Page 11 | Husband visited prostitutes - don’t know what to do

Balzac20 · 2020-10-11T00:47:57+00:00

This is my first MN post, I’m a lurker but I don’t know all the etiquette so apologies in advance if this is not how things are done. Anyway - this afternoon I went to use the family iPad and a load of messages pinged up (it’s linked to my husband’s Apple account but only syncs when you log in). Some of them were a bit weird so I entered the chat and saw that they were arranging a prostitute on a night out he’d had in London earlier this week, when he got home at 5am and was very hazy about the details of where he’d been all that time. After our guests left this evening I confronted him about it. He admitted he’d been to a prostitute, said it was because he had low self esteem (of course). When pushed he admitted to having gone to one a few weeks previously, in similar circumstances (very drunk in London). He had tried to break up with me several years ago, but we ended up staying together. He never admitted what the problem had been but tonight he said he’d had an emotional affair with a colleague that he’d broken off. I don’t really buy that it wasn’t physical. He says he loves us, loves our family, will do anything to save our marriage, that our recent lack of intimacy has been because he struggles to see me as anything other than a mother (we have a three year old DS). At my insistence, he’s looking for a marriage counsellor for us. Having read similar threads on MN, it’s dawning on me that I have to break up with him. I don’t want my son thinking this is acceptable, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully trust him again. But we’ve been together since we were 20 (now late 30s), nearly all our friends are shared friends, we’re part of each other’s families etc. etc. I like the life I thought we had and would like to save it if at all possible. I don’t know what to do. Any advice or perspectives would be most welcome. Short version : husband of 7 years revealed to have visited prostitutes, I don’t know what to do

doubleaces89 · 15/11/2020 15:39

I may be in the minority here, butt must also be hard for him, although appreciate he's to blame. Also, given that it wasn't an emotional affair, just short physical act maybe he can change.

He probably didn't want to do it, so is it worthwhile destroying a marriage over it?

Original poster

Balzac20 · 15/11/2020 16:48

@doubleaces89 ha ha ha ha ha ha ha very good ha ha ha ha ha

OP posts:

Strawberrycreamsundae · 15/11/2020 17:06

@doubleaces89

I may be in the minority here, butt must also be hard for him, although appreciate he's to blame. Also, given that it wasn't an emotional affair, just short physical act maybe he can change.

He probably didn't want to do it, so is it worthwhile destroying a marriage over it?

Seriously?! Are you the soon-to-be exDH by any chance? 🥴

glitterfarts · 15/11/2020 17:29

He didn't want to do it? What, so he just tripped and fell into a prostitute and an affair multiple times. What a clumsy man.

ilikemethewayiam · 20/11/2020 12:56

@glitterfarts

He didn't want to do it? What, so he just tripped and fell into a prostitute and an affair multiple times. What a clumsy man.

🤣🤣🤣

Becciboo21 · 23/12/2023 05:55

What did you decide to do. I think people are being too quick to say leave have you looked into sex addiction? There's 12 step meetings they really help and there sanon for partners I'm 4 months into discovering the same tho it was many more times my husband Is in recovery and we are both trying ti make it work x

Peekachewy · 23/12/2023 11:54

More fool you

Nanny0gg · 23/12/2023 12:18

Becciboo21 · 23/12/2023 05:55

What did you decide to do. I think people are being too quick to say leave have you looked into sex addiction? There's 12 step meetings they really help and there sanon for partners I'm 4 months into discovering the same tho it was many more times my husband Is in recovery and we are both trying ti make it work x

Read her posts

They've nearly completed their divorce

Original poster

Balzac20 · 23/12/2023 21:37

Divorce complete and I don’t regret it for a single second. I’m so, so much happier now and having a whale of a time. Really, it’s not worth staying with a shitty man if they don’t show you any respect and/or only come clean when they get found out.
Thanks again to everyone for your support and encouragement xx

OP posts:

category12 · 23/12/2023 21:41

Great update, OP. 😊

Indifferentchickenwings · 23/12/2023 23:00

I think the dawning realisation you have to break up with him is solid , and you will have to line your ducks up

what GeorgiaGirl52 says is sound

but if you can… rather than relationship counseling , just have it for you
you need it more than the marriage does x

TheCatterall · 24/12/2023 00:37

@Balzac20 congratulations. You are an absolute legend and I hope your snazzy prints and jazzy towels were just the beginning of the interiors revolution. X

Original poster

Balzac20 · 24/12/2023 07:05

Haha thank you! Yes I’ve repainted every room and got books and wool everywhere, it’s brilliant.

