Husband visited prostitutes - don’t know what to do

[Balzac20]

This is my first MN post, I’m a lurker but I don’t know all the etiquette so apologies in advance if this is not how things are done.
Anyway - this afternoon I went to use the family iPad and a load of messages pinged up (it’s linked to my husband’s Apple account but only syncs when you log in). Some of them were a bit weird so I entered the chat and saw that they were arranging a prostitute on a night out he’d had in London earlier this week, when he got home at 5am and was very hazy about the details of where he’d been all that time. After our guests left this evening I confronted him about it. He admitted he’d been to a prostitute, said it was because he had low self esteem (of course). When pushed he admitted to having gone to one a few weeks previously, in similar circumstances (very drunk in London).

He had tried to break up with me several years ago, but we ended up staying together. He never admitted what the problem had been but tonight he said he’d had an emotional affair with a colleague that he’d broken off. I don’t really buy that it wasn’t physical.

He says he loves us, loves our family, will do anything to save our marriage, that our recent lack of intimacy has been because he struggles to see me as anything other than a mother (we have a three year old DS). At my insistence, he’s looking for a marriage counsellor for us.

Having read similar threads on MN, it’s dawning on me that I have to break up with him. I don’t want my son thinking this is acceptable, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully trust him again. But we’ve been together since we were 20 (now late 30s), nearly all our friends are shared friends, we’re part of each other’s families etc. etc. I like the life I thought we had and would like to save it if at all possible. I don’t know what to do.

Any advice or perspectives would be most welcome.
Short version : husband of 7 years revealed to have visited prostitutes, I don’t know what to do

First thoughts are, you know the truth which is a start. You don't need to go digging for information as you have it.

If he has done it once he has done it more than once. He has been unfaithful any which way you look at it and any excuse he comes up with for doing is unacceptable.

You have to decide if you can live with him knowing what he has done.

You don't HAVE to break with him OP.
Ultimately it's your decision to stay with him or not.

But I think you should ask yourself 3 questions at least.

1. Would a man who really loves and values you, do this to you? Emotional affair and prostitutes?
2. Can you trust him again after this?
3. Even if the above answer is yes, could you forgive him for his betrayal?

Sending you a hug, this is awful

Can you really trust him and forgive his brutal betrayal? There's no law that says you have to break up with him, you could stay if you think you could work it out. Sending hugs x

If you had a grown up daughter, what advice would you be giving her? Follow that advice.

Op, you gave a long road ahead of you. I personally believe prostitutes are worse than an affair. You have time to decide what you want. Counseling is an excellent first step. If nothing else it can lay the foundation for coparenting after divorce.

Sorry you're going through this op

I really doubt he's only cheated on you the 3 times he's admitted to. He's probably been doing it throughout your whole relationship.
I really can't see this working out, how could you ever trust him again after that?

Maybe you should go to counseling on your own.

I couldn’t live with a man who visited prostitutes as why would any man want to exploit women? (All prostitution is exploitation in my opinion). Yuk, shame because you have spent years together. He only told you as he has been caught, double yuk.

He is never going to change and honestly, he is a bit mess and you don’t need to be drag into it

And I would make sure I save all evidences so the court system know it is not something you want your children to be exposed to.

Plus , he is going take money that could have provided your children and spending on himself.

Paying a prostitute for sex = a total deal breaker. He's pathetic and disgusting. How could you possibly ever trust or respect him again? Fuck marriage counselling, get a solicitor.

Don't wait for a marriage counselor.

1. Stop sleeping with him.
2. Call your GP and arrange testing/examination for all possible STD's.
3. Make copies/screenshots of all texts
4. Gather financial information and make copies of bank accounts, tax returns, check stubs, mortgage papers, etc.
5. Get your passport and your child's if there is one and put all of the items and copies in a safe place (bank deposit box)
6. Get a good divorce lawyer.

Everything Georgia says.

Especially the GP - as a matter of urgency.

I'm sorry he's done this to you and DC. Whether you decide to stay or go, he's still done it and caused msssive pain.

Oh, and do not feel you have to cover for him with friends. You've done nothing wrong and even if you had, visiting prostitutes isn't acceptable to pretty much any marriage. He also only told you when you confronted him. Sure it's good he fessed up, but if you hadn't confronted him he'd still be doing it.

This does not become a better story.
This story arc is over.
End the marriage and try to learn to amicably coparent
Sometimes counselling can help so your anger etc doesn’t leak out and effect your son
I’m really sorry

Sorry to have to state the obvious op but you also need to get your sexual health checked. If he is ok using prostitutes then god knows what his stance is on protection. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Try and fast forward to this time next year in your head. Do you think you could be in a place where you forgive him or do you think he has destroyed that trust altogether?

Personally, I would not be able to forgive ( or forget ) that and also the fact he has had an “emotional affair” too. They only ever tell you the bare minimum. Expect more to come out of the woodwork in time.

