Husband visited prostitutes - don’t know what to do

[Balzac20]

This is my first MN post, I’m a lurker but I don’t know all the etiquette so apologies in advance if this is not how things are done.
Anyway - this afternoon I went to use the family iPad and a load of messages pinged up (it’s linked to my husband’s Apple account but only syncs when you log in). Some of them were a bit weird so I entered the chat and saw that they were arranging a prostitute on a night out he’d had in London earlier this week, when he got home at 5am and was very hazy about the details of where he’d been all that time. After our guests left this evening I confronted him about it. He admitted he’d been to a prostitute, said it was because he had low self esteem (of course). When pushed he admitted to having gone to one a few weeks previously, in similar circumstances (very drunk in London).

He had tried to break up with me several years ago, but we ended up staying together. He never admitted what the problem had been but tonight he said he’d had an emotional affair with a colleague that he’d broken off. I don’t really buy that it wasn’t physical.

He says he loves us, loves our family, will do anything to save our marriage, that our recent lack of intimacy has been because he struggles to see me as anything other than a mother (we have a three year old DS). At my insistence, he’s looking for a marriage counsellor for us.

Having read similar threads on MN, it’s dawning on me that I have to break up with him. I don’t want my son thinking this is acceptable, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully trust him again. But we’ve been together since we were 20 (now late 30s), nearly all our friends are shared friends, we’re part of each other’s families etc. etc. I like the life I thought we had and would like to save it if at all possible. I don’t know what to do.

Any advice or perspectives would be most welcome.
Short version : husband of 7 years revealed to have visited prostitutes, I don’t know what to do

For me, a prostitute is worse than an affair as it’s shows a complete lack of respect for women, that consent can be purchased.

If he was willing to do everything he could to save the marriage then surely not paying another women for sex would have been a good starting place.

He’s sorry he got caught and is now making a pathetic attempt at excusing his disgusting behaviour. Plenty of men see their wives become mothers without feeling the need to pay for sex with someone as a result of it.

The self esteem shite is just that- a load of self indulgent bullshit to try and excuse his despicable behaviour

If he had an ounce of respect for you or your family he would never do that

Another man who believes he is entitled to sex, if he can't get it from you it's his god given right to pay for it elsewhere

You deserve so, so much better. You summed it up in one when you said you don't want your son thinking this is acceptable.

Sex with prostitutes? No way. So sorry you're going through this @Balzac20 .

Lots of people have depression, low self esteem, or like a drink and we don't have sex with prostitutes.

He is lying about the 'low self esteem' bit probably BTW of course, along with the 'can only see you as a mother' bit- he probably just fancied a shag. Come to think of it he also had an affair before you had your son, so we know his madonna/whore psychobabble excuse for being unfaithful isn't the case.

Unfortunately, no, it's often not possible to tell when someone's lying, otherwise no-one would get away with anything.

As @Bunnymumy said, a separation wouldn't be down to your actions, but his for visiting prostitutes.

No-one would expect you to get past him having done that.

Stay strong OP. This man thinks so little of women that he thinks it's fine to purchase them, that's way worse than an affair in my book. He's either really ignorant or he knows that these women are often really vulnerable or, in the worst case scenario, have been trafficked and he doesn't care. No amount of begging and pleading after being found out can undo that.

This is not the man you want to set an example for your son. The good news is that you are enough for your son, you can set him that good example by not letting yourself be manipulated by this man. It may feel like it's a big task but you can do it.

The situation of nearly breaking up but ending up staying together, having a kid but all isn't quite right is very familiar to me and my advice is to plot your escape on your terms. The prostitute complicates it but I still recommend planning your exit so the timing works for you eg when your dc has started school - just don't let on to him that's what you plan to do.

I didn't and was left by a h who said he fell out of love with me years prior when I was older, starting again is far harder then and I was robbed of the opportunity to have another child etc.

Lots of hugs and support, you'll need it but make sure everything is on your terms not his

So sorry for you. He obviously checked out a long time ago. Been there too. Hate to say it but I have come to the conclusion that my OH always thought he could do better so carried on behind my back for years not always cheating but just sniffing around, lunches with female colleagues..all enabled by smartphone, dating apps. He justified it due to my lack of attention to him since we had children, blamed his mum (!!) and called me a whore.Please be prepared for some nastiness as you push back, express your sadness and anger. So sad that relationships come to this. Take care

I'm afraid if the trust has gone then that's your relationship over whatever you might tell yourselves and however long you string it out for after something like this.

He won't 'change' for long if he gets to stay and he won't respect you for that decision. (I'm not sure he knows how to respect a woman.)

His fundamental (fucked-up) feelings will only genuinely change toward you if you ditch him for good. Then he WILL regret losing you forever (if that helps in any way). But that regret would evaporate pretty soon if you took him back. Catch 22 I'm afraid.

A few years down the line from now and you will probably see some of the every day stuff he has done and you have accepted in a different light and indicative of the sort of person he has turned out to be. In other words with hindsight this sort of underground behaviour will have some red flags in other areas of the relationship that you have just accepted as par for the course and not really questioned - why would you? You have only brought good genuine thoughts and actions to your relationship and expected the same in return. You deserve the same in return! Hopefully you may then feel that the loss of this relationship is not the total loss of all that is good and right as it must feel right now.

He's a fake, a fraud, a cheat, and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Remember that and hold you head high. Get a notebook and write down all the new truths about him. Write when you have little moments of enlightenment and strength. Copy in some of the brilliant posts you get on here and at 3am when you're lying awake crying and your head is going round and round with all the things you "should" have done, read it. It takes a while for us to process what we have found out about a partner into how we should, in that light, then feel about them and this will help you reinforce your strong stance. It's much easier to move on if we don't feel that we are to blame and it is all on them. (It IS all on him.)