OP posts:

Original poster

Balzac20 · 24/12/2023 07:06

Thanks ❤and I owe it all to mumsnet

OP posts:

KerryFord · 25/01/2024 21:19

You need to leave. It won't charge. And if it does . Not for long

beenwhereyouare · 26/01/2024 00:43

You must have missed OP's last couple of posts. It's a little over 3 years later and her divorce is behind her. She sounds happy and upbeat!

ByRoseNewt · 02/04/2024 04:02

I recently found out my husband has been having an affair with a women at work. Since finding that out he has been sleeping with prostitutes for the last couple of years. He says this is because I’m not a model wife! I had no idea, we have the normal ups and downs like any marriage, but looking back we go away on holidays, anniversary weekends together, days out together, I mean if I was that bad and he was that unhappy why did we continue to make happy memories. Over the years I have had to tolerate him canodaling with another women at the races (me walking in on him in a pub), another occasion getting so drunk and talking to a waitress about the size of her boobs infront of me (as you can imagine I wasnt happy), talking down to me in front of builders, receiving inappropriate texts from other women, allowing a work colleague to tell to the F**k off and him saying that i was over reacting and it was a joke. All of this and more has really bothered and upset me and his response is “are you still going on about that!” He wonders why my energy has changed towards him, I find this all very disrespectful. He said he’s desperate to sell the house, the mortgage we have left is a 1/4 of the house value and the reason for the prostitutes and affair is partly because of this. I must admit the house is too big, but I’m not sure I can trust him anymore, I believe anyone that truly loves and respect you wouldn't do this, however I am also thinking of my son too. Kids do really change the standard walking away. I’m at a loss of what to do, we are marriage counselling, but he said the other night in front of my sister, why can’t he go out for a beer with just his mates, which I found very embarrassing and inappropriate, this has never been an issue in our marriage and 12years together, I’m not the type of person to stop my husband going out with friends he goes out more than me and I think it’s healthy to have nights out without each other, but it feels like he is trying to make me an issue. This did really change me putting effort and forgiveness in, I don’t want to be spoken to like that in my marriage/relationship.
Do I stay and try and work things out for my family, or do I leave? Does selling the house before the divorce makes things more complicated/negative for me we have been here 11years.

beenwhereyouare · 02/04/2024 06:55

ByRoseNewt · 02/04/2024 04:02

I recently found out my husband has been having an affair with a women at work. Since finding that out he has been sleeping with prostitutes for the last couple of years. He says this is because I’m not a model wife! I had no idea, we have the normal ups and downs like any marriage, but looking back we go away on holidays, anniversary weekends together, days out together, I mean if I was that bad and he was that unhappy why did we continue to make happy memories. Over the years I have had to tolerate him canodaling with another women at the races (me walking in on him in a pub), another occasion getting so drunk and talking to a waitress about the size of her boobs infront of me (as you can imagine I wasnt happy), talking down to me in front of builders, receiving inappropriate texts from other women, allowing a work colleague to tell to the F**k off and him saying that i was over reacting and it was a joke. All of this and more has really bothered and upset me and his response is “are you still going on about that!” He wonders why my energy has changed towards him, I find this all very disrespectful. He said he’s desperate to sell the house, the mortgage we have left is a 1/4 of the house value and the reason for the prostitutes and affair is partly because of this. I must admit the house is too big, but I’m not sure I can trust him anymore, I believe anyone that truly loves and respect you wouldn't do this, however I am also thinking of my son too. Kids do really change the standard walking away. I’m at a loss of what to do, we are marriage counselling, but he said the other night in front of my sister, why can’t he go out for a beer with just his mates, which I found very embarrassing and inappropriate, this has never been an issue in our marriage and 12years together, I’m not the type of person to stop my husband going out with friends he goes out more than me and I think it’s healthy to have nights out without each other, but it feels like he is trying to make me an issue. This did really change me putting effort and forgiveness in, I don’t want to be spoken to like that in my marriage/relationship.
Do I stay and try and work things out for my family, or do I leave? Does selling the house before the divorce makes things more complicated/negative for me we have been here 11years.

