Dating Thread 195 - Level Dean, home of serious women who actually talk

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

These threads are so funny - I sometimes wonder if there’s just 5 men out there - they often act so similarly you think that must be my Dean, or my Wayne 🤣 - do they learn behaviour at a special mansnet site? My only current text one bit the dust for me yesterday, after quite fun previous texting I just got irrelevant 3 word responses to 3 texts - just tell me you’re busy or something - I closed on 3rd text but he has to answer for some weird reason, done this every time! But not opening again - wanted to actually say forget it but leaving it is best, just in the moment I am often tempted to do such daft things. Anyhow, I feel I may have dodged as he literally used the word ‘bants’ the other day and I see up the thread I am obviously already at level Dean unknowingly 🤣 - I’m Tier 2 and wet walks aren’t appealing as the prize for getting a level Dean -1 so will review whether I try again or not right now. Good luck all on rising to level Dean +5, whoever that is!

Checking in

@Bunkbedpeople loving your explanation of level Dean, yes I go there sometimes too 😁

I know a Dean, he is my best friends husband and he is just the loveliest guy - probably the only Dean who is

Been wondering how @Jesuispriest is getting on and i I haven't seen @Menora for a while either - hope you are both doing great

Sorry should have said that I'm checking in.

Nearly 13 mths with Mr K who was my Fabswingers casual sex partner and is now my boyfriend.
Just enjoying ourselves with no plans to live together or merge lives so its perfect for me who is a commitment phobe now due to an emotionally abusive marriage.

Here's to another dating thread when hopefully more people will find decent people to date🤞

Lovely update there @SortingItOut that's is such great news.

Any advice (I'm sure I've asked this before but need a refresher) on how to not over invest and fall so fast for an iron who is still a total stranger after just one date?

Date 2 tonight but I find myself longing for his texts and heart skipping a beat when they arrive. I'm 48 ffs not 14.

He could mad, bad and/or sad. (Or just not right for me!)
Trying to assume he's all three until time passes and he's proven otherwise.

It's all BS until it isn't...

@Ruralbliss
I'm not sure how i managed nearly 2 years of casual sex with various prople (some short term, some long term) with no feelings apart from i had hardened my heart so much in my marriage so i didnt get hurt that i just had no feelings for any of them. I mean the long term ones i liked, like you would a friend but nothing more.

I'm not sure what changed with Mr K.

Also the difference was that everyone knew from the outset it was casual and nothing more so maybe we all kept each other at arms length.

I think if you're looking for a relationship and so are they it is hard to not get your hopes up especially if there has been endless texts/calls as you develop a bond quickly.

My only advice would be to keep one foot out of the over investing hole just in case, remember that your life should be pretty perfect already and he should be there to enhance it and not be the centre of it.

If you are spending time overinvesting and daydreaming of the future then you need to find something else to keep you occupied.

Have fun on your date tonight😃

@Ruralbliss - not sure you can stop it....More a matter of heeding red flags as they appear? What happened last time you felt like this? Only had this once in OLD. Turned out she was sad.

"would like to meet someone special who can put up with my shit ”

Well, at least he's got the red flag hung out now! . Is it me, or does anyone else feel a chill when you get some bloke dedicating a song to his wife Mary "who's put up with me for 40 years, God knows how" ?. It always sounds a bit too much like a joke-that-isn't-really-a-joke, somehow.....

Overinvesting after the first date? God knows, it's incredibly difficult not to do so, isn't it?! One of the problems of this syndrome is that it can lead to that difficult second date, which is ever-so-slightly disappointing, because your iron can never quite live up to the glorious picture of them you've been painting in your head....Although that does tend to bring you back down to earth a bit.

Keep swiping and chatting with other, perhaps?

^some bloke on the radio, that should have said.

Thanks @DudefromThatLondon

Last time this happened (x 3) I fell into a relationship with (a) a wrong 'un with clear severe mental health issues, married him, bore kids and endured 20 yrs of sexless, rollercoaster of stress.
(b) a fun loving narcissistic coke-head - it burned bright but burnt out fast. The perfect tonic to get over a 20 yr shit marriage & lessons a-plenty learned.
(c)I went out with a mad, bad & sad guy for four months.