Firstly I'm so sorry you're going through this. You must be devastated, please give yourself some time before you make any big decisions.

Counselling is definitely the way to go if you want to try to save your marriage. The good (if you can call it that) thing is that he's admitted it, is remorseful and has taken responsibility for his actions, this at least gives your marriage a chance.

It's ok to want some time alone to consider things and you're entitled to be very pissed off with him. You can ask him to move out while you work through things in your own time. He's hurt you in a massive way and that won't go away in a few days. Only you can decide if it's worth it. Good luck.

Again I'm so sorry your H did this.

So essentially he has a raging Madonna -whore complex and would have carried on in silence if you hadn't found out.

Also happy to risk your sexual health for kicks....

It's a no from me.

Was the emotional affair before or after you had your son?

I’m sorry this has happened to you OP. I’ve been there and it’s most likely the tip of the iceberg. I found out all sorts of things extra things after he died, like paying for his favourite ‘sugar baby’ so she didn’t have to work for years while I did, having sex with others in the house when I and my children weren’t home, and worse. If you choose to stay married brace yourself for the mind games you’ll play with yourself and if you do nothing else make sure you first get a property settlement with all assets in your name and a share of his pension (which is protected in any subsequent marital property settlement) as a tangible way of him showing his commitment to you and your child. The website chump lady is also very informative on how these men think, and it’s not like you think.

Firstly book yourself in for a full STI screen.
He put your health at risk for kicks..not someone I would stay with.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply and for your support. I think I know what I need to do, but it’s going to be like letting off a bomb in the middle of mine and my little boy’s life. I know I have to do it to be able to maintain any shred of self-respect. Hugs to those of you who have gone through similar or worse.

Zoflorabore thank you for the suggestion of imagining myself in a year, that will really help.

MiniTheMinx the emotional affair was before we had our son.

UnRavellingFast great advice about thinking about what I’d advise an adult daughter. It’s just so hard to go through with it myself because it’s going to be so horrendous, devastate both families and so on and so on.

I think it really must be the tip of the iceberg because we’ve been having what seems like a great time as a family lately so it’s pretty implausible that he’d just start visiting prostitutes now.

Very similar happened to me, let me take this apart bit by bit.

I think when one's DP says to you they no longer see you as a lover and see you as something that is anything but a lover, in your case here he struggles to see you as anything but a mother, this is sort of the point of no return IMO. It's very hard to recover those lost feelings of love. I am sure it has been done (feelings have been recovered) but it might be hard to come back from. Are you willing to wait and see IF they do return?

Now adding in the prostitution and the rest, this really screams that your DP is not happy, does not respect you, and does not consider your feelings/the effects of his actions. The life you had and the life you wanted have both been altered. Can you still, if given the chance, have that life knowing what you know? And can you move on from the infidelity to enjoy your time together, without this thing he did rising up every now and again?

My ex DP said he wanted to work it out after cheating. I stayed. I tried. I wanted our life back how it was. It turned out that I was the only one working on us and the only one trying to put everything right again. He was done and had been done for some months.

I think you need to ask yourself what you want after finding all of this out and allow yourself to decide the answer to that independent of whatever your DP says he wants. This might take time to answer and you might change your mind a lot. That's okay. Be kind on yourself.

I will also say that you're young and you deserve better. You might not see that right now, as you want to make it work because of the time you've already invested in it and the fact you have a DC. But a healthy, loving relationship is none of what you said above. It took me a long time to see all that with my ex DP but when I did, I realised what a mistake I'd made clinging to someone who had checked out years before and who did not respect me.

I am not sure if that helps any but hope it does in some way.

Thank you HelloBolloxMyOldFriend. I’m sorry you had to go through that. How’s life now? If I end things it will totally destroy him, but he should have thought of that sooner. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is forcing themselves to find me attractive.
What on earth do I tell people though?! My parents??? They adore him

Tell them the truth. You do not need to lie for him. He made the decision to do what he did, don't shoulder the blame.

Op. You need to stop thinking of what others will think. That’s really the least of your issues.

Your husband is cheating on you, and has been regularly it seems and for an extended period.

It’s up to you what you do, but in this sort of situation it’s unlikely to come good, all you will do is paper over the cracks.

You either accept it, because it will ultimately continue, and effectively have an open marriage that you turn a blind eye to his indiscretions and pretend you believe it when he says what you want to hear, and live in fear that one day he will meet and fall in love with someone else, and leave, because he’s clearly open to meeting other women. Maybe give him some pain for a short period before accepting him back and pretending it’s all ok.

Or you end it snd move on, meet someone else in time.

Neither are easy. You don’t need to make any decisions right now. This is really a question of do you want the pain right now, or are you wishing to prolong this as far as possible and take the continued pain to save your lifestyle until eventually it becomes unbearable for one or both of you?