Husband visited prostitutes - don’t know what to do

[Balzac20]

This is my first MN post, I’m a lurker but I don’t know all the etiquette so apologies in advance if this is not how things are done.
Anyway - this afternoon I went to use the family iPad and a load of messages pinged up (it’s linked to my husband’s Apple account but only syncs when you log in). Some of them were a bit weird so I entered the chat and saw that they were arranging a prostitute on a night out he’d had in London earlier this week, when he got home at 5am and was very hazy about the details of where he’d been all that time. After our guests left this evening I confronted him about it. He admitted he’d been to a prostitute, said it was because he had low self esteem (of course). When pushed he admitted to having gone to one a few weeks previously, in similar circumstances (very drunk in London).

He had tried to break up with me several years ago, but we ended up staying together. He never admitted what the problem had been but tonight he said he’d had an emotional affair with a colleague that he’d broken off. I don’t really buy that it wasn’t physical.

He says he loves us, loves our family, will do anything to save our marriage, that our recent lack of intimacy has been because he struggles to see me as anything other than a mother (we have a three year old DS). At my insistence, he’s looking for a marriage counsellor for us.

Having read similar threads on MN, it’s dawning on me that I have to break up with him. I don’t want my son thinking this is acceptable, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully trust him again. But we’ve been together since we were 20 (now late 30s), nearly all our friends are shared friends, we’re part of each other’s families etc. etc. I like the life I thought we had and would like to save it if at all possible. I don’t know what to do.

Any advice or perspectives would be most welcome.
Short version : husband of 7 years revealed to have visited prostitutes, I don’t know what to do

True, true. And I’ve just been thinking with my friend about what my red line would be if this isn’t it. That’s helped to focus the mind

Their reactions reinforce how badly he has betrayed you. Good idea to change the bedding - maybe even move furniture if possible, I changed my bedroom just enough for it to feel like it was just mine. It’s important you have your own space to relax in.. I know it feels like a waste and felt the same as it was over 2 decades of marriage, but if it continued it would have been a waste of more years of my life doing the right thing while he continued cheating and risking my health and knowing he was spending family money on prostitutes instead of what the family needed. It’s hard to think straight in the beginning but you are doing the right thing by getting support from your friends and this forum. Just try to understand that you aren’t the one that wrecked it, he did through his deliberate choices, and what’s coming is only the fallout from his actions. The life for betrayed spouses that stay is grim and mostly full of anxiety from not knowing when they will discover more cheating.

Thanks @Milliepossum I’m sorry you had to go through this too. I can’t wait to start doing stuff to the house. I’ve just ordered a new dishwasher

You deserve to get something new, especially a dishwasher you can stack how you want 😀 Reading ‘the script’ will prepare you for the steps they all go through and the things they say as they move towards being nasty. And they twist words and lie. As you move out of this first stage of shock and fog it’s impossible not to remember conversations because 20 years is a long time and what he says will have a different meaning now. It’s almost 2.5 years for me and some memories of obscure things occasionally come up, but I don’t get upset anymore, I just think he was pathetic.

I'm afraid he is not upset about losing you, but rather about losing his security, his sense of belonging, about breaking up your family, being responsible, and living now in shame. He will be feeling so alone, and has no clue what the future holds, which will be terrifying for him. The thought of an expensive divorce due to his own actions is another part. Regret maybe, but certainly not love. That is what is driving the tears. Remember this.

All that "I'll do anything to keep the family together" BS is designed to make you be the one who decided to split the family up, even though your actions are a direct result of theirs. It's text book behaviour for a man who's been caught. He's desperate to avoid his friends and family knowing what he's done, my ex had a breakdown, all his own fault, he survived, he's a shell of his former self but he's an adult and made his own choices.

You are doing really well Op, you sound strong and determined. I’m glad you have so much RL support.

If you start to feel sorry for him and his tears, read chump lady on cheaters remorse
www.chumplady.com/2019/05/the-unlikelihood-of-immediate-remorse-2/

Hi OP, just wanted to say you're being incredible. How often do we see this story on here, poor partner gives him another chance and guess what 3 months later finds out he's still up to his old tricks. Too bloody often that's what.

Ive been here a couple of times. The only things that matter right now are you, and your DS. Nothing else. Start seeing your life a year from now, without the stress of wondering if your partner is cheating on you. Thousands of us have been here and come out the other side, way happier and stronger.

Stay strong. You CAN do this.

Hi, I'm so sorry that you're going through this but may I just offer a different point of view.
Many people have said to tell everyone what he has done including his parents.
I wouldn't do that as it will upset them dreadfully and they don't deserve that.
Also, he will hate you if you do and the best thing you can do for your son, is to have an amicable relationship with his father.
In all honesty, I would tell everyone he was unfaithful, which is true and if your son finds out (they usually do), he will know that what his dad did was entirely unacceptable and that he broke up his family. If he overhears someone gossiping about prostitutes, it will be really difficult for him.
If you have one or two really good friends that you trust, tell them everything as it's not your shameful thing but definitely your husbands.
You and your son are what matters here. You are both young enough to recover.
It's a bloody awful situation. I speak from experience but you will get over it. Good luck x

@Treacletoots

Hi OP, just wanted to say you're being incredible. How often do we see this story on here, poor partner gives him another chance and guess what 3 months later finds out he's still up to his old tricks. Too bloody often that's what.