I think this analysis answers my question.
I'm clearly way too easily bonded to the disaster-boys.

I will gird my loins. Metaphorically and physically

Just curious, what's level dean/what is it a reference to?

@crackofdoom glad it's not just me.

I can't be doing with still swiping.
Trialled it but feel disingenuous and cheaty given he's declared he's not talking to anyone else (allegedly - feels authentic but may not be I guess).
I don't have the time or energy to keep chatting to others plus it's so bloody rare I meet someone as quirky and niche as me who ticks a load of my must-haves. He feels similar (I think - keeps telling me how interesting he finds me and amazed at how much we have in common).

I've decided that as long as outwardly I'm cool and don't do anything stupid (not sure how I'd define stupid) it doesn't matter how many private internal butterflies I'm getting.

I'm really looking fwd to Date 2 tonight. Hope he doesn't bail/no show/ghost - good to know that this could happen though.

Thanks for ongoing support.

@Ruralbliss I think when you have recognised this in yourself and you can see a pattern that hasn't worked, the best thing to do is to slow things down. Keep to dating once a week. Make sure your life is full of other things. Allow it to develop slowly as you get to know each other better. If it's everything you think it is there's no need to rush at it.

@Ruralbliss
I dont know if you are too easily bonded with troublesome men or whether you are a fixer.

I was definitely a fixer in my marriage and thought i could sort all his problems which worked well for him but not me.

Now I'm in a relationship and Mr K doesnt need fixing its very liberating.
At the start it was really odd that he didnt need my help to fix/sort things but now i love the fact he has his life together and our relationship has no dependency in it.

Also your guy seems to be a bit of love bombing, telling you that you're so interesting (I'm sure you are) and that you have so much in common- do you or is he mirroring?
It seems a bit full on for being only at 2nd date stage.

Definitely keep your eyes open for red flags.

Thanks guys. I just told my best mate I felt daft for being excited for Date 2 and she said 'Why wouldn't you be excited? I'd be concerned if you weren't!' so that's nice.

Hello!
Checking in with news of a new iron, Mr Chalet, who i met last night for a walk and a drink at the pub. He is normal with no discernible Red flags, and we chatted easily for a few hours. We are on the same page about so many things I’m looking forward to our next date. I wouldn’t say I want to jump his bones yet but you never know.

I love disaster boys - or have done, not to any good result though. For me it’s the ‘fun’ at the start then the trap of competing to win. So easy to fall into even at 54. The advice above is good, and I will keep reminding myself of it!

Oooooo @Wasail this is great to hear.
Keep us updated with any further dates.
I love a walking date. Far better than pub date as not like an interview and things to point at and spark natural conversation

(I really really want to jump Mr VW's bones)

To be honest @Ruralbliss it’s been so long I’m pretty keen to jump anyone’s bones but I’m trying hard to keep myself in check . Mr Chalet is really a bit too normal for my taste but it’s nice to not detect any surprises around the corner.

@Bunkbedpeople oh jeez I can only imagine #blessed. I found the woke to be the worst. Here, cry in my lap. A bit further down.

@Ruralbliss there's nothing wrong with being excited or him being excited. All you have to do is not ignore red flags and act on them. Build some trust before investing.

I think Tinder is a bit fed up with me considering it has just given me a tip that swiping right is the key to success. I would if there was anyone worth swiping on

@Dancerinthemoonlight

I think Tinder is a bit fed up with me considering it has just given me a tip that swiping right is the key to success. I would if there was anyone worth swiping on

That is so funny @Dancerinthemoonlight! I feel I might get one of those soon...

Walking dates only allowed for me too. I dont like them. They feel impersonal as you barely make eye contact as need to look where you're walking. Now weather us turning rubbish you can't even pitch up on a picnic blanket. Had such a date this morning. Barely saw him from the front but in any event wasn't feeling it so another iron bites the dust.

As for odd profiles I once encountered a man that had "dont like any form of animal abuse" and another that put something along lines of "not interested in anyone involved in terrorism, partaking or funding" which made me question who the hell these guys had previously matched with that made them feel the need to have to specify these "dislikes" 🤔🤣 and I thought id matched with some odd ones 🤣