Dating Thread 195 - Level Dean, home of serious women who actually talk

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@DudefromThatLondon yes you're right, he's always been open with me that it affected him hugely but that he wants all those feelings to change hence counselling. I think counselling would benefit everyone so never had an issue with it, it's about him rather than us/me.

@kerkyra

Next time someone messages with 'hun' and is over confident I shall be very wary!

'Hun' is one of my red flags. And 'babe'.

Oh god MrCountry uses “sexy”

To be fair he has balanced it out with being very considerate and reliable with communication and arranging stuff though (so far). I’m not a big messager but everything is always very thoughtful and supportive.

If it all goes tits up I’m blaming myself for ignoring the “Hi sexy woman” red flag

(That wasn’t his first message - his first message was a compliment on my great dress sense and asking what I’d been up to in lockdown)

I dont mind 'sexy' if I've been dating someone a while and say I turned up to a date and he said " wow,you look gorgeous,very sexy". That's quite nice and complementary.
As he had already got to know ME and it wasnt all based on looks and appearance.

One bloke I dated used to call me missy. Morning missy.very strange!

@kerkyra
Oh shit, have you dated Mr K

He uses missy sometimes, usually when he's trying to be serious about donething and I'm making light of it.

He also uses sexy, i quite like it because I'm really great and I'm glad he sees that!!!!

Sorry to hear that @kerkyra Sounded like an odd date? A 10pm sit outside your house?

@Wanttobeonabeach blocking and going no contact is the only way you will get through this. They always come back. I found a site by something like 'get your ex back coach' really useful to explain how no contact works. Whilst his focus is clearly on how to use it to get someone back (do NOT take this awful man back!) I found his explanations of how it feels to them really useful and it kept me going until it meant less to me. The idea of being perceived as a whining child by my ex by asking questions I felt I needed the answers to was enough to keep me from going back.

I quite like all the pet names people have mentioned but they pepper my everyday language anyway. I finish nearly every sentence with 'darling' or 'sweetie' , although much of that may hark back to me being a theatre luvvy
I have turned down Mr Cocky's Friday fun invite. I didn't mention Mr V, just that casual wasn't working for me at the moment. It's completely the right thing to do. The discussion up thread about the dopamine hits has struck a chord with me. I can see that's how I existed for a very long time with him. Although he never rejected me, he always gave me enough attention to keep me there - classic Fallback girl- which is no doubt what today's invitation was about.
As ever Notcoolmum has hit the nail on the head - The idea of being perceived as a whining child by my ex by asking questions I felt I needed the answers to was enough to keep me from going back - this in bucketloads. If someone wants you, genuinely, and has feelings for you, they don't play games or risk losing you. They listen to your concerns and do what they can to put things right. Not every person is emotionally articulate but we should all really be striving to find someone that complements us and makes our world feel a lot better because they are part of it.

@kerkyra why did you agree to meet a stranger on a bench at 10pm? I’m relieved he didn’t show, that was an odd situation (putting it mildly)

@TiggerDatter
I thought it was a 10am meet...on a bench in her village

@kerkyra
I have concerns that you told a stranger where you live especially as its a village, it wouldn't be difficult to find your home. Please think about safety.

I don't think there is any problem with your first "date" being a chat on a bench in your village. I live in a village and have no issue telling people which village.

But I would not do that at 10pm and I would not do it because they were "passing". A date needs to be properly arranged.

Some people just get a thrill from knowing they have you on the run. Don't let them.

Oh, I also have no issue giving someone my phone number, far easier to text if lost etc than contact through the app which could be flaky or no data signal - you can always just block their number later. I've only once or twice had guys keep trying to contact me, ignoring them soon stops it.

[quote SortingItOut]@TiggerDatter
I thought it was a 10am meet...on a bench in her village

@kerkyra
I have concerns that you told a stranger where you live especially as its a village, it wouldn't be difficult to find your home. Please think about safety.[/quote]
It was definitely 10pm.

@VanGoghsDog
Apologies everyone, it was 10pm.

Crikey keykyra, please keep safe.
If he cant make the effort for a proper date he isnt worth it.