He is not your responsibility any more. You have never known the real him until now. He isn't capable of respecting a woman and presumably he never was. Fully exposed he's not a pretty sight. Your break up is totally and utterly on him, he is the one who has wrecked it all. Be angry, that helps too.

(I'd be prepared to find out that some of the mutual friends have been on his sexual forays with him. Some of the other wives may find themselves in the same position as you.)

All hell will break loose but stand strong. You got this, and we've got you. x

The self esteem shite is just that

The emotional affair (if that's really all that happened) might be seen as bolstering self esteem. How does using prostitutes bolster your self esteem - they wouldn't let you touch them without payment changing hands.

There's a whole lot of self pity going on, from someone who's treated their life partner abominably.

Thank you everyone, and please bear with me as this is such an enormous mental readjustment from just a few days ago when we were gearing up to buy our ‘forever’ house. When our DS has his nap I’m going to tell him (again) it’s over. I don’t want him ever seeing my body again and having the opportunity to decide if he does or does not want it. I’m actually quite looking forward to life without him (I’ll be able to have as many books around the place as I want, for starters) but am just dreading the absolutely horrendous period I have to go through before I get there. Tales from those of you have been through it and come out the other side are very inspiring though, as well as the reminders that he won’t change. It would be so easy just to pretend nothing had happened! Urgh. What a shit

@PicsInRed

He rapes abused women for a fee. That's the man

This

@criminallyinsane I don't know about OP but I definitely needed to hear this today. Thank you.

I'm so glad for you, you sound really strong and determined. He doesn't deserve another chance to fuck you over again, you know what he is now, don't accept it. And I swear you'll be so much more content and at peace on your own. Now that I'm single, I'm not lonely anymore. I was so lonely and rejected in my marriage, never enough and never good enough.. Now although I'm alone in the evenings, it's all my space. I don't have anyone else there messing with my head, staring into their phone. I'm the king of my castle and I love it. You will thrive!

And you @Diggorydoo that's also what I needed to hear too. I hope OP feels the strength from this too.

Been through similar with my recent ex although we don’t have kids together. Tend to find its the thrill of it some of these type of men have addictive personalities. He’s almost certainly only admitting to the bare minimum you put in front of him. I am deeply grieving the end of my relationship and wish we could sort things out but deep down I know in my heart I would never ever trust him again and would constantly be checking up on him looking for proof he was doing it again. Then whenever there’s a row it would get brought up . It is truly shit and it’s personally left me with so many mental issues. Wondering why , was she better than me it’s eating me up inside. Could you have some counselling for yourself

Tell people the truth, you’ve done nothing wrong and there is absolutely no shame or embarrassment for you. If a friend told you her husband went to prostitutes I’m sure you would be disgusted at the her husband, not think anything bad about her would you.

I agree that you should tell your parents and your friends the truth. He made his choices, he does not get to be shielded from the consequences. If people are disgusted with him - as they should be - that's just him reaping what he's sown.

It's vile. I would leave. But it's your decision. Tell your parents he crossed a line. If they want more details they need to ask him.

Really sorry this has happened can’t imagine how terrible you are feeling. You have to split from hiM is my opinion on it. Get a sti check aswell. I don’t think you can be sure he wouldn’t do this again as he has told you he sees you only as his child mum. Therefore he will still have that side of things missing so his always going to cheat. It’s really horrible and not what you wanted but it’s his actions that have broken the family unit and not yours. It’s out of your hands. Please don’t accept this. You can’t get past such betrayal and he will have zero respect for you if you do anything less than divorce him. Good luck

OP, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I think you are doing the right thing in ending this relationship, you are worth so much more than this and so is your DC.

Just in case he starts playing Mr Nasty when he realises you won’t change your mind. Please make sure you do the Mumsnet classic of getting your ducks in a row. Get copies of all important paperwork, finances, anything to do with the house and keep it all safe at your parents or friends house and get a good solicitor. Protect yourself and your DC.

You will get through this, you sound like a strong and very capable person.

@Febo24 - thank you

Who has ‘was more than just an emotional affair’ on their infidelity bingo cards? Cross it off !

The ‘I want us to stay together I’ll do anything’ line is him panicking. He’s realised the shit is about to hit the fan and everyone he knows and loves is going to find out and judge him. It’s easier from his point of view to stay with you and make sure no one finds out. It’s all about him, it’s always been about him.

The devastation to your families is his fault and responsibility. But they aren’t as important as you and your DS.

Thank you DragonPie that’s important for me to remember, it seems convincing but that must be because it’s coming from that place of panic. I asked him last night what he loves about me and he said ‘you’re... nice’ and then some other equally unconvincing/uninspiring guff

This man is seriously fucked up mentally. He has bought disaster on himself and destroyed his family.

The thing is he is not really in a relationship with 'you'. 'You' are merely a canvas he lives out his distorted projection on.

'You' do not exist as a complete and complex person whom he loves, that's why he swings from so called 'emotional affairs' (of course it wasn't and any money there's more stuff you don't know about) to threatening to kill himself. None of it is real. How 'you' feel is an abstract.

The only thing that is real is his morbid drive and living out this narrative towards disaster.

Get out of this drama where you don't exist. Put yourself first with a capital F.

What he doesn't like is losing control of the decision making, and also he is worried about losing his home and comforts.