Ive been here a couple of times. The only things that matter right now are you, and your DS. Nothing else. Start seeing your life a year from now, without the stress of wondering if your partner is cheating on you. Thousands of us have been here and come out the other side, way happier and stronger.

Stay strong. You CAN do this.

I know this not directed at me, but I took huge comfort from these words. Thank you!

@Treacletoots thank you. I’m trying to look on the bright side but I’m under no illusions that it’s going to be an emotional and administrative nightmare. Especially if I have to keep restating to him that it’s over with all the guilt that brings, even though it’s his fault of course

@TOFO1965 thank you, and so glad I was able to help you. OP. You'll be surprised how quickly you go from unbearably sad to incredibly annoyed, leading to boredom when he keeps up his "poor me" nonsense. Find your anger, pity no-one, and call upon your inner strength to do this for you and your DC, mama bear is going to get fierce.

Focus the mind and the heart will follow. Always. Trust me.

@Treacletoots💚💚💚

This is awful op.
I couldn't forgive a husband who used prostituted women, no way.

You definitely don't need marriage counselling. HE'S the one who needs to go see a therapist....and stop having sex with prostitutes. How long would that gave carried on for I wonder if you hadn't found out? He needs to see a therapist because if he is to be believed he has some serious virgin/mother/whore complex going on.

I think there are deeper issues here (I know there always are), and it's never black and white..

Do you know the 'real' root cause of his behaviour..maybe find this out before taking any drastic steps. Can people change, sure, but not unless this is tackled.

I feel for both of you..good luck

Treacletoots, you rock. Yes to getting very pissed off. Op remember, he said you are 'nice'. Fucking nice? I've had fuck buddies who would have said much nicer things than that about me. Best of luck and don't take any shit.

He's sobbing? What a manipulative game playing tosser. He wants you to feel sorry for him. After everything he's done he wants to be the victim. It beggars belief. Ugh.

It's not a waste. He's beneath you. He's far less intelligent, he clearly knows he's inferior, and he's mentally weak. He's also extremely selfish and self centred. All he cares about is himself in all of this. No, I'm sorry, he was just a phase. You can do much, much better.

It's always sad when people turn out to be someone different. It's a waste of who you thought he was - not who he really was. The truth is that you actually don't know him at all. If you were to meet him now knowing what you know would you date him? I doubt it very much.

It's a waste if he is a great guy - but he's an incredibly dishonest and unprincipled man. It's a waste of the relationship you thought you had. However that relationship didn't really exist. An (emotional) affair with a colleague involved him telling her a lot of unpleasant things about you, and your relationship and also involves him making her feel special. Complimenting her, telling her how much better she is than you. If you had witnessed any of this you would not be having any doubts at all.

Sobbing my arse. What an attention seeking narcissistic shit he is.

Been where you are OP. What he’s told you is probably the tip of the iceberg. I suspected my DH but knew he would never fess up. I had to get a private detective to catch mine!. When I did, he only originally admitted to one affair promised ‘on his sons life’ that was it, but I did more digging and found more. I started putting things together in my mind that hadn’t made sense at the time, women’s names he mentioned too often and confronted him again. I bluffed very cleverly. Told him I knew about OW’s (named them) and the prostitutes. I told him I’d got a private detective and had all the proof, just waiting for it to come though in the post! He broke down and admitted to all of it! My new hindsight was spot on! From that moment on I couldn’t even look at him! Everything I felt for him died in that moment. He became a total stranger to me. I felt nothing but disgust. Of course he followed the script and blamed me. I ended it there and then after 26 years. He wouldn’t move out so it was really difficult for a few months but the day I moved into my new house was one of the happiest of my life. Luckily my son was older so no need for us to have contact. I’ve never regretted it for a moment. I closed that chapter of my life the day I moved out. I haven’t seen nor heard from him in 12 years. I erased him totally from my mind, cut up all photos, binned anything related to him and started completely afresh. I don’t know how people can ever come back from it and make it work, I know I couldn’t. The one thing you need in a marriage is respect. Once that’s gone, there is no marriage.

Sorry that you are going though this. I know how painful it is. You will survive it and look back and be proud that you honoured yourself and your children enough to end it. You are strong, you’ve got this 💐

Morning all. Thanks for having my back through all of this. I had a great sleep and have just ordered a big print of my favourite place for the bedroom. There were a couple of minutes when I woke up this morning before I remembered what had happened, so it was tough remembering it all over again.
Not sure what to do about work today, it might be good to take my mind off things but I’m not sure I’ll be able to focus terribly well.
@doubleaces89 I think he has some serious psychological problems which he needs to work through. I’ll support him as the mother of his child but I can’t be there as his wife because a) I cannot and will not be hurt like this again and b) I don’t want him anywhere near me with that penis

How do I find a solicitor ? Anything to look out for?

How are you ever going to trust him again after this?

To me, visiting prostitutes is way worse than an affair. It says a lot about the character of a person.

Just read the entire thread and saw that you intend on leaving him. Well done OP for your strength. I think your future self will thank you.

@doubleaces89

I think there are deeper issues here (I know there always are), and it's never black and white..

Do you know the 'real' root cause of his behaviour..maybe find this out before taking any drastic steps. Can people change, sure, but not unless this is tackled.

I feel for both of you..good luck

Why is it her responsibility to find out root cause?!? This is down to him, he needs to do the work himself.

All Op has to do is focus on her own needs and well-being.

1. Get an STD test
2. Get divorced
3. Buy a cat
4. Start a pension