Ok,thanks everyone,I've read and realised it was a stupid move. You're all so right.

We messaged abit and arranged a date for Tues. Then he said he was travelling through my village last night and was it too late to say hi,at 10pm.
My adult ds was in the house to keep an ear open for 13yr old dd in bed and I thought why not. Will tell them I'm taking the dog out. Meet in the lit high street where there is a bench( actually outside an Indian restaurant) 2 mins from home.
I think I got caught up in someone seemingly really wanting to meet who I found really attractive and was pleasant in the messages 😒 . Apart from the odd hun but thought that was ok and non sexual so I felt ok.

My village has 4000 residents but you're right,it only takes someone going into the co op with my pic saying do you know this person,its a long lost friend etc and someone telling them where I live.

I'm still ancient and have no smart phone 😄😄 so I dont give out my number just because I cant block on it.
Thanks all,lesson learnt and safety comes first,dont know what got into me.

Looking back I doubt he was passing through the village. Where do people go at that time of night with covid going on. Bloody hell,I'm usually quite good at working out people.
Will put in down to a crazy week of sorting son losing his job and me helping him,me getting a new job and just feeling burnt out.
New farmer isnt an animal farmer but arable and drives diggers! Seems sweet though.

@kerkyra

Yeh I completely agree that when you have a lot of stuff going on in other areas, it’s quite easy to miss social red flags?

Your brain is too full to pay attention to lots of things at the same time

I’ve ended up in some really strange friendship/dating situations simply due to being stressed out with exams and other stuff and not having time to step back and screen and go “wtf am I doing here with this person?”

Hope all goes well with your farmer

Hi can I join please. I have been following this thread for months & it's been so helpful! I am gutted, the guy I was due to meet tomorrow (off March). I FaceTimed a few nights ago and been exchanging lovely messages with, has just sent me a pic of himself in the shower (nothing showing). I want a boyfriend not a hook up & state that on my profile.

Hi howsicklyarsekissy.

I'm probably not the best one to give advice this week ☺ but do you think he is just over excited about the date and hoped you would like it. If it was a jokey pic I wouldn't worry at all,but if it was a pouty suggestive one I wouldn't be impressed.
If everything was lovely before and he just wants to impress you,I wouldn't worry.

Thanks Bunkdedpeople

@howsicklyarsekissy welcome. I would say as nothing was showing in the picture it could have just been a misjudged picture with the intention of being cheeky or flirty. I would still go on the date and see how he is in person etc. How did you respond to the picture?

Anyone seen @SirChing around/heard from her? I was wondering how she's doing.

Yeah it was suggestive. I am no prude believe me 🤣 but think it's too much before we even met. To me it's a bit of a red flag & I think he fancies himself a bit too much for me anyway.

@howsicklyarsekissy

I think just being aware of your comfort levels and what’s a turn on and off to you is a good policy - if you don’t feel comfortable, don’t meet. Plenty more matches to be had where you’re more socially in sync!

I do believe some interactions can start off as fairly physical and end up a relationship. But if you’re not comfortable with something and want to pace yourself and go on proper dates there will be plenty of guys who feel the same as you so focus on those

That would put me off too @howsicklyarsekissy I don't go in for any sex chat etc until I've met them and established chemistry.

Glad you have come to your senses @kerkyra you could have been right and he could have just been keen to say hi. But it does sound like he was dodgy. Good luck with the farmer.

I'm struggling with Mr B right now. We seem to keep annoying each other on text. Things are good when we are together but we seem to keep misfiring over text. I'm low anyway with Covid and only Andy Burnham delaying our move to tier 3.

My date was a total bust. Feel really deflated.

Hope you’re ok @cravingthelook and @Notcoolmum

and everyone struggling with the new lockdown stuff

It’s a weird emotional kind of time for everyone - I’m hitting the whisky tonight (though I try not to solo drink) and will try to work on my personal goals tomorrow rather than stress about MrCountry (nothings happened really bad, but it’s going to be him coming back after two months of nights and we may be a bit out of sync 😬)

Aw I'm sorry @cravingthelook so disappointing when you think it has potential.