Husband visited prostitutes - don’t know what to do

[Balzac20]

This is my first MN post, I’m a lurker but I don’t know all the etiquette so apologies in advance if this is not how things are done.
Anyway - this afternoon I went to use the family iPad and a load of messages pinged up (it’s linked to my husband’s Apple account but only syncs when you log in). Some of them were a bit weird so I entered the chat and saw that they were arranging a prostitute on a night out he’d had in London earlier this week, when he got home at 5am and was very hazy about the details of where he’d been all that time. After our guests left this evening I confronted him about it. He admitted he’d been to a prostitute, said it was because he had low self esteem (of course). When pushed he admitted to having gone to one a few weeks previously, in similar circumstances (very drunk in London).

He had tried to break up with me several years ago, but we ended up staying together. He never admitted what the problem had been but tonight he said he’d had an emotional affair with a colleague that he’d broken off. I don’t really buy that it wasn’t physical.

He says he loves us, loves our family, will do anything to save our marriage, that our recent lack of intimacy has been because he struggles to see me as anything other than a mother (we have a three year old DS). At my insistence, he’s looking for a marriage counsellor for us.

Having read similar threads on MN, it’s dawning on me that I have to break up with him. I don’t want my son thinking this is acceptable, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully trust him again. But we’ve been together since we were 20 (now late 30s), nearly all our friends are shared friends, we’re part of each other’s families etc. etc. I like the life I thought we had and would like to save it if at all possible. I don’t know what to do.

Any advice or perspectives would be most welcome.
Short version : husband of 7 years revealed to have visited prostitutes, I don’t know what to do

It’s important that you tell your parents, they are currently mistaken about what sort of person he is. How can he cheat on you and still smile at them like nothing is wrong? This is something I really struggled with when I realised I wasn’t the only one being deceived. My parents were horrified that he had used their bathrooms etc not knowing what disease he may have picked up and they were absolutely shocked at his true character. Your parents will give you the support you need, because they are your parents, not his.

Such hard times for you. My ex didn't as far as I know sleep with prostitutes but he did fantasise about that, had a 'Madonna whore' issue, stopped regarding me as sexy once I was his and was pregnant and he did have an affair with a young colleague. I left him with my DS, then a baby. I did feel, after not very long, that what I had done was 'held my head high' and that feeling of holding a moral 'line' helped me feel some strength and dignity in my situation however awful it was and however much devastation, shock and gossip it caused in the wider family and workplace. If you decide to leave, I hope that might be a helpful thought...that not being prepared to put up with awful behaviour and just not needing to, is a good thing. Why have that in your life? It's amazing how many people think that as a woman it might be preferable to just 'put up with its for the sake of keeping up appearances and not rocking the boat but it means, I think, that you are accepting to settle for less... much less, than you wanted. My life now is much much more peaceful and content without the level of anxiety that being with someone like that, and all their excuses, introduces into your life.

Tell people the truth. Don’t become part of his secrets and lies......

Get rid of this revolting man and yes I agree with other posters tell everyone what he did.
He won't ever change, if anything men like this get worse with age.

By the way mine got into BDSM and swinging, he was dumped. it isn't a lifestyle I want to get involved in.

Tell EVERYONE the truth! The only one who has done anything shameful is him. You have been raising your kid and trying to save your marriage and he’s been out spending family money on prostitutes and risking your health (and life) and lying to everyone by pretending to be Mr Nice Guy. Don’t let him minimize this or cover for him. Don’t become his scapegoat or his excuse. Horrible piece of crap. Of course you can’t trust him! He just wants to work things out so nobody finds out about his disgraceful behaviour and his public image is ruined.

I am so sorry you are going through this. But I see you have two choices

1. Realise he has never been nor ever will be faithful and understand if you can live like that. Counselling is effectively pointless it will just make him cower, you angry and he’ll keep doing it anyway.
2. Draw a line under it. Gird your loins for the pain and start to rebuild.

I’m sorry and wish you all the best and am sure you will make it through this as millions of women have.

Agree with what everyone else has said.

Wanted to add that it isn't YOU who would be making everyone's lives unravel.... it's him! This will be caused by his actions!! He slept with prostitutes. And when you tell people you are splitting and why, they are all going to have your back!

What a nightmare for you OP. I can well understand the desire not to crack open your cosy family life. However I think what helps is to realise that life was an illusion anyway. If he visited prostitutes he has awful attitudes to women - prostitutes are often extremely vulnerable women with histories of trauma, rape, sexual abuse, they are women who don't want to have sex with him but whose consent can be circumvented with money. It's basically paid rape.
At 3 your son is young and adaptable enough that he'll adjust to the new normal better than an older child, so do it now as postponing it will only lead to more heartache. If you have the funds for it, apparently a good way to minimise impact on the child is to keep them always in the same family home, while you and your ex both have small studio apartments to go to when you're not with him. Not possible for everyone but good if it can be done.

