Husband visited prostitutes - don’t know what to do

[Balzac20]

This is my first MN post, I’m a lurker but I don’t know all the etiquette so apologies in advance if this is not how things are done.
Anyway - this afternoon I went to use the family iPad and a load of messages pinged up (it’s linked to my husband’s Apple account but only syncs when you log in). Some of them were a bit weird so I entered the chat and saw that they were arranging a prostitute on a night out he’d had in London earlier this week, when he got home at 5am and was very hazy about the details of where he’d been all that time. After our guests left this evening I confronted him about it. He admitted he’d been to a prostitute, said it was because he had low self esteem (of course). When pushed he admitted to having gone to one a few weeks previously, in similar circumstances (very drunk in London).

He had tried to break up with me several years ago, but we ended up staying together. He never admitted what the problem had been but tonight he said he’d had an emotional affair with a colleague that he’d broken off. I don’t really buy that it wasn’t physical.

He says he loves us, loves our family, will do anything to save our marriage, that our recent lack of intimacy has been because he struggles to see me as anything other than a mother (we have a three year old DS). At my insistence, he’s looking for a marriage counsellor for us.

Having read similar threads on MN, it’s dawning on me that I have to break up with him. I don’t want my son thinking this is acceptable, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully trust him again. But we’ve been together since we were 20 (now late 30s), nearly all our friends are shared friends, we’re part of each other’s families etc. etc. I like the life I thought we had and would like to save it if at all possible. I don’t know what to do.

Any advice or perspectives would be most welcome.
Short version : husband of 7 years revealed to have visited prostitutes, I don’t know what to do

If I end things it will totally destroy him

Pity he had no such qualms about destroying you while he was engaging in an "emotional" affair and setting up & following through on sex with prostitutes.

There are women in here with trust issues for life, struggling with them in every subsequent relationship, because of behaviour like his; does he have to deal with that; no, he'll be able to engage in future relationships without knowing what it feels like to have his partner cheating on him, not feeling enough, being deceived etc. and all the issues that can bring.

Then there's the STDs he was willing to risk your health with. Every thread on this subject some poster will pop in to say that prostitutes are oh so careful and oh so clean ... Except they're regularly offered more money to have sex without condoms, and even if they use them.sll the time there are STDs like HPV and herpes they can still get, plus some STDs wouldn't show symptoms before they had sex with their next client etc etc. It's blatantly obvious that the more sexual partners someone has around the same time, the more likelihood of getting and passing on STDs is. Both the prostitutes and the men who are most often using different ones. That in itself; such an utterly cavalier attitude towards your partner and mother of your child's health.

So now he's facing consequences for his actions; he's somehow going to change and show you how much he loves you from now on .... So he's going to magically stop seeing you as he said he sees you (as mother if his child and nit really sexually)?

Is he also going to magically change his integrity levels/character - because he cheated on you before your child was even born, and then his "solution" to not seeing you sexually any more was, instead of being honest and talking to you, suggesting counselling etc and if it couldn't be resolved, separating ... Was to look up and use sex workers behind your back.

So who's doing the brain implant on him?

My ex threatened suicide and claimed depression etc. Told me how he'd walked into the river.

Spoiler = he's very much still alive.

I’m sure he’ll survive the break up seeing as he tried to break it off years ago due to his affair and him risking the marriage every time he engages in sex with prostitutes.

He just doesn't want to face the consequences of his actions.

And he doesn't want to lose anything.
He wants it all; respectable, settled, unchanged family life with all its advantages; in spite of the fact he's been caught cheating on his wife with sex workers, has told her he didn't feel sexually towards her anymore, and admitted to an emotional affair (?) in the past too.

You got him in honest mode when he was probably in a bit of shock being caught. The consequences have sunk in now and he's back in lying, self preservation mode. Even if he's lying to himself.

It's also worth considering that what he's been caught at and has admitted to may well not be the full story.

Of course he’ll do anything......anything to stop you leaving and telling people why.

This happened to a friend quite recently. A little digging revealed he'd been seeing prostitutes for decades. So I doubt that he's only cheated three times and even if he has, he'll be doing it again.
You're still young. If you're worried about making friends or new relationships, don't. You'll be fine. Go now before more damage is done, and find someone who really does love and respect you. As for shared friends, well I think you'll find the good ones will remain friends with you and ditch your husband.

Thanks everyone. This is really helping me stay strong every time he comes in (I’m hiding in bed) and tells me he wants to work through it etc etc etc. Fundamentally he is a massive and convincing liar so I will never be able to trust him again. He’s saying he’ll stop drinking, never go out again and so on but this isn’t a life I’d wish on anyone and certainly not the basis for a strong relationship going forward - I enjoy my independence and don’t want to have to run my marriage like a police state, even if he wants me to.
It’s taking a while to sink in that it’s over, 24 hours ago I thought everything was fine and we were looking at new houses together !

