Dating Thread 195 - Level Dean, home of serious women who actually talk

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Newuser991

I'm not on apps. Both deleted very early on.

We don't talk on them. We use WhatsApp.

I get friendship from it. I really enjoy talking to him and he me. We have loads on common.

We see eye to eye on most things. We had amazing chemistry when we met.

I guess I think he is using me for a penpal / ego boost without actually dating me

How many times did you meet?

Why can't you meet outdoors now, for "exercise" or "recreation", both are within the rules.

I'm wary of "amazing chemistry" myself. I'm not sure it's a real thing, more something we invent because we want it.

@Newuser991 but you said you saw he was on the apps. How if you aren't? You haven't met for months. You have said it's not much fun. How is it a friendship?

@Notcoolmum i think it's habit for me using the term partner as I've used it in the past but I do like the word boyfriend. I think I'm chicken to use it!

So I've told Mr Yoga I want to see him regularly and vice versa. But he just doesn't seem to plan things so it feels like I'm chasing. I have kids and he doesn't. The petulant me wants to take a step back but I know it's nothing personal, just who he is. Post his injury, I'm hoping to see him this weekend so it would be the first proper time in 3 weeks. If this doesn't happen, I think I'll go bananas.

@Eesha see partner to me sounds really grown up and serious. Probably living together. So I go for bf. Despite being so very old!!

Does he not plan anything. At all in his life? Mr B is quite laid back and just assumes things. I like more planning ideally. Especially as I have kids and even though they don't need me to be here physically they like to know when I won't be here and I need to organise food etc.

I saw his profile again because I went back on tinder to see if he was.

Well it isn't much fun now but earlier on we used to talk day and night

I’d agree with the “penpal/ego boost” thing @Newuser991

Messaging day and night for a while has probably made it feel like it’s more than it is.

online dating - why does everyone ask for more photos as soon as you swap numbers? this really annoys me and makes me think they are all so shallow and I don't feel like sending more photos as I already put enough on my profile.

Am I being abit uptight?

@alwaysupdating

Yeh I think as long as you have up to date photos on your profile (selfies are fine, I like having a couple of full length ones, obviously I go for nice ones but no filters or lighting or angles)

anyone asking for more is weird/pushy/wanting to start exchanging sexts and nudes

I was out of dating for a while and didn’t even have a smartphone but I think I learned fast that if someone wants me to do something I’m not comfortable with to “get the date” I shouldn’t be trying to date them.

If I need to do something I don’t want to to “keep them interested” they’re not worth staying chatting to.

I 100% wouldn’t send a photo before meeting (unless say you really want to yourself but the guy hadn’t asked) . Normal mainstream guys will completely respect this.

@alwaysupdating

online dating - why does everyone ask for more photos as soon as you swap numbers? this really annoys me and makes me think they are all so shallow and I don't feel like sending more photos as I already put enough on my profile.

Am I being abit uptight?

I've never had that. Been asked for more pics

@Notcoolmum no he doesn't really plan things but when I pulled him up on it, he said he just 'assumes' he will be seeing me! I guess I'm feeling like I want to be pursued a bit. This lockdown is making me feel insecure about the relationship I guess. He's autistic too so I've tried to be blunt about what I want. I think I just want more reassurance that we have some sort of future.

@Bunkbedpeople

I’d agree with the “penpal/ego boost” thing *@Newuser991*

Messaging day and night for a while has probably made it feel like it’s more than it is.

Maybe so. Whenever I ask him if he is just using me, he says no and he likes me a lot.

@Bunkbedpeople - agree, i don't want to send photos they have seen maybe 5 or 6 and there are full length photos so why would i need to send more? It makes me feel like blocking them as soon as they ask... What would you do?

@Newuser991- really no one has asked you to send more photos? I get it all the time and its annoying

@alwaysupdating not immediately after swapping numbers no. I think that is what you said they did?

Honesty is key though. I would ask why they wanted more photos.

@alwaysupdating

I actually agree with blocking straight away - I used to try to “give guys a chance” who showed little red flags but it was always a waste of time down the line, better focussing on others?