Good luck OP. I'm so sorry this is the turn your life has taken.

@GeorgiaGirl52 has it right. And you tell everyone the truth- he's the one fucking prostitutes, putting your sexual health (& life, my mother's friend unfortunately has HIV due to similar situation involving her husband's 'work' trips to Thailand) at risk and having no regard for the impact of his actions on you and his child.
Sorry you are going through this. I really feel for you.

I agree with pretty much everything that has been said so far. One more thing I wanted to emphasise; do you want to live with the anxiety his behaviour is going to cause you going forward?

You will never be able to properly trust him again; you will always be wondering what he is doing and who he is with. This is going to be a nightmare to live with - don't do that to yourself, it will wreck your self-esteem and ultimately your mental health.

Please know that it wouldn’t be you ending the marriage and dropping the bomb. He has done that.

Op you are completely ok to stay.. however I really wouldn’t suggest it! I’ve taken a cheater back myself it doesn’t change, you have nothing to be ashamed about at all, when I told my family and friends they were all very shocked but in no way made me feel embarrassed or shameful! These people are going to be your rock for a while your most solid form of support, when you tell them you’ll feel a sense of relief not shame! He is the one they will be embarrassed about and how disrespectful and grotesque he has been! Don’t worry about other people! Take care of yourself

Thank you everyone. Every new reply makes me cry. Having you to talk to overnight has been such a help during a very low period.
I’ve told him we can go to counselling but that I want him out of the house. He keeps going on and on about doing anything it takes to keep the family together, wanting to spend the rest of his life proving his love to me - I guess that’s all fairly standard issue stuff? Because I love him it pains me greatly to see him so obviously hurting, but I keep reminding myself he caused it.

He's not hurting really, its all for show.

He's just gutted that he wont have you about to wait on him hand and foot, that his cosy little life has gone, that you are going to tell everyone the truth.

He should have thought about how gutted he would be when he booked the prostitites.

My ex husband promised never to have emotional affairs again,begged to stay, threatened suicide, blamed his depression etc but you know what, he did it time and time again.
Men like them cant change.
My ex couldnt believe it when i finally left him, he thought i didnt care about his emotional affairs and anyway 'he was never going to leave me for anyone'

I think there are generally two reasons why women in these kind of circumstances worry about what to tell everyone. One is that they feel embarrassed and ashamed. The other is that it feels like a point of no return; once everyone knows what has happened it would be very difficult to subsequently change your mind and take that person back because then everyone would know your business and would likely judge you harshly for being weak, refuse to engage with your husband and therefore your social and wider family life would be affected etc. On the first point, remember that his shame is not your shame and you don't need to shoulder that. You don't need to feel embarrassed either because if you kick him out and everyone finds out why, I guarantee nobody will feel anything other than admiration for you. As for the second point about it being a point of no return, maybe that is a good thing. It sounds like you know really what you need to do and perhaps the knowledge that everyone knows about it all will bolster you a bit in any moments of weakness.

My mum took my dad back after similar circumstances. I'm very angry because if she'd have got rid of him when it first became very apparent what sort of man he is, she could have met someone else and been happy, we could have grown up in a happy step-family. Or even just with mum, but a happy mum. Instead the pair of them have spent decades in this toxic, dysfunctional, occasionally on/off relationship that has dominated all our lives and continues to do so. Don't waste your life throwing good years after bad. You are young. Don't be like my mum, still there in your 60s and consumed with bitterness and regret. That time goes fast.

Rachel Moran was prostituted from the age of 15 to 22. She wrote a book 'Paid For'. She said that women in prostitution do not consent to the sex, as they are paid. Moran said that prostitution is abuse of women. Your husband is participating in the abuse of women.

SortingItOut I am very worried about his mental state, he has suffered with depression and it has crossed my mind that he might not make it through a break up. But I’m sure he’ll cope - probably with more prostitutes.

I’ve been with him my whole adult life, I just don’t know how to begin to untangle it all

Lots of women have depression and poor mental health. They don't cheat on their partners.

This is all on him and you aren't responsible for his mental health. It can be a common tactic to threaten suicide as a way of trying to keep you. ring the police, every time.

You didn't do this, he did and he needs to face up to the consequences. Tell everyone too- don't keep his grubby little secrets.

To be honest this is probably the tip of the iceberg in what he's been doing.

I'm so sorry to read this has happened to you OP.