Yay a man who uses woman Niiiice
Can see why you want to stay, also funny how people think marriage councelling helps with these types of things.
You have more than problems if hes going and sleeping with prostitutes.

Don't stay with him . Try your hardest to be strong here . He had no tears when he was having sex with other women the scumbag . Your his wife and he has treated you massively unfairly. I've been through this with the ex husband he had an affair and always had an eye on him but he was sweet and everyone thought he was so innocent and a great family man !
Run away from him he will not stop he'll only stop for a while
My thoughts are with you though and a massive virtual hug , I know what it's like to have the rug pulled. Be strong x

Balzac20,
So his excuse over lack of intimacy is bollocks then. It isn't that he struggles to see you as anything other than a mother. He struggles to see you as his equal, or to have respect. He struggles with being loyal. And since his choice is now to shag prostitutes he struggles to see any women as fully equal human beings. Is this a good man? do you want this man in your bed? or this man having influence over your son?
To stay with him is to gloss all of this over and to be complicit in his warped values. Men like him do not change.

I am sorry this is happening to you. You must decide what you feel about such a person, decide if his actions are in anyway ok or justifiable to you, if they are not you must stay strong and walk away. Forgiveness doesn't come easy when you are staring at a man who hasn't made mistakes. Its not a mistake, and it probably isn't the first time either.

counselling might be very helpful but I don't think couples counselling is a good idea.

So sorry @Balzac20 😔.
I don't think you have to leave him but I do think you have to consider how you may be able to get over this or even if you can.

People are weak and do things that they wouldn't otherwise do esp when they're drunk. It's no excuse of course. But people are flawed by their nature.

Do you feel like you have a marriage worth saving? He's admitted 2 occasions, do you think there's anymore? Did he seem to be honest when you confronted him?

If you can't move past it (and a decision like that surely must take time to process either way!) then as another poster has said- find a way to coparent amicably and never let your child know what's happened. You'll have to move on x

Because I love him it pains me greatly to see him so obviously hurting

Worry about yourself, feel for yourself. What he's done to you is shocking, disgusting, disgraceful and despicable.

What a way to treat someone you've been with since twenty, what a way to treat the mum of your child, what a way to end a marriage and family ... (Although he thinks he can keep them, which is even worse).

Many another woman would be on the floor right now, and could take years to recover .. while trying to (no doubt) be resident parent to a small child he brought into the world with her. He could have damaged your physical health and could have wrecked your emotional/mental health - you've a way to go yet.

I'd like to see if he felt bad for you if you'd been caught organising and having sex with male escorts or hookups via a hook-up site while out after work and while he was at home with your child, if you'd admitted you had an emotional affair and considered leaving him in the past. Would he be worrying about you and your feelings, and feeling bad for how upset you were? Would he be keeping it all secret from his nearest and dearest do they didn't know?

I'll bet he's always been centre stage in your relationship if you think about it.

He’s saying he’ll stop drinking

I was wondering when drink, drugs, mental health, temporary insanity, depression etc were going to be rolled out as the excuse for cheating - and cheating with sex workers at that.

The old favourites.

I know lots of people who drink a bit too much. Most of them get home somehow with a Chinese or kebab, they don't end up looking up, booking and following through on having sex with prostitutes.

That's a beyond huge line to cross even for a single person, let alone someone with a spouse/partner and child at home.

Fwiw I suspect his Madonna/whore, motherhood reason is probably bullshit too.

He had to grasp at something, so he went for that .. the reality is he just wanted sex with more than one woman and you have to wonder if he's truly only done that the times he admitted to.

@GilbertMarkham

Because I love him it pains me greatly to see him so obviously hurting

Worry about yourself, feel for yourself. What he's done to you is shocking, disgusting, disgraceful and despicable.

What a way to treat someone you've been with since twenty, what a way to treat the mum of your child, what a way to end a marriage and family ... (Although he thinks he can keep them, which is even worse).

Many another woman would be on the floor right now, and could take years to recover .. while trying to (no doubt) be resident parent to a small child he brought into the world with her. He could have damaged your physical health and could have wrecked your emotional/mental health - you've a way to go yet.

I'd like to see if he felt bad for you if you'd been caught organising and having sex with male escorts or hookups via a hook-up site while out after work and while he was at home with your child, if you'd admitted you had an emotional affair and considered leaving him in the past. Would he be worrying about you and your feelings, and feeling bad for how upset you were? Would he be keeping it all secret from his nearest and dearest do they didn't know?

I'll bet he's always been centre stage in your relationship if you think about it.

This. Would you ever have first thought to do the things he has and then second gone through with it? If you did go through with it do you think you could have if you cared about him all? He knows he doesn’t care about you. And if you think back on the last few years there might be times when he’s probably slowly treated you with contempt and made you accept less each time. Please concentrate on how you feel and what is going to make life better for you, because he doesn’t have your best interests in mind, only what makes his life better, which is keeping the wife appliance and his image as a nice guy intact.

