Husband visited prostitutes - don’t know what to do

[Balzac20]

This is my first MN post, I’m a lurker but I don’t know all the etiquette so apologies in advance if this is not how things are done.
Anyway - this afternoon I went to use the family iPad and a load of messages pinged up (it’s linked to my husband’s Apple account but only syncs when you log in). Some of them were a bit weird so I entered the chat and saw that they were arranging a prostitute on a night out he’d had in London earlier this week, when he got home at 5am and was very hazy about the details of where he’d been all that time. After our guests left this evening I confronted him about it. He admitted he’d been to a prostitute, said it was because he had low self esteem (of course). When pushed he admitted to having gone to one a few weeks previously, in similar circumstances (very drunk in London).

He had tried to break up with me several years ago, but we ended up staying together. He never admitted what the problem had been but tonight he said he’d had an emotional affair with a colleague that he’d broken off. I don’t really buy that it wasn’t physical.

He says he loves us, loves our family, will do anything to save our marriage, that our recent lack of intimacy has been because he struggles to see me as anything other than a mother (we have a three year old DS). At my insistence, he’s looking for a marriage counsellor for us.

Having read similar threads on MN, it’s dawning on me that I have to break up with him. I don’t want my son thinking this is acceptable, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully trust him again. But we’ve been together since we were 20 (now late 30s), nearly all our friends are shared friends, we’re part of each other’s families etc. etc. I like the life I thought we had and would like to save it if at all possible. I don’t know what to do.

Any advice or perspectives would be most welcome.
Short version : husband of 7 years revealed to have visited prostitutes, I don’t know what to do

@Balzac20
I'm assuming by your last post that he has now admitted to a full on affair with his colleague.

What a surprise!!! How much more is he going to admit to?

Oh dear op. What has he admitted to now?

Forgive me if I’m barking up the wrong tree, but what came to my mind the minute I read your title and OP was that youDO know what to do, but you want us to give you the push to do it.

If your husband cheating on you and now paying for prostitutes and then worse trying to make you the reason for it is ok, then you wouldn’t be here asking for opinion.

You want permission to end this.

You have our support no matter what you decide.

I think the best thing you can ask for now is space.

He needs to leave so that you can be alone with this, to cry to scream or to wonder at the relief of having a space where nobody is cheating on you, lying to you or generally making you feel bad about something THEY chose to do.

If it were me, I’d bin for the “you’re..... nice” comment alone.

He’s failed you love. You’re young, you deserve better.

He’s leaving shortly for an Airbnb. He’s sobbing. I can’t bear it. I can’t reconcile this man with the man I thought I knew.

Yes he said the emotional affair ‘turned physical’. So that’s that then.
Yesterday I was really thinking we could make it work with some counselling but now thinking about the lost trust and how it’s all out of the cheater’s playbook (whether he knows that or not) is making me think I need to walk away. It’s killing me though

Crocodile tears op. He's sad it's out in the open and he's being made to leave.

I'd wager there will have been more prostitute visits too. It's a drip drip of info....

You are doing amazing. I know you said pretending it never happened would be easy but it's not. You can't undo knowing now.

Have you told family yet? Get their support. Sending hugs.

He's sad because he's been found out. If he cared he wouldn't have done it in the first place.

I am so sorry for you. I have lived through this and I promise you that what you know is only the tip of the iceberg. You have lost nothing good.

I'm so sorry this is happening @Balzac20, but him leaving for an Airbnb will give you the breathing space you need.

Even now, in this situation his emphasis (and yours to some extent because you're a kind and loving person) is about his grief, emotions, regret, yadda yadda yadda. The drama is his and somehow the onus is on you to make him feel better, sort practicalities.

Get him out of the house, breathe, grieve and focus on you.

Make sure you get some real support OP. Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed to reach out and ask for help. Don’t protect him. You’ll find people will be upset for you and will want to support you.

Well, you know you’re right about something... He IS a very convincing bloody liar. Don’t question yourself. Don’t let him throw any shade at you to justify him dropping his dick in other women. (You hope they’re just women...) Utter bastard. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Please start telling your family and friends so you can gather support before he does.

OP, your head will be saying - i can’t just throw a bomb into life, maybe we can just move on — its the shock of something like this—- what I will say is when the shock wears off a year down the line it’s verylikely you really won’t feel the same about him— you will look and feel disgust

Hugs to you op. And don't for one second think this is YOU destroying the life you had together.
This is all on him. He chose to go to prostitudes and have an affair. Not you. Stay strong.

Good you are getting him out!
You might want to look up "The Script" or just mumsnet threads on the script. Forearmed is forewarned.
Get a check up - GUM or GP.
Tell people - get some support.
Tell the children but in an age appropriate way. And warn their schools/nurseries.
Find a good lawyer.

Keep eating, drinking fluids, be kind to yourself.
Changing bedding can help too.

So typical, more will come out

Keep strong

Leave him. Tell.the shares friends you left because he has been using prostitutes.

I expect a lot more will come out. Cheating idiot. What makes him so special?

Op, I’m sorry that you are good through this. It does get better, I promise.

Thank you. I’ve got a friend round and we’re having a nice time with DS. I’m basically still in total disbelief but when I spell it out to myself that he doesn’t respect me, or love me, and I have no intention of touching him ever again my path is pretty clear. Is seems like such a stupid waste though

Have you told anyone in RL? It’s hard but helps.

Yeah a few people: my two best friends, a friend who’s been through something similar, and a mutual friend of mine and DH’s

Hi OP, what were their reactions? I hope you are relieved you’re not dealing with the burden of keeping his cheating a secret anymore.

They were shocked shocked shocked, angry and disgusted.
I’ve just changed the beds but used a bedding set we had in our first flat together. We’ve been together such a long time. I really don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. It seems like such a waste

You’re doing the right thing. He’s the one who threw your relationship away. You don’t have to take him back - cheating has consequences.

Let’s be honest, what exactly are you wasting? You’ve been together almost 20 years yes but it’s been a facade. He’s been cheating on you for a decent portion of time, he’s slept with multiple other people, he doesn’t find you attractive etc. It’s a shit relationship to try to hold on to

Of course he’s sorry. Sorry he’s been found out, and that his sordid dishonest secret life has been exposed. Knowing that, he’s forfeited any further effort, or consideration from you.
His worries and concerns are entirely self inflicted, so focus on you and your little ds.