If they’re asking for more pics they’re either

• trying to lead you into sexting/nudes before meeting

• implying that your photos aren’t accurate and forcing you to send more to “prove yourself” which is rude.

• just pushing or testing your boundaries/being controlling which is rude! I mean if you’re dating and enjoy swapping cute/sexy photos to stay in touch fair enough?

But it’s really not normal to request/demand photos off strangers we’re not unpaid cam girls!

@Newuser991 - I would say within say 5-10 messages sent from them to me they would request photos. Good tip I just asked him why he wants more photos... I will update

One guy I spoke to seemed great when messaging online, then asked for my number as we said we would go for a drink the following weekend (this was before we went into lockdown again) then didn't message me for a week then asked me to send some photos 'so he knows what hes dealing with here' whatever that means

@Bunkbedpeople - i have to agree how you summed it up are my thoughts and thats why it annoys me so much and puts me off messaging them

Thanks all, I got over it by meeting Mr Pet ... he seems nice and really into me. He's coming over for dinner (and to stay) next Thursday.

No messing around, he just wants to see me.

He's nice, attractive in great shape and pretty straight up. I don't think he's my mr right, but I just need to hang out with a nice guy for a while

I've only ever been asked for more photos when they are clearly starting to angle for nudes. Which gets them deleted.

I don't give them my number, they give me theirs and I decide whether to text them on it when I feel ready.

I assume asking for more photos is a precursor to asking for nudes...

@Newuser991 it doesn't sound like fun if you ask him repeatedly if he is using you and reload tinder to check if he is still on it) and find out he is). If something is making you anxious there is usually a reason for it. Your gut is telling you something.

Im very stubborn @Eesha so I would probably stop instigating conversations and arranging dates. If you always fill the gap he will be used to this and know he will get to see you without being the one to arrange it. So for him there isn't an issue. He wants to see you and he does see you. He's just not seeing that only happens because you facilitate it. He might feel some of the anxiety you feel if you don't fill that gap. And maybe have a better understanding of why you'd like him to take the lead on occasion.

I have done this. And whilst I do then get a weekend of not seeing my bf and being annoyed about it, it does generally mean he then makes an effort not to leave all planning to me. Cos he misses out too.

@Notcoolmum i actually asked him today about the weekend and he said yes but you make a great point so I might then try this tactic in the next few weeks. Like you say, he does assume we will always get to see each other anyway but I do want him to make more of an effort.

Is it not best to tell someone how you're feeling?

It just comes across as passive aggressive: im not making arrangements, see how you like it.

Imo that kind of thing backfires.

Setting tests for people without them knowing they are tests let alone how to pass them. Idk.

How about the situation that has developed makes me feel as though you're not that interested as it is always me making the plans etc etc
I'm not going to anymore...it's your turn

Say it straight up?

I had a bf years ago who used to do this. Leave it to me and not confirm until the last minute.

I used to play games and try and behave the way he did.

With hindsight what would have been more effective is to pick the phone up and say exactly that: im not bothering if you're not.

@Eesha agree with notcool here. If you dont want to do all the asking and organising, hang back. Like her I am quite stubborn, if I've already mentioned something that doesn't work for me and its valid ( for me organising everything would be a valid thing) and they don't listen, I tend to pull back. I dont want to be in a relationship where either there's unfair balance or I have to continually push to get needs met.

My last ex was always the one pushing the arranging of dates along. Initially it worked wonderfully for me because it made me feel like he was really keen. As time went on and cracks appeared in our RS it became stifling. One of the things he said during the run up to us splitting was that I never instigated contact - which was true. Mostly because I knew things between us weren't right but also because I knew he would always make the effort so I didn't have to.
My comfortable place in a RS is where there is equal effort and no game playing. When you find someone where this happens it's a great feeling. I'm not there exactly with Mr V ! 12 months yesterday since we exchanged our first messages. Still a work in progress but for the moment and amidst the chaos that is Covid I am grateful for him being in my life.