Edited

This is an old thread with the situation resolved. You should start a new thread of your own to get comments. To do that, copy your post here. I'm attaching a screenshot to show you where to tap start a new thread. Once you get that screen, paste the post you copied, and select your categories and post.

**Good luck and I'll look for your new thread.

Husband visited prostitutes - don’t know what to do

SortingItOut · 02/04/2024 06:56

ByRoseNewt · 02/04/2024 04:02

I recently found out my husband has been having an affair with a women at work. Since finding that out he has been sleeping with prostitutes for the last couple of years. He says this is because I’m not a model wife! I had no idea, we have the normal ups and downs like any marriage, but looking back we go away on holidays, anniversary weekends together, days out together, I mean if I was that bad and he was that unhappy why did we continue to make happy memories. Over the years I have had to tolerate him canodaling with another women at the races (me walking in on him in a pub), another occasion getting so drunk and talking to a waitress about the size of her boobs infront of me (as you can imagine I wasnt happy), talking down to me in front of builders, receiving inappropriate texts from other women, allowing a work colleague to tell to the F**k off and him saying that i was over reacting and it was a joke. All of this and more has really bothered and upset me and his response is “are you still going on about that!” He wonders why my energy has changed towards him, I find this all very disrespectful. He said he’s desperate to sell the house, the mortgage we have left is a 1/4 of the house value and the reason for the prostitutes and affair is partly because of this. I must admit the house is too big, but I’m not sure I can trust him anymore, I believe anyone that truly loves and respect you wouldn't do this, however I am also thinking of my son too. Kids do really change the standard walking away. I’m at a loss of what to do, we are marriage counselling, but he said the other night in front of my sister, why can’t he go out for a beer with just his mates, which I found very embarrassing and inappropriate, this has never been an issue in our marriage and 12years together, I’m not the type of person to stop my husband going out with friends he goes out more than me and I think it’s healthy to have nights out without each other, but it feels like he is trying to make me an issue. This did really change me putting effort and forgiveness in, I don’t want to be spoken to like that in my marriage/relationship.
Do I stay and try and work things out for my family, or do I leave? Does selling the house before the divorce makes things more complicated/negative for me we have been here 11years.

Edited

It would be best to start your own thread so you get advice from people.

This is an old thread and not many will check it or see it.

Original poster

Balzac20 · 02/04/2024 10:44

Echoing others’ advice to start a new thread. But while I’m here, I’d say that your husband sounds like a total douchebag, and I’d encourage you to think about where your line actually would be? What would he have to do for you to finally say enough is enough? Because it sounds like he has no respect for you and sadly never will. Also I’d recommend (to everyone) Untamed by Glennon Doyle. I ignored the god bits but the rest of it was very powerful.
Good luck, @ByRoseNewt , sorry you’re being treated like this by someone who is supposed to love you

OP posts:

Weareanimals · 25/05/2024 22:24

We are animals striving for the perfect relationship that simply just doesn’t exist.
Do you believe cave men were monogamous.

I love my wife dearly and have been married for 28 years.

i have never emotionally been unfaithful to my wife with flings, affairs or one night stands etc.
but I have however visited lots of prostitutes.
purely for sex. Something my wife cant give me.

the woman i meet are the most strong, genuine and financially secure woman ive met. Ive never come accross someone who is been forced to be a sex worker.

ilikemethewayiam · 26/05/2024 09:10

Weareanimals · 25/05/2024 22:24

We are animals striving for the perfect relationship that simply just doesn’t exist.
Do you believe cave men were monogamous.

I love my wife dearly and have been married for 28 years.

i have never emotionally been unfaithful to my wife with flings, affairs or one night stands etc.
but I have however visited lots of prostitutes.
purely for sex. Something my wife cant give me.

the woman i meet are the most strong, genuine and financially secure woman ive met. Ive never come accross someone who is been forced to be a sex worker.

As long as your wife is aware you are sleeping with prostitutes and is happy with it, then it works for you. Still yuk though.

Leavingasinkingship · 26/05/2024 10:31

@Weareanimals you're deluded and abusive. HTH

wellington77 · 26/05/2024 15:11

I’d get rid of him- he’s also put your health at risk- do you know if he wore condoms?! I would heavily advise getting tested as Chlamidya can be symptomless and cause damage until it’s too late

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/05/2024 17:18

the woman i meet are the most strong, genuine and financially secure woman ive met. Ive never come accross someone who is been forced to be a sex worker

Sure, Jan.