Dating Thread 195 - Level Dean, home of serious women who actually talk

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Newuser991 for me theres a difference between playing games and deciding to temper your investment in a relationship, partly to see how a person operates when you take your hands off the wheel. If its done to make them do X, I'd agree its pointless game playing. If its to read the cards and decide whether thats OK with you or not its the easiest way ive found without getting into a heated discussion

@Newuser991 when you have already said something doesn't work for you and nothing changes I don't think it's game playing to follow it through and stop making all the arrangements. If you always pick up that slack then you complaining but still making all the arrangements doesn't impact them at all. They want to see you and get to see you. Therefore there is no problem for them.

I agree that setting tests for them to fail isn't healthy. But simply stepping back and waiting for them to make a date doesn't seem like a test to me.

@Notcoolmum yes of course. Being new to the thread perhaps I hadn't appreciated that something had already been said.

OK with my guy. You might as well know. Reasons for not going for it with me...depression/ anxiety / alcoholic (dry recovering)

Runs away

@Newuser991 puts out some red flag bunting. Yes OLD can be a cesspit at times but come on now. All of that then hes back online despite agreeing not to. Not arranging to see you. Call this one a day for your own sanity

Hi, as my partner has autism, I've tried to be more upfront about things so when I said all this about plans and making an effort, he genuinely couldn't believe I thought that. This week id planned to leave it later but we were mid chat yesterday so I asked him. Prior to lockdown, we were thinking about fun things to do but I think I've felt low so almost wanted reassurance whereas he doesn't really think of future plans as he thinks it's all uncertain in terms of lockdown. If it were anyone else say not autistic, I would probably have thought differently but with him, I'm trying to be open and upfront and seeing how things go. He's made it very clear that he can't read between lines.

God I hate “mental load”....it is so so easy to find myself slipping in that direction though, not necessarily by choice!

I think it’s important for me to avoid social groups and structures of any kind where women are expected to “enjoy picking up organising slack”. Even if it does mean my social life is sitting alone on MN

It’s the old line from sex and the city - if I’m put in the organiser role I become Mean Mummy who has to nag and cajole and chase.

And no-one likes or fancies or enjoys being Mean Mummy.

@alwaysupdating I never, ever send pics in response to requests. In fact I feel it’s rude and entitled for them to ask, plus it shows they are shallow, so they go in the bin. Not for me.

I sat down and fully explained the concept of ‘mental load’ to Mr GN, taking my cue from my DD who had had this conversation with her partner when they moved in together. Mr GN was really struck by it, bless him, and he has totally taken it on board. That conversation was a game changer for me staying in our relationship. But it was a total revelation to him. During his marriage he had become really lazy, ‘taking the path of least resistance’ and ‘going with the flow’. And during my marriage I had become The Martyr, doing everything. So for both of us, this relationship is a chance to correct past mistakes.

It’s sooooo important to start as you mean to go on.

[quote supercali77]@Newuser991 puts out some red flag bunting. Yes OLD can be a cesspit at times but come on now. All of that then hes back online despite agreeing not to. Not arranging to see you. Call this one a day for your own sanity[/quote]
The going back online ...we never really had that discussion in any detail.

The reason why he hasn't made a go of it is that he was so depressed and struggling he said he didn't want to drag me into it. He said he really liked me but was struggling.

@Ruralbliss it's called Girl's Gotta Eat. The hosts are 2 women in their 30s who are living and dating in New York. I'm about 15 or so episodes in so still listening to the episodes recorded in 2018 and they have gone over things like fuck boys, how to meet men in the wild etc. The have male guests on their podcast who give the male prospective on topics.

@Newuser991 you sound very empathetic but I'm just wondering whether you need this much hassle early on. He's explained to you all these big things now. Have you dated a lot before? Maybe you need a comparison as this sounds like it will be hard work for you.

@Newuser991

I had a bf years ago who used to do this. Leave it to me and not confirm until the last minute.

I used to play games and try and behave the way he did.

With hindsight what would have been more effective is to pick the phone up and say exactly that: im not bothering if you're not.

What is more effective is to get on with your life and genuinely not be available when they call you at the last minute!

