Dating Thread 195 - Level Dean, home of serious women who actually talk

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

sorting I'm starting to think that as well unfortunately.

I haven't blocked him as I just can't bring myself to do it. I know that's ridiculous. He hasn't been in touch for 3 days now though, I doubt he will.

@Wanttobeonabeach honestly, the only piece of advice any of us can give is to delete everything and block everywhere. Its backed by science. The one you love is like an addictive dopamine hit, you go cold turkey to limit the length and the pain

@Wanttobeonabeach Please block him now. I blocked Mr Dutchman and deleted all conversations so that I couldn't contact him again and he can't contact me. That way, you are not waiting for a message - or being upset when you don't get one. It's the only way. I know it's hard because you think he might come back and be what you want him to be or that you don't want it to be final -but it kind of is I'm afraid. Take back a little bit of control and you will start to feel stronger x

want I agree with blocking, it will help your recovery and I have a bad feeling about this guy, I've been following the thread and he seems to have a spiteful streak.
Eesha I'm not convinced you can ever fully get over exes that meant a lot for whatever reason, be it length of time/connection/children. Even more so if the split was under difficult circumstances. I think of it as a grief of sorts; you change and adapt but it'll always be part of your story. That's not to say happiness and love cannot be found again, but for me personally it will always be different that's probably a good thing
All okay here, 1 year plus with MrC and things are good but erring towards casual which suits me fine!

@Wanttobeonabeach - @supercali77 is right, it’s like an addiction. Think it goes something like this ( not sure I quite understand it): every time you message this guy you anticipate getting a response, when you get a response you get a dopamine hit as a reward for your behaviour. Perhaps with people blowing hot and cold you get stuck in this stressed state of anticipation, only getting relieved by dopamine hits from interaction with your iron. Going no contact is probably the most immediately painful but most rapid way to break the cycle and get back to normal.

PS When I said takes half the time of relationship I wouldn’t think you’d feel like this all that time. Perhaps rough for a couple of weeks and then just ok but a bit up and down for a while.

@NoBloodyFighting my partner will be having counselling to address how he felt after the breakup. I just wonder whether he would have the same capacity to love someone else after such a long relationship. For me, I've never felt anything like I feel for him so it's quite daunting for me.

I can see the sense in blocking. I know with texts though he wouldn't know he is blocked ( I tested it).

Yes the hot and cold messes with me...how can he go from being amazing one day to nothing the next and now not even being bothered. Makes me feel like I had it all wrong and like I'm crazy.

I just want the nice part back...but maybe he wasn't real ☹

I just don't know if I was expecting too much.

@Wanttobeonabeach, the real man is all the bits you've seen, the amazing bits but also the not so nice bits. You can't have one side of him without the other. He's shown you who he is. The amazing bits don't make up for the not so nice bits, that's why you felt like you did.

Also interesting comment my counsellor once made is that charming is not a personality trait. It's a manipulative behaviour in order to get what you want.

Oh God,I have my first tinder date later.Or more of a quick hello as not really a date.
We chatted earlier today and he is passing my village later and asked of he could pop by.
We are meeting at a bench in the high street at 10 😄. He said I can sit in his car if cold but I said no. Also wont give him my number until we have met but hes ok with that.
My boundaries are very high these days!
He does seem a bit over keen compared to others I've chatted to on tinder so going to be friendly and nice but alert. I'm so out of practice.
Might ask if he wants me to bring a mug of tea out to him!

Eesha counselling is a very good step and helped get me to a much better place. It's early days for me but my heart has definitely hardened. I hope I can love properly again, minus the co-dependency, but I imagine it will always feel different. It's unique to each relationship, I think.

Counselling helped me to understand my xh for what he was: a coercive bully, I couldn’t work out what was wrong from inside the relationship but as soon as I left it was as clear as day.
Reflecting on love is interesting, I have fallen in love with one man, it was before I met my xh. He was mad, bad and sad and I knew it could never go anywhere but I loved him so hard. I think that 15 years later, if he turned up now I’d probably go back there. Luckily for my sanity he lives in another country and is married to another woman now.

Second date organised with mr Chalet. A walk and picnic this Saturday afternoon. There may be/had better be a pub at the end of the walk.

Newly single, joining the thread :-)

Hi - newbie here, following the thread, single 3 months after car-crash ending to what i thought had been a lovely, (though drama filled), 10 month love affair :( So I'm battle scarred but still wishing to retain some piece of my previous innocence and hope!! I havent tried OLD, I fear I am not thick skinned enough and am very non-judgemental about people. I watched many a red-flag waving in the last relationship and still hoped it would be grand, what a dope...

Welcome jaffa!

I’m a big fan of the hike date, you can get lost which is always fun (‘I think you’ll find it’s this way’), take pics, step in cow pats, get caught in a grouse shoot, fall in a stream, harvest magic mushrooms, blackberries, sheep rustle etc. all the while chatting away freely with the fresh air blasting round your brain. It all makes for a much less formulaic sit down pint in a pub at the end of it all.

@hairyarsedman ...and if not fun the getting lost together would definitely test the compatability of pair !! :)

Just a quick update. Thank you for your advice . I’m still with casual iron having been through a lot of reflection over the last few days. I’m honestly happy with casual. I have a lot of stuff going on in my life and it suits me. I do have a date with a new iron tomorrow. My emphasis is on fun. After much swiping, I have actually found a couple above Dean level.. But not holding breath.

@kerkyra
Modern Tinder dating sounds a challenge. Hope it’s going well.

@Eesha - if he’s in counselling and you’re talking then that’s a good place to start? I found ms straightforward just didn’t or couldn’t communicate what was going on in her head except to say at the end how numb she felt. Quite sad really.

My date on Monday is having to be rearranged to a weekend day so some sort of expotition is probably on the cards. Probably avoid the magic mushrooms as she comes across as pretty sensible. Going to call her miss well balanced as that’s how she seems so far.

Ha ha hairyarsedman, much of my conversations with the Men in Wales have revolved around activity #6 on your list recently! (although I have to brag that they haven't found any yet and I have, despite them being in the supposed best location for that kind of thing ).

Well,that was a waste of time,he never contacted me just before 10 like he said he would so I knew when to walk up. I've just waited until 10.15 and now unmatched him.
If he was late in leaving the town he surely would have got in touch.

He probably was after a shag and really wanted to come to my house and couldnt be arsed to sit outside.oh well,his loss.still feel shit though.

I'm swiping now and got a message from a quite unattractive farmer ( I swiped as he was local and I love animals🤷‍♀️) and thinking he may be less likely to muck people around. I may feel safer with someone not my typical lady sort.
It's really tough out there.

Next time someone messages with 'hun' and is over confident I shall be very wary!

Laddy sort not lady 😄