The reality is that your DH does not love, respect or cherish you to be visiting prostitutes. Whatever he has told you about what he has done, it is probably 10 times worse because he is minimising his behaviour.

When you ask here what to tell people, my view is that you tell them the truth: I am leaving my DH because he visits prostitutes and has had affairs. His shame is not yours to carry.

You are not the one breaking up the family; he did that by himself when he violated your trust, and risked your sexual health.

Counselling is pointless at this stage; he is only suggesting doing it as he does not want to lose his cosy life. He probably thinks he can get the therapist to convince you to stay with him. Arrogant men like him are all the same, and can be devastatingly charming.

You must also get checked out by sexual health services, and start gathering all your important documents together.

The alternative is that you stay with him, and spend your life in a state of anxiety wondering where he is every time he leaves the house. That's not going to be a very healthy environment for your DC to grow up in.

I'm jumping in as I'm another one who has been here. My husband didn't visit prostitutes, but did have 2 affairs. I've spent years supporting him through his mental health issues - which it turns out were largely caused by shame and guilt from his affairs. I thought I couldn't leave, thought I couldn't do it to my kids (4 & 6). And as you said, seeing his pain was also unbearable, he is in bits. Eventually when trying to work through the first affair and associated excuses and lies (how did he convince me he was coerced into it??), I found out about the second affair and that was it for me. I know I deserve better and so do you. I would read this board and think we're different, I won't end up like that, I can fix this. But you know what, the story is always the same. There is something lacking in him, and it's not your job go fix him, to fix everything. And you can't. Stop the torment and get some peace of mind. Respect yourself, because he doesn't.

I'm 4 months on and the weight has been lifted from my shoulder. Our split is very amicable. We coparent well. And I'm free. I'm 38 with my whole life ahead of me. I'm not trapped anymore. I am safe, secure and independent and I am building my confidence again. And my kids are so happy, how they would be affected was my biggest fear, but they're thriving.

You will come to realisations in your own time. I still struggle with guilt and feel a huge amount of empathy for my husband. And in ways I still support him, he is my kids father and I still love him in some ways I suppose. But I'm detaching and he will have to stand on his own two feet. I think I don't know the half of what went on. Not sure I want to either.

Please look after yourself, and don't protect him at the cost of your own mental health. Tell your family and friends, they will support you. You will thrive again.

He's a recidivist user of prostitutes. According to reports by prostituted women, such men do not ever stop using prostitutes, they can stay away for a little whole, but they always come back. It's a power and control thing - which he inadvertently admitted when he referenced his "self esteem". 😭 💩

At least some most or all of those transactions will be him paying a pimp to rape a trafficked, horrifically abused or otherwise unwilling woman.

He rapes abused women for a fee. That's the man.

What do you want for the rest of your life?

And get yourself some therapy. I'm still working through it, and probably will be for a long time. Why did I stick it so long, why were my needs unimportant, why did I feel responsible for fixing things, why was I not enough, what did I do wrong... get some peace and work on you. This is a big learning for you. Take it and learn from it and grow. Always remember that you deserve better. And so does your kid. Your husband needs to face what he has done, take responsibility, and deal with the consequences. Working through it really is letting him off the hook. This is your line in the sand and he has shit all over it. Take your dignity and self respect and go.

He keeps going on and on about doing anything it takes to keep the family together, wanting to spend the rest of his life proving his love to me

I mean, you know this is bollocks, right? He knows as well as you do and everyone else does that "doing everything it takes" includes not repeatedly cheating on you with women who will only sleep with him because he's paying them.
That was the same before he got found out, so I'd be interested to know why he thinks it only applies after he's been found out. Why has being found out changed the way he sees your marriage? Answer: of course it hasn't, he's just desperately trying to find the right combination of words that'll get him what he wants. Again.

Pathetic. He won't change. to you.

@Balzac20
My ex husband has suffered with severe depression all his life.
Once we split he threatened suicide all the time, told me his life wasnt worth living blah, blah, blah.
I thought it was my duty to keep him on an even keel so we stayed friends....until he found out i had met someone.

Then all hell kicked off, he attempted suicide 3 times, stalked and harassed me and he reached rock bottom.

His suicide attempts werent real, he wanted me to go running, the 1st time i did, the 2nd i didnt and the 3rd he didnt tell me until afterwards.

They will manipulate you into thinking they will kill themselves so you stay.
Ultimately it will be his choice if he does and nothing to do with anything you have said and done.
He is not your responsibility.

I know how you feel, i was with my husband 19 years and married 17. We have 1 daughter (and i have a son from a previous relationship)
I split from him when i was 37 and you know what, my life is great, no longer do i worry about him having emotional affairs or emotionally abusing me snd everythimg i do is for me or my kids.