I 'dumped' a recent Bumble date (after quite a few dates) for this - I need more dynamism in my life, I can't cope with being sent crying emojis because we've not made plans and HE could suggest something.

We've stayed friends and he's actually a bit better now, but he's friend-zoned in my head and I don't fancy him.

It's not game playing to wait to be asked to do something rather than always being the one who suggests it, there needs to be a sensible balance of each making suggestions I think. And if someone never does, or always at the last minute, I guess that's just the way they are and you either accept it, or move on. I move on because it doesn't make me feel valued and I need someone more assertive.

Girl's Gotta Eat

I think that's a quote from Phoebe in Friends!

@Newuser991 so he's either brushing you off. Or he's not ready for a relationship. Don't you think you deserve better. At the risk of sounding like a broken record please read Mr Unavailable and the fallback girl. Read it twice. Once to spot abs understand how he falls into the mr unavailable category. And then again thinking of you and what it is that makes you choose mr unavailables.

@Eesha the autism is difficult. My teenager dated someone with autism and was very understanding. Often at the detriment to their own feelings and wants. I suppose there is the balance of how much of this is the way your iron sees the world against how much he is able to put in effort to meet your needs. Being understanding of his autism is great. But that shouldn't mean you have to always sacrifice your needs being met.

So you think I should just block and delete?

I read that book years ago. I'm not deluded I do see it.

He is also ill and awaiting tests for something. He isnt talking much at the moment.

I have been involved with this type of guy before but the difference is the other ones when challenged would have said no this isn't serious and it isnt going to be. In fact one did. I wasn't bothered as it hadn't gone that far yet.

This one will always protest how much he does like me and his feelings are genuine.

@Notcoolmum I'm starting to realise even a previous partner had autism too even though I didn't know at the time. For us, we have the best of times together but it's such an unprecedented time at the moment in that he's trying to manage his feelings towards this pandemic plus we can't do so many nice things or be intimate in any way. He's extra cautious I'd say. I know he cares for me a lot and vice versa but I am observing our dynamics carefully and seeing whether this relationship has legs. Ultimately he's a straight talking, kind person who I love being with so I'm giving things time.

@Newuser991 I'd personally never block anyone but I think you should keep your options open if he isn't giving you what you want at present.

[quote Eesha]@Newuser991 I'd personally never block anyone but I think you should keep your options open if he isn't giving you what you want at present.[/quote]
Very true. I dont tend to get any interest on sites though

@Newuser991 the very least we all deserve is a relationship that makes us happy. You are spending a lot of time thinking about a man you don't really know, and comes with a lot of baggage. Who isn't meeting your basic needs, you haven't met with him for months. Is this what you think the start of a good, healthy relationship looks like? What advice would you give to a friend. And he tells you he is serious about you. But what do his actions say? Not texting, nor meeting, being back on tinder?

[quote Eesha]@Notcoolmum I'm starting to realise even a previous partner had autism too even though I didn't know at the time. For us, we have the best of times together but it's such an unprecedented time at the moment in that he's trying to manage his feelings towards this pandemic plus we can't do so many nice things or be intimate in any way. He's extra cautious I'd say. I know he cares for me a lot and vice versa but I am observing our dynamics carefully and seeing whether this relationship has legs. Ultimately he's a straight talking, kind person who I love being with so I'm giving things time.[/quote]
Is there a reason you haven't bubbled? You could be intimate then?

[quote Notcoolmum]@Newuser991 the very least we all deserve is a relationship that makes us happy. You are spending a lot of time thinking about a man you don't really know, and comes with a lot of baggage. Who isn't meeting your basic needs, you haven't met with him for months. Is this what you think the start of a good, healthy relationship looks like? What advice would you give to a friend. And he tells you he is serious about you. But what do his actions say? Not texting, nor meeting, being back on tinder? [/quote]
He started with AA or an equivalent. He hasn't said this but they do advise you do not start a relationship in the first year sober.

@Notcoolmum i have my family who would be with my children if I ever went anywhere so they are my support bubble. I can't spend time at his place because his neighbours wouldn't approve. But he should be able to come to mine after he recovers from his recent accident. He wants to follow the rules as much as possible.

New Thread - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4083775-Dating-Thread-196-Winter-Wonderland-Walks?watched=1