won't pay it or starts dicking around with payments, put in a formal claim to the CMS to have it deducted from his salary.

You sound emotionally exhausted . Please do cling onto the fact that freedom is really very close.

Anyone willing to be a doormat will find someone to treat them like one!
I find it difficult to think anyone could accept such utter fucking nonsense.

I’m gobsmacked u have even entertained this ‘relationship’ for as long as you have. U quite clearly know this set up is a piss take and this man won’t commit to u or his children. U are literally being his safety net and wasting ur life on this ‘relationship’. I agree with everyone else. End things with him. Claim cms formally and get ur own confidence back

Are you claiming tax credits as a single parent?

Is he paying more in maintenance than would be granted by a court or by statutory formula? If you would be better off financially for the children, then I would get rid. My anger and resentment at his greed, thoughtlessness and frankly, lack of real love, would be too much for me to cope with.

OP, I am going to assume that you are genuine and perhaps have been prompted by a recent thread by another poster who had an epiphany about her boyfriend eating her food and not contributing in any way. The behaviour of your partner is so shocking that quite a few posters are stunned and outraged on your behalf. It’s hard to fathom or follow for some that you could end up in your position. But relationships don’t just go from 0 to negative 100 like yours overnight, there is often a gradual erosion and the usual sunken cost fallacy, in that you let slide a lot already, investing so heavily into a relationship, especially with children that you don’t feel like you can walk away. You mention that he pays ‘maintenance’, well in a way you have already set up the scene for a separation. The maintenance is for your children, not to feed him though. That would be ongoing housekeeping and requires a much higher amount. I take it that he has a key and full access to your house. This is where you will need to find the courage to take action. He has a separate household and isn’t financially invested in yours. This means that you can and should stop him coming into your place. Change the locks. Work out access to the children, he has a house so can have them there. It’s actually very simple due to him having kept his own place but you need to find that initial strength and courage to take the next step. You would benefit from the usual advice, such as doing the ‘Freedom’ program and literature about controlling and financially abusive men etc.

I have just done a child maintenance calculator and I get less from him than I would if I claimed.

Wont commit yes I've not thought of it in that way. I've been conditioned, down trodden, manipulated, used. There is another thread where the lady has Covid and her husband is abhorrent. What she wrote this morning really brought it home actually.

I had children with him as I was lead to believe it'd all get better, we'd be a family. Yes I feel bad of course but I don't regret my children they are what keep me strong.

He’s taking the taxpayer for a ride more than he’s making a mug out of you. He has others picking up the tab for raising his family while he practically lived with you. Just astonishing.

Sorry this is ridiculous, you have two kids and he bought a house to live elsewhere??? Why should we, the taxpayers, be paying tax credits to support his kids so he can lead a bachelor lifestyle. Give him an ultimatum, you live together or ltb! Sorry this makes me angry, you get tax credits so it's not just about you two

Absolutely fucking gobsmacked at this. I've seen some shit in my time as a family lawyer but this is up there. The sheer amount of food the greedy bastard eats is eye watering. He might eat himself into a heart attack and solve your problems. Just out of curiosity, when he isn't preparing himself elaborate meals does he do anything with his children?

You can’t regret the children,, no, except that they’re a tie to him and I think you should shoo him out of your life! Boy, is he taking the piss! Tot up how much he’s costing you, write him a list of what he’s taking from your dc, food, drink, everything and give it to him. He is horrific.

@Krampusasbabysitter thank you so much, this hit the nail on the head.
"But relationships don’t just go from 0 to negative 100 like yours overnight, there is often a gradual erosion and the usual sunken cost fallacy, in that you let slide a lot already, investing so heavily into a relationship, especially with children that you don’t feel like you can walk away."

The fact that people thought this couldn’t possibly be true should tell you everything you need to know about how bad it is!

You simply cannot keep this up. If not for yourself then for your children. Don’t teach them that this is a healthy or normal way to live.