You know what would be the case if you'd done anything this? You'd be a "filthy slapper", an "unfit mother", everyone would know, your be lucky if you hadn't been assaulted, and you'd probably be tossed out on your arse with or without your child.

Meanwhile, back in MN stepford wife land, there are posters on here saying;

"People are weak and do things that they wouldn't otherwise do esp when they're drunk. It's no excuse of course. But people are flawed by their nature.
Do you feel like you have a marriage worth saving? He's admitted 2 occasions, do you think there's anymore?"

2020 and the standards for women are still on the floor apparently.

Did he seem to be honest when you confronted him?

Unless you're a human lie detector, this question is beyond silly.

Op has already said she knows he's a good liar ; at this time he's more motivated than he's ever been in his life to be convincing.

Do you think men like this are honest at the best of times? He had an "emotional affair" and considered leaving her in the past and it sounds like op didnt know anything about it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

My thoughts are not you tell everyone, I just think that although it feels like you're protecting him and he doesn't deserve it, think of it as protecting your kids from this legacy. And as my therapist says, once you go down that route it becomes the only thing people talk to you about.

Definitely look for counselling that specialises in betrayal trauma. This is a marathon and not a sprint. You'll go through so any emotions, including not feeling any.

Set some boundaries, with your wellbeing and that of your children at the heart of it. He has to do him. You do you.

Disclosure of everything can be a drip feed, and that's brutal. And even if they insist that you've got all the info, you are left wondering.

My experience is a porn addicted husband who I caught webcamming (him wanking on cam). I've read loads on the subject now and so many women have had this happen to them with sex workers involved. He's either an addict or just a shit - fine line.

Take care of yourself, find someone to confide in (I have one friend who knows everything) and just take your time.

Xx

@GilbertMarkham

You know what would be the case if you'd done anything this? You'd be a "filthy slapper", an "unfit mother", everyone would know, your be lucky if you hadn't been assaulted, and you'd probably be tossed out on your arse with or without your child.

Meanwhile, back in MN stepford wife land, there are posters on here saying;

"People are weak and do things that they wouldn't otherwise do esp when they're drunk. It's no excuse of course. But people are flawed by their nature.
Do you feel like you have a marriage worth saving? He's admitted 2 occasions, do you think there's anymore?"

2020 and the standards for women are still on the floor apparently.

Did he seem to be honest when you confronted him?

Unless you're a human lie detector, this question is beyond silly.

Op has already said she knows he's a good liar ; at this time he's more motivated than he's ever been in his life to be convincing.

Do you think men like this are honest at the best of times? He had an "emotional affair" and considered leaving her in the past and it sounds like op didnt know anything about it.

Bit over invested aren't you? No need to be rude.

I'm not talking about all out lying or finding out every single detail. It's about the feeling of how that conversation is going. You might not be able to tell a sincere conversation from a bullshit one but many people can.

I’m sure he’ll survive the break up seeing as he tried to break it off years ago due to his affair and him risking the marriage every time he engages in sex with prostitutes.

This.

I just feel sorry for the next woman.

Because I have a feeling there'll be some reason he's not happy with sex with just he'd either.

You know what the prostitutes who post on here say; a punter is usually a punter for life. They may disappear for a while but they almost always come back.

My thoughts are not you tell everyone, I just think that although it feels like you're protecting him and he doesn't deserve it, think of it as protecting your kids from this legacy

Their very young child doesn't have to know now.

The problem with not telling people is that it can stay "not real", and pp can't fully process it as real. He gets his parallel universe, secrecy and total lack of consequences re their wider family and acquaintances. They don't know who he really is, and op doesn't get that perspective and support.

Whatever he has told you will be the tip of the iceberg.

He keeps going on and on about doing anything it takes to keep the family together, wanting to spend the rest of his life proving his love to me

He couldn't have thought of this before shagging prostitutes and having an affair/s.
Same old crap they all spout. He'll never change.

I’m sorry you are in this situation. As other posters have said I doubt you will ever know how many times he has been unfaithful to you, and it doesn’t really matter. He is a liar and a cheat and hasn’t given a second thought to you and your DC.
Please tell people honestly why you are splitting, don’t make his dirty secret yours. It is not your shame it is his.

At the moment it feels as if your life is falling apart but it will get better and it can be even better as you won’t be living with a cheating liar.

In all of your posts op you show a sense of responsibility for his feelings and that of your children. But you wouldnt be 'responsible' for the end of the marriage. He is the one who ruined it. And you'll notice that he never showed the same consideration for you or your children when he was out consistently cheating.

The difference between you is that you are a decent human being, with moral fibre. But he, is not. And I wouldn't want to bind myself or my kids to someone like that.

He has lost his right to have his feelings considered since he has shown that he doesnt consider anyone else's feelings.

And his bullshit act now, is just that, an act.
You are not responsible for his mental health either. Don't let him try to use that shit against you. It will likely just be a manipulation tactic anyway. And it's very important the kids see that that shit doesn't wash with you.